Silence is Golden
by broken.empty.doll
Summary: *Trigger Warning and mentions of self-harm and suicide* A girl who has lost herself to the demons in her mind has found that the only thing that can pull her back from what she has become, is volleyball. Along the way she finds comfort in a silent boy who rides the train every Thursday morning. But their lives intertwine and both realize just how much silence speaks. (OC/Aone)
1. And So It Begins

**Chapter One: And So It Begins  
**

* * *

" **I've begun to realize that you can listen to silence and learn from it. It has a quality and a dimension all its own."**

― **Chaim Potok,** _ **The Chosen**_

" **I need to be alone. I need to ponder my shame and my despair in seclusion; I need the sunshine and the paving stones of the streets without companions, without conversation, face to face with myself, with only the music of my heart for company."**

― **Henry Miller,** _ **Tropic of Cancer**_

* * *

The first time I heard the voices was when I was taking a shower. It was the summer before my freshman year of high school and also the last summer that I ever wore a swimsuit in public. The boarding school that was in the middle of nowhere allowed us to stay over during the summer; the dormitory wing I was in, uninhabited by anyone else. My parents had promised to send me some summer supplies for school, but as usual the package never came.

I remember, as I washing my hair, my hands through the brown locks, the voices told me that spiders were falling out of the water. My hands stilled and my closed eyes burst open. The voices then said that my hair was made of cobwebs so I pulled my hands away from my scalp. Some strands were pulled from their roots with the motion and I turned quickly on the tiled floor. The water and my hair were indeed just that: water and hair.

I can recall thinking that maybe some girl was playing a trick on me; that someone was whispering the words in the empty bathroom, the words echoing and creating the feeling that I thought them. But as I opened the shower curtain and yelled out for them to show themselves, no one answered. I thought that I had heard wrong and that ghosts were just around the old forgotten institution.

The next time that I heard the voices was when I was in practice a month later. The ball was flying towards me and I did what I was trained to do, receive the volleyball and make a perfect pass to the setter. But the voices screamed at me that the ball was fire and in my hysteria, I merely dodged. My coach yelled as the voices spoke in incoherent garble. I tried to focus on him but all I could was look down and try to make sense of what the message was.

My coach was in front of me and I was struck in the side of the head with the same ball I was supposed to receive. The voices stopped with the beating of blood in my brain and when I finally looked up at my coach, I saw that he was red with anger. It was the first time, but certainly not the last time, that I was scolded and received a blow from a volleyball. It was also not the last time that the voices invaded my mind.

After that the voices would come to me in sleep and during the day. They seemed to be an unceasing coded message that I had to understand. Sometimes the voices would scream and the messages would always be direct and I always listened. I started to think that the voices was my conscience that only came to my aid when I was in trouble. But when I let slip that the voices told me a ball was out, my teammates no longer would talk to me, fearing I was insane.

The fear became a reality when the voices started to tell me that I was being watched. For a whole month of classes I didn't sit next to the windows for fear that they would find me. I never knew much about who 'they' were, but the voices said that they were always watching me. When the voices only whispered in the dead of night, I wondered if I should tell a teacher and they could tell me what the voices really were. But the voices reared their ugly head and forced me to never speak about them out loud again.

My studies began to diminish and in the few months of hearing the voices, there was talk about moving me back a grade. I had skipped one when I was younger and they thought that I wasn't emotionally ready for high school. The voices told me that my teachers were wrong. They told me that they just wanted to keep me longer to monitor my movements. I refused and continued on with the second semester, distancing myself from my team and the other students—collecting odd trinkets, candles and thick strands of rope.

The voices began to get more and more violent after Christmas. The New Year was spent alone in my room, wondering if they could hear my thoughts as well as watch me. A candle was lit and I played with the wax, letting the hot liquid solidify on my fingers. The voices screamed that I should get a match and set fire to the school but while I considered it, I merely left my hand too close to the flame, bubbles of blisters coming to a head. The voices stopped when I was in pain.

This realization was magnificent for me. As much as the voices were helpful with saving me, they wore me out and I often found myself tired. I began to experiment and the voices then would tell me that I had to let the poison out of my body. Razors were emptied for their blades and my hips and ankles became a battle ground, each cut fighting to gain more and more land.

It wasn't enough after a while and the voices screamed that the poison was invading my arms. I tried to reason with the voices that I couldn't because I couldn't wear bandages to practice, but the voices didn't budge. I allowed the voices to guide me in my conquests and my arms were soon hidden under long sleeves and jackets, sometimes ace bandages during practice matches with other teams.

My teammates began to exclude me completely. It wasn't like I was the libero I once was. I had once been great but the voices prevented me from loving the sport I had cherished so much. My skills were gone and I sat on the bench. My team didn't need me anymore and in the spring they almost didn't allow me to go to the tournament. But I did go and it was a mistake. The other libero who had been my replacement rolled her ankle and I was forced to play. The voices didn't approve of that very much.

The voices raged on and on and I tried to focus on the ball, getting it up but never to the right spot. My coach called a timeout and I remember him raising a hand to hit me but his assistant said that he couldn't do it in front of too many people. Instead the man said it was because of the bandages that adorned my arms like armor.

My coach ripped off the bandages and they saw. The girls all looked at me in disgust and they began to berate me; I was a freak to them. The voices said that they weren't wrong and soon enough the voices in my head matched those of my teammates. It was all too much, so I ran. I ran the two miles to the bus stop and then road the thirty miles back to the school gates, only to run two more miles.

The voices were the loudest they had ever been and I could hear the ringing of my teammate's insults. In my room, I grabbed a razor but the sight of blood did not quiet the voices. I had to stop the insults and arguments in my head. They were all too much for me to handle. I realized the only way to end them was to end me. I thought that maybe then the pain wouldn't be there and the voices would finally leave me alone for good.

To my surprise the voices agreed. So I grabbed my newest razor—the box cutter I had stolen from the janitor—and sat in the first place I heard the voices. I filled a bath and didn't even remove my clothes when I submerged myself. Two deep cuts later, I felt peace. The voices finally stopped and I could hear her—the voice that was my voice.

I began to sing in my head and marveled at how clear the tones rang out as I imagined singing in a grand symphony hall. I was happy and the world faded away, the voices of my teammates, the voices in my head, my own voice becoming silence. Silence which I wished for so much. Silence that I didn't even know I missed.

* * *

"Name?" the nurse says in front of me.

I study her closely for a second and give her the bottle in my hand. She's going to need the prescription since Doctor Suoh needs to make sure I take the pills. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just stuck them in my cheek like the other people at the psych ward. But the fear of the voices pushes the thought down every time.

"Katrina Hitz," I reply and I wonder when my voice got to be so hoarse.

Maybe it was when you stopped speaking in your therapy or maybe it was when you screamed for the nurses back home to release you from your jacket, a voice said clearly. The voices have only been replaced with my own, the chiming sarcastic thing always contradicting itself in my medicated haze. But this will always be better than the other voices.

"Okay, sit down so I can ask you some basic questions," the woman says and I stare at her pink scrubs in disbelief. I didn't think that I would have to answer questions.

"Can't you ask my doctor about my condition? You can just get my charts" I answer quietly while I glance around the room. There is no one else in the small office but a bed with white linen and a counter full of medications.

"It's standard procedure and just so you know, I am not able to tell anyone else about your health unless they are your parent or guardian."

I know this already and can feel a frown coming on but try to make my face into the emotionless mask. It never works and I know I'm giving the woman a death glare as I turn to sit on the bed. The woman takes out a clipboard from the drawer below the medical supplies and looks at the bottle in her hand. I sigh deeply as she takes her time to write down the prescription number and other information on the label.

"Are you going to take blood or anything?" I ask, my voice quivering slightly.

I didn't wrap my arms with bandages today. I only wore the long sleeve white collared shirt and pale yellow vest, figuring I wouldn't have a full medical evaluation. I play with the edge of my gray skirt and finger my black tights with the anticipation of this woman's eyes. They're going to judge me and my condition like I'm a freak. My therapist doesn't like me to say that word but I consistently use it; maybe it's a way that I could rebel, my snarky voice fills in.

"No. I'm just going to ask you some questions. Please answer them as best as you can," the woman instructs and I observe her large black eyes and black bobbed hair. She is very blunt; I like that about her.

"I'll try," I admit. Sometimes the medication fogs my brain if think about something too far back.

"Name?"

"Katrina Hitz," I say somewhat proudly. I've always like my name.

"Gender as assigned and as recognized?"

"Female for both," I reply and find that these are the normal questions. When we get done with the ethnicity one, we'll start on the hard ones. The ones that are too embarrassing to answer.

"Age and grade?"

"Fifteen. I'm starting as a first year." I lost a year between this and my freshman year, but I'm acutally fine with the age group.

"Weight and Height?"

"I think I weigh 107 pounds and I'm, um, 5 feet 1 inch."

"Hair and Eye color, as well as ethnicity."

"Brown, hazel and German."

Here it comes. The questions that make me want to squirm. I don't have to answer them. Yes you do, I convince myself. If I don't answer them I won't be able to go to school here and I'll have to stay at the clinic for the rest of my time. I can't life with those doctors and nurses around me. I have to get away. I have to hear the silence once again.

"You're doing great," the woman coos and I realize that I have done my old twitch of holding my head while looking down. Making me anticipate the harder questions always gives me some anxiety. My therapist says that it's okay to be like that. He says the medication can't keep the voices back all the way.

"Sorry. It just, well, I just," I ramble and she only nods, giving me a reassuring smile. I smile a shy smile back at her.

"Okay, now any physical health problems?"

"None as far as I know."

"Now, what are your mental health disorders?"

"I have paranoid schizophrenia. I also used to be a self-harmer."

And there they are: the words in the air that can pierce me as deep as any razor. Just saying that I have schizophrenia makes me uneasy. It makes me think that the voices from my condition will come to the surface and say yes, yes you do. But to say that I hurt myself is always easier than seeing the scars. The two jagged cuts along my veins disgusts me. I haven't told anyone that yet.

"When were you last hospitalized in a psychiatric ward?"

"I was hospitalized nine months ago after I refused to take my medication and punched a nurse at the clinic I was at."

"Have you been taking any medications?"

"Yes, I am currently in the program to see if the medication you have in your hand will be safe for the public. Other than those I do not take any others."

The woman looks at the bottle and I can see her reading the label again. Her eyes widen as she looks at the ingredients. I know she's surprised that I haven't had liver damage yet. It's true that during the drug trials I might get some liver damage, but that's mainly why Doctor Suoh switches medication and the amount I take. He needs to see how long I can go with so little drugs in my system.

"And your doctor is Doctor Takashi Suoh?"

"Yes."

The woman looks at me and then scribbles everything down. I think she's judging my mental health from my actions. She's also going to need to see my psyche report and medical chart. I already know what's in there and I know it's going to scare her. I hope she doesn't withhold my medication from spite. Because in those charts are severe words.

Since my suicide attempt—my therapist also tells me to avoid those words—I have been in a psychiatric hospital three times. The first time was in Switzerland. They gave me some medication that made it hard for me to function. I couldn't even hear my own voice. After a couple of months—seven to be exact—they let me go and my parents took me home to Germany.

I was fine until I refused to take my medication three months later. For a week I had been hearing voices and when I went to my weekly scheduled therapy session, I punched a nurse and destroyed two different exam rooms. After four months in another psychiatric hospital in Germany—nine months ago—I was released into the custody of Doctor Takashi Suoh to be one of the testers for his drug trial. He hospitalized me another time when I first arrived here but it was only for a month and in his hospital.

Since then I have been experiencing both paranoid delusions and the complete foggy symptoms of heavy medication. Doctor Suoh says that when I turn eighteen, he'll end my part of the trials. It will be almost four years of liver damage when I get to that stage. However I don't mind because the medication lets me think. I can hear the silence but I can also speak in my own mind, so I don't care about the repercussions.

"Alright. Every lunch you will come here and I will give you two pills of your medication and supervise you while you eat lunch. I'm going to order for your charts to be released and I will watch you for the rest of your time here," the nurse explains after the pen is lifted from the paper.

She looks up at me and I wonder what her name is and why she didn't tell me her name before. What if she isn't a doctor? What if she's some psycho killer? No, my voice calms, she is a nurse and those thoughts are the voices. Don't think like that.

"Okay. I'm going to leave now," I announce and then get up. The woman stands with me and puts out her right hand. I stare at her fingers and notice they're long and pale.

"By the way my name is Hana Ito and it is a pleasure to meet you," she says happily and see her smile widely. She's too young to really know what she's getting into with me—she's like what twenty-eight?—and I hope she doesn't get hurt. I hope I don't hurt her.

"Nice to meet you too Ito-san," I reply and then shake her hand quickly.

My palms are too sweaty to feel nice with the contact. With the thought that she might be grossed out by my palm, I leave. Walking into the hall, my long braided hair swings with my brisk pace. The last thing that I would want would be that I'm late to class. I turn down another hall, having memorized the layout of the entire school. My memory recalls the gym which is assigned for volleyball and my stomach clenches. I can't go in there. I can't think about that.

Finding my classroom I peek inside to see only half of the students there. I walk in quickly and find that all heads have turned to me. I want to creep inside myself but at the same time I want to tell them to shove it. I don't do either. Instead I walk past the guys near the door and find a seat in the back by the window. I remember when I was scared of sitting next to windows and feel a little accomplished with having overcome that fear.

In front of me is a tall boy with jet black hair. He sits straight up as if he's waiting for something and stares straight ahead. I quirk my head and try to see what exactly he's staring at and I find nothing to alert me that it is important. I take the black satchel bag off my right hip and lay it down next to me. Taking out a bottle of water, I have a sip before the teacher comes in. Soon enough the bell rings and I'm suddenly terrified of having to stand up and introduce myself.

A small man who I presume is the teacher walks in. He fixes his fading blue tie and gray suit, looking at all of us with a sharp eye. When he finds me his eyes widen with surprise and tilt my head only slightly to acknowledge him in return. He fixes his glasses and then runs a hand through his messy hair. The class then stands and I follow suit, chanting hello to our instructor.

"Good morning students. I am Takeda-sensei, your Japanese Literature teacher. If you would please open your books to page ten, we can get started."

And onwards was the day. Except for the fact that I had to go eat my lunch of rice and salmon with Nurse Ito. She had my file already in hand but made no move tell me off, so I guess she's not too shocked. The rest of my classes went well, English being my best subject and Japanese history my worst. The boarding school I was to before the voices was in Switzerland, but it was an American curriculum, so I didn't really learn world history.

Throughout the day, some instructors would come up to me through the periods and ask if I was new to Japan. When I replied with a yes, they each complimented my Japanese. If only they had known I had been practicing for nine months. Doctor Suoh while I remained in his clinic in the mountains, made sure that I was taught math and Japanese, him not worrying too much about the other subjects. My Japanese was only good because I tried so hard, but at times when Doctor Suoh switched the medicines, I would forget and have trouble with the conversions. There were too many languages in my head: English, German, and Japanese.

In addition to my annoying teachers, I watched the annoying boy in front of me. He never once took notes or listened to a word of instruction. He didn't even open his books. I was angry that he might be one of those genius types but I was also a little scared that he was just an idiot. It could really go either way. When the final bell rang, signaling the end of school, the boy jumped up and practically ran out the room with a gym bag in hand.

" _Ah, he's a jock,"_ I mutter to myself in English.

I have the urge to laugh at him but soon find the classmates around me, staring at me. I turn from their glares and pick up my bag. Marching with my head held high, I find myself roaming the halls of my school. Maybe I can just see the gym. It'll smell like old memories, hopefully of the good kind. I don't want the voices to taint the sport. I love it too much.

I begin to walk to the gym and notice that everyone must go straight home or be changing. If it's the latter, I have to hurry. Running to the gym, I made a turn and passed a tall boy with silver gray hair. He glanced at me and I ran even faster with my satchel. This god damn red tie is killing me. I tied the bow a little too tight. Removing the tie as I got in front of the gym, I panted and tied it around the end of my braid.

Maybe I shouldn't go in. I had the crippling fear that I wouldn't be able to feel it again. I don't think I could ever feel like that because that was a different me. That Katrina was perfect and happy and untainted. Now I'm nothing but broken and scared, glue putting me back together with jagged sadness.

But what if I do feel it? What if I feel like I am the old Katrina for once in two years? Then anything would be worth it to stand on that court and fly in that air. It is the closest thing that I have to being me. My mind is filled with voices; my body is tainted with scars; maybe my skill and the feeling I once had would be there. I make up my mind quickly and clench my fists in fear and desperation.

Feeling like maybe I shouldn't be here, I look around cautiously. There seems to be no one around. I open the door a crack and could smell it. The smell of sweat and freshly waxed floor. My black slip on shoes don't help too much with traction but I go across the gym nonetheless and grab a ball. My satchel falls to the floor next to the other side entrance and I put the ball to my forehead. For a moment I just stand and hope.

" _Maybe I can still do it. Maybe I can still feel it,"_ I pray.

I played with a ball at the hospitals I had been at and Doctor Suoh got me one as a condition of me participating in the trial. So it wasn't like I hadn't touched a volleyball, but that didn't mean I felt like I once was. It had been two years since my suicide that I last felt the court beneath my feet. The last time I felt normal was before high school. That was the last time I was perfectly in sync with the ball.

I go to the serving line and look at the net. It stares back at me with all the promise in the world. If only I had someone to spike it at me, but this is the best I'm going to get. I have to deal with this for now. Taking two steps back and one step to the left, I figure I'll do my hardest serve and go from there. Taking a deep breath, I go.

My body starts to move and I throw the ball high into the air. I watch and move downwards and put my arms back to propel myself forward. The ball descends and I can see it: the sweet spot. I know that I'm close to the line but I don't care because my body hasn't moved like this in years. My arms swings back with great momentum and I slap the ball with my right hand. Breathing out and knowing I had enough power but not enough follow-through, my body descends to the ground faster than ever. Quietly, I watch the ball swerve in the air to the other side of the court and fall down straight away on the other side of the net.

I could feel it: the inexplicable feeling of joy. The serve was a far cry from what I had been able to do but I could feel my chest beat in the same way it did years ago. My legs began to tremble and I was overjoyed. For a second, I thought I would cry I was so happy. Staring at the ball as it rolled, I just realized that I could heal myself. That if I could do what I used to do, if I could feel that way again, I could learn to be myself.

" _I did it!"_ I scream and then begin to twirl, my hair making long rotations behind me. _"It wasn't even that good but I fucking did it!"_

In my twirling I can hear voices from outside and I immediately my blood turns cold. Quickly, I run to get my bag. Sliding and slipping on the floor, I fall on my butt and shuffle to my bag. But it was too late and I was caught with the realization that I was indeed being watched and that now there were two bodies standing at the other side of the gym. One was a short orange-haired boy and the other was the idiot who sits in front of me. I squealed and then got up quickly, the boys in shock of what I had just done. Their faces said they had to have seen.

"Oi," the dark haired boy starts but I just get up and glare at him.

I don't know if it was menacing enough to get them to forget me but the boy continued to look at me and we had a stare down. The whole time the orange haired boy couldn't get a word out. I turn my back to them very quickly and exit through the door on the other side of the gym. Immediately I ran into three boys, one of whom was very familiar.

The silver-haired boy who has a mole under his eye looks at me with a large smile. I don't know why he's so happy but I don't really care right now. I have to leave. I look to the other two boys to find one tall and wearing a suspicious look on his face. The other, with hair so short he looks bald, wears a surprised expression. Figuring they would want to talk, I bow to them slightly, clutching the strap of my satchel.

When I come back up I hear arguing from inside the gym and know the short boy and the idiot are probably pissing each other off. The three boys in front of me flinch with the yells and I smile and put my head down, walking around them. They don't follow or call after me and I know I'm safe. That is for now.

I go across the campus to where the bikes are located and quickly unchain my bike and put the metal into my bag. Just about as I'm going to ride off, I feel it. The eyes of someone who wants something. Call it the voices always having warned me or the fact that I am just constantly paranoid, I find that I know when people are watching me. Perhaps I can just pedal away.

"Excuse me, Hitz-chan, can I have a moment?" the voice to my back asks and I have the urge to shake my head. But instead I just give a deep sigh and roll my lips in irritation to the person who called my name.

"Yes?" I ask and find the person to be none other than my Japanese literature teacher, Takeda sensei.

"I just saw that you came from the gym where the boys play volleyball and I was wondering if you are the same Katrina Hitz who went on to win national recognition as a libero for Germany?" he asks quickly, his eyes filling with expectation of my answer.

How anyone would even remember me is beyond belief. But here is Takeda looking at me like I am an Olympic athlete spilling out my greatest achievement in life. This is ridiculous. He shouldn't know that. I should just tell him that I am not. Just say no. But my mind has a different monologue prepared.

"I'm not the same person anymore Sensei and I don't think the girl's team would welcome me very much. Besides I don't play anymore. So if you would excuse me, I am going to leave now," I announce and then turn away quickly.

The man is left dumbfounded with his mouth wide open. I merely pedal away faster to my apartment a few miles down the road. The journey takes a little longer than I had anticipated, my mind being lost in memories of volleyball games and friendships shattered by voices and razors. But those memories are somehow trumped by the feeling of a ball on my hand. I still feel it.

When I get home, I find the apartment empty like it always is. Doctor Suoh had stopped by earlier and left more medication for me. I won't have to take another dose until I go to bed. Taking out some dinner, I eat in the dark. It makes me feel at safe. My mind wanders and I remember just how much I missed the silence of being alone. Always being watched by doctors and nurses and personal assistants has finally taken its toll. I hadn't been alone for two years.

But now, the silence feels nice.

* * *

 **Hey everybody! So this is my newest story and just to let you guys know, I do have an Ouran High School Host Club fanfic going so updates will probably be random. My goals for this story is to have Katrina and Aone meet. Now I kinda have gotten into the habit of seeing the under appreciated characters and making them an OC with tragic backstories. It's just my thing. I'm sorry also if this is triggering for anyone. I will include warnings in the description. And just so you all know, I need criticism. If there is something that bugs you about my writing, don't be afraid that I'll get sad. I need the input to become better and always welcome comments. If you just want to message me, that's fine too. I really am a nice person. If you feel that my representation of either schizophrenia or self-harm is untrue, let me know. And also sorry for dumping all of this commentary on you guys in the first chapter.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Haikyu! all characters belong to their rightful owners.**

 **Remember to follow, fave, review, obsess. Thanks for reading this far and I love yous guys!**


	2. To Be Me: That is the Question

**Chapter Two: To Be Me: That is the Question**

 **To be, or not to be: that is the question:  
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer  
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,  
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,  
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;  
No more; and by a sleep to say we end  
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks  
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation  
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;  
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;**

 **-Hamlet, Act III, Scene I**

* * *

The phone rang and rang and I had just about enough of it. Seriously, it is six in the morning and I know Doctor Suoh is scared I overdosed or killed myself but couldn't it wait until seven? I mean if I was already dead I wouldn't answer and I would never get up early just to kill myself! Just wait and I'll answer at seven. But as the phone beeped with a new voicemail I called Doctor Suoh myself. I didn't have the heart to leave him questioning if I was okay for another hour. The man was probably crying.

"Katrina! Katrina, are you okay?"

The voice on the other end of the line was hysterical and I waited for him to stop his repeating questions—most of which I didn't hear over the static filled connection. He started wailing and I pulled the phone back from my ear. After a minute he finally wore himself out. When there was silence and only the breathing of the young Doctor on the other side, I put the phone back to my ear.

"Doc, you know I'm fine. Who else would be calling you?" I groan into the phone, lifting myself from the bed. I get up and open the curtains to find daylight. Grabbing my towel, I head to the bathroom while the other side of the line is silent. He's probably checking some other patient.

"Well," the man says suddenly, the hysteria passed. "How was your first day of school?"

"It was school," I say blandly, not really wanting to talk about volleyball with the Doc.

"Any cute boys?"

He asks the question with childish interest and then giggles like a schoolboy. I roll my eyes as I start the shower with hot water. I put him on speaker and get in, not ending the call while I shower being one of my constraints of living by myself. The shower was probably the most dangerous place for me. Doctor Suoh always wants to make sure I'm not cutting myself in the calming water.

"You're a child," I says as I let the water hit my back.

"A child with a doctorate," he retorts and then adds, "So, do you like any of them?"

"Not really," I say blandly to the man and he groans with my teasing tone.

"You aren't going to tell me are you?"

"I don't have anything to tell."

"Alright," he huffs and then I can hear the sounds of another person with him. Yep he's with another patient. "You see the gym?"

"Yah," I murmur and I can tell he only hears silence.

I place my face under the spray of the shower head and try not to look at my arms. My showers are always like this. I either have to fight myself not to think of the voices or I have to fight myself not to guilt myself into looking at my scars. Both are terrible things and I struggle with washing my long hair. The brown locks go to my mid-back and the only good thing about them is that my hair is so thin that it's not heavy. I can hear Doctor Suoh talking to someone on the other side of the line and know that he is struggling with whoever he's talking to.

"You have a therapy session every Thursday morning for the duration of your absence from the clinic," Doctor Suoh mentions to me as I turn off the water.

My showers are always short; the voices coming back to the surface. I can hear them. Someone is watching me. Someone can hear me when I think about the bad things that I've done. If I don't hurry and toss my pills down the toilet, they will find me. They are watching. No, I push back mentally. Focus on the doctor, you need to take your pills.

"What time? Do I get to miss school?" I ask with a hopeful tone, pushing down the remnants of the voices. It wasn't that I didn't like school but was more that I didn't like getting up early. Mornings were the worst. The voices were always their most powerful after the long time that I slept and the shower never really helping.

"No, you aren't allowed to miss school," Doctor Suoh reprimands with his adult tone. "The appointment is at six thirty and it's in Sendai. The other therapists didn't want to take you. So you'll have to miss the first period but I already spoke to your teachers. But you still have to go. "

Great. Not even the people who were supposed to be used to dealing with freaks wanted me. Now I have to go to the capital just so I can still stay on my own. Maybe Doctor Suoh was doing this on purpose for me to get fed up and come back to the clinic. He seems like the type to think about this. That or it was parents because they want me to move into the house they bought in the next town over, wanting to monitor my every move. If I want to keep my freedom, I'm going to have to take the train and hope for the best.

"How long will it take for me to get there?" I ask as I wrap my hair in a towel, proceeding to go to my bedroom.

"An hour and a half by train," he replies and I can almost hear the smirk in his voice. He thinks he's winning. In reality, he's not.

"Alright when you come, leave me the address and the train pass. I'm assuming you're going to get me a pass," I retort with an annoyed voice. The man 'tsks' and I know that getting a pass is going to be a hassle for him. He doesn't like public transportation very much.

"Fine. Leave all of your razors in the kitchen, you should have three," he instructs with a peeved voice. "Or I can just move into the spare bedroom and make everything simpler."

"Ha, ha, ha," I say in a monotone voice. "No thank you. Don't want to take you away from your work."

There is silence on the line as I grab the razors that were just in the bathroom and put them on the kitchen table. My apartment is too spacious for one person but I like it because it was on the ground floor and was close enough to ride my bike to school. The second bedroom was really a point that Doctor Suoh wanted in order to remind me that he does have the power to move someone in if I mess up. I go back to my bedroom and hurry to dress. Doctor Suoh is silent for a long time and I actually have to check if he's still on the line.

"Take your medication," comes Doctor Suoh's cold voice.

I flinch with the tone and am reminded that the man isn't some goofy person who just so happens to watch me. He is my doctor and I am his patient. And the trial that he has me in is very important. This drug could lead Doctor Suoh into a legendary path and the medication could help countless schizophrenics like me. I can't mess this up.

"I will," I reply and the phone cuts off.

I sigh and throw myself onto the bed. Sometimes I wonder if Doctor Suoh has multiple personalities but then I remember that he has been trained to work with mentally ill patients and realize that his demeanor is only because he wants us to trust him. I do trust him but at the same time, I know what is right for me. I need to live alone and I need to hear the silence.

I fall back asleep and am woken by my alarm twenty minutes later. I dress completely, once again putting my tie too tight but getting frustrated with how it's crooked. My tights don't have any tears in them yet and I am suddenly happy with the small thought of perfect tights. I put some black converse on—I got made fun of wearing vans at home one time, after wearing them in Switzerland—and pack my black flats in my bag. Looking at my arms as I roll up my long sleeves and decide to wrap them. Who knows if Takeda-sensei is going to come after me, but I suppose it's better to be safe than sorry.

My arms were littered with scars from my wrist to my elbow. Most of them were on the inner arm though I did have two deeper ones on the top of my left arm. The suicide cuts stare back at me with white raised skin and a hint of pink along my vein. My arms are trembling and I know I'm scared as I continue to inspect the skin. I shouldn't be looking at them. I need to stop. Grab the bandages and you'll stop, my inner voice instructs and I nod dumbly to myself.

Grabbing a roll of gauze and paper tape I begin to wrap my arms. I breathe in and out slowly as my arms are covered in white. If I'm going to play volleyball I'm going to have to get support braces to hide the scars. I can't have ace bandages because they're too bulky and I can't have paper tape all the time. Nurse Ito will probably have something for me. That's if I play volleyball. I know the girl's team won't allow me and I have fear that in a game they'll ask me to remove my armor. I can't play, maybe teach but can't play.

But I want to play volleyball. I need to feel the slap of the ball when I serve. I need to feel the ball hitting my forearms and lifting into the air. I need to feel the air rushing through my body because I am so fast that the wind travels through me. I want to feel it again. So, I guess I'll see what happens.

Grabbing my satchel bag, I make my way to the kitchen. Eating a toast very fast, I take my first pills of the morning. Grabbing the bento I had made last night, I put it in my bag. Walking out the door, I find my bike and I lock up, my hand staying on the knob for a second too long. What if the people who let me play volleyball look at me with the same disgust? What if the voices come back in full force and yell at me with them? What if I get hurt again?

I'm scared. But what if the feeling of playing makes me better and I won't have to be scared anymore? What if these people are different? I have to try don't I? If I never try how will I ever know if I can be happy again. Because I can fool myself that I am happy right now but without that feeling, I know I'm just lying to myself. The happiness has to be worth the risk. Right?

Right, my inner voice confirms.

* * *

I would say the school day went well except for the fact that the idiot in front of me kept staring at me whenever he could. It was seriously pissing me off. He wouldn't even speak, just stare with a glare on his face and I would just stare back at him with an equally scary look. He tried to follow me at lunch and I could suppose it was only to ask me about what happened in the gym yesterday. But I hid in the nurse's office as I took my pills and ate my lunch.

Nurse Ito was disgusted by my lunch of white rice and boiled potatoes with carrots. I liked it but she said that if didn't eat meat, she was going to start making an extra lunch herself. I told her that potatoes were delicious and she just nodded with not much enthusiasm. I returned to class and ignored the idiot for all that I could. Classes went by quickly and the last bell rang. For a second I thought the idiot would stop me and tell me something. But to my surprise he merely ran off like the day before.

I exit the classroom and looked down the hall that would lead me to the gym. I wonder if I could go and ask them if I could just touch a volleyball; I give up on the idea a moment later. Biting my lip with anxiety, I turn to find an older girl looking at me. The girl was only an inch or two taller than me with short brown hair and contagious smile. I smile back at her and then turn, wondering if she came to see her sibling. That is until she spoke.

"Hitz-chan?" the girl calls out with a cheery voice and my heart sinks. This must be someone who thinks I can play volleyball. I had worried that Takeda-sensei would have told the girls' volleyball captain.

"What?" I ask harshly as I turn, fear turning to anger. The girl's smile falls off and she replaces it with a determined look. I rearrange my bag on my shoulder and wait for her to ask me.

"I was wondering if you would want to try out for the girls' volleyball team," she says quietly when my harsh glare turns into a sneer. I was right.

"Does your uniform have short sleeves?" I ask her with a hiss, angry at Takeda-sensei for spilling the beans of my position in Germany. Seriously, how the hell did he know who I was?

"Yes but—"

"Then I refuse. I do not wish to compete anymore. Those days are gone," I tell with a sour frown. The girl looks at me quizzically and I make a move to walk away but she speaks once again.

"Why would you say that? You were the best in your country, you were possibly the best libero in Europe and now you're just going to give it all up. What happened to you that made you give up the thing that you loved?" she asks angrily and I just frown deeper. I should lie; she doesn't get to know why I am the way I am now.

"I admit it was pretty good but I never loved volleyball. I hated it after a while," I reply with ice in my voice. Turning away from her shocked face, I feel my face fit into a sad smile. Those words couldn't be farther from the truth.

Walking away, I figure that I just blew my chance of playing with volleyball recreationally with the girls and I should just go home. There is nothing I could do now. The girl is going to tell the small glasses teacher and he's going to tell the boys team and the boys' team isn't going to allow me to even talk to them. That is the way the cycle will work. I can see it all playing out now.

So walking to my bike, I decide to go through the soccer field rather than taking the chance and seeing that girl captain or nosey glasses teacher Takeda. But it's just my luck that I am not alone. Instead the idiot and the short orange haired boy are passing to each other in the grass. At least it looks like they're trying to pass. It's not very good passing on the short boy's end. The idiot just seems angry that the other boy doesn't understand what he's doing wrong. I know what they're both doing wrong, passing being my expertise.

I place myself on the other side of the field and lay in the grass. Turning my head, I watch the volleyball be passed for two turns and then falls to the ground. They don't have that bad of form but some things need a lot of work. Turning my head back to the sky, I watch the clouds rolling past. That one looks like a bunny, my voice says.

I have often wondered why this voice differs from the one that I actually think the thoughts now. That voice is somehow random and I wonder if because the medication fogs my mind that I always think with the snarky voice but it is faded into the background. Maybe that's how I really am. I wonder if I will ever become that voice. Perhaps my life won't allow me to ever be that voice.

I look to the boys playing with the green, red and white ball. Perhaps I can regain some of my life with playing the thing that I loved most. I really did love the sport and I was the best, but I didn't like it because I was good. I was good because I liked it.

My parents were always overseas dealing with some business deal, so I was left to fend for myself. The house was quiet back then and the silence scared me. When I was really young, one girl had mentioned to me that her brother played volleyball so she didn't have to go home until late. So in the last year of elementary, I joined a volleyball club outside of school.

My parents didn't mind the fees, so after school and the weekends I practiced. I practiced more than anyone with a full time job and I loved it. During the summer my parents sent me to volleyball camps so I wouldn't be home all alone during the day. I was shipped to America and Austria and Belgium. Volleyball was my life.

That's why when I made my decision to go to a boarding school out of the country, I chose one with a great volleyball program. That's why I was in the showers in Switzerland for the summer when I first hear the voices. It's possible that I could make volleyball my life once again. I was so happy then. The absence of my parents didn't bother me at all and I felt at home on a court. It's possible that I built my life around volleyball and now that I don't have it in my life, I feel empty.

I think about this as I feel the breeze go through the grass and the clouds move faster in the now orange sky; I was daydreaming for an hour or two. But it wouldn't be the first time that happens. Without the voices crowding my mind, I often find that I can think and remember things for hours on end. I have to get going.

Turning back to the boys, I find that they haven't gotten any better. I sigh as I sit up and watch them carefully. They can't identify what they're doing wrong, especially the short one. He looks like he has never had any formal training. I stand and shake my skirt of grass and fix my long braid as I grab my bag.

Now do I go over there and tell them how to fix themselves or do I just leave them like that? Leave them, my voice says, but I ignore it as I walk closer and sit in the grass next to a tree. They won't notice me for a while. The orange haired boy again misses the mark and he lets out an exasperated yell. The idiot only tells him to try harder. Changing my shoes back into my converse from the ride here, I fold my legs into themselves and wait for the ball to be flung to me. It won't take that long.

"Bakayema!" the orange haired boy yells at the idiot.

"Dumbass, hit it up!" the idiot exclaims in anger and I just wait silently.

With a spike from the idiot that hits the short boy in the face, the ball finally rolls to me. I reach the two feet to my right and wait for the boys to ask me for the ball. They are first stunned that I'm sitting there and then are angry at me for not giving the ball back. They wear their kneepads even though we're on soft grass and I immediately wonder if I have any in my boxes of stuff. I probably left them and my ankle braces in some hospital.

"Give me the ball," the ebony-haired idiot says and I stand up slowly. I drop the ball to the ground and take off the red silk tie from my neck. Wrapping it around my braid, I reach down and get the ball once again.

"What are you doing?" the orange-haired boy asks me and I wave at him to get in position. He doesn't seem to understand me and I sigh.

"Get down, I'm going to teach you how to receive properly," I instruct and the midget merely looks dumbfounded.

"I don't think so," the idiot replies and I sigh once again. Why are they making things difficult?

"Why not idiot?" I ask in an exasperated voice.

"Don't call me an idiot!"

"Get into position."

"I don't need to learn how to receive."

"Get into position!" I yell at the tall boy. He frowns with my order but gets into position nonetheless.

"Good. Now when you receive, plant your feet more. I know you're thinking of everything at the same time, but what really matters in that moment is if you get the ball up. If you don't receive, it won't matter about the set or the spike."

The boy frowns and I shake my head with a small smile. He reminds me of a girl I used to play with. They think they know everything and for the most part it's true, but when they get to harder opponents and their basics aren't perfect, their game strategy won't mean anything.

The tall boy has his fingers brushing the ground and I can feel the other boy watching me. I ready my arm and throw the ball in the air. He favors his left side, so I spike downwards to his left. The ball flies into the air and I know he took some of my instruction into consideration. But then again, he barely makes it and the ball doesn't fly to me.

"Plant your feet after the drop back," I instruct the idiot and he turns in disgust. Turning the midget I nod to him and he tosses me the ball he had gotten. He gets into position and I smile a wide smile. " **You** can't put your hands together until you're planted. You like to run with hands almost together. It's faster to get under the ball and then get into position than to be in position and running like a fool."

"Hey," the boy whines and I toss the ball to the boy's right a few feet away. He tries to get under it but his hands once again are together as he moves.

"Okay, look at me. If the idiot were to pass it five feet from me, I could get there with my hands together. But if it were ten feet, I can guarantee that I won't," I explain as the midget gives the ball to the other boy. "Now toss it ten feet, don't worry about it being too low."

The black haired boy heeds my words and nods. He throws the ball moderately high and I wait a second as the ball descends. Then my legs are pumping hard into the dirt and I'm suddenly under the ball with time to spare. I put my arms together and feel the familiar pound of leather against my skin. My heart beats in excitement and I watch as the idiot merely has to put his arms up to catch the ball.

"Amazing," the orange-haired boy remarks and the idiot merely 'tsks'. i can feel myself grin harder as I walk back to the two boys.

"I'm Katrina Hitz by the way. Pleasure to meet you," I reply to the compliment, leaning my hand out as I approach them. The orange-haired boy takes it first and shakes vigorously.

"Shoyo Hinata," he exclaims and then adds a yell of, "I'm going to be Karasuno's ace!"

I laugh mildly as the black-haired boy bangs Hinata on the head. The black haired boy then looks at me with a sour face. He doesn't seem to like that I corrected him. He also doesn't seem to like the fact that I'm good at what I do. Extending my hand to him, he merely looks at it and then turns away. Rude little bastard, my voice thinks angrily. My hand falls to the side and I turn to get my bag. If he doesn't appreciate me helping them then I don't need to waste my time.

"Look what you did Bakeyama! She's leaving. She can help us! If we don't win the match, you can't be setter," Hinata whispers angrily to the other boy.

" _He's a setter. No wonder he has bad manners,_ " I murmur in English to myself as I pick up my bag.

I have never gotten along with my setters. I didn't have to trust them; they always had to trust me, something setters don't exactly like to do. They think they know what's best but they only see the things from the net and never the back line.

"Tobio Kageyama," the angry voice shouts. I drop my bag and then look at him with a smile.

"I'm glad you caved. I miss playing. Let's work on your passing."

The boys got better as the day went on. Soon enough it was dark and Hinata was able to actually get some balls up into the air. We passed between the three of us for a couple of hours but my fatigue and the heat of wearing a long sleeve shirt, forced me to sit down. I hadn't actually exercised in the hospitals. The last thing the nurses wanted was for me to get strong enough to overpower them. Even though I had to sit out when the stars came out, I felt content.

The rush of touching the volleyball made me remember that it had been such a big part of my life. It was like without volleyball who was I really? I guess you could say a depressed schizophrenic was what I was. But right now, I wasn't a schizophrenic. I didn't feel like I was. I felt like Katrina Hitz: the libero champion of Germany, the daughter of successful business lawyers, the girl with the long hair who couldn't even hide her motions. That was who I felt like as I laid in the grass and watched the stars.

"Hey, give it back," Hinata yells and I am this close from telling him that he has to play nice with Kageyama.

But then again I didn't even play nice with Kageyama. I sit up nonetheless to stop the twentieth fight this evening. As my eyes hit the place where the boys are a few feet away, I'm surprised that we have company. I didn't even hear them come. One boy is blond and stands way taller than I can trust people to be and his brown haired companion wasn't something to shy away at either. Hinata was jumping for the ball, only to have it raised higher.

"Isn't it time for elementary school boys to go home?" the large blonde says and I snort at the insult.

He really knows how to hit it where it hurts. Hinata doesn't like to be called short just as much as I don't like to be called scrawny. But I have to admit, Hinata is short and I could use some weight. I'm nothing but skin and bones anymore. I walk over to where the boys are and the two newcomers don't really give me any attention.

Hinata instead looks like he's going to tackle the blonde. I merely step next to the orange-haired boy, scowling at the guests. Hinata calms down with my presence and I feel Kageyama come up from the back. By the way my back is burning, he's giving them a scowl too.

"Are you the other first-years joining the club?" Kageyama asks and I wonder why the boys I've been practicing with for hours, weren't practicing in the gym. Maybe I should have asked. Oh, well, it's too late for that. "You, how tall are you?"

I stare up at the blond boy and he looks down on me and Hinata with a smirk. I really don't like this guy. He's probably emotionally constipated and doesn't know how to express any emotion beyond anger and arrogance.

"Tsukki is 188 centimeters," the brown haired boy boasts, then adds, "he'll be 190 soon."

God that is disgustingly tall. I can't trust people that height. They see things without actually having been in the action when it happened. Short people are always in the middle of shit and we can barely even get out. Damn tall people.

"What are you bragging about Yamaguchi," the blond—Tsukki—tells the other boy. Yep, nothing but rage and arrogance.

"Sorry Tsukki," Yamaguchi says and I wonder why he stays with the tall beanstalk.

"You're Kageyama from Kitagawa Daiichi, aren't you?" the blonde beanstalk says and I glance at Kageyama to see him frown deeper. "What is an elite like you doing at Karasuno?"

"Hm," Kageyama replies and I know Hinata is going to open his small pie hole. The attention hasn't been on him for a while.

"Hey," Hinata says, putting himself between Kageyama and Tsukki. I take a step back just in case. "We're going to beat you this Saturday!"

There is silence for a second and I can see that the blonde is readying another verbal punch. Whatever he's going to say, it's going to totally piss off both boys. And what's with this Saturday thing? HInata mentioned something about a match and Kageyama not being a setter.

Maybe I should have actually asked and talked to the boys I was bouncing a volleyball with. But then again whenever I opened my mouth to correct Kageyama he would just try to spike it at Hinata's face, so I wasn't exactly in a place to talk. I also doubt Kageyama would have told me anything.

"Oh, I see. This is a very important match for you. I could care less if I win or lose but you guys actually want to win. You even got a little girl cheerleader. I guess, I could go easy on you," the beanstalk says and I knew it would hurt. He even insulted me. I bite my lip not to cuss the guy out.

"Whether you go easy or not, I will beat you," Kageyama says darkly and I roll my eyes with the 'I'. Seriously Kageyama, you can't beat him yourself.

"You mean 'we'?" Hinata yells at Kageyama.

"Amazing. I've never seen someone so confident, I wouldn't expected any less from the king," the beanstalks says but I can't identify the punch in his words. That is until I look at Kageyama. The boy's demeanor changed and his stance was more of kicked puppy than the pissed off boy from earlier.

"Don't call me that," Kageyama says angrily and the other boy merely chuckles.

"So the rumor is true."

"What rumor?" I ask, finally adding to the conversation. But I said the words with so much venom in my voice that the blonde boy has to pause and smirk at me. I glare and then smirk back at him, the boy's eyes widening with the challenge.

"The rumor that he loses it when he's called King of the Court," the boy replies to me and I glare as he turns to Kageyama.

"What's your problem?" Kageyama retorts and I can tell that Kageyama is unsettled by this rumor.

Hinata can sense the change and he goes to stand behind Kageyama. I merely turn to see that the brown haired boy is watching his friend with pride. I give him a dirty look which he backs away from for a moment, not having as strong as a stomach for my glances as his friend. Tsukki starts to walk towards Kageyama and I take a step closer just in case.

"I watched the prefecture preliminary game. That was some egocentric tossing that you did. I can't believe your teammates tolerated it, because I just couldn't. Wait," Tsukishima makes a noise of realization and I want to punch him. "I guess what happened was because they couldn't tolerate it anymore, either."

I want to go at him but Kageyama beats me to it. The boy grabs a hold of the beanstalk's shirt and gives him a death glare. Yamaguchi gives a call out to his friend and steps forward to help him. Doing the same because I would actually want to fight, I ready myself for anything. This blonde went too far and it's after school hours so we can't be punished.

I step in between the brown haired boy and the blonde, ready to take down Yamaguchi if Kageyama goes at Tsukki. But he doesn't, letting his hand slip from the shirt. Yamaguchi looks at me surprised I was ready to fight and I just scare him with a toothy grin. I'm not afraid of being hurt. I got into enough fights at the psyche wards to know how to take someone down.

Hinata looks baffled by Kageyama's actions and I'm surprised too. Why doesn't Kageyama stick up for himself? Is what he did really that bad that he can't even defend his actions? I can't tell as Kageyama walks to where our bags are. He looks emotionally compromised. Maybe he needs a therapy session.

"Let's go," Kageyama says and I don't make a move. Hinata doesn't move for a second either and I just turn to the blonde, knowing he's going to say something smart.

"What?" Hinata asks as the blonde goes to retrieve that ball.

"Running away? I guess the King isn't what he's cracked up to be," the beanstalk says and Hinata and I zero in on him. "I guess we'll just win this Saturday."

The beanstalk throws the ball into the air and I watch as Hinata grabs it five feet off the ground. For a second I'm shocked but then I'm impressed. This small kid has some skills. I just thought he was a newbie. But boy can he jump.

"Shut up with the King stuff. I'm here too," Hinata says angrily and I can't help but crack a smile with his trying to get attention. "I'll spike the ball over your head."

"Huh," the beanstalk says and Hinata loses his courage with a glare from the taller boy.

I figure it's time for me to step in too. I want this Tsukki to be knocked down from his high pedestal. I want him to get what's coming to him. He deserves pain for being such an asshole. MIght as well give him a warning first before he gets backhanded by karma.

" _Wie man in den Wald hineinruft, so schallt es heraus,_ _"_ I tell the boy and he turns his head with a glare directed at me.

I merely walk past him to my bag. Hinata doesn't follow for a second until I wave my hand at him. He nods and runs past me to get his own bag. I'm not surprised they would want an explanation but am surprised that it's his friend that has to ask for the arrogant boy.

"What does that mean?" Yamaguchi asks angrily and I turn to him sizing him up. I could totally take him.

 _"_ Just as one shouts into the forest, so it echoes back," I reply. The boy looks at me with a frown set with confusion. This blonde is racking up some totally negative karma points and I can't wait to see him fall on his face. So I smirk and just say, "You look like a smart boy. Figure it out for yourself. I can't be stuck babysitting children who don't understand simple proverbs."

I walk away, leaving a shocked look on both of their faces. They shouldn't underestimate me. The two boys that wait for me, give me proud smiles. I smile widely back at them and wonder if I can get home in the dark. You're going to have to, my voice says and I agree.

"Same place tomorrow?" I ask the two boys and they simply nod, Kageyama too upset and Hinata too confused.

Walking to my bike, I find that I have a bounce in my step. I'm actually really happy and this might be the first time that I'm looking forward to the next day. I'll have to find out what's on Saturday and why Kageyama doesn't like to be called king tomorrow.

The realization hits me that some voices have been coming up. I am suddenly unsure if I will get home in one piece because I have to ride home in the dark and take my pills. I should carry them with me.

Because I swear that that shadow just moved towards me.

* * *

 **Hey all of you that have actually gotten to the second chapter. Just so everyone knows, I have an Ouran High School Host Club fanfic going. I also probably will be writing this for myself and playing around with writing styles. So I am sorry if you dislike it! If you have a problem about anything, leave a comment or message me. This was one long chapter and I am very surprised I wrote this much.**

 **As always, follow, fave, review, obsess, Love yous guys.**


	3. A First Encounter

**Chapter Three: A First Encounter**

* * *

" **Remember tonight... for it is the beginning of always"**

― **Dante Alighieri**

" **And suddenly you know: It's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings."**

― **Meister Eckhart**

" **Begin, be bold, and venture to be wise."**

― **Horace**

* * *

I am starting to wonder how Kageyama got into high school. All he did was sleep through our classes the entire day. He wouldn't even have gotten up for lunch if I hadn't kicked his chair—which I denied when he asked about it. But more than that, the classes seemed to be preparing us for some big tests and the material was rapidly getting more advanced. He better not ask me to tutor him. I think I would kill him first.

The bell rang and Kageyama raced out the door before I could even stand up. I shake my head with a small smile and find that these actions were becoming a routine that even our classmates knew. They parted like the red sea as Kageyama ran. Figuring I might find Hinata alone, I go to where the other classrooms are. Thankfully I don't see beanstalk and company but found the orange-haired boy exiting a classroom.

"Hinata!" I yell through the hall and the boy turns to me with a wide smile as he scurries over to me.

"Katrina, what class are you in?" he asks as he adjusts his gym bag.

"Class 3 with Kageyama. You?"

"Class 1. Are you going to practice with us today?" he asks already jumping with excitement. I nod but know I should ask him about the match and Kageyama being called king.

"Hey Hinata, what is the match you guys were talking about yesterday?" I ask him and turn so we could walk down the hall. Hinata follows and is almost skipping with anticipation.

"We got kicked out of the club because we weren't getting along. So the captain said that if we could beat the other first years in a match on Saturday, we will be accepted. But if we lose, we can still get in but Kageyama won't be setter," he says slowly, trying to remember all the details for the story.

I bite my lip as I think of how skilled beanstalk and company are. I didn't assess them but their height is going to prove a challenge for Hinata and Kageyama. If I know how they play, I can fully prepare the two boys. But that means I'm going to have to spy on them. Damn it, I'm going to have to risk seeing the glasses teacher Takeda.

"What about Kageyama being called king?" I ask him as we turn down the hall, seeing the locker rooms not far ahead.

"Oh, I don't know that, but it's a cool nickname. I think I want one, but I can't come up with a name," Hinata frowns. I look at him and give him a large grin. He's silly and kinda stupid.

"I'm sure you'll figure it out," I tell him with a shrug of my shoulders.

"Yah!" Hinata exclaims as he's about to go into the locker rooms but I grab his wrist before he can escape.

"I'm going to be a little late. I'm going to see if I can get any information on your opponents," I say and watch the boy's eyes go wide with surprise.

"You can't do that! Isn't it cheating?"

"No. People do it all the time," I mutter and then let go of his wrist.

Hinata nods once and enters bathroom. Okay, so people don't spy on their opponents in real time. They usually watch previous matches, so technically I lied. But at the same time, I won't be able to find any tapes on them if I don't know who they are exactly. So on to spying I go. But before I go, I enter the girl's locker rooms and find that it's empty. Sighing, I decide to change into the clothes I packed.

Going into a bathroom stall, I take off my vest tie and long sleeve shirt. I put some paper tape on my arms but only on my wrists. I search in my satchel and find my red under armour long sleeve shirt. It was a gift from my parents when I got out of the second psyche hospital. Taking out my converse and pair of black running shorts, I take off my skirt but leave my tights. I couldn't find any long socks or ankle braces to hide my scars, so I have to put up with the tights for today.

Throwing everything back into the satchel, I leave the stall and find the locker room still empty. Hurrying before someone comes in, I enter into the hall. Turning towards the gym, I can hear voices and hide behind a wall. When I glance around the corner I see the silver haired boy from the first day talking to the shaved head guy. They don't notice me but pass the hall and go towards the gym.

Waiting for five minutes, I fiddle with my hair. I have to wait for practice to start for me to really assess them. It is silent as I slide down the wall and wait. That is until my phone starts ringing, breaking the silence. I fumble as I look in my bag, shifting clothes and books to find my damn phone. I hate it. Stupid phone. No one even calls me except for Doctor Suoh. And that is exactly who the caller ID said it was when I finally found it.

"What?" I whisper as I take the call. Doctor Suoh didn't call me for my shower this morning; instead a nurse called who was late and almost made me late for school.

"What are you doing that you have to whisper?" he replies with a chuckle. I roll my eyes and have the thought that I could end the call. He'll just call back, my voice reminds me and I know it's right.

"I spying on someone," I murmur as I make sure no one is still around me.

"Who are you spying on?" he asks more curious than concerned that I'm spying on people.

"Two other players. I don't know their names or stats, so I have to do a reconnaissance mission."

"You really couldn't stay away from volleyball could you? I knew it and Rita owes me twenty for it," he says happily and I can hear him clap his hands in satisfaction.

"Well mister know-it-all, you're going to have to pick some stuff up for me. I need a pair of knee pads, black, ascis competition pair. If you can't find those don't bring any gel, those suck. Then ankle braces, I think it was shock wizard or doctor or something. They had a compression band around it and they were black. Then I need two compression arm sleeves, those in white or black, I don't care, but absolutely not blue," I tell him quickly, trying to remember what exactly the best ones were.

"Wait, wait, I'm not ready," Doctor Suoh yells as I can hear him shuffling in his papers for something to write on.

"You ready now?"

"Yes, okay go."

"Black ascis knee pads, no jelly only foam padding. Ankle braces, shock doctor in black with compression band. Two compression arm sleeves, white, no blue," I say slowly, imagining him scribbling all this with his terrible hand writing.

"Alright. I'll see what I can do. You'll have them by Friday," he tells me and I nod as I hear people coming down the hall.

"I have to go," I whisper.

"Don't forget your therapy appointment tomorrow," he says quickly as I hang up the phone. At least I got my equipment out of him. I expected more of a fight.

The voices disappear and the air is left with only the sounds of a pair of feet. Behind me I could hear them approaching and I hoped they wouldn't look to their right as they passed my hall. I hold my breath as I see them and it was none other than Takeda-sensei. For a moment I thought I would be fine until my now off balance bag decided it was time to obey the laws of gravity and fall. The man couldn't have jumped higher into the air and I couldn't feel like I wanted to die more.

"Hitz-chan?" Takeda-sensei asks as he recovers his breath. He looks at me and I just frown and stand. Grabbing my bag and hoping that a little jostling would teach it its lesson, I wonder if I can run away. It's not likely.

"Yes," I reply as the man smiles widely at me. He's too happy.

"Are you heading to the gym?" he asks me as I give him an even deeper frown.

"No."

"Why are dressed in gym clothes then?" he asks and I can see that he thinks he caught me in my lie. I turn away and 'tsk' with his carefree tone. "The girls' volleyball captain said she spoke to you. She said you refused her offer of trying out for the volleyball team."

"I don't want to compete," I say matter-of-factly and turn back to see the man with a sad smile.

"You don't hate volleyball do you? You lied to her so she would leave you alone," he figures out and I look at him, challenging him to say something else. He does. "Why did you disappear for two years?"

"How do you know who I am?" I ask him with a harsh voice. He's getting into an uncharted territory but he doesn't flinch with my tone. Instead he gives an embarrassed laugh and rubs the back his head.

"The school subbed me as the volleyball team's faculty advisor. I didn't know much about volleyball so I started studying. I knew we needed a coach so I was looking for anyone really. When I googled best volleyball coaches, your name came up as one of your coach's legacy students. After a while, I googled you and found out you were the best in Germany, fell in status in your first year of high school and then disappeared completely."

"Well, you have an awful lot of time on your hands," I mutter with a thin lined smile. He really did know who I was and it was by chance too. How he recognized me when I'm ten pounds lighter and my hair is ten inches longer is really a feat too.

"So do you want to come and play?" the man asks with a large smile and I shift uncomfortably.

I have to go help Kageyama and Hinata. They have to beat those other two first-years. And I need to know information about them. Takeda-sensei could give me the information and I can get a quick assessment of their skills. But what if they want me to play with them. I can't. I want to play but at the same time I'm scared. I haven't played in a gym with others for two years. What if they see my scars? What if they ask me why I disappeared?

"I don't know if I want to play with them," I confess, my voice scared and my hands trembling. My teacher looks at me with wide eyes and I think he might understand what happened to me. Didn't Doctor Suoh say he would tell my teachers about me missing tomorrow? Just how much does he know?

"Then you can come watch," Takeda-sensei offers with a reassuring smile.

"Can you tell me about the other two first-years?" I ask before accepting his proposal.

"Their names are Tsukishima Kei and Yamaguchi Tadashi," he replies with uncertainty at my question. "They should be practicing with the others."

"Alright then, I'll go."

He gestures for me to follow him and soon enough I'm walking at his side to the gym. I don't know how this spying mission turned into me being escorted to the gym but at least I'll get to see the boy's opponents. When we are across from the gym my feet freeze in fear. Memories of my teammates calling me a freak coming up and the voices somehow breaking through the medicated haze.

They won't like you. They are going to know that you're a freak. We have to go home, they are watching us. They'll see your scars. They won't want to play with you. Who would ever want to stay with you? You can't have friends when you look like this.

"Stop it," I order aloud as I clutch my head in my hands, staring straight forward. Takeda-sensei looks at me worriedly and I breathe in and out, pushing the voices down. Fear always makes them come up quicker. I have to not be afraid. "I'm not afraid."

"Are you okay Hitz-chan?" Takeda-sensei asks me as I remove my hands from my head. I look at his wide eyes and roll my lips with hesitance.

"I'll be fine. Sometimes they come up," I tell him. The man doesn't seem to understand but nods nevertheless.

"You don't have to go in if you don't want to," he tells me, now realizing that he may have pushed me too far too quickly.

"I can stand in the door," I say as I make my legs move to gym doorway. Inside I can see it: volleyball practice.

The silver-haired boy is the setter and they're currently working on spiking drills. On the other side of the net there is only the tall black haired boy who is receiving. The shaven head and the beanstalk and company are lined up while three other players are working on passing. I watch as the shaven head goes first and the boy on the other side receives nicely. But I can tell by his movements he isn't a libero.

"You don't have a libero?" I ask quietly as I watch the boys.

"No, he's not here yet," Takeda-sensei replies and I watch beanstalk spike the ball.

It isn't anything too impressive. All he has going for him is his height. His brown haired friend goes next and he isn't anything to worry about either. Their height will be a problem but if I have them ready with receiving and Kageyama puts up a block, we'll win. What I'm wondering is if it's going to be two-on-two or are they going to add another player? Do they need me to play? I'm not a very good spiker.

"Wow, look who came," an annoying voice announces and I can feel all eyes turn on me. Takeda-sensei stiffens and I make eye contact with Tsukki. He gives me a smirk and I sneer at him. He chuckles as he spins the ball that he holds in his hands.

"You're spiking sucks," I remark and everyone in the gym stiffens with my comment.

Tsukki gives me an angry frown and I know what he's going to do. Pushing my teacher out of the way, I drop my bag to floor as Tsukki spikes the ball at me. The ball flies in slow motion but I'm quicker than I was with Kageyama, getting under the ball. It's harder than I would have expected but it hits my forearms nevertheless, bouncing high and a few feet in front of me.

Tsukki's face says he isn't impressed and I'm pissed as all hell. How dare he think that wasn't something great, my voice screams! I watch as the ball descends and then look at the blonde with a smirk. I put my hands back as I take two steps and see the ball approaching optimal spiking height. Jumping in the air, I slap the ball towards Tsukki, my right hand burning with the action. The ball hits the ground in front of him and then ricochets into his stomach. He grunts with the impact.

"Whoa," I hear Takeda-sensei at my back. I give Tsukki a dirty look as he glares at me harder than he could ever manage.

"That's a spike. You need to work on your receiving if you ever plan on winning," I remark in a haughty voice. I look around the gym to see the other boys' faces stunned. I turn around, grabbing my bag and exiting a moment later.

"Hitz-chan?" Takeda-sensei calls out as I go across the path dividing the gym and the school. I turn back for a second and give him a thumbs up.

"Don't tell them who I am Sensei or else," I smile sweetly but put my thumb down as a threat. The man flinches for the first time and I walk away. When I get to the soccer field a minute later, I'm welcomed by an angry voice.

"You're late," Kageyama says, angry frown as he spikes a ball to me. I put out one lazy arm as a receive and drop my bag.

"I was checking out your competition. You need to work harder. Get in position, we have a long way to go."

* * *

I knew I shouldn't have stayed out with the boys all night. They needed help but now at four in the morning, I am regretting the decision. As it was, I got up late and Doctor Suoh wasn't answering for me to take my shower and now I can barely find the station. Riding down the hill, the opposite direction of where I have ventured, I scope out the buildings. My bike comes to a halt as I see the post office next to the station. Quickly jumping off, I chain my bike to a bike rack and run into the small station.

I look at the train whose doors are threatening to close. The electronic sign says that it's going to Sendai. That's my train. The door start to close and I make a sprint for it. The doors are more than halfway shut as I squeeze myself through them. Pulling my satchel through the door, I am relieved that I actually made it and collapse on the ground.

" _Thank you god. Thank you. I owe you big time,"_ I murmur in English as I stare at the ceiling of the train as it start to move.

When I look around I find the few people on the train staring at me in disbelief. I pick myself up slowly, fixing my skirt as I go. Who would have known that I would have actually made the train? Going to sit in an empty seat, I look in my bag for my pills. I hadn't had a chance to take them at home. I put the pills in my mouth and swallow them without water. The people on the train stare and I give them dirty looks.

"Did you pay to get on this train young lady?" an old woman says across from me. She wears the colored pink kimono all old ladies in the town wear. I sigh and look at her. "Are you skipping school?"

"I am going to Sendai to visit someone in the hospital. The doctor already told the station and has paid for my ticket for every Thursday morning. Also I am not skipping school because my teachers have already been made aware. So thank you for your concern," I tell her sassily and then raise a single eyebrow when she blushes with embarrassment. Why is she even on the train this early?

What I said wasn't the whole truth but it also wasn't a lie. Doctor Suoh made sure that I would be able to get on at home. But the bastard just gave me a credit card to buy my own ticket at Sendai. Which I wasn't looking forward to. I don't understand why he also gave me a credit card if he said it was only for the train and not for anything else. For that give me the damn train pass. Because he's a lazy bastard, my voice says and I agree.

I stop thinking of Doctor Suoh, just so I wouldn't upset my stomach. The rest of the way to Sendai is spent with trying not to fall asleep and watching the people getting off and on. It is also spent trying to make sense of the directions my phone was giving me from the station to the therapist. So it was the worst train ride I have ever had.

When I get off at the Sendai station, I am bombarded with people. Sendai is the capital of the Miyagi prefecture and Tome isn't anywhere near the population. The station is fancy and I can hear the various train arrivals and departures. Getting off the train, I try to find which road I'm supposed to walk to the bus stop. Being hit from every direction, I come out on the sidewalk and start to run.

I turn down a deserted street and see the building I'm supposed to go to. Sendai hospital is another two miles down but the trip from the station totals almost three miles. But the bus that I need will take fifteen minutes to reach that damn hospital. Paying the two hundred yen, the bus ride is short and when I get off, I see the dirty words after I enter the building. Psychiatric ward stares at me in red bolded letters.

Heaving my bag I turn right down the halls, passing nurses and white jackets. I make it to a room that says Doctor Hana Morinozuka. Checking the time of my phone I find that it says six thirty one. I'm one minute late.

Let's see if this woman is going to freak. If she does, I'll hate her. But if she doesn't, I'll learn to hate her. I push the door open and find the typical therapy room. I am met with a chaise of leather and a desk with a woman in a white jacket, writing words and some people's life warrants, assigning drugs she has no idea what it does to a person's brain.

"You're late," she mutters and I make my judgement: I hate her.

"Oh, my darling," I announce in a comical voice. I give her a wide grin as I flourish and say, "A queen is never late; others are simply early."

The large grin falls off my face a moment and it settles into an unpleasant glare. The woman in front of me is relatively young to be in such a prestigious place, her age roughly early thirties. Her hair is cut to her shoulders and is a deep brown. Her face is adorned with rounded glasses and square bangs frame her face. I drop my bag unceremoniously and then jump onto the chaise, making myself comfortable.

"Are you done?" she asks in a monotone voice and I snort and give her a haughty smile. I look to her as she gets up from behind the desk, her white doctor coat moving aside to reveal a red shirt and black pencil skirt.

"Only if you got the chance to write down that I am a delusional person who thinks she's the queen of Genovia," I reply, remember one of my teammate's obsession with the Princess Diaries. The woman doesn't seem enthused as she sits in a chair closer to my couch and moves my bag aside.

"I am Doctor—

"Yah, yah. We both know why we're here. Let's cut that chatter. I could use a nap," I interrupt and face the ceiling. I am such an asshole to my therapist but I hate how they try to get into my head.

"I see that your file wasn't lying. I had thought for a moment that the other accounts were over exaggerated," she says with a small sigh, the only remotely human thing she's done yet.

"Yes, let's get the whole I know everything about you over with," I hiss, knowing she's going to read all the reports from previous doctors. But she surprises me.

"Well, to begin with, I would like to see your arms," she instructs and I turn my head and glare.

If I say no, she'll only tell Doctor Suoh. He'll think that something will be wrong and then that won't help me with gaining my freedom. I sit up but make my body language clearly show that I am angry at her for doing this. But the anger somehow dissipates when I move my hand to the button around my wrist. My hand trembles and I look to her with a pleading look. She shows no emotion back.

"Please, do I have to look at them?" I ask in a small voice and she shakes her head. I nod once and close my eyes, unbuttoning and pulling them back. The act itself scares me and when the woman takes a hold of my right wrist, I nearly scream.

"Do you not like looking at them?" she asks as she releases me from her grip and I quickly put my sleeves back before she can give me permission.

"What do you think lady?" I say with my eyes still closed.

I turn back around and lie on the couch. That was about the end of the dialogue with my new psychiatrist, because I had fallen asleep in the short time that I laid down on her uncomfortable chaise. She woke me forty-five minutes later and I didn't say a word to her as I left the hospital. On my way back to the bus stop I found a bakery and bought myself four cookies: two chocolate chip and two sugar.

But when I got to the station I found myself once again lost in the shuffle. I looked around and found the ticket window with people but the line was filled with tourists. When I walked around, it was my luck that I found the automatic ticket booth but it was confusing. Was it touch screen? Oh, shit, it is. You're terrible with technology, my voice laughs and I just frown.

I read the options over and over. There was a two day pass and then there was the train pass for the month, then there was the fast bullet train, and buses. Why would they put bus tickets with the train tickets? Every time I would tap another option I wouldn't be able to go back. Maybe if I switched it to English. Nope it was even worse. I could hear all of the trains coming in and I knew mine would be in soon. I tapped another option but the screen froze and I couldn't take it anymore.

"Ughhhh," I scream and then put my head to the machine. I bang it against it a couple of times while muttering, "Why is everything so hard?"

"Here," someone says and I think they're some attendant that was going to get angry that I was breaking the god forsaken devil craft that is a ticket dispenser.

"I just want a one-way ticket to Ishikoshi station," I reply as I remove my head from the machine and feel a large body at my back.

A long arm then comes from my side and I gawk at the length of it. If the guy isn't even touching me and his arm still reaches the screen he must be, oh my god. I look behind me for a second and I see a giant of a guy. The surprising thing is that he is wearing a black boy's uniform just like Karasuno's but with silver buttons and piping.

Looking at his face I can feel my face crunch as I notice he doesn't seem to have eyebrows. But his hair color is nearly white that maybe he just has really, really nude eyebrows. His face is glaring at the screen in concentration and I wonder if I should be afraid. But then again, he is helping me get a ticket. The hunched over boy looks at me and then nods his head to the machine. It prompts me to give it my card and I put it in, the machine dispensing a single paper ticket.

"Thanks," I tell the boy, relieved that I won't miss my train. That is until I hear the station announce my train is coming into the station. My eyes go wide and I push past the boy for a second. "I have to get on that train. Thanks again!"

I run to the turn-wheel guard and allow it to scan my ticket as I pass through the gate. I break out into a run that isn't a run but merely avoiding people in the large crowd. I pass through people and I can see the doors of my train begin their slower closing. Getting into the train with half the door still open, I'm relieved, that is until I see the guy with no eyebrows running to get on the train. I look at him in the eyes and then look to the doors.

"Fuck it," I say as I grab hold of one sliding piece and pull it back. Its hard work and my arms begin to tremble with the exertion. The door stops its progress and the boy runs harder as I can feel the train jostle with being started. I almost don't think he'll make it but with my holding the door, he slips in and I let go, the doors slamming shut. For the second time today, I collapse onto the ground of a train.

"Thank you," the boy says quietly in a deep voice and I simply breathe hard.

"No problem. I do it all the time," I joke and look at the people watching us.

I glare and they resume whatever activities they were doing before our scene. Then I see that the last two seats available are next to each other to my right, one of them on an end. I want the end seat. Suddenly a hand is in front of my vision and the guy extending it gives me a serious look. Maybe that's how he always look, my voice says and I don't argue.

I take it and I feel like an ant when I stand next to him. He must be at least six feet. Possibly a few inches more than that because I can't really judge from my height. I walk to the seats available and take the seat on the end, next to another door.

The boy follows and he sits himself down next to me. The suit and tie across from us gives us a dirty look and I give it back to him. He looks like he's going to say something and I gently raise one eyebrow. He looks down a moment later and I rub my forehead. God this day is too crazy and it isn't even eight in the morning.

After a few minutes of silence, I open my satchel, once again entirely a mess. Finding the cookies from the bakery in a bag next to my math book, I take it out and open it. Inhaling the sweet scent I find the boy next to me looking at me—well mostly the cookies but I'm holding the cookies.

I make a face with my lips scrunched up to the left side of my face. You should share with him, my voice says, he kinda saved us. Yah but I repaid it with saving him. But then again I caused him to be late most likely. If he didn't help me, he wouldn't have had to sprint onto a train. I sigh heavily and then move my hand with the bag closer to the boy.

"You want one? I owe you for today," I mutter with a sad face. I turn away not to guilt the guy into letting me eat four whole cookies by myself. But when I feel the bag rustle, I turn and see him looking at me with a serious face. I can read he really wants one though. "Yah, go ahead. I don't mind."

The boy gets happy but it only shows in his eyes and the way they almost become small slits. His mouth doesn't move from the thin line it is set in but I can still tell he's delighted. He reaches into the paper bag and takes out a sugar cookie with his large hand. He turns away and takes a large bite of the cookie and I stare up at him. Who would have thought I would be sharing my cookies with a complete stranger after falling asleep in my therapy appointment.

I turn from looking at him and I take out a chocolate chip cookie, breaking it apart and putting a large chunk in my mouth. They were soft and definitely chocolatey but were also buttery. They were amazing. I was in heaven. I took another bite and soon enough was done with my first cookie. As I reached into the bag to get my second I could feel the boy staring at the bag once again.

"Do you want another one?" I ask as I grab the sugar cookie and take a large bite. This one was more savory than sweet even though it was a sugar cookie.

The boy looks at me and gives a single nod. I hand the bag off to him and finish my own cookie. The boy rustles the bag and soon enough we're both done with the deserts. My belly was full but at the same time I wanted twenty more cookies. They were just so delicious.

I attempt to distract myself from the lack of cookies and I notice that the train is getting more and more empty with every stop. Curious about the person I just gave half of my cookies to, I look at the boy again. He looks like he's an adult but he acts like a kid. I wouldn't doubt if he was only a year older than me. The giant turns to find me staring and I cock my head as I examine his face for any signs of eyebrows.

"Did you shave them off?" I blurt out and am suddenly super embarrassed with my actions. But the boy gives me a weird look and I take that as a no. In an attempt to get him to not think about my stupid question, I introduce myself. "I'm Katrina Hitz."

"Aone Takanobu," he replies and his serious face softens when he extends his right hand awkwardly to me. I shake it nonetheless with a smile on my face. I find his serious face somewhat soothing. He was my polar opposite.

"You aren't getting off at my stop?" I ask, knowing that he probably won't. When he shakes his head, he then reaches into his pocket, producing his train ticket. "Tajiri station. That's a couple of stops before mine. You going to school I assume."

"Date Tech," he says quietly and I get the feeling that he won't be talking all that much.

I nod and then watch him replace his ticket in his pocket. After a few moments of silence, I realize that he wasn't that bad for a giant. Yah he might have no eyebrows and be scary tall but he helped me and was like a giant puppy. Like Clifford! After a while, I find that the time passed quickly and Aone was soon getting up from his seat. He looks to me and I smile a bright smile at him, my day somehow brightened by cookies and this large boy's presence.

"I'll see you next Thursday," I tell him and he nods with his serious face. Then he gets off the train and I watch him walk away as the train begins to move. But just when I think I've lost him I see him turn around and watch the train leave.

Maybe Thursday mornings might not be as bad as I thought they would.

* * *

 **A first encounter with both a psychiatrist and Aone. I'm tired so this also going to be brief. Thank you legoinaries for your comment! I really hope you like the progression of this story.**

 **As always, follow, fave, review, obsess. Loves yous guys.**


	4. A Lot of Things

**Chapter Four: A Lot of Things**

* * *

" **Even the good things from our pasts still only belonged in the past"**

― **Cora Carmack,** _ **Faking It**_

" **Sometimes, you get things right the first time. Others, the second. But the third time, they say, is the charm."**

― **Sarah Dessen,** _ **Along for the Ride**_

* * *

It rained Friday morning and by the time the boys and I were practicing, the mud of the soccer field was killing me. I told the boys not to wear their court shoes only to learn they brought separate runners when they saw the rain. I hated having to ride my bike in the pelting rain but I got to class on time. Of course I was soaked through and through but got to change in my gym clothes from Wednesday, now not caring if they get dirty because they were dry.

"So," I start to say as I spike the ball at Hinata. He's gotten a lot better and can keep the ball up for almost thirty minutes. "What time is the match tomorrow?"

"How do you know about that?" Kageyama asks angrily, readying the pass he got from Hinata for a spike. I hadn't exactly mentioned to him I knew about the match but figured if I showed up tomorrow he would be angry whether I asked for permission or not.

"I know many things," I tell Kageyama as he frowns and gives me a hard spike. I receive it and the ball flies back to Hinata so he can spike to Kageyama.

"It's at ten o' clock tomorrow," Hinata fills me in and I'm glad that I don't have to wake up that early.

"Why are you asking?" Kageyama groans as he receives and the ball flies to me. I spike at Hinata but make it slightly short. The boy dives into the muddy grass but the ball flies to Kageyama.

"I'm wanna watch you play. That and it's fun to yell at you when you mess up," I say happily and laugh slightly with Kageyama's flinch.

The boy doesn't appreciate it very much and decides to be an ass. He spikes the ball over my head and I run to get it. I'm gonna be short unless I dive and I cringe with the thought. But performing my duties nonetheless, I dive into the grass and the ball flies back towards the group albeit a bit short. I can hear Hinata running to get the ball and then can discern the sound of mud hitting a body. I turn my head to see Kageyama catch the ball and then he gives us a dirty look as we lay in the grass.

"You guys are disgusting," he remarks and I sit up.

Looking at myself I find mud all over my shirt and pants, some of it sinking into my tights. Hinata doesn't look any better except his face has mud all over his right side and his white sweater is ruined. I watch as Kageyama comes closer to me and surprisingly gives me a hand. He has finally warmed up to me but he's still just a big arrogant idiot. I look at it and then smile a toothy mischievous grin.

"Do it Katrina," Hinata urges as he creeps toward me and the tall boy. I take Kageyama's hand and then without warning pull him onto the ground. He falls on his hands and knees trying to save himself from the mud for the most part.

"What the hell was that for?" Kageyama yells as his white sweater comes dangerously close to the mud.

I feel bad but then I remember that that's what bleach was made for. Kageyama looks at his hands and makes a disgusted face and for a moment I think he might puke. But nothing comes up as Hinata jumps on his back and smears his dirty hands across the white sweater. Kageyama's face was priceless: something between sheer horror and a fainting face. Then he collapses into the ground and I think for a second he actually might have died. Hinata rolls off of him and blanches at me.

"Kageyama, don't tell me you had a heart attack. We can fix the shirt, all we need is a little bleach and it'll—"

I don't even get to finish because a large hand is suddenly smearing mud all along my face and the second hand is plopping some of it into my hair. I scream. Not the girly scream and not even a horror move scream, it's a war cry. Kageyama looks at me with a blank face and I merely push his head into the mud as he struggles. I rub some into his hair and am debating whether I should drown him in the liquid dirt—or would it be suffocate, my voice asks.

"Eww," Hinata giggles and I look at him, releasing Kageyama. I smile an evil smile and the small boy tries to get up to run away. I grab his ankle and soon enough mud faced Kageyama is pulling his arm down. As Hinata falls, I grab a chunk of mud and smear it all over his back. Kageyama again goes for the hair—a cheap shot in my opinion.

It turns into a free for all, I finding that I can throw some mud under their shirts and watch them squirm. They grab my hair and drag my long braid through the mud. Kageyama gives a rare smile that I only witnessed once in the week when he discovered I had some change for milk from the vending machine one night. Hinata is screaming now as I throw another lump of mud into his shirt and I'm laughing as I slip and fall onto my back, my slippery hair tripping me up.

"Okay, okay, I call a truce," I yell as I am about to pelted with mud from both boys.

I put my hands up and they drop the mud to my side, collapsing into the ground on each side next to me. We couldn't get any dirtier. My tights were only holding in the mud and I was almost as soaked as I was this morning. I wipe my face but only manage to smear it more with mud.

I look at the clouds and then can hear Kageyama give out a groan as he tries to clean himself. I belt out into voracious laughter and am joined by Hinata. Kageyama doesn't actually laugh but his chest rises and falls with what I would assume was his version of laughter.

"You two are the most disgusting idiots I have ever met," Kageyama says after we all turn quiet.

"But you're pretty much an idiot who is a dirty as us too," I argue and I can hear him 'tsk'. "I can fix your white shirt. Just a little bleach after I rinse it with cold water, and tada, it'll be sparkling."

"Can you really do that Katrina?" Hinata asks. I turn my head to him and see his face bright with wondrous eyes staring at me. I lay my head lower into the mud and know I'm going to have mud in my hair for days.

"Yah. I did the laundry at the," my voice fades when I realize the ending would have been psyche ward. I turn back to the sky and mutter, "yah, I just know laundry."

"Katrina, why aren't you on the girl's team?" Kageyama asks quietly, his voice curious.

"Why do you not like to be called king?" I ask with a harsh voice, Kageyama hitting a sore spot. I can feel Kageyama stiffen next to me but I sigh, not wanting to ruin the mood. "Sorry, I don't like to talk about it."

The silence falls over us and I watch the clouds float by. I wouldn't have believed that I could see the clouds from outside the clinic for another couple of years. Doctor Suoh really surprised me when he asked if I wanted to leave. I tried my best to pass all of the psyche tests and learned how to live by myself.

They taught me to pay rent and clean and create homemade meals. They let me do laundry, stitch clothes back together, sometimes iron the doctor's jackets. So I learned how to take care of myself. Though my parents wanted me to live with them, providing every little thing for me, I wanted to do it by myself and now I am.

"Hinata," Kageyama says, breaking the silence once again. "What did you do to train?"

"Well, a lot of things," Hinata says quietly. I look at the ginger and see he's embarrassed. "I trained with the old ladies and the girl's team. I would run every day and I would spike a hundred times against a wall. I tried so hard."

"Well you didn't do too badly considering you were on your own," I offer to Hinata.

"But I think this week, was the best week I've ever had. Thank you Katrina," he says, a little embarrassed with red ears through the mud.

I watch him turn to me and he gives me such a wide smile that I am filled with shock. His eyes closed as he smiles even harder and for the first time I feel alive while not playing. The feeling of being alive, of being the closest to the old me, fills my body. And for a second I think it's because I am in love with Hinata but when I turn to Kageyama I know it's different.

"Thanks," the dark-haired boy says, his face brown with mud.

I smile at both of them and can feel my eyes somehow filling with tears. Not wanting them to see them, I look up to the sky. I'm happy because they have gotten better. I'm happy because I know that I am the reason that they have grown. Even though it wasn't me that was playing, just the act of teaching filled me with life.

"No problem guys. I missed it," I tell them, squeezing my eyes to push back the tears.

"Why haven't you been playing then?" Kageyama asks, pushing me to tell him my life story.

I consider telling them about being the best in Germany. I consider telling him that I have grown up with a volleyball in my hands and jerseys in my closet. But with that comes the questions of what happened to the two years that I have lost. The two years that belongs to the voices and scars and pills. I can't tell them yet and doubt that I will be able to tell them this year.

"I just couldn't, I just can't. Please don't make me talk about it," I plead with the boy. He doesn't say more about it but I know that both he and Hinata are dying to know. But they respect my wishes and don't ask about it again.

After a few minutes of sitting in silence, I get up and look at myself. I am covered head to toe in mud and my long hair is caked with the stuff. The boys don't look any better, their hair being dyed with the mud and their faces are brown. I put my hands out to both of them and they gratefully take it, pulling themselves up.

"You guys look funny," Hinata says as he looks to me and Kageyama. I shake my head and then look at both of their white sweaters.

"Give me your sweaters, I can wash it with my stuff," I instruct and they look at me with doubtful faces. "Come on, I have to get home and do all my laundry for the week anyway."

"My mom can just do it," Kageyama mutters, looking away in slight embarrassment.

"And tell her what?" I say with a doubtful look. "My friends and I had a mud fight and my white sweater just so happened to be caught in the action. She's going to **die** when she sees your sweater. It's better if you give it to me and not be grounded indefinitely."

Hinata looks at Kageyama with a scared look. His mom would probably kill him with his sweater like that. The short boy takes off his sweater quickly revealing a black shirt. He hands it to me and I take it in my dirty arms. I look at Kageyama and raise an eyebrow. When he doesn't move and folds his arms over his chest, I turn around. Well it's less laundry for us, my voice says.

"Please don't destroy my sweater," Kageyama says at my back as a heavy mud sweater hits my back. I grab it before it falls and put it with Hinata's smaller one. Taking a glance around to Kageyama I can see he's still a little angry about the whole mud ordeal in general.

"Don't worry about it. I'll see you guys tomorrow at ten. Your sweaters will be better than ever!"

On the way home, the mud on my body dries and begins to flake off. The sweaters are merely in the basket in the back of my bike while I have my satchel at my side. People stare at me with both shock and disgust but I glare as usual. I can only imagine what I look like. A mother's nightmare is what Doctor Suoh might call me.

At this point I feel like I'm getting too close to these boys too quickly. Then I remind myself that they know nothing about me and I know nothing about them. As long as I learn if they can handle learning who I am, what I am, I can still be friends with them. But if they seem like they won't be able to handle it, I have to cut my losses.

When I get to my house, I strip all of my clothes in the doorway. I really hope Doctor Suoh isn't here. Putting the clothes into the bathroom sink, I try to get all the mud out of the fabric. After I get most of that out, I drop them into the washer and put a mixture of bleach, soap, and some lemon juice.

Then I have to actually call to take my shower. I have no doubt Doctor Suoh monitors the water usage. So I take my hair of its braid, mud dropping onto the floor and I hurry to put my hair in the sink. God this was a great idea but was a terrible actual event. I call Doctor Suoh and he answers on the second ring.

"Are you okay?" he says with a hysterical voice.

"I need to take a shower. I'm muddy," I tell him as I start the water and get in.

"Muddy? Did you fall off your damn bike? Did you break your arm?" the man asks rapid fire. I groan and watch the water turn brown.

"No my arms are still intact and I did not fall off of my bike. I just got muddy," I argue and I can hear his disbelief in a groan.

"Alright then," he says quietly, trying to make sense of why I would be muddy.

The water turns from dark brown to light brown and then finally clear. My face no longer has cracks of my mud mask. I even had mud under my arm pits and it was absolutely disgusting. I hope I don't mess up the boy's sweaters for tomorrow, knowing that they were probably worse in the shower, having lost the mud battle. Working soap into my hair, I remember about my gym stuff for tomorrow and realize that it wasn't in my apartment like Doctor Suoh promised.

"Did you pick up all of my stuff? You said you would have it in by Friday. Did you find it all?" I ask Doctor Suoh and it's quiet for a heartbeat.

"Yah, I can bring all of it to you tomorrow afternoon," he replies and my hands freeze. I scrub faster after I realize that he just said afternoon.

"No, I need them before the match. They need to be here before ten," I scream in my empty apartment. Turning off the water, I grab a towel.

"Match? You're competing?"

"No. I just, I just helped coach some kids and we're doing a little practice match. I'm not competing," I say quickly, letting the cat out of the gym bag.

"So you're going to your school tomorrow?"

"Yes, the match is tomorrow and—"

"And you said ten?"

"Yes but—"

"I'll bring them to you tomorrow at school then," he says and then asks quickly "Are you done?"

"Yes—"

"See you tomorrow then."

And then there was silence. And I didn't even know what to think.

* * *

I got to the gym early—possibly too early. But for one, I wanted to give the boys back their now beautiful white sweaters before anyone saw and for two, I hoped that Doctor Suoh would be early. Neither thing has happened and it was already twenty minutes to ten. I sat with my back against the gym doors and pulled the strings of my laces.

The wooden frame next to me housed some the boy's court shoes and I yearned for the feeling of gripping to the gym floor. I had some old runners in my bag but I would have to buy court shoes when I went out. At least I found my favorite red shorts and black t-shirt which is hidden under a Karasuno high school white sweatshirt similar to what the boys wear. The last thing I would want would be for them to see my scars.

"Hello?" a kind voice says and I immediately jump. Looking upwards, I find the silver-haired boy and the tall brunette.

"I'm sorry. I'll move," I say quickly and get up but the boy puts up his hands. My heart starts to race with their kind smiles and their tall forms. God, I feel like I'm trying to pass a test. I shouldn't have psyched myself out.

"You aren't in the way. I thought you might show up today," he says and I notice the mole under his eye as he smiles. "Did you come to watch?"

"Well," I say and something about the boy makes me want to say everything. He's just a comforting person. "I was helping Hinata and Kageyama and they mentioned a match. So I thought hey, I might as well see what all my hard work was for but then I was wondering if they would need another person for a three on three or a four on four. I just really want to, just, see the gym. I, I don't know if I can go in yet though."

"Go in?" the brunette says and I notice he's bulky—probably a third year.

"Yah," I sigh and then continue my rant. "I have this mental block. It's just been a long time and I don't even know why I thought I would be able to play. I mean, I can't even look at it yet. And I don't have my stuff because Suoh is late and I'm freaking out. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, it's okay," the silver-haired boy says and then extends his hand. "We can start with introductions. I'm Koshi Sugawara."

I shake his hand and notice that his finger tips are rough. Then I look to the other boy. He extends his hand also and I notice his palm is broken and calloused. He works hard. Judging by their ease and the hands I would say I have met the setter and wing spiker who's the captain. But I already know this from seeing them in the gym and the way they played.

"Daichi Sawamura," the brunette says as he releases my hand.

"Katrina Hitz," I reply and take a breath for a second. I need to level myself. There's no reason to get so stressed. I just have to get the Doc out of here when he comes.

"Well Hitz-chan, when you stuff gets here, we'll see if you can play in a game," Sugawara says and I give him a large grateful smile. He seems a little startled by my happiness but smiles in an almost motherly way a moment later.

"Thank you," I reply and bow quickly to them.

"You don't have to bow," Sawamura says in a flustered tone and when I come back up I give him a bright smile too.

"Thank you."

"Katrina, I'm here," a voice bellows and I freeze in place. Looking around the boys I see Doctor Suoh and man is he a weird one.

"Excuse me," I say to the boys and hurriedly go to the big child that is my doctor.

I grab his arm in a rough manner and he starts to yelp. I lead him into the school building and into the locker rooms before he can say anything. When I find that we're both in the girls locker room, I check to see if anyone else is actually here.

"Katrina," the Doctor says exaggerating the last 'na' in my name. "Don't be so rough with me!"

I look to Suoh after my search reveals nothing and notice that some things about him have changed. For instance his hair which was chocolate brown with blonde highlights that actually looked almost natural is now black with strips of burgundy. In addition his glasses have been changed to round frames similar to Harry Potter.

Other than that he remains normal—well, as normal as he could be. He stands at five nine and is lean with porcelain skin. His eyes behind his glasses are a jet black which almost take up the whole ball, leaving little white. His nose is sharp but is slightly crooked from a patient breaking it earlier in the year. He wears his normal jeans and black t-shirt combo with black boots.

"It's a good thing you don't look like a doctor," I remark as I grab the bag in his hands and sit him down.

Taking off my sweatshirt, I rummage through the bag to find white compression sleeves and slip them on. The length of them cover from my wrist to the middle of my bicep, my shirt sleeves making it seem like they're just part of an undershirt.

"Have you taken your pills today?" the man asks as I open up another bag to find my old black kneepads brought back to life. They're smaller than I remember though.

"Of course," I answer as I take off my shoes and socks, while rummaging in the second bag to find new ankle socks and black ankle braces. "Thanks for the new socks, they're the kind I actually like."

"That's great," he says as he claps his hands together.

Then his hands go to the box that he has on his lap; he opens it to reveal new court shoes. They're red and black and I can tell from the look of them that Doctor Suoh didn't hold back when purchasing any of my gear. I am suddenly touched with his kindness and halt my hands as they were wrapping my ankles.

"Doc, you didn't have to," I say happily as I take them out and run my hands along the stitching. I can hear him laugh a deep tone and look at him with a large grin.

"This is special. You deserve to be like you used to be," he replies, knowing me better than myself.

I just nod and then continue wrapping my ankles to hide my scars. When I'm finished I put my kneepads on but leave them at my ankles as I put my converse back on. When all of this is done, I throw the trash into a bin next to the lockers and stuff my new court shoes into my bag, remembering that I have to give the boys their sweaters.

"Thanks Doc. You don't have to stay around," I reply and he shakes his head as my stomach sinks.

"I'm going to see that you go into the gym. That's the hardest part for you," he says in a firm voice. I nod once knowing that he is only trying to be helpful and that even if I scream, I'm not going to get out of it.

Leading the way out of the building and towards the gym I can see Doctor Suoh looking at the halls of my school in wonder. He graduated early at every level, having gotten his medical degree at nineteen. I suppose that's one of the reason that the twenty-five year old acts like a child; he never had a childhood.

When we finally get to the gym it's to my relief that neither the beanstalk and company nor my pupils are on the court. Standing at the door, I can feel Sugawara and Daichi—his last name is too confusing with the other one—staring at me. My hands tremble as I clutch them around the strap of my gym bag. Lifting my right leg, it moves in slow motion over the doorway but I can't seem to let it fall.

You have to go, my voice urges. No you don't, the others say, coming to the surface. They're watching us. We have to go home. They won't accept us. We are trying to protect you. If you step foot in there, there will only be pain. You will only feel like your scars again. You can never regain yourself.

Suddenly I fall forward and am staring at the gym floor in shock. The pain in my side as I landed scares away the voices. I breathe hard as I stare at the wood and wonder just how I got here. I get up slowly and look to Doctor Suoh. He has a mischievous grin on his face and leans on the doorframe lazily.

"You pushed me didn't you?" I ask, not really remembering what happened when the voices were screaming.

"Of course. Now have fun won't you," he says and then comes closer to me. For the first time since I left the clinic he embraces me, pulling me in a warm hug. I put my arms around him, suddenly feeling like the child I still am.

"Thanks," I whisper into his cotton shirt and feel him just hold me tighter. He releases and then pats my cheeks unceremoniously.

"Don't forget your pills. I'll call you tonight to see how it went," he says and I hope it wasn't loud enough for the others to hear. I nod once and the man leaves quickly, the clinic being left unattended by him for too long.

"Was he your brother?" Sugawara asks quietly, probably having come to pick me up from my fall. I look to the boy a few feet away and shake my head.

"You could say that though," I say and make no room for more questions.

The two older boys look at me in confusion and then go back to setting up the net. I merely look at the gym for a second before I hear a ruckus outside. The buzz cut boy comes in and stops in his tracks when he sees me, I merely continue to the door. I go check what it is and see Tsukki and Yamaguchi facing off with Hinata and Kageyama in a stare down. I shake my head with a small smile when no one says anything.

"Well are you girls going to come in here and help set up or are you just going to keep up your gossip talk?" I ask in a teasing tone and see my pupils stiffen with my voice. They turn around to find me still in the doorway and nod in greeting while entering the gym.

"Look who showed up," Tsukki says in a teasing tone also. I glare at him ever so slightly as I follow Hinata and Kageyama in. The beanstalk follows closely after me and I know he's not done. I turn around to confront him a moment later in the middle of the gym. "Come to cheer them on? Or are you here to finish what you started the other day?"

"Tsk," I click as I glare at the boy. I can tell that the whole gym is watching us and I just give him a wide and slightly maniac smile. "I'm not sure you're prepared to have me finish you."

Then we both end up glaring at one another until Daichi comes up next to us. He gives us a hard look and I turn away from the challenge. I look at Daichi and notice that he is interested in what I mean and I'm sure everyone wants to see me finish someone off.

Going to where Kageyama and Hinata are watching, I drop my bag and slide down the wall as three other boys file in: a shaggy brunette, a beige messy haired boy and a black haired shorter boy. Opening my bag, I find my shoes and take out the boys sweaters, silently handing them their clothing.

"Whoa, you're amazing Katrina," Hinata exclaims and I give him a small smile. Kageyama nods also, not really saying anything. He probably still holds me accountable.

"Hurry up and stretch," I tell them as they change into their sweaters and shorts, taking off their track gear.

I sit silently as I watch everyone congregate to one another and start to stretch. I'm too focused with analyzing each player that I don't even hear Daichi come up to where I remain—not wanting to stretch with not being told I can actually play. It would be rude of me and an insult to the captain.

"Hitz-chan?" Daichi says and I jump in my place. I look up quickly and nod once. "Do you want to play?"

"Please," I exclaim as I watch his eyes crinkle in a smile. He seems to want to know what I can do.

"We were originally going to have the first years play each other and add myself and Tanaka but if you wish to be on Kageyama and Hinata's team, I'll allow it," he tells me and I can feel my face fit into a concerned look.

"I don't want to take anyone's place. If he wants to play, it's his right. I'm only a guest," I express to Daichi and he's shocked with my words. He probably didn't even consider this Tanaka guy.

"Tanaka, come here," Daichi calls out and I watch the shaven head kid come to us. I nervously fidget as I get up and lean against the wall. "Are you willing to let Katrina play with Hinata and Kageyama?"

For a moment I look down because I don't want to make the boy nervous. I also don't want to guilt him into letting me play. But when I feel Daichi staring at me, I lift my head slightly to see Tanaka giving me a proud smile.

"I'll be happy to let her play. I have a hunch she's going to kick butt," he says and then flashes me a bright smile. My eyes widen and I see another girl enter the gym. Tanaka sees her also and then runs to her.

"There you have it," Daichi says triumphantly. "Stretch and put on your court shoes."

"Yes captain!" I say and bow to him. I come back up a moment later to see a confused face.

"How did you know I was captain?" he asks and I just give a shy smile.

"I know a lot of things," I reply. Daichi nods; a confused smile still on his face, as he walks away.

I quickly change into my court shoes and find them uncomfortably new. Bending them a little as I stand on my tip toes, I stretch out my arms. I go to the middle of the court with everyone else and am quiet as I stretch my legs and put my kneepads on. They're also uncomfortably new and I quickly try to break them in by mashing them. When it comes time to start the match, I notice Kageyama is oddly nervous. I didn't figure him for the nervous type.

"All right let's get started," Daichi says while he stands next to Tsukki and Yamaguchi. "Katrina is going to be with Kageyama and Hinata and I'll be on Tsukishima and Yamaguchi's team."

"What? You captain?" Hinata yells and I shake my head as I crack my back. It gives an ugly sound and Kageyama looks at me with a disgusted face. I stick my tongue out and then pull my braid forward, wondering if I should have put it into a bun.

"Hey, what am I? Chopped liver?" I ask Hinata jokingly.

"No, I didn't mean it like that," Hinata tries to recover and I can see Daichi realize that they don't really know everything about me.

"You'll be fine," he replies and I can see Tsukki readying verbal punches.

"Who shall I take down first, the short shrimp or the cheerleader?" he asks and I feel my stomach get fired up. Looking at Hinata he's getting pissed. It's all a rouse though and I'll make sure that he gets I'm not biting. "Oh, I would like to see the King lose too."

"Tsukki," Yamaguchi says in a lower voice to the blonde. "They can hear you."

"He knows," I interrupt the boy as I pick at the end of my braid, staring at the one split end I have. "He's trying to get us to lose our cool. The cowards way of winning if you ask me, though losing your cool isn't very heroic either."

I look up with a death glare and find that even Daichi has shifted into a defensive stance. I cock my head and give them a tight lipped smile that falls off a moment later. I turn to my two teammates, who are giving glares at our opponents. Smirking at them, I gather them into a huddle.

"What's the plan?" Hinata asks in an excited voice. I look at Kageyama and he seems more nervous with the mention of the word King. How did I calm my team down? You hit them, my voice replies. I lightly punch him and shake my head.

"Ignore them. They're going to be spitting insults more than baseball players can spit seeds. I can tell you what, I can't spike very well but I can make dumps and find the holes. Hinata is going to have to be your go to person. You're going to have to trust me that even if Hinata gets blocked, I'll have the ball up again." Kageyama just glares but I can see him already working a plan into his head. I turn to Hinata. "You have to not get discouraged. You're going to get blocked. It's inevitable but we'll keep going and going. As long as Kageyama tosses, I want you somewhere even if it's faking and I'm dumping."

"I will spike every ball," Hinata exclaims and I can see Kageyama's eyes widen. Something happened that made him believe he wouldn't have someone to toss to. I can see it in his eyes.

"I'll get the blocks, so don't worry about being blocked. Watch where their hands are, even if you tip it over. A point is a point no matter if you mess up and hit it by a fluke or if you get a spike. Hinata, you're going to serve first then Kageyama and I'll be last," I continue on with my plan. I thought about how we would do this all day yesterday.

"Okay," Hinata says in a happy and determined voice.

"Right," Kageyama agrees and I smile a wide smile.

"Let's win this match." I turn to find the other team ready and I take a deep breath. I can feel it: my energy, my life, myself.

The ball comes to our side and I can see that Daichi is going to let us serve first. It's a relief and I give the ball to Hinata who is bouncing with excitement. I smile and then squeak my shoes as I rub them against the floor. I bend my legs and get into position in the middle of our side. The girl blows the whistle and I can feel the electricity in the air. I hear the slap of the ball and watch as it goes to the other side.

Daichi receives it easily and I watch Hinata go to the front of the net to be ready to block. Tsukki is surprisingly the one who sets the ball to Yamaguchi and I watch as he tenses up with Hinata jumping. The spike comes to the back, having barely avoided the short boy's hands. It's not hard and I give a perfect receive to Kageyama.

"Back row," I yell and can feel Kageyama notice me.

I may not be able to spike from where Hinata spikes. Or I may not be able to spike like other players but I make it work. I'm too short and can't jump like him. What made me famous as a libero was that I could do back row attacks with the ball being lower than the top of the net.

As a rule a libero isn't allowed to attack unless the ball is lower than the net when I hit it. But since I never grew and I don't jump very high, I can do that. I would have also been the best server but when I took on a libero position, I could no longer serve in games. But that didn't stop me from practicing.

Back in real time, I watch the ball be set to me. Making sure I was behind the ten foot line, I take two steps and then see the sweet spot. I can also see Tsukishima blocking me down the middle but know that that's exactly where I want him. I jump and make contact the ball, putting a slight spin to it.

It rushes towards Tsukishima as it brushes the side of his hand and then flies sideways, something a normal spike wouldn't have done. The sound of the ball hitting the floor is heard a second later followed by dead silence. I smile and watch Tsukki's face cringe with the point lost. In the silence I regain myself.

"I thought you were a libero," Kageyama asks, breaking the silence in the gym. They have no idea what they got themselves into when they let me play. I'm not even my whole self again and I'm already scaring them.

"I'm a lot of things."

* * *

 **Hey everybody. Hope you like the chapter. Mud fight inspired by my sister throwing mud at me. Let's just say, it was not fun.**

 **As always, follow, fave, review, obsess. Loves yous guys.**


	5. The Price of Living

**Chapter Five: The Price of Living**

* * *

" **To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."**

― **Oscar Wilde**

" **I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."**

― **Douglas Adams,** _ **The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul**_

" **Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You."**

― **Dr. Seuss,** _ **Happy Birthday to You!**_

* * *

"Can we move on?" I ask a little sheepishly after a full minute of staring at me. Daichi nods on the other side of the court and rolls the ball to Hinata. The orange-haired boy gives me a bright smile and I get down. "Give them a good serve Hinata."

The whistle rings out and Hinata hits the ball over the net. Yamaguchi receives and Daichi sets it to Tsukishima. Hinata jumps to block but it is late. The ball flies to our side and I watch as it is heading to my left. Three steps and a quarter turn will make a good receive. Doing exactly what I thought, I send the ball to Kageyama.

"Mine," Hinata yells and I set up for the block. Kageyama sends it to Hinata and he's blocked. The ball flies to my right and I dive for it, getting it back to Kageyama.

"Give," I say quietly but know Kageyama heard me.

Tsukishima sets himself up for another hit from Hinata but Kageyama sets it to me. Looking at their set up, I set the ball to the other side, behind Yamaguchi but too far for Daichi. The two boys run into each other and the ball falls to the floor.

"Whoa, I spiked the ball!" Hinata yells and looks at his palm. I smile at him and then nod at Kageyama.

Hinata gets over it a moment later and goes to serve the ball. Whistles blow and the ball flies too close to the net for my comfort but makes it to the other side. The play goes through and Tsukki stares at me as he spikes. I smirk as the spike comes to me and I receive the hard ball. I can feel myself take a step back with the impact but the ball goes to Kageyama.

I take the steps to spike the ball but Kageyama seemingly reads my mind. As I jump and Tsukki jumps with me, Hinata spikes the ball freely, Yamaguchi not being a strong enough receiver. Another point for us and the score stands at 3-0. I smirk at Tsukki and can see him readying verbal punches. He turns to Kageyama and I glare at him, knowing he's going to attack our central power.

"One more Hinata," I tell the boy as the ball rolls back to us. Hinata nods and I look at Kageyama cocking my head to the small boy. Kageyama gives a small nod that is almost imperceptible but from working with them for a week, I can tell he understands.

Hinata serves, there's a receive and then Yamaguchi tries to spike the ball. I receive the free ball that touched Hinata's hands, and give it to Kageyama. He sets to Hinata who is glowing with excitement. Hinata is blocked by Tsukishima and I watch the ball get blocked out of bounds. Good thing it was there but bad thing for Hinata's confidence.

"I really was surprised about you," Tsukishima tells Hinata with an arrogant smile. "If you were 30 centimeters taller, you would be have been a superstar."

Hinata glares and clenches his teeth and I put a hand on his shoulder. When he turns to me to and I nod. He looks at Kageyama and the tall boy nods. We score three more points by planned moves and Kageyama's observations of who would be the best for a hit. Hinata scores only because I serve as a decoy and it blows the other player's mind. They get across two balls, having been touched by the block but I was able to get them. But looking at Daichi I know he's holding back.

"They have amazing coordination for new players. They can communicate with just nods and glares. As it is, Katrina has shut down every spike that has come to her," Sugawara mutters to Tanaka.

I look at them and then catch the ball that is rolling on the floor. Giving it to Hinata, I can see the discouraged look leave him. That is until he misses the serve and Kageyama looks like he's going to kill the boy. I put up my hands to stop the tall boy's path to the other short one.

"He had to miss sooner or later. We already have a lead, we'll get it back right now. Just keep up the good work," I encourage and Kageyama only 'tsks'. "Don't give me that!"

"Sorry guys," Hinata apologizes and I glare at Kageyama.

"Don't let it happen again. The ball is coming to you," Kageyama says gruffly and then goes to the net. It's the best that I'm going to get out of him. He doesn't really understand encouragement.

"You're in the back now Hinata, receive well. After we get it to the other side, I'll take the back again," I say as I head up to the net with Kageyama. I hate not playing in the back for the receives. But I have to be up here because of the rotation.

Tsukki twirls the ball and I can see him smirk when he sees the short boy in in the back. After the whistle, he serves the ball hard and Kageyama has to run to get what Hinata threw up. The boy bumps it to me and I analyze what I can do. Yamaguchi comes up and blocks and I merely set right to his hands, just like a pass to me.

The ball comes back and I get under it, giving Kageyama a perfect pass. I ready myself for another spike but can feel Hinata come from the back. Yamaguchi doesn't know where to go. I smile at him as I begin my two step spike. Yamaguchi gets flustered and blocks me as Kageyama dumps the ball on the other side.

"A dump? How unoriginal," Tsukki remarks. I look to the score of 8-1. "You should try the King's toss for a change. The toss that decimates his enemies and his teammates."

"That's it," I scream at Tsukishima as I see Kageyama flinch with his words. "What is this king's toss? Why is Kageyama King? How did he mess up? Get it out of your system so I don't have to hear you whine about it anymore."

"Oh, so you don't know?" Tsukishima says and Hinata comes to my side.

"I thought it was a cool nickname he got because he is the best on the court," Hinata says and I had thought that until I saw how Kageyama hates it. Kageyama looks at me and his eyes are panicked. I smile a reassuring smile at him but he just looks down with humiliation.

"You might have thought that but his nickname of 'King of the Court' was given to him by his old teammates. What it means is that he's an egocentric king, an oppressive dictator that he doesn't think about the well-being of his people. I heard rumors but in that match last year, I saw it was true. He got too oppressive and was forced to the bench."

So that's what happened. They stopped following him. He tossed and they no longer wanted to be led by him. They abandoned him and now he doesn't trust himself to have his teammates following him. The arrogant boy learned that he couldn't win everything if your teammates weren't willing to follow you into realms that you don't even understand.

"His team abandoned him," I whisper as I look at Kageyama. His fists are clenched, no doubt reliving the memories. But now is different. He will always have me.

"Do you not do your quick tosses because of that match or because you lost your nerve?" Tsukki says and I am about to kill him.

"It's true. I tossed and no one was there. It was truly the most frightening thing I have ever experienced," he says and I hope he doesn't start crying. I normally don't deal with the tears on the team.

"But that was in junior high. Today is different. You have Katrina and you have me. I will hit every ball you toss, no matter what. You toss just fine," Hinata says, having missed the whole scary part of Kageyama's confession.

I start to laugh at him and figure that Kageyama has to take the first step to recovery. He has to enter the gym. His fears are similar to mine but I am going to have to be the person that pushes him, while Hinata is the person that he will have on the other side. Together I think we can heal each other.

"We're going to beat them. You can count on it and you will be setter and will toss to me. We're going to win, so toss to me," Hinata proclaims and I just laugh again. He's so special. A little bit of an airhead but he is going to help Kageyama.

"Come here guys, I have a plan," I announce as I walk to the back line, giving Tsukki a dirty look. Both boys look at me and then we huddle up. "Kageyama, you're going to do your quick toss. We have enough of a lead that you can try to see if Hinata can match you. But if we don't get speed behind Hinata's spike, his jump won't do anything. We've gotten by this long because of our fluidity and my keeping the ball up. We need to try something new."

"But it's impossible, we haven't coordinated," he argues and Hinata blanches.

"And neither have the three of us and look at how we're doing," I argue back and he just huffs. "Hinata has the speed and if you plan it right, you can just give it to him like setters do."

"That's your plan?" Hinata asks and I give them a shrug and a smile.

"I don't know setter stuff. That's his job. I'm the libero remember," I reply to Hinata and I can see Kageyama thinking about my words. "Just be really fast or something for the quick attacks. That's why it's called a quick."

"Alright," Hinata replies, seemingly understanding what I just said. But in all reality I don't think he understood a word. I don't even think I understood myself. You were confusing, my voice jokes.

We break from our huddle and Kageyama is given the ball to serve. I stand at the net staring at Tsukishima with disgust. He just stares back from the other side of the net and I wish that the flimsy thing wasn't between us so I could kick his butt. But it is and the ball falls into play and Kageyama's hard serve is received by Daichi. He's going to be a problem. He sees that he needs to take more initiative on his team and his real skills are coming out.

I take up my position in the back and watch as a spike from the captain hits Hinata's hands and then bounces to their side out of bounds. It's something he couldn't control but I smile at Hinata, making sure that he isn't getting discouraged. I pat his back and ready myself from Yamaguchi's serve. I don't get the chance to actually play the ball because it flies into the net. The ball rolls to me, and it's my serve.

"Do your cool serve Katrina," Hinata yells and I shake my head.

"It's not ready. I haven't practiced it enough," I reply. He deflates and then I just laugh. "You do your spike. It'll be fun."

He nods and jumps up and down as I go to the line. My serves won't be as hard but I can control them. I also don't have the practice in for me to do a jump serve. Going to the back line, I see Tsukki standing in the middle, ready for me. I nod and the whistle blows. I hit the ball from a standing position and watch it float slightly, confusing the tall blonde. There's a bad pass and they're forced to bump it over.

I set it up for the two boys and then run as a decoy to the middle. But what freaks me out is that Hinata is to my right and he is flying in the air already. Kageyama gives it to him and Hinata spikes it weakly across the net, giving us another point as the ball hits the floor. Hinata yells and I look at Kageyama with a half-smile. He only looks at me worriedly.

"You taught them to do quicks?" I can hear Tanaka scream and I just shrug and shake my head. The boy looks stunned with my answer.

"You are a reckless team," Tsukki tells us and I can see Hinata stiffen as the blonde turns on him. "But some of you just aren't cut out to be spikers."

Oh my god. Oh my god. Fight him, voice screams. I every intention of that and I am walking to where I can pulverize the blonde but Kageyama just grabs my braid. I glare at him but he watches Hinata. He wants to see if he will break. I hope he doesn't because I can't do everything by myself.

"I know," Hinata starts and his broken voice hurts my heart. "Height is needed in volleyball and since Junior High all I've ever seen is a tall wall in front of me. But I want to be like that, I want to win and win with this body, and stand on the court for as long as I can."

I can feel my eyes widen and I am so proud of the small child. Kageyama holds my hair tighter and in know that's what he wants too. That's what the three of us want. We just want to be able to stay on this court for as long as we can.

But at the same time, I know that I can't stand on the court with them and I can't stand on the court that I am able to with the girls. They're forbidden to me, ripped from my clutches long ago. I can't be like them and yet, I yearn for the feeling of living.

"But you can't win with feelings. If you were a libero like your cheerleader, things would be different but just because you want it, doesn't mean that you will win," Tsukki says and I shake my head. The boy has a lot to learn.

"The job of breaking the wall is the setter's responsibility," Kageyama replies and stands next to Hinata.

"And it is my job to allow them to hit that wall as many times as they want," I say haughtily.

Everyone's eyes are on us and I know that everyone is surprised by our words, mostly Kageyama but isn't just arrogant. He believes he has to do everything because he doesn't believe he can trust anyone. But now he can. As long as he has Hinata, he always has someone to toss to, even if everyone else abandons him.

"I think I understand what you were telling us," the setter says to me. I look up at him and nod. I think he figured it out.

"Give me the ball to serve," I announce as I walk to the back line.

The ball flies in front of me and I bounce it into the floor. Turning around, I serve after the whistle, Tsukishima once again not able to get it up properly. When Yamaguchi bumps it back over the net, I set it up for the boys but I get the feeling I won't need to follow. But that was a little wrong because Kageyama gives Hinata too quick of a toss and I run but it's already dead.

"You have to be faster," Kageyama starts to chide Hinata but closes his mouth when he realizes that it isn't right.

We continue to play and Hinata can't get it right with Kageyama. I save some balls from just being fast and reading the hit but I'm starting to die. I haven't played this much in years and my legs tremble as I stop to get into position. We lost another point and now the score is closer, we're leading 20-18. But they're getting discouraged. I have to come up with something. Hinata has to be faster than Tsukki.

"Don't worry about it, you need to be faster with no blockers and Kageyama will give it to you correctly. Trust him like your eyes were closed and you're falling backwards," I tell Hinata as he looks at me with a disappointed look. I don't even understand what I just said. Kageyama looks slightly angry but I shake my head at him. "They have to be that fast, you're doing nothing wrong. Just breathe and concentrate."

We get ready for the serve and Hinata is in the back this time, receiving the captain's ball. He gets it up nicely, my training paying off. I go to the middle to be the decoy once again. Hinata runs quickly—flying in the air—to where there are no blockers and I watch in wonder as Kageyama gives him a perfect toss and Hinata slams it into the wood of the court. I feel alive.

Hinata looks at his hand in disbelief and I jump to him and mess his sweaty hair up. He presses his hand into my face and I can see it red with the impact. I laugh as he presses his hand into his face and makes noises of wonder. I look at Kageyama and he's just analyzing us. But then he gives a soft smile and I know he's happy and proud.

"Hinata's eyes were just closed," Daichi screams and looks at the ginger. My eyes turn wide and I grab Hinata's face into my hands, squeezing his cheeks.

"Your eyes were closed?" I ask slowly and feel him nod his head. I look at Kageyama and he's stunned. "Why were they closed?"

"You told me to trust him. So I did like you said and I closed them; it's hard for me to hit it when my eyes are open," he replies and I release him going to the wall of the gym. I hit my head a couple of times to let it sink in that I can't tell them anything literally.

"Katrina, come on!" Kageyama screams at me after I zone out for a couple of minutes. I'm getting too tired.

"I'm coming!" I yell back as I push myself off the wall and walk slowly to the court. My legs are like jelly.

I push through the pain and soon enough we win the first set. Kageyama and Hinata's weird quick was getting better and more accurate with each try leading up to our win. Between the set, I sat down and massaged my legs. They can't get too tense or else they'll cramp up. No one really noticed except Daichi. But he didn't say anything after I give him a harsh glare.

We start the second set and we're leading again thanks to Hinata's spikes. I made a few more back row hits but in my condition, I couldn't follow the ball as quickly as I should. Thankfully nothing was really too difficult for me to get under. But after the second set was getting close—18-13 us—Tsukishima decided it was my turn to be put under the microscope.

"Hey cheerleader, why aren't you on the girl's team? You obviously could help them," he asks and I can feel myself stiffen. I look at him from the other side of the net and then turn away, readying myself for their serve.

Hinata gets it up and he and Kageyama don't do their quick correctly, the ball falling out of bounds on the other side. Once again, I am at the net with Tsukki and I avoid eye contact. I don't want him to ask about it.

"Were you a player in your old school?" He asks and I don't answer. "I'll take that as a no. Why weren't you? You're good. Are you scared to play with people watching?"

My blood turns cold as he hits my sore spot and I look to Hinata for help. He doesn't see my need and we go through another point lost. We now lead by three and I'm starting to feel the voices coming into my brain, my fatigue and Tsukki releasing them. They're licking at the sides of my sanity and I struggle not to scream at them or run out of the building.

"Something must have happened to you. Did you get hurt? Or was it that like the king, your team abandoned you because you got too strong," Tsukishima says loudly and this time I turn and glare at him.

"They abandoned me because I was weak," I reply with venom and watch his eyes sharpen with my information.

We finally get a point back and it's Kageyama's turn to serve, me still at the net with the blonde. But Kageyama doesn't serve as I expected him to because Tsukki is holding the ball and not letting us more forward. He's going to force me to talk about it. But I can't. I'm too tired and the voices are coming up with the fear.

"So you were weak? Did you get hurt? Was it your fault that you became weak? Or was it because someone else made you weak?" He muses as his eyes turn a darker brown with malice. He's angry at me for shutting him down. You can't let him get to you, my voice urges, but I can't hear it.

"I don't want to talk about it," I reply, my voice small and I bite my lip to keep myself from being swallowed up.

"You don't want to or you can't? Just like how you had to be pushed to even get into this gym," he hisses and I take a step back, feeling like was punched in the gut. I look at Daichi and he has a guilty frown; he was the one that told them between the sets.

"Stop talking about it," I hiss back and take the ball from his hands. I toss it to Kageyama and the boy looks worried. I just want the match to finish. "Hurry up and let's finish these guys."

But we don't get to finish them yet because Kageyama serves out of bounds, his mind being blown with me losing my composure. I am the glue that holds this team together and the glue is running, having gotten too soft. I switch to the back of the court and am ready to receive Tsukishima's serve. Though when he is going to hit the ball, the voices start to scream.

You can't do this. Why do you even try? The blonde boy is right, you are weak. Everyone will abandon you. Only we can protect you. Only we can shield you from them. They are watching and we need to get home. We need to not take the vile pills that leave us vulnerable. You are weak and we need to leave.

"Katrina!" a voice screams and I can see again. My teammates surround me and I notice Tsukki doesn't have the ball in his hands. Where did it go?

"Did Tsukki serve?" I ask Kageyama quietly and can see his eyes widen in fear.

I must have zoned out and missed the serve. They're scared something might be wrong with me. There is too much wrong though. My head is filled with voices and my legs are burning with exertion and Tsukki is getting into my head.

"He served and you didn't move," Hinata tells me as he looks at my hands and legs to see if something is wrong. "Your legs are trembling."

"You shouldn't keep playing. Something is wrong," Kageyama tells me firmly but I shake my head.

"I have to finish. You have to let me finish," I plead with him and he looks at me with a worried frown. He looks at the person behind him and I can only think it is Daichi. When he looks back to me he nods once.

"That was freaky," Tsukishima says loudly with a smirk and I snap. I snap in the worst of ways. Pushing the boys around me aside, I march to the net with a death glare.

"I am not a freak," I yell at him and he flinches with my anger. But then his eyes turn cold and he smiles at me.

"I never said you were a freak, you did that yourself," he replies and I boil over.

"Serve so I can finish you," I hiss and the boy chuckles, everyone in the gym suddenly scared. I'm scared too but that's why I'm fighting back. I am not a freak. Yes you are, the voices scream.

I go to the back line and wait for the serve. It isn't anything to worry about and I pass it nicely to Kageyama. The boy gives me my first back row hit of the second set and I spike at Yamaguchi's fingers so hard, it was a miracle I didn't break them. The ball blows past his teammates and soon enough it's my turn to serve. I can see Tsukishima mouth the word freak to me as he gets ready to receive.

"Maybe you shouldn't join the girl's team," he yells and I wait for the whistle.

"Maybe you shouldn't have messed with me!" I yell back and then serve.

But the serve isn't just any serve. It's my jump float serve. And the blonde beanstalk doesn't know what hit him. The ball flies across the net and he doesn't even move when it hits the floor. I motion for the ball to come back to me, having not even stepped in bounds.

The second serve he hits it but it goes awry. The third serve he can't even touch. The fourth serve bounces from his arm and hits the net. And the fifth and last serve, well that serve I made special. My humanity was already gone for all I cared and I wanted to hurt him.

That's why the fifth serve hit him in the chest, hard enough to knock the air out of him and have him fall to the ground. And when we had won and Kageyama and Hinata went to each other with cheers, I went across the net to the beanstalk that was lying on his back, pushing past the captain and Yamaguchi.

"Don't you ever ask me about who I was before ever again! I don't want to talk about it and if I do, I'll tell you myself, so lay off!" I scream into his face as he breathes hard. My vision turned with spots and I know I wasted all of my energy. Daichi looks at me with a harsh look but his face told me that the boy had it coming so he wasn't all that angry.

"Katrina-"

"I'm going to the locker rooms," I interrupt as I try to run off. I get to the door without showing my weakness but it ends there.

My right leg cramps and I nearly fall but brace myself against the gym door. Escaping, I quickly move to the locker rooms. Opening the door, I find no one with me. With the realization that I was alone, I allow myself to fall on the cold tile floor. My legs spasm and I cringe with the pain. I try to breathe but then it catches in my throat and I feel the tears flowing from my eyes.

I'm so broken and I start to wail. This is why I can't play. With only a little smack talk and some questions, already I'm having a nervous breakdown. I'm not in shape to lead a team or even support other girls. Plus the fear of my secrets being revealed drives me into further hysteria. I bite my lip to keep myself from wailing but some sounds escape.

My hands clenched into fists though I doubt I could fight even myself. The tears began to puddle and my shoulder began to feel like it was on fire, having not been worked like this for a long time. For a second I wonder if I can let myself fall apart, allow myself to live in a white walled hospital where no one could hurt me.

I cry harder as I think about going back there. My lip trembles and my legs hurt so badly. The noises that escape my mouth are primal and the voices scream at me. They yell all of my fears at me and I wonder if I can make them go away. Maybe it's time to take my pills or maybe it's time that I take a razor and silence them. It would only be a little cut and they would be quiet.

"NO," I scream as I realize what I was thinking about. I have worked too hard to go back to the way I was.

Clutching my head, I try to think of nothing but when that doesn't work, I just picture colors. Somehow it helps as I begin to think about what colors would make up the German flag or what colors the sky is at sunset or the different colors of the fish in the ocean. Doctor Suoh always said that it was helpful. I think of his hair, colors that he has dyed it previously, colors that he has yet to try.

And slowly but surely I stop crying. The voices sink further and further down as I rock back and forth and I'm left with silence. Taking my hands from my head, I wipe my sweaty and tear ridden face. I look disgustingly at the puddle of tears next to me and pull myself away from it. I'm going to have to take my pills. I'm probably already an hour late with the time.

Sitting in the dark locker room, I listen to the sound of silence. Curling my legs into my chest, I let myself just not think for once. I probably was thinking for too long and everyone got worried about me because they sent someone to check on me and it was probably the worst choice of people.

"Hitz-chan?" the voice of the exact boy that caused my episode calls. "Are you in there?"

I consider not answering him but then I glance at the puddle and think better of it. He'll just make it worse if he sees it. As it is, I'm going to look puffy and red-eyed. So making the decision to put up with him, I pull myself up and walk to the door. My knees lock up painfully and I open the door to the locker room slowly and only a crack.

"What do you want Tsukishima?" I ask sadly and the boy sees me—or rather my very pathetic teary face.

"Come out here," he instructs and I shake my head. "Come here, Captain told me to bring you back."

"I can't go back just yet," I reply but open the door and step into the light. Tsukki looks at me closely and I can feel his eyes widen ever so slightly as he looks at me in the light.

"Were you crying?" he asks and for the first time I hear fear in his voice. I bite my lip and turn away from him.

"It's not your fault," I mutter and then try to walk past him.

All I really accomplish is almost falling to the floor, Tsukki's long arms reacting quickly. He tries to pick me up but I can't move my legs as a cramp comes on and he just gently places me on the dirty school floor. I sit and place my legs in front of me, needing to have them stretched out.

"Why did you push yourself so hard? Why did you keep playing?" he asks in an incredulous tone. I look up at him and give him a small smile that he doesn't know how to react to.

"Because I felt alive. Now get down here and help stretch me back out," I tell him softly.

"Alright," he says as he lowers himself to the floor.

The boy is completely changed from in the gym and I can only think it's because I'm scaring him by being so timid. But the truth is that I can't deal with him making me angry right now. I'm emotionally exhausted.

Tsukki puts his feet to mine and then reaches out for my hands. I give them to him, somehow his long arms making the stretch actually work for me. He pulls me slightly and I bite my lip with my now sore muscles. Tsukki lets me lean back and then pulls me more the second time and I groan softly with the pain.

"You can let me go. Now I just need to sit," I tell him and notice that he holds his white sweater at his side. I put my arm out to it, now shivering with my cold body. "Give me your sweater, I'm cold."

"I'm not giving you my sweater," he says with a glare. I raise one eyebrow and he buckles a moment later. Handing it to me, I put it on and am met with stinky sweat but am warmer. "You're going to wash it when you're done with it."

"I can even take the stain in the sleeve out," I reply and point to the unknown pinkish patch on the left sleeve. Tsukki looks at me with a raised brow. I just smile back at him.

"My mother couldn't even get the stain out," he argues and I can see he's getting over his fear.

"That's because your mother—though an amazing woman—has never had to encounter stains like the ones I have had. I have a magic touch with things like this," I say and when he looks at me like I'm crazy, I laugh.

Slowly I can feel myself returning to normal albeit the voices still lingering in the back of my mind. For a few minutes nothing is said but I can tell Tsukki is going to ask me something. He can't help himself, no one really can. Everyone wants to know each other's secrets but then they judge the person badly when they learn that they don't like the person they really are.

"Why aren't you on the girl's team?" he says quietly and I can see his face is blank. I cock my head give him a slight smile.

"Because I don't like competing."

"Because you don't like being watched by a crowd," he presses on and I shake my head.

"The crowd doesn't bother me, it's the fear. I fear something that I just can't get over," I reply, telling him a little more about me than I have told anyone at this school.

"Like when your brother pushed you in the door," he replies and I can see his mind running a thousand miles an hour. He may be emotionally constipated but something to do with a brother isn't right there. God, my voice comments, you've had so many therapy appointments you're becoming a therapist.

"He wasn't my brother, but yes, something like that," I offer and Tsukki frowns. I wait for the next question knowing what it will be.

"Who was he then? You're boyfriend? Am I going to have to worry about getting beat up because I made you cry?" he asks with frown. I laugh at his concern.

"Suoh? He wouldn't be able to fight you. He broke his nose earlier in the year and was crying more than I do. Then we weren't going to take him all the way into town for a broken nose, so a nurse and I just realigned it there. He hates how it's crooked but he wouldn't stop complaining at the time," I laugh out and watch Tsukki's face turn from surprised to horrified.

"So he's your boyfriend?" he asks in fear, whether of me realigning a person's nose or Suoh coming after him I don't know. I stay quiet for a heartbeat and watch as Tsukki frowns. I consider telling him a lie and going on my merry way but it makes my stomach clench in disgust at the thought. I bite my lip and avoid his gaze.

"He's my Doctor," I say quietly and can feel Tsukki blanch.

"Are you dying? Are you going to die because you pushed yourself too hard? Do I call an ambulance?" he asks rapid fire with a hysterical face. I shake my head at him and he calms slightly.

"I'm not dying," I reassure but can see he doesn't buy it.

"You said you felt alive and that's why you stayed on the court. Don't lie to me about you dying," he says angrily and I can tell that lying isn't something he can take. He has some emotional damage and I'm going to have to fix him too.

"I'm not lying," I say with a stern voice. "I just feel like myself when I'm on the court."

"Then why don't you join the girl's team?" he yells at me and I flinch. Goddamnit, we couldn't just have a nice conversation.

"Because I can't Tsukki! I just can't!" I yell back and frowns even more.

"I don't understand you," he yells and I just shake my head.

"Sometimes I don't either," I say angrily and then get up. Tsukki gets up quickly and I try to stretch my legs out. It helps and I start to walk down the hall. After a couple of steps I have to lean against the wall and brace myself.

"Just give me your arm," Tsukki sighs in disgust and I shoot him a dirty look.

"I am not some nuisance. Go back to the gym and I can make it there by myself," I hiss and the boy shakes his head.

"Not this year you won't. Now just give me your arm," he says angrily and I shake my head. "Damnit Katrina, give me your arm. I don't even know why you pushed yourself so hard."

"Don't you feel it when you're on the court?" I ask him as I slap his hand away. "Don't you feel the pride of getting a serve over or the energy of touching the ball?"

"No. I don't feel that," he replies and I freeze. I look up at him to see him completely serious.

"Then what makes you play?" I ask him in a sad voice.

"I play because I always have."

I stare at him and see that somewhere inside that isn't true but he's telling himself that now. He believes he really doesn't feel the life when he plays. I grab his shirt in anger and the boy is shocked with my actions.

"What's the use in living if you breathe because you always have? You want to take the breath that fills your lungs. Life and things like volleyball can't just be done because you've set a routine for yourself. If you did, you wouldn't have come this far. You like playing but you're scared of something just like me. You fear getting close to the game. Why?" I hiss at him and he flinches. I shake his t-shirt but barely move the large boy.

"I do not—"

"Don't lie to yourself. You're exactly like me. When you start to understand why you can't feel it, you'll find that you'll understand why I don't play. But until then, don't give me a rash of shit because I don't play. You can't be a hypocrite," I tell him and watch as he frowns at me. I can tell he knows what I'm talking about. He just has to figure it out for himself, maybe with a little push from me and the others.

"Give me your arm," he changes the subject and grabs the arm still attached to his shirt.

"I can walk by myself," I say as he drags me along. He gives a snort and I stick my tongue out at him. Walking through the halls, he begins to pull me along. "Can we go slower?"

He slows down slightly and I can see the gym through the doors. There is Daichi standing at the door, glaring at both of us. I can only imagine how we look—like two angry siblings that their mom called down for their chores.

"I need to talk to you Katrina," Daichi says as Tsukki drops me in front of the Captain.

"Good luck," Tsukki says in a teasing voice and stick my tongue out at him again.

But when I look back at the scary face of the Captain, I wonder if I'll get out of this alive.

* * *

 **Hey everybody! Thank you to Dark Marcielago to your review. I normally plan things but this chapter was a roller coaster for me. So, I hope it isn't terrible for everybody. And don't worry, Aone will be appearing more after I establish Katrina's life at Karasuno. Thanks!**

 **As always, follow, fave, review, obsess. Loves yous guys!**


	6. To Be Lonely

**Chapter Six: To Be Lonely**

* * *

" **Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them."**

― **Jodi Picoult,** _ **My Sister's Keeper**_

" **The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly."**

― **F. Scott Fitzgerald,** _ **The Great Gatsby**_

" **And the danger is that in this move toward new horizons and far directions, that I may lose what I have now, and not find anything except loneliness."**

― **Sylvia Plath,** _ **The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath**_

* * *

"Okay, before you kill me or kick me out or break my leg or both legs for that matter, I need to tell you something," I speak quickly to the very scary Captain in front of me. He's definitely going to ask me to leave but at least I'll get this out.

"Uh-"

"So, Kageyama needs to be reassured and needs to gain the trust of the team. For him, being the setter, he learned that he can't do everything on his own but he doesn't believe you guys will trust him. Hinata will help him trust just by the miracle that he wants someone to always toss to him. Hinata has to work on his receive more and you have to get someone to teach him how to do the quick. He can be used as a decoy for you most of the time. His serves are always gonna be a little sad but only because he's short and doesn't have the concentration to hit the ball the exact way for a float or a decent serve. In addition, remind Kageyama that he has to keep his feet planted when he receives. Hinata can't put his hands together when he runs," I say quickly and watch as the Captain's face goes from bad to worse.

"Are you-"

"No, I'm not done," I rant in a small voice. "Tsukki needs to get the fire of devotion or some shit because he only plays because he thinks that's what he's supposed to do. He needs to overcome the fear of getting sucked into the game if he really wants to become strong. Work on his blocking, he'll be really good because he thinks a lot. Yamaguchi is a blank slate. He has no advantages and no bad habits. He is your all-around player. Teach him either float serves or back row attacks. Work on both of their receiving extensively."

"Now are-"

"Not quite. The first years are not going to get along. Hinata gets riled up too easily by Tsukki and Tsukki doesn't have the emotional response to know when to stop. Kageyama can't encourage people and Yamaguchi doesn't have a brain of his own that isn't Tsukki's sidekick. If you make them play together, they'll get used to one another but you kinda are going to have to lock them in a room and hide the key for them to bond." I take a deep breath and look at the Captain who hasn't deflated since the beginning. "Now I'm done."

I stand there and ready myself for a slap or a yell or something. I even close my eyes and turn away just in case. Last thing I would want would be my nose matching Doctor Suoh's crooked thing. But then again, maybe I would realign it correctly since I've already had practice. I wait for another minute but nothing comes and I peek through to see the Captain smiling. Why is he smiling?

"I'm not going to break your legs," he replies as he laughs and I let out a breath that I didn't even know I was holding. The boy softens his face and I can tell that he just wanted me to sweat bullets. I give him an exasperated look and he just shakes head.

"But you are going to ask me to leave and never come back, aren't you?" I ask him a voice that seems firm until it cracks with the last two words.

"No, I'm not going to ask you to leave either," he replies and I wait for the joke. I wait for him to change just like my team in Switzerland. Watching his face, it doesn't change, and he just continues to smile at me.

"Then what are you doing with me?" I ask him with a suspicious voice.

"I want to ask you some questions."

I can feel myself stiffen slightly and my legs start to hurt too much to remain standing. I lower myself to the ground and the Captain stares at me from above with a confused face. When I gesture to my legs, he nods and then sits across from me. If he really does want to break my legs, this would be the ideal position.

"I don't want to talk about before and what happened to me," I say quietly and watch Daichi's eyes widen slightly. I'm scared of telling him but I'm scared that if I don't tell him, I won't get to play with the others.

"Alright, I guess we can start with, why aren't you on the girl's team?"

"I don't want to compete. Mentally I can't play in an actual match but physically I have limitations," I reply as I look at my hands. Tsukki's sweater and my sleeves cover my arms but my scars are burning. Actually, I'm swimming in the white thing that is the beanstalk's sweater.

"Okay, can you go to tournaments?"

"Yes. As long as I don't have to play, I'll be fine at official matches," I say after a moment's thought. If I get to wear whatever I want without the fear of being asked to take them off, I can go.

"How do you know so much about volleyball?" Daichi asks and I look up at him for this question. I bite my lip and wager how much I can say.

"I started playing when I was seven," I start and then stop for a moment. "My parents sent to me to camps every summer and I played every day with a club during the school year."

"But I take it you haven't played in a while, judging by how your body is reacting now," Daichi offers and I turn away.

"I don't want to talk about that."

"Alright. I just need to know, were you injured? Are you not supposed to be playing?" He asks strongly and I can see his concern. He doesn't want me hurting myself while under his supervision. It's a question I have to answer truthfully.

"The man who, you saw earlier is my Doctor. I'm not sick; I'm not going to die. He cleared me to play and as long as nothing happens that does injure me, I can continue," I inform Daichi with a stern voice. He nods once, knowing that that is all he's going to get out of me. "Please don't inform the others about who the man was. I would rather they not panic."

"I won't tell them," he agrees and I give him a grateful smile. "Now here is what I really wanted to ask you: will you be willing to help coach some of us with receives and serving?"

"What?" I ask in a surprised voice. "I'm not a coach. Sure I may notice when something in a person's form is wrong but I don't think you would want me."

"Well I think you would be a great coach just by the merits of what you explained to me about the first years. You analyze things and it's partly because of you that Kageyama and Hinata are able to even think about doing a quick attack."

"But I'm not able to help you with blocking or spiking. You have to hire someone else for that or else the team's strengths will be unbalanced. I can help coach but I don't think I can make you into the team you have the potential to be by myself," I argue back. I can't help them with everything and because of that, they need to hire another coach. Preferably someone with high school tournament experience.

"If we find another coach, will you be their assistant then? You have the potential to make our defense impenetrable," Daichi tells me and I can see the hope in his eyes.

This is his last year and he wants to win. I don't blame him. But he is so hungry to go on that my heart clenches. What if I can't make them strong enough to go that far? What if I get them to only where they can go part of the way? It will break his heart and would break mine along with it.

"I can make no guarantees about impenetrable. I can't even guarantee you that I can train you so that you win every game. There will come a point where we will lose and I don't know if I can make that loss easier for you," I tell him slowly and can see his eyes somehow brighten.

"I don't need you to guarantee anything or make anything easy for us. I need you to give us a chance," he replies and I don't know what to think. At the end of this road is heartbreak and the stench of defeat but the road itself will make me feel alive and is filled with promise. So what do I pick?

"Daichi can you answer a question for me?"

"Of course."

"Is it the journey or the destination?"

"The journey. Always," he replies with a confused face but so sure of his answer. I smile a bright smile at him.

"I'll take the job!" I exclaim as I get up.

"We can't actually pay for you."

"I'll take the unpaid internship!" I yell as I run into the gym. Tsukki and Yamaguchi are staring at me like I'm crazy and then Kageyama and Hinata run to me. I can see that all of them have gotten their black club jackets and I'm suddenly very proud of them.

"Are you okay? We were worried," Hinata asks, looking at my now less-trembly legs.

"I am going to make you guys impenetrable," I reply and Tsukki just scoffs. I glare at him and then stick my tongue out. "You're just jealous because the weather is so bad up there."

"Ehh?" He asks in anger at my joke.

Getting a smart idea, I touch Tsukki's foot with the toe of my shoe. He blanches and then looks at me with a glare. I smile then I proceed to poke him and Yamaguchi in the stomach. This turns into a contest between the three of us which drags in Hinata and Kageyama. When a familiar face walks into the gym huffing and puffing, we are chasing each other, screaming for revenge.

"It's decided! I got you a practice match! It's against one of the top four teams in the prefecture: Aoba Johsai High school," Takeda announces to the gym.

I look at Daichi and Sugawara to see them surprised. It's early that we're going up against such an opponent but I wouldn't want to turn it down. It's an amazing opportunity. Turning to the first years around me, I know that I'm going to have to train them hard. I hope they at least give me a week.

"A practice match with one of the top four?" Hinata says as he turns red with excitement. I look at Kageyama and he is still, showing no emotion. That can't be good, my voice adds. Tsukki and Yamaguchi give complaints and I feel fired up.

"Hitz-chan?" Takeda says as he approaches my group. I give him a small smile and he nods his head. "You finally decided to come in the gym."

"Yah, figured it might be time," I reply with grin. Takeda looks at Hinata and Kageyama who stand next to me and I feel them stiffen slightly.

"Oh and you must be Hinata-kun and Kageyama-kun."

"Who's he? A teacher?" Hinata whispers to me and Kageyama. The taller boy merely shrugs and I scoff at him.

"If you didn't sleep through first period, you would remember he's our Japanese literature teacher. He's also the faculty supervisor for the club," I tell them as I slap Kageyama's arm. He glares at me. "Introduce yourselves, idiots."

"Shoyo Hinata."

"Tobio Kageyama."

"I'm Ittetsu Takeda, hello," Takeda sensei says warmly to them. They relax as he continues. "I have no volleyball experience so I can't help with technique, though if Hitz-chan is here, I believe she can help you train. But if you need anything else, I will do my best."

"Right," the three of us reply and I watch as Sugawara and Daichi approach.

"Sensei," Daichi says and Takeda turns to him.

"Sorry that I haven't dropped in lately. I've been busy setting up matches for you guys," he says sheepishly.

"But, Sensei how did you get a powerhouse like Seijoh to agree?" Sugawara asks. I am wondering that too.

"Is there some kind of catch? It must have been too easy," I ask quietly, interrupting their conversation and Takeda turns to me with wide eyes.

"They did give it to us relatively easy and the condition is that Kageyama-kun has to be setter for the entire match," he replies and I can feel myself frown.

"They want to see how we're going to incorporate him into the team. It's all an information gathering game," I sigh and then click my tongue.

I don't want to have Kageyama and Hinata do their quick if we're specifically being watched. Might as well save that for tournaments as our secret weapon. I look at Sugawara but he tries to hide the fact that he is a little disappointed. He was the setter for all this time, but he doesn't look like he's going to put up a fight.

"They aren't interested in Karasuno then. Are they underestimating us?" Tanaka says angrily and I nod to the side.

"No, they want to see how we utilize Kageyama. He's a genius setter and used in accordance with the right players, a genius' use increases tenfold," I say as I tune out of the conversation.

I have to see how everyone works with Kageyama. Of course he has such deadly accuracy, he will adapt with the others, but I haven't assessed them fully either. It doesn't help that Sugawara can't play because if we utilize a double setter strategy, we could always have the setter dump and attack. But then again, I doubt Sugawara can play with Hinata as well as Kageyama. It's a hard toss up, I can only hope I have some time.

"Katrina!" someone yells and I tune back in. It was Hinata and I can see him frown worriedly. I'm going to have to take my pills, I'm getting lost too easily.

"Sorry, I was strategizing. What did I miss?" I ask as I fiddle with too large of sleeves on Tsukki's sweater.

"We were talking about when the game was," Daichi says with a suspicious look.

I nod and then turn to Sensei. He looks confused for a second but continues to tell us the details. It is scheduled for next Tuesday, so I have a week and a day. It's after school in their gym and we'll take a bus after classes. Since it's going to be so late, we'll have time for only one game and I have to make sure that I have all my stuff packed for that day.

When Sensei finishes, we disperse and I head to my bag. For the first time since putting on Tsukki's shirt, I see how big it is. It goes almost to the end of my shorts and I don't like it because I can't move easily. Taking it off, I put my own Karasuno sweater one and find a granola bar in my bag. Hinata and Kageyama start to play and I watch the quick. We're going to have to get another coach because I can't find flaws in it and that's bad. There should always be one flaw somewhere.

I eat the granola bar slowly as I watch Daichi get the boys in a huddle and tell them about the drill they're going to try. I can feel the girl manager come to my side but we don't address each other for some time. It's not until I look in my bag and realize that I have no water to take my pills with that I am forced to speak with her.

"Hey, um, I'm Katrina Hitz. I don't know if Captain told you—"

"That you are to be assistant coach," she finishes in a soft voice and I notice that the girl is just all around a pretty person. I blush with embarrassment and turn back to watch the drill. "I'm Shimizu Kiyoko. I look forward to working with you."

"Thanks, I look forward to working with you too," I reply and the look at her.

She doesn't smile and I don't know if she's actually looking forward to working with me or not. I turn away and then go to my bag again. Grabbing my pills, I walk out of the gym to find the water fountain. Someone followed me out and I turn to see Yamaguchi. He looks more timid without the tall blonde by his side but he frowns at me nevertheless.

"Hitz-chan," he starts and I put my hand up.

"Give me a second," I reply as I put the pills into my mouth and then drink some water. I almost choke and take in more water, the pills going down slowly. When I'm finished I look back to Yamaguchi to see him even more nervous. "Alright. What do you need?"

"I was wondering if, if," he says but closes his mouth suddenly. I wait patiently for him to ask his question, realizing that the boy is actually kinda shy. "Can you teach me how to a back row attack?"

"Sure," I reply quickly and he stares at me surprised. I watch as his mouth opens and closes like a fish.

"You aren't going to put up a fight?" he asks me with a high pitch and I shake my head giving him a slight smirk.

"Why would I? You want to get better, I can help you get better, and I'm coaching the team, so the realistic ending to this is that I teach you what I know."

"I just thought because Tsukki and I teased you so badly and you looked really angry after the match that you wouldn't want to help me," he replies with a quiet voice and I look at the tall brown haired boy.

"I'm not a mean person. Just because I don't want to talk about stuff doesn't mean that I'm going to hold you back. That's a shitty thing to do. Besides you aren't going to get good at it for a while. I'll have to design plays for you when I see you're ready but I can teach you. Just don't ask about things I don't want to talk about," I explain with a smile. He stands a bit straighter and I just nod towards the gym. "You ready?"

"Yes Hitz-chan," he replies and I hiss at him calling me by my last name. It's okay when the older guys do it but when the people my age try it, I don't like it.

"Just call me Katrina without honorifics. We're the same age."

"Okay Katrina!" Yamaguchi says happily and I lead him inside the gym.

The day passes quickly and I merely teach the boys and fix what needs to be fixed. I tried watching their spiking but I can't tell what a good form is or what a bad habit is. It makes me angry. Yamaguchi has a long way to go with the back row hitting. For starters, I have to shape up his receiving if I plan on putting him even in a game.

Hinata and Kageyama got a little more accurate but at times, when Kageyama was getting weary, the toss wouldn't be perfect. Then I have to fix Hinata's receiving. Hinata and Kageyama were almost always arguing with Tsukki and Yamaguchi during breaks and I had to yell at them to cut it out.

I'm pretty sure Daichi told the entire team that I was coaching them and that when they got an offensive coach, I would be their assistant. Most of the time, they boys followed me but sometimes, I could see in their eyes that they didn't trust me. I couldn't blame them. I was new and I didn't tell them much about myself.

When the sunlight was nearly gone, painting the sky with purple and pink, we finished. Most of the boys left ahead but I watched the three second years, Ennoshita, Kinoshita, and Narita, pick up the gym. Daichi had been kind enough to ask Sensei for an extra key for the gym and they gave me one to lock up.

"You all done?"

"Yes!" all three reply and I smile widely at them.

"Go home, you guys worked hard and did really well today," I praise and can see them blush with the compliment.

I lock up the gym and then walk to my bike. I had switched out my court shoes and left them in the box next to the gym, making my gym bag considerably lighter. The ride home was going well until the moment I saw beanstalk and company in the middle of the road and then the rest of the team.

"Katrina! Come have some meat buns with us!" Hinata yells as I approach them. Getting off of my bike while it is still moving, I stand on one pedal and cruise to them. Hinata is very impressed.

"What kind of meat buns?" I ask them and look to the blonde shop keeper. He's in his twenties and Daichi seems to be apologizing for something. "Do you have a seafood one? I hate the pork."

"Insolent child," the blonde haired man mutters at me. I roll my eyes and put my bike next to the shop.

"I'm just saying, after you see American pork, it kinda turns your stomach. They're weird eaters," I tell him and the man just looks at me like I'm crazy.

"Do you have to call your parents that you'll be home late?" Sugawara asks me with a concerned face. I shake my head and give a sad smile.

"I live alone," I reply and everyone somehow looks at me with pity. "Come on, I just want a seafood bun. Let's go inside."

"But don't you get lonely?" Hinata asks and I flinch with the question.

Looking down I wonder if I do. The voices are always there and I have to always call Doctor Suoh. Plus now my free time will be taken up with coaching the boys. But then again, I've always been alone. My parents were never home and I learned to stay out for as long as I could. Lonely isn't something that was hard on me.

"I don't think I can be lonely anymore. I have always been alone," I tell them in a whimsical voice and then push my way into the store. When the boys don't move, I glare at them and motion for them to come inside. "Come on. I'm starving."

* * *

"So do you feel lonely?" my therapist asks and I look at the woman with a frown. Since I got here, she's been asking me questions non-stop. How was school? How was I doing at home? How was I feeling? But she has yet to check my arms.

"Look lady, I've grown up by myself. You learn to just be alone. So no, I am not lonely," I reply with angry voice and stare at the ceiling. It looks like an off white color.

"Do you want to talk about your parents?" she asks with a monotone voice and I sigh. I've been trying to get a rise out of her for the past twenty minutes and she hasn't done anything remotely human yet.

"No. They're my parents, people who brought me into this world and people who paid for my food and schooling. There's not really that much we can talk about," I tell her with a strong voice.

"Don't you resent them for not knowing how you were?"

"Look, I asked to go to Switzerland. It was going to be a nice change and I was excited. Just because my brain decided it was going to walk into crazy town and not leave, doesn't mean that I think they should have stopped me. No one could stop me. I was too far gone."

"Do you want someone to make sure that you don't go too far again?" she asks as she writes more things on her clipboard paper. I turn to her and study her closely. She doesn't seem like an inhuman person but she has been taught how to deal with people like me. Maybe it's all an act.

"Are you going to ask to see my arms or not?" I ask her and watch her expression. Her eyes widen so minutely that I could have believed my psychotic mind made it up. She stops writing and looks at me in the eyes. Finally putting her paperwork down, she folds her hands on her lap.

"I run my sessions very differently than your other therapists. You talk as much as you can and I will ask you as many questions as you can take. If something is bothering you, I expect you to tell me. There is a certain trust that I give to my patients. If I ask you if you haven't cut yourself or if you have taken your pills, and you're telling the truth, there is no need for me to double check."

"Okay," I say slowly and pull my lips back and repeatedly close my jaw making a clicking noise. "So I could lie to you and you won't make sure?"

"No, if you lie, I will know after a while. Because if I check you in a month and see a healing scar, I will know. Of if you show signs of being off your medication, I will ask to have you get some bloodwork done. But I trust that you want to get better."

"Does this normally work?" I ask her with a doubtful look. She sighs and I give a small smile at finally seeing her human nature.

"If you don't want to be sent back to a hospital, it does. But you also have to work with me and tell me when something is bothering you so we can address it. Now, is there anything that has been bothering you? Your relationship with your parents? School? Being alone?" she asks and I can see that she has given up writing down all the shit I say.

I turn back to the ceiling and consider not telling her anything and falling asleep. But we both know that that will help no one. She can help me with the things that I can't tell other people. Technically, she knows me better than me so I don't have to fear her judging me because she already knows.

"I'm coaching the volleyball club at school and this weekend, I kinda blew up at a boy. He was asking me about the past and I hate talking about it, so I snapped. I could have hurt him and when I was alone, I heard the voices and was considering opening my skin to silence them," I muse to her.

"Did you cut yourself?"

"No. I didn't," I reply and scratch my arm. It's all psychological but my arms ache sometimes when I talk about the scars.

"Then I am very proud of you," she tells me and I suddenly turn to her. No one has told me that they were proud of me for years. "You did well."

"Wow," I murmur and then turn back. "You're just as insane as me. It isn't anything special to not cut myself. People all around the world do it every day."

"Yes but people don't feel what you feel and I'm sure that if they did, they may not have made the same decision," she tells me firmly and I can see her logic.

"I guess," I reply and then take a deep breath.

"Have you told the people who you're coaching anything about yourself?"

"No. I don't have the courage yet."

"That's fine," she replies and again I'm shocked. I must have had really shitty therapists or she's just a crazy person reassuring another equally psychotic person. "When you feel you're ready, you tell them."

"Thanks," I say and feel a small smile come to my face. It's the first time that I actually don't mind a therapist. The others always said it was my parent's fault or that I just had to see the world differently. She's making me see the world from my perspective and it's refreshing. "Can I go to sleep?"

"You can. I'll wake you up when you have to go," she replies as I let my eyelids close.

My therapist woke me up twenty minutes later and again we exchanged no words as I walked out of her office. She wasn't as bad as the other therapists I had but that didn't mean I trusted her with everything. Some things you have to keep buried inside yourself, never allowing the feelings to be put into words; all because you fear that you will actually experience them.

For breakfast, I went to the same bakery which seems to change its special every week. This time, instead of cookies, they were brownies, which just so happened to smell like the most delicious things in the world. No one bothered me when I arrived at the station but the line for the ticket booth was once again packed.

"I'm going to have to use the devil machine," I groan as I walk to the automatic ticket dispenser.

The options were once again floating on the screen and I struggled to read which button was my station. Somehow after four minutes of standing in front of it, my cart had accumulated a one way ticket to Tokyo, a roundtrip bus ticket to God only knows where and a tour pass with a free coupon book. The blinking time on the machine said I had six minutes until my train showed up and I thought of shaking the machine in anger.

Just as I was about to kick the damn thing, a familiar long arm came into view. It quickly worked through the settings and I watched carefully so I would know how to do it by myself. But I was lost halfway through the process and soon enough Aone stepped back and motioned for me to put my card in. I sighed in anger at my incompetence but my ticket was dispensed nonetheless.

Moving to the side, I waited for Aone to purchase his ticket which seemed to take half as long as my process did. When he had his ticket in hand, I turned on my toes and led the way to the station. At least we were early enough to stand and wait for the train, people watching me in the only different uniform in the entire place. I glare at people and they quickly break eye contact with me.

When our train finally comes into the station, we enter, taking our place in the same seats we had last week. Once the train started, I opened my bag and revealed the four brownies that were housed in a paper bag. My backpack was filled with gym clothes and my black flats, books and papers were place strategically for optimal paper cuts. I take the bag out, my kneepads falling onto the floor. You are so messy, my voice chuckles. Shut up, I reply.

"Volleyball?" Aone says quietly but I know that his deep voice posed it as a question. I put my stuff back in and turn to him, offering a brownie from the bag.

"Yah. Want a brownie?" I ask with an embarrassed smile at being so disorganized.

Aone nods his head and takes one of the brownies in the bag. Copying his actions, I grab one of the chocolate brownies and take a bite. They were indeed delicious and I tried to savor it by taking small bites. Then I wonder why I am even sharing my food with the gargantuan next to me. Sure he helped me with my ticket and he keeps the weirdoes away but I act like I know him.

He's a large guy and if he chose to, could overpower me with his little finger. Of course, I wouldn't go down without a fight. But as I peek at my companion I find no threat. His light colored hair borders white, and is short and messy, all the while he lacks eyebrows. Then his resting serious face might make people scared of him but I just get that that's his expression. I just get along with him really well for being strangers.

Maybe it's because he's so quiet. I just like having him around because he doesn't make me speak and I can take my time with the conversation. With other people, I always feel like I'm being pressured to speak. It's exhausting. After a couple minutes of silence, I wonder just how Aone knew that the kneepads were volleyball.

"Hey, you have a sister that plays volleyball or something?" I ask the tall boy and he just shakes his head. Silently, he points to himself and I understand that he plays volleyball. I smirk and assess his skills. "You're a middle blocker. Pretty good at it because your arms are long, but then again, I bet you have trouble passing because you don't know what to do with your limbs."

"That is right," he replies and I can hear the slight fluctuation in his otherwise monotone voice.

He must be surprised that I could assess him so well. I finish my brownie and look at him again. He's probably a second year or possible third year, even though he looks like he's in his late twenties. He turns to me, having felt me watching him and I can see his jaw clench. He thinks you're checking him out, my voice fills me in, and I turn away with a red face.

"You a second year?" I ask quickly, trying to cover up my staring. I watch him nod out of the corner of my eye and I push the bag of brownies toward him once again. He takes a second one and I relax with our ordinary actions. After a moment he looks at me and I can tell he wants to know what year I am. "I'm a first year."

"And you're on the volleyball team?"

I try my best not to stiffen as I look at the train floor. The brownie in my stomach feels like a weight and I roll my lips as I shake my head. Is he going to ask me why? It is the obvious question that everyone asks after I tell them I'm not on the team. But the question never comes and I relax to find him chewing his brownie happily.

I smile a bit, relieved that he doesn't push me like a normal person. It makes me want to tell him more about myself, letting me not feel pressured into something that I don't want to say. The boy looks at me and I smile a large smile, trying to convey that I'm grateful to him for his silence. His eyes widen and he gives me a small smile back.

"I coach the boy's team," I reply and his eyes widen with surprise. "I tell them that they have to get a coach with more experience but for now, it's just me. It makes me nervous because I can't teach them some things."

"If they asked you to be coach then you must be good," Aone replies and now I am the one surprised. I smile a grateful smile back at him and he merely nods his head a couple of times as if he's trying to reassure me. With the reassurance, I blush slightly and look away, catching the pink in his ears also.

There is silence after that and I finish my snack, wondering if Takeda-sensei found another coach yet. The boys are lacking in their attacks but I can't do a damn thing about it. As it is, the Aoba Johsai game is coming up on Tuesday so I have only five days to get the boys to where they can be that they don't embarrass themselves.

I can feel myself stressing over them and I just wish that I could give them my skill so they could use it themselves. Lord knows since I'm not on the girl's team, my talent is just going to waste. I should at least make an effort to join the girl's team or watch them or help them out. But the fear swallows the idea whole. It could be because they're girls or it could be because I can't stand the idea of actually playing in a match that it kills me to even be with them.

With my stressing, it's already Aone's stop and I feel the train slow down at his station. He looks at me and I give him a bright smile. It's nice that I don't ride alone. I guess this is what it feels like to not be lonely.

I'm always alone and I can fool myself into thinking I'm not lonely but I've been lonely for years. Though through the years, I have developed an immunity to actually feeling the emotion. But with him, I don't feel alone. Because even though he doesn't talk to me that much during the ride and even if he just sat there, I feel better. But what the emotion that makes me feel better is lost.

"I hope you have a good day," I tell him as he walks to the door.

He turns his head swiftly to face me and his eyes are wide. I think they're black or maybe a dark brown; I'll have to check next week. As I continue to give him a smile, I watch his face turn red. He nods his head and as the doors open, he nearly runs out of the train. From my seat I watch him go but this time I can see him glance back as disappears from sight.

* * *

 **I just read on the wiki that Aone's current concern is that when he's riding the train no one wants to sit on either side of him. I then proceeded to laugh and believe that I have some good luck going. I should bet on a horse or something. Or maybe all of my luck has already been used up by a fanfiction. I can't tell and the world will never know.**

 **As always, follow, fave, review, obsess. Loves yous guys.**


	7. Decisions by Green Monsters

**Chapter Seven: Decisions by Green Monsters**

* * *

" **Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy, he thought. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistable urge to commit murder, and an inferiority complex. Yippee."**

― **J.R. Ward,** _ **Dark Lover**_

" **Anger, resentment and jealousy doesn't change the heart of others- it only changes yours."**

― **Shannon L. Alder,** _ **300 Questions to Ask Your Parents Before It's Too Late**_

* * *

Monday came quickly and I was waiting for my team to be ready for practice. Being the girl, I was left outside of the clubroom next to the door. I didn't mind but was wondering if my package had come in yet. None of the boys seemed to be in a rush but then again, Daichi had yet to show up. Wait, speak of the devil and he shall appear.

"Daichi, check if there's a package for me in the room. Takeda-sensei said something about it coming in today," I tell the tall boy from my position on the floor.

"Package?" he asks with a suspicious look and I just merely roll my eyes and nod. The boy comes back a moment later with a medium sized box that has multiple shipping stamps. Daichi looks at the strange package and then pronounces terribly, "What does, mit viele liebe, mean?"

"Nothing," I mutter, knowing Erwin still has his stupid saying so I know it's him and not one of his workers. Daichi gives me a glare and I know I'm not going to get out of it. "It's a code. Translated literally as 'with much love'."

"Oh," Daichi says now slightly embarrassed that he asked. He probably thinks it's from my boyfriend or something. I take the package and Daichi makes his escape.

I open the package to see shredded paper hiding DVDs. They are marked 'incoming players', 'finals match from two years ago' and 'finals match from last year', all in German. I can feel my face turn into an angry scowl. He didn't send everything. I asked specifically for both finals and preliminaries. I get my phone out and dial the familiar number that is Erwin, but struggling with the international process of calling. I finally get it and it rings twice before someone picks up.

" _Hello?_ " a rough voice asks in German and I roll my eyes at the ground.

" _Give the phone to Erwin_ ," I hiss in angry German and can hear the phone being juggled to someone else.

" _Katrina, you've always been so rude,"_ a silky voice tells me and I shake my head _. "Did you get the package? Sorry but I couldn't find the preliminaries. Those were hard to come by. But what has been bothering me is why I sent the box to Japan."_

" _I'm staying here for a while. Now can you get me all the information you can about the top four teams in the Miyagi prefecture?"_ I ask and can see Hinata come out of the club room. The boy is clutching his stomach and I've noticed when he gets nervous he gets sick.

" _Girls?"_

" _No the guys,"_ I reply and I hear Erwin whine pathetically.

" _Why are you not looking at the girls? Are you not playing anymore? I hear rumors about what might have happened to you,"_ Erwin gushes and I watch Tsukki and Yamaguchi come up the stairs.

" _You don't need to know what I'm doing. That's my business. All you need to know is what videos I need sent over and where you're shipping them to,"_ I argue and feel beanstalk and company staring at me intently.

" _Oh but Katrina, I thought we were friends,"_ the voice coos and I rub my temple with my free hand.

" _What?"_ I hiss and can feel the two boys next to me stiffen with my tone. _"I'm just going to tell you and you're going to sell my answer to the highest bidder. I know people have been asking about me for years. Just get what I need and send me the bill, you always know that I pay."_

I hang up after that and look back to my box in slight anger. I wanted to know everything about the Aoba Johsai team, from their first years to every formal play they've used. But now I'm only given half the information. On the bright side, I just ordered all the information I might need for the season. If not, I'll just have Erwin send the stuff in priority shipping.

"Who was that?" Tsukki asks, curiosity getting the better of him.

"An old colleague of mine. Best information gatherer in all of Germany, but he's also the most whiny person I've ever met," I tell them and can tell they're going to ask more questions.

"What information did you need?" Yamaguchi asks, his eyes shining in curiosity.

"Our opponents," I reply and then turn to Tsukki, looking at the headphones around his neck. "Tsukki, do your headphones work with a TV?"

"Yes," he replies in monotone and then waits for why I need them.

"Can you buy me a pair? I'll give you the money upfront," I offer and the boy looks at me with a confused frown.

"Why don't you just buy them yourself?" he asks and I shake my head.

"I don't get that stuff. You're lucky I know how to work the DVD machine. Just buy them for me, in red, and I'll pay you back," I tell him with a pleading voice. Tsukki has to help me.

"Fine, but you won't have them until next week," he replies with a disgusted face. I smile up at him and then stand. Tanaka bursts out of the club room a second later.

"Hinata! You're wearing my pants," he yells at the ginger. This is when I notice Tanaka is indeed in his pink underwear and the poor girl's tennis captain is forced to see him.

"Tanaka you pervert!" she exclaims and I pull the boy by the collar and throw him back into the club room. I go to her and start to bow.

"Sorry. They're a little nervous about tomorrow. It won't happen again," I apologize and the girl just blanches at me and walks away. I turn to the club room and yell through the open door. "If you have time to embarrass yourselves, you have time to march your asses to the gym! Get a move on it."

Hinata came running back up the stairs, pants falling down as he throws himself into the club room. I sigh and then make my way to the gym, my box in hand and satchel at my side. I had yet to change into my gym clothes but that's because I can't exhaust myself in practice. Lord only knows how many hours I'm going to spend watching these tapes and taking notes. When I get to the gym, I open it up with my keys and stand at the door.

Every day is a battle to throw myself into the gym. Most of the time, I just let the boys come and push me in, but today I have to do it myself. How am I going to be able to walk into Aoba Johsai's gym if I can't even walk into my own gym?

Though I have gotten better at walking into the gym. Playing still turns my stomach but I think I can handle being on the sidelines as a coach. I mean, I feel like I'm alive all the same. I'm closest to being the old me when I receive the boy's spikes and I don't need to play in tournaments. For now, this is fine.

Taking the first step, I hear my converse squeak on the newly scrubbed floor. I asked for it to be made tournament ready and Takeda-sensei took care of it this weekend. Of course the budget was stretched thin but when Takeda-sensei took it to the board and mentioned the 'legendary' Katrina Hitz, they threw money at us. I think they think I'm a miracle worker.

Holding my breath, I walk further into the gym and lay my bag on the floor and move my box next to it. When I breathe again, I have to admit that the air doesn't smell like salonpas like Hinata likes it, but it has that gym smell. The smell of countless falls and millions of footsteps. I smile a small smile as I remember this is the smell of home to me. It's not cookies or my mother's perfume or my dad's cigarettes that reminds me of childhood. No, it's the smell of sweat and perseverance.

"Katrina?" Hinata asks me shakily from behind.

I turn around and can see that the boy is going to be sick. I quickly grab him and pull him to the trash can I moved outside the gym for these situations. He hurls and I rub his back soothingly. After almost three minutes of now stop throwing up, he coughs and wipes his mouth. I rub his back a little more as he stands tall, white as a sheet.

"Are you done?" I ask quietly and the ginger nods his head. "I have some stomach medicine for you. Don't push yourself so hard today and whatever you do, do not throw up on the gym floor."

"Alright," he says and I awkwardly pat his head that is taller than me. We go inside and I give him some stomach medicine I keep in my bag. He drinks some of it and his pale face gets some color.

"Eww, did he throw up?" I hear a voice snicker and I glare at Tsukki. Yamaguchi snickers with him and I point to the storage room.

"Go and set up the net," I command and both boys groan but heed my words nonetheless. I look back at Hinata and he stares up at me with a stressed smile. I go to my bag and take out some white pills in a plastic bag. "Take two before bed. It'll help you sleep and settle your stomach."

"Okay," he replies and I rub his arm.

Poor baby can't handle stress at all. I hope he won't do this before every game. But then again, he has never played before so it's the stress of playing in his first official match with a real team, so I can understand him. I walk away and find Daichi watching me carefully. He gives me a look and I take him to the side, Sugawara following us.

"What did you give him? What if he's allergic to it? Where did you get those? Are thos-"

I put a finger up and Daichi halts his attack. The silver-haired boy looks at me concerned. I smile at them and shake my head. Looking back at Hinata, he has gotten up and is slowly returning to normal and is arguing with Tsukki. Turning back to the captain, I can see he doesn't trust me yet. He probably thinks that I'm a child and not experienced in these things.

"The placebo affect. They're very low sugar placebo pills. Literally like a very terribly tasting, nearly sugar free, lifesaver. My coach gave me one my first tournament and then I used to give them to the new girls on the team. They mentally overcome whatever it is by just thinking that the pill will work. He is also not allergic to it, I have looked at all your medical charts and know what all of you guys are allergic to," I reply and the older boy is surprised at me. Sugawara merely smiles a relieved smile at me.

"You what?" Daichi asks but continues. "You know what we're allergic to?"

"Yes, I also know that Narita broke his arm in primary school. Ennoshita has allergies to pollen and dirt that flare up in fall. You sprained your ankle in seventh grade. Tanaka had to get his stomach pumped once because he ate too many Legos. Now, I take my job very seriously and I know everyone's injuries because I don't want them to happen again, though I hope Tanaka is over his Lego eating phase. I assure you, I am not a novice at this, even though I may be a bit rusty."

"Were you a coach?" Sugawara asks, looking at me in wonder.

"No, I was a captain. Now you two go start your warm up," I instruct and the boys take off.

Daichi looks back at me with newfound pride and I can tell that even though I creepily know everything about the boys, he understands that it makes me feel better when I'm coaching them. I just want to make sure that none of them get hurt. Or worse yet, I hurt any of them unknowingly. So, I learn everything I can. Just like how I'm going to be up until the crack of dawn watching matches from years ago.

"Hitz-chan?" a soft voice calls and I turn to find Kiyoko holding a large box. I quickly take it from her and place it on the floor. "I believe I got your size right. Sorry for the wait though."

"What wait? I didn't even know I was expecting something," I reply to the quiet girl.

She merely opens the box and holds in front of me a jacket like the rest of the team. Except mine has red lettering on the black cloth. I smile widely at it as she hands it to me; I pet the fabric with my thumbs to find it's the nice soft material, softer than I remember them being. I put it on slowly, reveling in the fact that it fits like a glove with my vest on, making it a little big if worn with a regular t-shirt.

"I'm glad it fits," Kiyoko says quietly and I turn to her and offer my brightest smile. The girl stiffens but I can see the smallest of smiles come to her lips.

"Now, you're really one of us," Tanaka yells from across the gym. I rub my hands on the sleeves and can see him give me a proud smile. "Does it feel familiar?"

"No," I yell across the court, heart beating with excitement. "It feels new."

* * *

I yawn as I make my way from the club room to the bus, today being match day. I have my trusty satchel at my side, mostly empty of books, and a large bucket in my other hand. I continue to wear the skirt and tights but have replaced my vest and button down shirt with a white long sleeve under armour I found in one of my boxes. My club jacket finishes the outfit with my trusty black converse. I'll have to buy another pair, these ones are getting dirty very quickly.

Takeda-sensei stands in front of the bus and I watch as the players follow behind me, talking with excitement. Takeda is wearing a green tracksuit and I can't tell if I like the color or not. Nodding to the teacher, I can tell I look tired when the glasses wearing teacher does a double take to look at me. I wave my free hand for him not to ask about it and I wait for all the boys to get here.

"Line up!" I yell as the boys straggle to the bus. They finally get in a line and then bow lowly to Takeda-sensei and I.

"Let's play!" they yell and I wave my hand at them and yawn once more.

"Get in the bus," I say as we all pile into the bus.

Sitting in the front, I watch the small ginger child walk to the back. He looks as tired as I am and more sick than yesterday. The pills didn't work. Stretching out on the first double seat, I watch Takeda-sensei get himself into the driver's seat. I hope he's a good driver, my voice comments. And I can only hope he is.

"Hitz-chan?" I hear Sugawara ask me and I turn to him. "Why do you have a bucket?"

"You'll see," I reply and he just looks confused. The last person to get on is Tanaka, whom I stop and hand the bucket to. "Sit with Hinata and give him this. He'll need it."

"Why?" the bald boy exclaims as he looks at the bucket. I look at him and push him in the back with my foot, watching him go to the back of the bus.

"Just trust me," I sigh quietly and then drop my satchel to the ground. "Sugawara, wake me up when we get there, but for no other reasons."

"What other reasons would there be?" I hear from the other side of the seat and shake my head in slight anger. Why does no one trust me?

"Just don't wake me up."

I close my eyes and let myself get the hour sleep that would total two and half that I had slept that night. It was surprising but I dreamt. Actually more of a memory than a dream with pink elephants and Alice in Wonderland themes. No, I remembered something that would have happened years ago. Something that I thought I had forgotten.

I was in the car, my mother was driving but I didn't really see her face or anything about her. I just knew that I was being driven to my game by my mother. She was excited and I was worried. The radio blasted Brahms—or was it Handel?—and I counted the number of holes I had in my club jacket. Twelve was the record.

"Hitz-chan?" a voice calls and I know that I shouldn't open my eyes. I want to be here for a little more, listening to my mother hum to an orchestra. The car shook and I knew that the memory would fade. But right before I left, my mother turned around and I saw her mouth mutter, 'I love you'. She hasn't told me that in a long time. "Time to wake up."

"I'm up," I reply as I open my eyes, misted with tears. I wipe them away quickly as the comforting eyes of Sugawara worry about me. "Go with the others, I'll be right there."

"You were right," he says as he walks away.

"About what?" I ask as I stretch on the seat. The boy turns his head and gives me a comforting smile.

"Hinata did need the bucket," he replies and I smile a tired smile at him.

He turns away a moment later and I sit on the seat, mentally preparing myself to enter the gym and deal with all this. After a couple of minutes, I grab my bag and jump out of the bus. I stretch as I take my first steps and can see that the campus to the school is large. We're in the third gym and I look to the directory to find it on the other side of campus.

Walking around, I find the campus empty and I bring my braid forward and pick at the end as I wander. I turn down a way and find my own team standing off against two strangers in white jerseys. As I walk from behind the group, I can see my boys stiffen when they notice me. Looks like Tanaka, Kageyama and beanstalk and company are trying some intimidation technique.

"What are you guys doing?" I ask and see the two tall Aoba Johsai boys turn around, startled with my presence. "I would have hoped you would be warming up by now. But here you are, messing around. I can't leave you guys for a second."

Daichi shows up a heartbeat later and looks at me while heaving a relieved sigh. I mess with my braid more as I walk through the two boys—one that looks like a turnip and another with brownish hair. Looking more closely at the boys, I recognize them from my research. One of them is Kindaichi who was a middle blocker for Kageyama. The other is their secondary setter, Yahaba.

Standing in front of my boys, they glare at the two behind me. Fixing my bag, I step one more step towards them and then I wave them to lead the way to the gym. But I stop for a moment and turn to the two boys they were intimidating. I bow at them, my braid almost hitting the floor with the action.

"Pardon them. They talk a lot," I apologize and then stand upright. The two boys don't know what to think.

"Oh, it's all right," Yahaba replies and I give them a smile as I turn around and follow my team.

"Why did you apologize to them?" Tanaka scoffs as I catch up to the group. I throw my braid behind me and roll my eyes at him.

"Because I don't want to be known as the coach of rude little punks," I reply. Tanaka looks surprised that I called him rude. Tsukki and Yamaguchi snicker softly at this and I can see Kageyama worried about something.

The boys lead the way to the gym and I watch the sky, trying to distract myself from the fear of entering the gym. We finally arrive at the gym and I watch the others go in before me. The gym from the outside is huge and the smell of salonpas does waft through the open door. I take a deep breath through my nose and let the feeling of familiarity fall over me. Go in, my voice says and I take the steps into the gym, freezing when I see the nets set up.

"Katrina!" Hinata calls from inside and I see the whole team and Takeda-sensei waiting for me.

For a second, I just stand and look at the picture. They look like a team but I can feel some things are missing. We aren't complete yet. Though when we are, I'll feel the feeling I always get with my team. The feeling of euphoria, beyond the feeling of living. When I feel that, I'll know that I've done all that I can.

"I'm coming," I yell back and will my feet to move towards my team. Just the feeling of thinking they're my team, fills me with joy. When I meet them, I look at the space and turn into a coach. "Go stretch and do some warmup passing. I'm going to talk to the other coaches. Takeda-sensei, you come with me."

I walk away with the glasses teacher and see the other two coaches. One is the head coach Irihata, been around forever and is going to stay for a while too. The second is a relative newcomer but he is more hotheaded; his name is Mizoguchi. They're both well-rounded coaches and I know that if they have all their starting players, we'll be in trouble.

"Excuse me," Takeda-sensei interrupts when we are in front of the two coaches. They turn and look at us with interest. We both bow at the coaches. "Thank you for allowing us to have this match against you."

"It's no problem at all," the older man says and we both raise. "I'm Nobuteru Irihata, the head coach. This is Sadayki Mizoguchi, our secondary coach."

"I'm the faculty advisor, Ittetsu Takeda and this is Katrina Hitz, our coach," Takeda-sensei says and I can feel both men's eyes widen. I look up at them with a small smirk and piercing eyes. The two men don't know whether to flinch with my gaze or to laugh at me for being a small girl. I look around the gym and don't notice their star setter, Oikawa. He was going to be the major problem for us.

"Is Oikawa-san injured? I hoped he would be here to play," I coo as I turn back to the men. This time they do flinch and I increase my smirk.

"He had to get his ankle checked," the younger coach answers quickly and I can see the head coach narrow his eyes at me. I just nod in understanding and then quirk my head slightly.

"Well, that's a shame. I looked forward to seeing his serve, a great learning experience for the boys," I tell them and then bow once again. "Thank you again for having us and I wish you luck."

"You too," the younger coach says and I walk away, pulling Takeda-sensei by the sleeve with me.

"Hitz-chan, don't you think you were a little rude?" Takeda says when we're out of ear's range. I look up at the small man and shake my head with a devious smile. Let the games begin, my voice screams. That is until I still see my team hanging around the entrance.

"What the hell are you guys doing still standing around? What did I tell you? I already fulfilled my duties, now I expect you to get to work," I yell at them angrily and they all shift into gear, dropping their bags and changing into their shorts. "Thank you, some initiative! Finally I don't have to baby you!"

I watch the boys as they start to stretch and notice one missing. The ginger is probably in the bathroom and I sigh. Walking to the bench I sit down. I finally drop my bag and watch the other team's boys warm up. They have a nice rounded team but without Oikawa, they are lacking. I can already see it. Their ace won't be up to skill and their middle blockers aren't used to the setter.

If Hinata is up to standards, this should be an easy game. But when I see the boy enter the gym, I doubt we'll be winning the first set. That's okay, because if we don't have Oikawa to deal with, the others should pick up the slack. I watch as Daichi tries to reassure Hinata but it only freaks him out more. The final blow is when Kiyoko approaches him, probably saying something helpful but not in Hinata's mind.

With the boys in their red jerseys, I stand knowing we're going to start the match soon. I don't want to give them that much of a pep talk right now, rather I want to see how Daichi will handle his teammates. How could they get by if I'm not coach? Maybe if they see how they do on their own and then see how I can coach, they'll finally trust me. The boys line up at the end line and I find Takeda-sensei and Kiyoko at my side.

"We will now begin the practice match of Karasuno High school versus Aoba Johsai High School," someone announces and all the boys in the gym chant "Let's play".

The game begins. I watch as their third year Matsukawa serves and Hinata takes a ball that was clearly Daichi's. We lose the first point and already I know I'm going to have to whip Hinata into shape. A few more times Hinata fucks up royally and even throws the kid officiating off his ladder. I laugh at that and then turn to Hinata. He shakes in fear in front of me but I wave him back to the court. Daichi can't get rid of his nerves.

I know the other coaches are staring at me. They're probably thinking I'm some crazy girl that doesn't know a thing about volleyball. But it's quite the opposite. I know Hinata has to get through with his nerves. If he couldn't bring himself out of it with my placebo pills, he has to mess up so badly nothing else will be terrible. When the score finally hits 24-13, I think the problem is solved.

Of course that problem is solved because he serves the ball into Kageyama's head. I chuckle as the black haired boy looks like he's going to kill the ginger. But knowing Kageyama, he'll just ask why he's scared and tell him that he shouldn't be afraid. We huddle and I can see Hinata is better and know that Daichi couldn't take having to lead the team by himself.

"Alright, now that we messed up as badly as we could, let's get to work," I announce as I clap my hands together. Every player blanches at me and I raise an eyebrow. "Do you really think if I was coaching seriously I would have stayed so silent? I just wanted to see how you would do on your own. Let's just say, you need me."

"Well, thanks coach," Tsukki says with his trademark frown and I roll my eyes at him.

"Kageyama start our first point with a quick from Hinata. Then do it every fifth volley, regardless of what's happening. With the rest of them, I trust you will get them where they need to go. I just don't want to show them the quick too often but often enough to make them wonder. Daichi, you're going to have cover a lot of the holes. Tanaka and Ennoshita, I expect you guys to keep up with the pace. Tsukki, bend your knees more when you receive. I'll call a time out if I want to switch some things, okay?"

"Yes," the boys chant and I smile.

"Look to at each other," I command and they look around the huddle. "These are the people you can rely on. These are the people who will be there when the last ball drops. This is your team. Congratulations boys, this is your first match of the season, please make it a win."

"Yes," they chant even louder and the whistle sounds to get them back out there.

I stand this time, watching my boys as they face off against one of the top four. The other coaches can see the change in my demeanor and I look at them and smirk. They turn away with clenched jaws. They realized that I wasn't coaching before.

Ennoshita serves and I watch the volley from their side. The first year Kunimi spikes and it hits Tsukki who didn't bend his knees to receive. The ball goes wayward and Kageyama tries to make up for the cover with Hinata's quick. I watch as the ball is slightly too high and I sigh as it hits the floor.

"Tsukki?" I yell out and I can see the blonde glare at me. "I told you so!"

I can hear the tsk from my place at the bench and I laugh at him, making him glare even harder. The whistle blows and I watch as they serve the ball, being received by Ennoshita. A perfect toss and I watch Kageyama send it to Hinata who is at the middle of the net in a flash. The ball hits the ground with a loud thump and I can see the other team trying to discern what just happened.

"There it is, the freak toss and spike," I hear Tsukki say in a monotone voice. He has no passion whatsoever.

The two boys jump up and down and when they turn to me, I give them a thumbs up. Daichi takes them into a huddle and I can hear their loud cheers. The people in the gym are surprised and I smile at the crowd. The feeling is so familiar and yet, it's so new. I think I like this feeling a little more but I can't tell if I'm sure or not.

"Now that we're up and running, show them what Karasuno can really do," I yell to the boys and even the players on the bench cheer. I can feel the other coaches surprised by my words and I can only think about how good they'll be when I get them to my standard and we hire a blocking and attack coach.

I walk back and forth from the sidelines as I watch the plays the boys make. They are running more smoothly and with what little receiving training I've given them, they're excelling. Plus with Hinata's main use as a decoy, Tanaka can pummel the ball into the floor. We pull away and soon enough the score is at 15-9. Having lost myself for a moment, I find that I have a hand on Yamaguchi's shoulder.

"Katrina?" he asks shakily and I watch Ennoshita move to the back row.

"Do you feel good enough to try being the back row?" I ask the brown haired boy. He looks at me with scared eyes but nods nonetheless. I lead him to the official. "I'm going to switch someone out."

"Okay," he replies and I wait for us to pick up the point. The official blows the whistle while I push Yamaguchi onto the court.

"Ennoshita, come here for a bit," I call out and when Yamaguchi doesn't move I get angry and revert to my mother language. _"For the love of all that is good, don't be such a wuss!"_

Yamaguchi looks back at me and I widen my eyes as I am ready to kick him in the butt. Luckily I don't have to do that because he is met by a bouncing Hinata who pulls him into position. I look at the ginger and he nods, knowing he has to help his teammate. Ennoshita comes in and I give him a high five.

"You did really well. When you're in the back row, you're a little slow getting into position but when we practice a bit more, I think we can really utilize you to get a steady lead," I praise the boy and he looks down slightly embarrassed.

"I'm glad you are happy," he replies and I can feel my face frown slightly.

"I'm proud," I tell him firmly and the boy's head comes straight up. "I'm not just happy; I'm proud of how you performed. You should be proud of yourself too. You're a good all-around player."

"Thank you," he says as he blushes slightly and goes to stand next to Sugawara. The silver-haired boy was watching us and gives me a gentle smile. The smile that my mother used to give me when I talked to my teammates and calmed them down. I smile slightly back and shake my head, watching the match.

The first ball was the hardest for Yamaguchi. He missed the serve and it turned into a chance ball which failed to make us a point. After that, he got the hang of things. I watched as we kept our lead and it was soon 24-18. It was Yamaguchi's last time before I switched him back out. He wasn't equipped to spike yet and I didn't think I could put that much pressure on him. But I knew we would get the point and it would just be a break between sets.

They were serving and I watched as the new ace Iwaizumi served to Yamaguchi. The boy nearly froze but moved his feet underneath the ball and gave a perfect pass to Kageyama. It was time Kageyama would give it to Hinata and I watched as the players again flocked to Tanaka. Hinata was free to spike and the godly play was accomplished as the ball hit the floor.

We win the set and soon enough, the boys have come in for water. I assess each of them, finding Yamaguchi still a little nervous after being in for the ten points until our win. Daichi isn't as tired as I expected him to be but it's easier on him because I drilled the boys with lots of receive training. The others seem to be fine and I can see Kageyama looking at me intensely. He must think something is wrong.

"I don't think that's their regular setter," Kageyama tells the group in a hushed voice and I snort.

"Of course not. It's their secondary. If we were playing their regular setter we would be in trouble," I tell him and the dark-haired boy looks at me with wide eyes. I snort again. "Don't tell me you thought you could beat a top four team with only the training I've done with you."

"Well," Tanaka says as he drinks from his bottle. I look at them like they're crazy. They thought they were really good.

"Hate to burst your guys' bubble but I'm not anywhere near done training you. When I'm done, we'll be able to finish these guys off even if they were the best players in the country. But for now, you guys have to work hard to win the final set," I tell them and I can see the wonder in their eyes. They actually thought they had enough training, my voice laughs out. I know, they're so simple.

"Are we going to do the same routine next game?" Daichi asks and I consider it.

"Start out the same way we had it. Ennoshita is going to go back in and I'll sub Yamaguchi in the back row after we establish a lead I'm comfortable with. Have Hinata hit the quick only when necessary but I want to have him doing regular spikes more often now. They think that most of it is a fluke anyway." I tell the boys and then hear girls screaming. "Ah, the pretty boy must be here."

"What?" Hinata asks and I turn to see our opponent's captain talking to their head coach. The head coach glances at me and I flash him a bright smile. The coach's eyes widen with my excitement of seeing the pinch-server. I really am excited about his serves.

"Get back out there, no need to stare at him," I tell the boys and they begin to go back. I look at the tall blonde and hope he's not the one receiving Oikawa's serve when the time comes. "Bend your goddamn knees or I'll break them."

"Why so angry coach?" Tsukki snickers and I glare at him.

"Don't make me tell you 'I told you so' a second time today," I warn and hear the tsk as he walks away.

Turning back to Oikawa, I can see him wanting to talk to Kageyama but the boy is too engrossed in whatever Hinata is telling him. The pretty boy then turns to me and offers me a bright smile that would make some girl's heart swoon. Mine merely pumps hard with the expectation of his serves. He quirks his head as I don't react and then I turn away and bring my braid forward.

"What was in the box you had sent to the school?" Takeda-sensei asks me from his place on the bench. I look back and yawn slightly, not bothering to cover my mouth.

"Research. I had it shipped to you because I don't want Erwin to know where I live. He'll just watch me from a satellite or something. He's does all the techy stuff along with information gathering," I reply and Takeda-sensei raises his eyebrows above his glasses. He finally figured out why I was dozing off in his class.

"Then if you're really looking forward to this boy's serves, they must be something special," Takeda-sensei whispers to me, trying not to alert the bench players.

I give him a manic smile and then turn back to the brown haired boy on the other side of the court. Oikawa sees me and I can tell that he is somewhat startled by smile. I used to be told that my jealous smile was the scariest thing next to my betrayed face—both things happened more often than you would expect. Looking to my boys, I can feel alive. It is the same as if I was out there waiting for the serve.

"He is the player that I have learned to hate. Trains too hard, isn't a genius or prodigy but has worked for everything that he has accomplished, and is trusted by his team with utmost confidence. He was the player I used to be. Down to the damn serve," I say to the open air in front of me, venom entering the court.

My tone shows just how angry I am at the voices and for every scar on my body. That boy represents all of what could have been for me. I could have been an Olympic athlete. I still could if I would gain some courage but knowing I could and actually doing it are two different things. I cannot understand how I'm still scared but I am.

But my fear, the anger that comes with the fear and makes me hate myself for being a coward, my resentment at not being the person I should be but being a scarred freak, and the jealousy that I house for wishing I could have that boy's skills, fuels my heart. I will overcome this. This is my decision.

I will one day be on that grand stage again. I don't have to stand where the boys stand but I can remain at the sidelines, making them the best they could ever be. They will carry on my legacy. With watching this match and coaching these boys, I think I could continue to coach for the rest of my life, chasing that life that I have lost but accomplishing it through others.

The green-eyed monster just figured out what I wanted.

But how reliable is he, my voice asks.

That I do not know, I reply.

* * *

 **Yay? I don't know anymore. I just keep writing and writing. Comment if you like it, I'm at a loss if you guys like it or not.**

 **As always, follow, fave, review, obsess. Loves yous guys.**


	8. Happy or Sad

**Chapter Eight: Happy or Sad**

* * *

" **Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."**

― **Robert A. Heinlein,** _ **Stranger in a Strange Land**_

" **Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad."**

― **Henry Wadsworth Longfellow**

* * *

The boys slowly started to pull away but with my restrictions of only using Hinata when absolutely needed, we weren't getting the lead I wanted. I was fine with that. As long as Seijoh thinks the quick is still in progress rather than nearly perfected, I still hold an ace. Hinata could also use the regular spiking practice. As it was, he could barely manage to hit the ball when he has quicks, closing his eyes and trusting Kageyama. But with my restrictions and my inability to train them with offense, we're lacking.

The score was 12-9 when I get the feeling that I was being watched intently. I turn towards the practice area of the gym and find Oikawa watching me. Not wanting to scare the boy anymore, I turn back to my boys. The head coach of Seijoh calls a timeout and I bring the boys in for a huddle.

"You guys are doing well with my restrictions," I tell them as they drink water. I assess each player and find that they're not that tired. They aren't what I think they should be at, but they aren't dying. They're going to need stamina training too.

"Why are you making us have restrictions?" Hinata asks as he looks at me with curious eyes. He doesn't have that good of game sense rather being great from raw talent.

"Because you don't take your prize stallion out of the stable if you're not racing in the Kentucky derby," I reply. There was this one girl that used to be on my team and used horse analogies every time she could.

"What?" Kageyama blurts out and I find they're all looking at me like I'm crazy. I throw my hands up in frustration. They can never understand what I'm saying, my style of thinking being mixtures of different countries.

"I don't want them to know how we can play at top performance," I reply in exasperation. They nod their heads, finally understanding my thinking. The whistle blows signaling a minute left and I smile widely at them. "Hands in."

They do as they're told and I put my hand into a fist. They follow the action and then I stick out my thumb and pinky. Hooking Kageyama's pinky with my thumb and Sugawara's thumb with my pinky, I watch as all the boys cautiously follow the motion. Well, all except for Tsukki, who is standing with his hand in a solid fist. I look at him with a raised brow and he shakes his head.

"This is a girl thing," he complains and I glare. He shakes his head and Daichi bumps him. The captain scares him and he finally joins the circle of linked digits.

"May our passes flow. Together we are connected on the court and off of it. Together we win and together we lose. May our hands be swift and our steps sure of themselves. We are a team. This is how we will accomplish our goals. Because alone you are strong but together we are fortified and impenetrable," I murmur as I close my eyes. These boys are seeing every part of me that is still good. I open my eyes to find the boys energized. I yell. "Show them how strong we are!"

"Yes!"

They shout and I send them back into the court with a feeling of euphoria. Right now they believe they can conquer the world and who am I to tell them they can't. I used to believe that too. Now I can't even conquer the demons in my mind. Oh how the tables have turned. Looking at Takeda-sensei I can tell that he's impressed by my motivational speeches. He should tell them something after the game, he's worked hard with me too.

"Takeda-sensei," I whisper and the man turns to me with a questioning look. "After the game, I have to go talk to the coaches, so can you do the ending motivational speech? Just a couple of words of inspiration."

"Are you sure it's not the coach's job?" he sputters nervously and I shake my head softly.

"No I think they should hear from someone other than me once in a while. Besides, you're almost as much as a coach as me. I can never do the stuff you do: arranging matches, preparing plans, being there for emotional support. You have as much as a right as me and I think you would be the more appropriate person," I confess and the man looks at me with wonder. Then he just looks nervous as he nods and looks back at the boys.

I watch as Kageyama receives the ball after the serve and I know someone is going to have to take over. Daichi steps in and sets it for Tanaka, who is blocked. I would have just dumped it over but Tanaka doesn't always think when he plays. He gets so caught up in the motion. Tanaka walks away and I can see his left leg drag slightly, something he probably doesn't even feel. I'm going to have to keep an eye on it.

The game continues on and I get the feeling that something is going to happen. And that feeling makes itself known when Oikawa goes to his coach, finished with his warmup. I look at the score and it's 23-20 us. Checking our back row, I'm somewhat happy and somewhat pissed. Daichi is playing back but the player who is also back row is the tall blonde who can't receive for shit yet. Why does god hate me so?

The whistle blows and I can see that Oikawa is going to sub in for the server. The girls cheer form the stands when he steps on the court and I frown. I go to the official and call a time out, knowing very well that Oikawa isn't going to be stopped but I want Daichi to be more in the middle of the court for the receive.

"Why did you take the timeout?" Sugawara asks as he follows my eyes to Oikawa.

The brown haired boy looks at me and his eyes are haunting. His concentration is truly remarkable and the videos did nothing to prepare me for how he is in real life. I give him a manic smile and we stand there for a second, staring at one another from across the court. We are so similar but at the same time, he's on the court and I'm not. But that doesn't make me any less dangerous.

"Katrina?" Yamaguchi asks and I turn to my team to find them confused as they grab more water.

"Daichi I want you in the center. Oikawa is the pinch server and has a serve that is like mine," I tell the third year. The captain's eyes widen and he nods. When I say they're like mine, they know from the three-on-three that my serves are deadly. I mean, I nearly knocked Tsukki down with them. Talking about the blonde, I turn to him and give him a toothy grin. "He's going to aim at you. He will get it to you. His accuracy is better than threading a needle. Bend your knees and be near the line."

"Okay," he replies in monotone and I'm ready to hit him. I look to my two killer duo and they straighten with my glance.

"Finish them off," I tell them and they nod. "Now get out there and win this so we can go home."

"Yes!" they chant and I don't think I can ever get enough of them replying to my orders. It's great. They walk out to the court and I turn to see Oikawa watching Kageyama. My more protective nature makes me want to rip his eyes out but I have to hold myself back. That doesn't really work and I find that I have taken a step to the court.

"Katrina?" I hear someone say and suddenly I feel like I'm in a bubble.

The world is shifting and I don't think I can stand still. I lose my hearing and realize that I can't stand being this close to the court. This is already too much stress on my mind and the voices start to invade my being. I can hear the guttural whispers but nothing makes much sense. An arm grabs me and reality hits me like a freight train. Taking a step back, I walk back towards the bench. The arm belongs to Sugawara and I pat his hand in thanks.

"I'll be fine, I'm just getting tired," I murmur and he nods his head, but the look he gives me is disbelieving.

I watch as Aoba Johsai sets up against us and Oikawa is standing to serve. He bounces the ball and then twirls it in his hand in a similar way to Kageyama. I do exactly the same thing and I watch as he pinpoints Tsukki. I can see the blonde stiffen with expectation. You told him it was coming to him, my voice complains, he should have known. Yah, but I think Tsukki thinks we're full of shit.

The whistle blows and I watch the brown haired boy take his steps to do a jump float serve. The ball flies across the net and Tsukki tries to hit it. Tries, being the key word. It hits the beanstalk's arm and flies to the right and out of everyone's reach. I can see the blonde look at me and I just shake my head and give him a smirk. Then I shrug and put my hands into the air.

"I don't know what to tell you anymore!" I yell at him and he just turns away, finally bending his knees into the position that I want them to be at.

Oikawa turns to me and I can feel him staring. He realized that the position I put the boys in was mainly to combat his serves and not just something Daichi or Takeda made up. I wonder if his coach told him I was Karasuno's coach. Judging by his face and how he turns to Tsukki in anger, I think not.

The second serve Oikawa gives goes straight to Tsukki once again. But because he bent his knees he got it up in the air. Of course it was an ugly pass by my standards but Kageyama can set it for a quick nonetheless. I watch as Hinata flies in the air. His hand slaps the ball and I watch as it flies right by Oikawa, the boy not moving. He was surprised that the two could complete it with such bad circumstances. Maybe I just let out that we are more powerful than they thought.

The boys start to cheer and I watch as Hinata jumps up and down and Kageyama smiles. Ennoshita and Tanaka are giving each other high fives from a running start and Daichi is smiling at Tsukki, telling the blonde probably how he did a good job. The whistle blows and they go to shake hands. I watch as Oikawa shakes Kageyama's hand and my boy freezes and tenses up.

"What's wrong?" Takeda-sensei asks, feeling my angry aura. I shake my head and then turn to him.

"I leave them to you Sensei. I'm sure you'll do great," I praise as the boys come in.

I nod to them and then walk away to find the other coaches ready to speak with me. Approaching the coaches, all three of us stand motionless for a moment. They don't want to admit that I just made a fool of them and I didn't even coach in the first set. But at the same time, they know that I couldn't have handled them if they were the best from the beginning.

"Thank you for the match. It was a great experience," I break the silence, knowing they're too arrogant to yield to a small girl. I shake their hands and they frown slightly but try to maintain their pleasantries.

"I can say that it was a great match. Have you been coaching your team for long?" the head coach asks, the old man's eyes narrowing. They want to know who I am, what I've done, and how long I've done it.

"Well, not as long as you have," I reply, not giving an answer to the question. I smile sweetly and can see the younger coach glare slightly. Running a hand through his blondish hair, he breathes in deeply, trying to restrain himself. It doesn't work.

"And what experience have you had that a young girl like yourself can coach a team?" the man's voice is hoarse and I can tell he's trying not to yell.

"I've just been playing a very long time," I reply and then bow lowly. Bowing is like my defense mechanism as well as what I do when I'm about to escape a situation. I rise and give them a bright smile. "I'm sorry that Oikawa-san didn't get a chance to play as setter but I'm sure we'll meet you at the Summer Tournament."

"Of course," the head coach says through clenched teeth. I nod to both of them and then turn on my heels, bringing my braid forward. Also another habit that I have gotten when I am thinking of master plans.

My boys are around Takeda-sensei and the man appears to be apologizing for something. He probably gave a very poetic speech—he is a literature teacher after all. But from the looks on the boys' faces, I can tell he did a good job. I'm glad; the teacher had to get some happiness from this club he advises.

"Katrina! I just played in a game!" Hinata yells in my face as I stand in front of the team. I shake his hair and nod. Looking at the boys, I can tell they want me to say something. I don't want to say too much and trump Takeda-sensei. Standing tall, I throw my braid to my back and put my arms behind my back.

"I am very proud of you guys," I announce and each boys' face lights up. Then I chuckle and wave my hand. "Go do a couple of laps around the gym and stretch out. And don't cheat on the stretches, I will know."

They all groan and I laugh at them as they sulk away. They need to cool down properly. I turn to Takeda-sensei and he just looks like he's going to pass out. He sits down shakily and I put a hand on his shoulder to reassure him. He looks up and gives me a grateful smile. I'm glad that he feels better.

For a moment, I just stand still. I choose not to think or to plan or to assess. I just stand still and look at the court. The net somehow sways with some force unknown to me. I don't think I remember the feel of the fabric anymore. The gym floor shines but is dull at the same time; scuffs and sweat painting it like a masterpiece. The sounds of footsteps and shoes squeaking fill the air, but also the sounds of voices. Some voices are happy and energized while others are disappointed and sad. It feels so new.

I can't remember how it felt to touch a net or shake the other libero's hand, commenting on how well they performed. I can't remember how it felt to feel the stadium and spectators roar for me when I lifted an impossible ball into the air. I can't remember the feeling of my teammates coming up to me and whispering in my ear, jokes and sometimes promises to be fulfilled.

But now I feel the boys looking towards me to see if I'm actually paying attention to their cool down. I can feel Takeda-sensei and Kiyoko at my side, waiting to make our next move. I can feel the other coaches wondering how I can turn such a rag tag group of kids into an impressive team. I can feel my own heart clench and beat with adrenaline and happiness.

This feels so new and yet somehow familiar. But it does feel nice. Maybe I can't ever be the old me; I have accept the fact that I'm different now and that Katrina has been lost to me for years. That doesn't mean I can't be this Katrina; that doesn't mean that I can't feel like this and be happy like I used to. Because I try to be happy. I try to make sure those boys are happy. I guess that's what anyone would want. They would want to be happy.

"Katrina?" Kiyoko's soft voice comes to me and I turn to find her next to me with a worried face.

"Yes?" I ask softly, my own voice more quiet than hers.

"Don't cry," she murmurs and I feel my eyes go wide. My hand goes to cheek and I can feel that it is indeed wet with tears, but they're not because of sadness.

"I'm sorry. I'm just so happy."

* * *

The boys were so excited and now it was just making me peeved. In truth I was just getting grumpy because I was so tired. Hinata was jumping around, still having energy built up in his little body. Kageyama was looking at him like he was crazy. The two third years were behind me, talking about strategies and old memories. The second years were chatting about things that I didn't even know. Beanstalk and company were next to me and for once, I was happy about it. They were silent.

"Kageyama please don't hit Hinata. We still need him," I chide and can see a certain brown haired boy waiting for us at the entrance. I can feel my face frown even deeper, having lost all my patience with my need to sleep.

"I know," Daichi says at my back, continuing some conversation I missed. "Even though we won today, if we were fighting against Oikawa and Seijoh at top performance, we would be lacking."

"Spoken like a true captain," Oikawa replies, coming out of his hiding spot. I yawn even though I'm trying to glare and the boy makes eye contact with me. "You know your stuff."

"Go away," I mutter but Tanaka, Hinata and the two boys at my side go into attack mode. They are soon in Oikawa's face.

"What do you want? Do you want to fight?" Tanaka asks Oikawa and Hinata echoes him. I sigh and then march my way up to the front of the pack.

"Go to the bus," I command and the boys look hesitant. I turn around and even they shudder with my violent aura. "Do you want to run suicides when we get home?"

That scared them off and they left quickly, most of them looking back to me nervously. I stand in front of Oikawa and he just smiles at me. I frown and assess his physical shape. It's different seeing him up close than on the TV screen. His stats were pretty right on but I'm going to have to update his new injury scare and the fact he grew an inch or two.

"So you're the new coach? I thought you were a second manager at first, but after looking more closely, I can see that you know your stuff," the boy tells me happily and I just frown even more.

"What business do you have with Kageyama? You were his senpai in junior high but I can see you dislike him. Is it because he's a genius and you're not? Or did he do something, probably stupid, and you can't forgive him?" I ask coldly and watch as Oikawa's brown eyes pierce into me.

"Why are you coaching the boy's team and not playing yourself? They often say that those who can't do, teach, but I know you can play well. You hold yourself like a captain rather than a coach," the boy attacks and I narrow my eyes.

"It's because he's a genius, isn't it?"

"Are you injured? Or did you not get along with the girls?"

"You just want to beat him in the ground."

"You're scared of playing but you can't stay away so you're coaching."

"I hate you," I hiss and the boy's eyes widen. He smirks and then cocks his head, but I open my mouth once again. "Admit it coward, you hate Kageyama."

"I hate Kageyama," the boys hisses this time and I smirk. We both know each other's weaknesses and it kills both of us. We're one and the same. Two sides of the same coin.

"Make sure you plant you right leg more on the second step. You always forget that and that's why you land too hard," I tell him and then turn around.

"Make sure you don't get too close to the court. You look scared and it'll freak out your team," the boy says at my back and I turn around slightly. He frowns exactly like me but I wish he wasn't a crude reminder of what happened to me. He would actually be a cool person if he wasn't me.

"Thanks," I murmur and walk away.

When I get to the bus, I find everyone already on board as I asked them to. Takeda-sensei looks worried and I just give him a tired smile and go to my seat. Quickly taking out my stat book, the bus starts and soon enough we're on our way home. Looking at the pages, I find each player's information and update it. I can feel Sugawara wanting to see what I'm doing but he knows I'm not in the mood.

The two hours of sleep wasn't enough for me to function an entire day. That and I'm already dreading having to ride my bike home. The boys will probably want to get meat buns and I can just eat in there while I send them home. It's not a long way to my apartment after that. I put my book away and then close my eyes for a second.

It obviously wasn't a second when I find Kiyoko gently shaking me. I nod to her and then get up, finding the bus already empty. The boys are probably already in the gym. Heading that way, I find campus quiet and it's getting dark quickly. I'm going to have to take my pills soon. Maybe I should take them now. No, I should be good enough to get home.

"Katrina!" a voice yells and I turn to find Hinata bouncing towards me.

"Do you need someone to close the gym?" I ask him and he shakes his head.

"Takeda-sensei said he would close up so we can go home. Did you ride your bike to school? I did too so we can go get our bikes together," he says quickly and grabs my arm to drag me away.

I can't tell what he's thinking but he is dragging me faster than I would have expected him to. Maybe he's trying to get me away from something. When I plant my feet in the dirt, I can see a panicked expression cross his face and know that he doesn't want me to see something.

"What do you not want me to see?" I ask and then he shakes his head. I look at him more closely and he shakes it even more. I'm going to turn around and find out what he's trying to get me to avoid when I hear an annoying voice.

"Katrina! They told me you left already! Those mean boys don't want me to see you," calls Doctor Suoh's voice and I nearly run away with Hinata.

"Your weird friend is here," Hinata says quietly and I know that he just wanted me to avoid Doctor Suoh because he didn't know him. Hinata thinks he's probably a stalker I have or something. I sigh and then pat Hinata on the back.

"Go get your bike. I'll be there in a minute," I tell him but he hesitates, looking behind me. I give him a reassuring smile and he leaves, looking back to check on me.

I turn around when Hinata is out of sight and glare at Doctor Suoh. Again he doesn't look like a doctor at all. His tan pants are rolled above the ankle with blue dress shoes. His blue cardigan goes with his white t-shirt and blue and white striped scarf. How is he wearing a scarf? It's not that cold yet, my voice snickers. His hair is still black and red and his glasses still round. I shake my head at him and then turn away.

"Katrina! Don't leave me. I wanted to see how your first game went. Did you win?" he fires as he runs up next to me. Walking, I frown at him and he can now see how tired I am. "Why do you look like death?"

"Wow, you really know what to say to a girl. I hope Nurse Ito doesn't get this kind of treatment," I tell the man to see him blanch.

"Has she mentioned me? Even if it was like a, oh, wonderful Doctor Suoh called me and I thought it was the sweetest thing," he acts out and I blanch this time.

"Oh my god! You are not going to use me as an excuse to get together with her. You're not her type," I say and the man begins to whine.

"How do you know?" he asks with childish stubbornness. He even crosses his arms. I look at him like he's crazy and continue walking.

"You're not anyone's type. You're an anomaly that is supposed to spend the rest of their days alone at the clinic in the mountains," I argue and the man groans.

"But I don't want to be alone!" he whines and I stop and turn to him. I look at him with a face that says, 'of course you wouldn't'. The man then gets a bright idea and smiles widely at me. "You'll be with me forever at least. You're weird too."

"At least I have good reasons why I'll be alone. Besides, I don't mind being alone. The silence is nice," I argue back and he just shakes his head.

"Come on!" he yells out and then spins theatrically. "You can't tell me that if you were stranded on an island, you wouldn't pick one person to join you."

"Those are terrible circumstances," I laugh out. The man just shakes his head and smiles widely at me.

"If you had to pick one person to live the rest of your life with, who would it be?" he giggles and I smile at him. "Just think about it."

I sigh and humor the man for once. If I had to be with one person for eternity who would I want? The whole team is just about out. I can't take Tsukki or Hinata, one is an asshole and the other too happy. Kageyama and Yamaguchi would be better but then I would have to deal with their personalities—arrogant and slightly spineless—and I know it wouldn't work. None of the second years and the third years would work; they just don't match up with me. Doctor Suoh is crazy.

Then other boys just talk too much. I would want someone who wouldn't make me talk all the time. Someone who would be content to just sit in the silence with me. So like a plant that I can talk to but wouldn't make me tell them anything before I was ready. Maybe Kiyoko but she's a girl and I don't think I can get used to her being too quiet. It's not the right kind of quiet.

"I really don't know anyone I would want to spend the rest of my life with," I reply to Doctor Suoh and he just deflates into a sad mess. I laugh at him and then we go to get my bike. For once, I don't have to ride home; Doctor Suoh surprisingly got a car.

But I keep wondering if it's just sad that I don't have anyone to spend my life with; maybe I'm just too sad to allow anyone to stay with me.

* * *

"Who do you trust?" comes the monotone voice of my therapist. I cross my legs while laying down and staring at the ceiling. It think I finally decided that the color was an ivory white with a stain finish.

"What kind of question is that?" I snort at the lady. I can tell that she's not amused by my answer. I give her an inch so I don't piss her off too badly. "What is the circumstance?"

"Why must there be a circumstance?" she asks back and I sigh and turn to her. She wears the same skirt or maybe it's just a multiple of the same design.

"Because you can't just ask me who I trust. That's very broad. It has to be more specific, like, who do I trust to watch the team when I'm gone? Or who do I trust to get me a seafood bun if I ask them to?" I offer and I can see her liven up with my examples. She must think this is some kind of fun game.

"Okay, let's start there. Who do you trust to lead the team if you can't do it anymore?" she tells me and I can see the curiosity in her eyes. She probably thinks I'm some neat circus act, the way she's looking at me so brightly.

"Daichi. He's captain and would have had to lead them anyways," I reply and she nods her head, scribbling a single word down. It's probably Daichi's name.

"Who do you trust to provide food for you if you can't get any yourself?"

"My parents. They've always taken care of me." I watch her as she scribbles my answer down her pad, her hand lightly grasping the pencil.

"Who do you trust to make the right calls with your health?" she says, her monotone voice starting to be seeped with excitement. I wonder why she's so excited. Could it be that she is just really interested in this. Or maybe she thought I was more secretive than she thought I was.

"You didn't think I would answer these questions for you," I tell her and watch the woman's eyes widen slightly. Bingo. I face the ceiling once again and chew my lip as I think. "Doctor Suoh hasn't made a bad call yet so I guess he's the person I trust for my health."

"Alright. Who would you trust with your life?" she says and I freeze.

"My life?"

"Yes, well, I guess my question is more who would you trust to make you happy?" she rephrases and I stiffen.

Who can make me happy? I guess things make me happy: like volleyball or eating good food or riding my bike to school. The boys playing makes me happy but I don't trust them to make me happy if they didn't play. My parents are just there, so they don't really make me happy. Doctor Suoh makes me happy by giving me medication but he also hurts me when he turns into my actual doctor.

And what makes her think that I can base my happiness on another person? I can't even base my happiness on me. I do things that make me happy but then I'm fearful and the voices make me insane. Is there a person who I can genuinely say will make me happy for the rest of my life?

Everyone just makes me talk about things I don't want to talk about. They make me interrupt the silence and I think that is what makes me realize that there is no one who can just make me happy. The boys on the team have good qualities but I can see in their eyes they don't trust me. No one trusts me anymore. So I guess, things make me happy, not people.

"There's no one," I tell her after a few minutes of deliberation. The woman is quiet for a few moments and I think she may have left. But turning around to her, I see she's watching me carefully.

"I'm curious about something. Do you trust yourself?" she asks very quietly and I frown deeply.

I hate this question and normally don't answer it. Maybe I shouldn't answer her. But she is a different kind of therapist, my voice mentions and I have to give it that. There is the chance that she can help me with all of my psychological trauma but there is also a chance that she'll just damage me more.

"Never," I admit and can hear her gasp quietly. I hear her get up and know that it's time for me to go. I get up and she has made her way to her desk and sits with a small frown. I can tell she's upset about me. Maybe it's because she hasn't come across a patient like me. "Are you surprised by my answer?"

"Are you?" she echoes and I scowl.

"No. My mind is filled with both voices and a medicated haze. Between my fear from trauma and knowing that people would not accept me, I have resolved myself to not trust myself with anything too important or trust anyone with things I care about. It's no one's fault—not yours, not my parents, not the other doctors. I just don't trust myself because I don't know who exactly I am anymore," I tell her and can see her eyes widen.

She has been very animated today and I can only think this is because she's seeing how damaged I am. I turn on my heel and grab my bag. Making my way to the bakery, thinking about my answer. There is literally no one that I trust fully and that scares me. Because what if I do end up alone. I love the silence but to be alone is to be alone with only myself, which is never truly alone. So even when I'm lonely, I will still never feel the silence. That is terrifying.

At the bakery, the people working the counter are starting to recognize me and quickly give me two orders of the weekly special. It just so happened to be a trio of macaroons and I look at them carefully. I hope Aone likes them. I can't really remember if I like them either. Saying goodbye to my new friends of sorts, I make my way to the station. There seemed to be more tourists than normal and I found that the automatic ticket dispenser had a line. Of course I was last and no one came up after me.

When it was my turn, I looked at the screen in confusion. Trying to remember the buttons Aone had pressed the week before, I found that I was progressing through the options. That was until halfway through and I chose the wrong option, accumulating different passes in my virtual cart. I hit my head against the machine and prayed Aone would get here soon. It was a moment later that I felt a hand lift my head and then proceed through the options.

"Slow down a bit," I whisper in embarrassment and find that Aone does slow down so I can watch his movements.

I watch carefully analyzing each move and seem to finally understand the process. Aone steps back and I put my card in and then wait for him like last week. We were a little late and had to run to our train but go there with some time to spare, so it wasn't a big deal. Our actions were becoming routine and we sat in our unoccupied seats while the train took off. After a few moments, I took out our pastries and opened the bag, the sweet smell of baked items hitting our noses.

"I didn't know if you would like them. I can't remember if I do either," I tell Aone as I pass the bag to him. Gently, he takes out a pink macaroon and I watch as he takes a bite. His face says nothing and I feel the sudden fear that he is going to hate me if it doesn't taste good enough.

"It's good," he announces in a deep voice after he notices me staring. I smile a small and embarrassed smile. He thinks I'm such a weirdo. All I ever do is stare at him. But then again, he can't hate me because I do give him food.

I take out a macaroon and examine the pastry closely. How did they get it to be so pink? I can feel Aone staring at me and I look at him and then back to the sweet biscuit warily. Maybe I shouldn't try it. But then I seem like a coward for not trying a fricken French cookie thing. So, opening my mouth, I take a good sized bite of the pastry and chew slowly.

I can't tell if I like it or not. It's kinda chewy but at the same time crispy and then nutty. I don't think I can handle everything going on here. I swallow rather quickly and then look at the pastry in my hand once again. I don't think I like it, my voice says disgustedly.

That's when I hear it: a low chuckle. I turn to my companion and am surprised to find Aone stifling back his laughter. I frown at him and he just begins to laugh louder. His laughter is deep and it almost seems like it's too serious to be happy but I can tell that he is amused by my actions. The laughter is contagious and after a moment I find I'm giggling too.

"They're weird!" I exclaim in my defense.

Aone's eyes just close as he puts his hand to his mouth. He's smiling so hard that his cheeks must hurt and I know that my face is formed into a large grin. After a while of smiling, the boy opens his eyes and I notice for the first time that they're actually a chocolate brown. They suit him. I find that I've been staring at him for too long and I blush as I hand him the bag of macaroons.

"I like them," Aone declares as he grabs the bag, brushing my fingers with his.

I can feel my face light on fire with the small contact and quickly throw the rest of my half eaten macaroon into my mouth. I chew quickly and then go to my bag to take out a bottle of water and my pills. Opening the bottle, I put two in my mouth and then gulp my water. Replacing the bottle I catch Aone looking at the medication in my hand with interest and concern. Putting it away quickly, I feel my face return to its normal color of pale.

"I'm not dying," I tell Aone when he doesn't make eye contact. He glances at me and gives me a look that says I don't have to tell him anything. I sigh and then turn away, hoping I didn't scare him away. After a couple of minutes of silence filled with only the sounds of devoured macaroons, I decide to ask him some questions to take away from his concern. "Aone, do you live in Sendai?"

My response is a nod and he looks at me with his serious face back on.

"Why do you go to Date Tech? Is it for volleyball?" I ask him after a moment, wondering why he would travel so far to go to a school when Sendai has good ones too.

He nods a second time and I understand his thinking. I don't think there were any strong teams in Sendai when I asked Erwin to send research. He must be really good if he's willing to travel almost an hour to get to school. But at least his school starts later than Karasuno, I always have to miss first period on Thursdays.

"And your parents are fine with you living so far away?" I ask him, suddenly wondering if I'm being too nosy.

"I watch my sister when my mom goes to work, so I have to stay home," he replies and I can tell that it makes him sad. He also only said mom, so maybe his dad isn't in the picture. I smile a sad smile at him and then feel his questioning look on me. He wants to know about me too.

"My parents live in Germany. I've gone to boarding schools all my life so now that I live alone, it's not so bad." I look to Aone and see his eyes widen. I look down at my hands and suddenly feel the urge to soothe his concern for me. "Sometimes I wonder if they miss me but then I remember that they were always gone so we all kind of lack the need to see each other, so I don't technically miss them. I'm just glad I live so close to Karasuno."

For a moment I can see the pity in his eyes but after I smile reassuringly, I think he understands what I'm saying. We never really bonded so I know they're my parents and I love and respect them but I don't have the same connection with them as normal children. To me, they're just the people who provided food and schooling and volleyball gear for me. But after my suicide attempt, they blamed themselves for not being there and they distanced themselves even more from me.

The rest of the ride is spent in content silence. Aone didn't feel bad for me and I didn't feel bad for him. Rather we were two people who recognized the struggles of each other and didn't express emotions. He shouldn't feel sad for me and he knew it. It wasn't something I was sad about. I knew that he had to stay home and even if he was a little sad about it, he was still happy about everything else.

Everyone makes sacrifices for others. Sometimes, you don't want someone to say sorry that you have to do it, rather you want them to say I understand what you're doing. There is no need to be sad if you were happy.

Aone's stop comes up quickly and he rises, trying to give me the rest of the macaroons. I shake my head with a disgusted frown and the large boy smiles down at me. He places the bag into his backpack and then gives me one last small smile. As he makes his way to the door, I have the urge to say thank you but settle for a goodbye instead.

"Have a good day," I tell him quietly a blush coming to my ears. I see him turn as he passes me and his face gets red as he nods once to me. Fulfilling the routine of watching him go, I see he turns back to see me smiling at him. He nods once before he disappears into the distance.

I decide that these mornings with Aone make me happy. Smiling brightly, I turn back around and continue to ride the train.

* * *

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	9. Why Do I Care?

**Chapter Nine: Why Do I Care?**

* * *

" **Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."**

― **Leo Buscaglia**

" **It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being."**

― **John Joseph Powell,** _ **The Secret of Staying in Love**_

* * *

"Takeda-sensei, I am sorry to pressure you, but I need another coach," I tell the glasses teacher and he just frowns slightly.

It appears that he has been having some trouble finding someone to take over as an offensive coach. It's already been a month that the team has been practicing and I can see that the boys are not up to par with both spiking and blocking. They desperately need an offensive coach. The match against Seijoh just proved how great our need was and now I'm getting nervous.

"I know," he replies as we stand outside the gym on the Monday after Aoba Johsai. Practice is supposed to start in five minutes but right now, only Hinata and Kageyama are ready. "I've been looking and I think I found someone."

"Okay. We're going to need him in two weeks at the latest or else I'm going to move on and call someone. I'll call in a favor and at least get a temporary coach until we can find someone," I complain lowly.

The last thing I would want is to have to call someone. If they're from my club, they'll ask me why I'm not playing. They'll know it isn't because I can't and then I'll just be forced to be uncomfortable in my own gym. Ha, you said your gym, my voice teases. I frown at the floor, realizing I am getting too attached to the sport too quickly.

"There's no need," Takeda-sensei reassures and I just give him a reassuring smile. I don't want to make him feel useless.

"We'll figure it out. You're doing pretty well for now, so don't feel like I'm angry at you. I'm just frustrated that I can't teach them everything," I say truthfully, turning away from him and looking towards the gym with a scowl.

I can feel the teacher look at me in curiosity and I just shake the negative thoughts out of my head as I go inside. I can't have him knowing too much about the way I feel. As it is, I think Kiyoko told him I was crying-which wasn't even that bad of crying, like, I can cry way worse. In the gym, I watch Kageyama serve and then watch the ball hit Hinata in the face. The small boy falls to the ground and I shoot a glare at Kageyama.

"He can't take your serve yet," I yell at Kageyama as I pick up Hinata. He has a bloody nose but is still ready to take another serve, popping up and getting back into position. I shake my head and go into worried coach mode. "You need to stop the bleeding before you touch a volleyball. I don't want stains on the balls or the gym floor."

"But-"

"No buts. I'll practice with Kageyama, you go sit in the corner," I instruct and the ginger walks away sulking. I shake my head but feel a small smile coming to my face. "If you don't get hurt anymore and do well at practice, I'll treat you to a meat bun."

The ginger turns around quickly and nods his head a couple of times. Running off he makes sure the blood that is gushing from his nose doesn't fall to the floor. I laugh at his eagerness when I offer food and turn to Kageyama. He's looking at me like he wants a meat bun too, but I can't give it to him that easily. He needs to work a little harder for food than that.

"He can't receive at all," Kageyama mutters under his breath, but the sound still makes it to my coach sensitive ears.

After scowling at him darkly, he puts his head down like a reprimanded child. After he sulks a bit, I give him a soft smile. The brunette frowns as he can discern that I am up to something and he goes to pick up a volleyball from the bin. I get into position, my outfit prepared to play: ankle braces, black spandex shorts, too large red t-shirt, court shoes, kneepads and compression sleeves.

"If you can get a ball past me, I'll give you two meat buns," I yell at Kageyama. The brunette livens up and I know that food is a big encouragement tool for him. "If you can't, you'll get one and I cannot promise it will be curry."

"Prepare yourself," the boy yells and I brush my hands on the gym floor.

The boy spins the ball in his hands and then puts it to his forehead, breathing in deeply. This is more concentration than in the match, my voice laughs. He really wants a meat bun. I laugh at him but can see that he is going to get his meat bun if it kills him-well rather it will kill me.

I watch as Kageyama throws the ball high into the air. He takes the two steps necessary for him to spike and I watch as his hand makes contact. The slap of the ball is heard and I watch the ball fly over the net, floating in the air. But the ball is going to be short, Kageyama knowing that I could receive one if it came directly at me.

In my anger, I hesitate a half second more than normal and then I'm moving quickly. My eyes widen as it makes a sudden drop and I'm diving for it. My calf scrapes the floor and I can feel the gym burn on my skin. But I also feel the ball hit my hands and it makes a perfect pass to where Kageyama would stand as a setter. The gym is silent and I lay on the floor, watching the ball roll away. After a moment, I glare at the boy, and give an animalistic growl.

"You're a meanie!" I yell, not getting up off of the floor.

He didn't even aim for me. Instead the asshole aimed for the front of the court and made me run for it. He knew no normal player would be able to run that quickly for the ball. Kageyama gives me a sheepish look and turns away. I groan loudly a second time and then place my face on the floor. My nose begins to smell the wood and then I'm disgusted by how I actually like the smell.

"That was a great receive," someone to my right says and I turn to see a newcomer.

The boy is short and has black medium lengthened hair with a strip of golden brown in the front. His eyes and large smile screams mischievous; he's going to make some trouble for me. Tanaka was the one bragging about him. Now I'm going to have two boys that will try to get out of the cooldowns and morning runs.

Examining further, I know from his height he must be the libero I've been waiting for. The boy extends his hand and I can hear Hinata yell at Kageyama about something. I put my face back down and give another groan. I'm already moody and it hasn't even been ten minutes. I think that maybe Mondays are the worst days. But what's the best day then? Thursdays, my voice ponders and I can only guess it's right.

"You're late, but so is everyone. And it's all because everyone always tries to stagger in ten minutes after I want to begin practice to miss stretching. But they're not going to get out of it," I tell the boy as I get up, not taking his hand. Looking at my calf, I give a frustrated yell when I see the skin has lifted up and left the pink patch that comes with floor burn. "So go stretch and then warm up with everyone when they decide they're going to grace us with their presence."

"Um," the boy falters next to me and I turn to see him confused. I raise an eyebrow and figure that he doesn't know who I am. I put a hand on my hip and find my braid mussed up with the fall. I probably landed and pulled on it when I rolled. The boy doesn't make a move as I take out the elastic in my hair.

"I'm your coach and you're the libero who got suspended. Just in case you were wondering," I tell him and the boy's eyes widen.

He immediately looks at me in a sweeping motion, making some kind of assessment. Then he walks around me two times and I grow angrier in my moodiness. Damn kid thinks he can size me up. He's only an inch or two taller than me and that kinda urks me. I guess he finished his assessment because he comes to my front and has the widest smile I've ever seen. I clutch my braid tighter.

"You're our coach?" The boy exclaims with wide eyes. I can't tell if they're happy or excited or completely insane. I wait for something else to happen but the boy merely looks at me in wonder. Then he asks the question that I absolutely abhor. "Why aren't you on the girl's team?"

I frown at him and he can see that his question didn't make me happy. I glance at Hinata and Kageyama to see them both tense. They know I hate the question. The rest of the boys walk in a moment later and I wave them to come over. The libero stands there, unsure of what's happening. When all the boys are around me a moment later, I speak.

"Okay, I know I haven't really established any rules as a coach but I think it might be time," I announce to them and the whole team looks at me with scared faces.

"What kind of rules?" Daichi asks suspiciously and I just sigh deeply.

"Sit down, it's hard to make rules when you guys are all taller than me," I say and I watch the boys lower themselves to the ground.

I begin to pace in front of them as I think about what rules my coach had made when I was a player. They didn't really give me rules. I lived, breathed and worked volleyball 24/7. But what rules did he give to the girls who were unruly? I put my hands to my temples. The motion doesn't help me and I run my hands through my hair, taking the last of the braid out. God, it's too long.

"Katrina, you're bleeding," Yamaguchi tells me quietly and I look down at my leg.

It is indeed bleeding, the red liquid going down into my ankle brace. The brown haired boy takes a band-aid out of his bag and hands it to me. Bending over, I can feel my hair come forward. Brushing hands with Yamaguchi, I take it gratefully, giving him a large smile. The boy blushes slightly and I look to the rest of my team to find them looking at me like I'm an angel.

The second and first years are red-except Tsukki who is staring at me like it's bothersome to wait. Daichi and Sugawara are looking at me like proud parents, a look I haven't gotten in a long time. No one has looked at me like they are right now and it's weird. What are they thinking? I start to feel uncomfortable with the looks and snap my fingers at them.

"Stop that!" I announce and they return to their regular selves, albeit a couple of slaps to their own faces. Looking at them returned to normal I start with the rules. "Okay, we'll start with three cardinal rules when it comes to me. Number one: do not ask me why I'm not on the girl's team. I'm not, I'm coaching you. That's all you need to know."

"Okay!" Hinata announces, wiggling in his spot.

The blood has disappeared from his face and I'm left with a ball of energy. Looking at the others, they merely nod and I sigh. Taking a moment to think, I finally put the bandage on my leg, my hair invading my face. When I raise my head and throw my hair back from the scalp, I find the boys all blushing at me once again. I scowl and snap my fingers a second time. The pink in their cheeks doesn't leave and I sigh deeply, knowing this is as good as it's going to get.

"Number two: if I don't want to talk about it, we're not going to talk about it. Don't force me. I will not be happy and I will probably still not tell you. So don't try, okay?" I ask after a moment of odd staring. The nods come at very different times from one another and I wonder if they're evening listening. I glance at Tsukki and he just stays blank faced.

"Okay," he chimes in with a slightly teasing voice. I chew the side of my lip and think of another rule. It hits me like a freight train when I see the new boy's hand raise in the air.

"Who are you exactly?" He says bluntly and I point at him.

"Katrina Hitz," I say quickly and then go on with my last rule. "Third rule: do not ask me about my past. No digging in to know who I am. It's nothing interesting and I will just be angry."

"But-" the libero starts but with me shaking my head, the boy stops. I hiss at their pink faces and then my hands make a motion like I'm strangling something. They clench and unclench and I start to feel anxious with the boys staring at me like they are. Really, I'm not doing anything different!

"No buts," I yell hysterically, the googly eyed stares of my team finally getting to me. I blush slightly and then look at the ceiling, placing my hands on my hips. "These are the rules and they start now. If you feel that you doubt what I'm teaching you or think you want to try something else, you come to me. I won't be angry if you say I'm bad at my job. You guys and how you progress is what's important. I'm tough so I can handle a little criticism."

When I look back at the boys, I wonder if they're going to start thinking I'm crazy. Sometimes you are, my voice reminds and I can't help but agree. But when I look back at the boys, they're smiling. Not creepy smiles that they had a moment ago but trusting smiles. I could only suppose it was because I told them that they're more important than my pride or my feelings.

"You're a really good coach," Tanaka finally exclaims, the boys starting to bounce with excitement. I give them one raised eyebrow.

"Thank you?" I ask a little unsure. Did they not think I was a good coach before? They all smile and I could only picture them as dogs with their tails wagging a million miles an hour. My face fits into a content smile and then I wave at them. They get up, starting to understand my hands movements more and more. "Go stretch and warm up. And no cheating!"

"Awww," I hear Hinata whine but I give him a stern look and most of the boys disappear a moment later. The two that remain are the third years, who are giving me proud smiles. Daichi stands with his hands crossed over his chest and looks like I just scored a winning touchdown. Sugawara has hands folded at his chin as he gives me the 'proud mother who might start crying' look.

"Okay, what was all that about?" I ask them in a rough voice, embarrassed with the staring. They turn wide-eyed and then resume their happy looks.

"Well," Daichi starts and when I lower my chin and give him a look that says murder, he freezes. "Well, they noticed you were a girl."

My eyes go wide and I force myself to give them a smile. They noticed, I, was, a, girl. Wait, what the fuck did they think I was? A fucking elephant? A boy? I can feel my face tremble with my anger and the two boys start to notice their mistake. Smiling, I can tell they know I'm going to lose it.

"They noticed I was female?" I ask through clenched teeth. Daichi puts his hands up to stop my rapid advance towards them. I stop and bring all my hair forward grabbing a chunk of it. I wave the brown strands in front of Daichi's face with an angry smile.

"And what did you think I was? A monkey with beautiful hair? Or am I a crow? What was I before?" I spit. Maybe I'm overreacting. No, I think this is okay, my voice chuckles.

"What I meant to say was that they noticed you were pretty," Daichi says quickly and I can feel my face go through multiple emotions. It fits into hysteria.

"I wasn't pretty! You thought I was an ugly monkey!" I scream and then turn quickly. "You noticed I was pretty! Oh my god. How ugly was I before? I was probably really ugly when I wouldn't try to look nice."

My mind goes through the thought that wasn't what he meant. But am I pretty? I have scars and am too skinny. My face and skin is too pale to look healthy. My hair is too thin to be called beautiful. I don't dress like a girl, always covered up when I'm not in my uniform. Wait, if they thought I was ugly, then I must have been horrendous at seven in the morning. Oh my god, I must look terrible in front of Aone.

When was the last time I was told I looked nice? When did I last hear that I was pretty? Not in two years, that's for sure. How about in Switzerland? No, it had to be before then too. Maybe it was when I won the national tournament. But I didn't hear I was pretty. I was told I was loved and that I made people proud. I could very well be ugly.

You are ugly! You can't believe that with these scars that you could be pretty. You are stupid for believing that anyone could like you. You are stupid and they are watching. We have to leave. You ugly girl we have to leave and go home. The venom is in our veins. The venom must be released. You must make more scars. It doesn't matter because you can never be pretty again.

I find that I'm crouched in a ball while kneeling. My hands are clutching my head and my mouth is muttering things in different languages. I dig my nails into my scalp and try to even out my breathing. The voices simmer to the back and I try to stand. I fall but push myself up, looking at the empty gym. I'm glad that the other boys have already taken their run outside and haven't witnessed my breakdown.

"That's not what I meant. Are you okay?" Daichi says as I feel him at my back. He's scared. I could hear it in his voice.

I turn around to see him scared. I can feel tears come to my eyes with anger and disappointment. The tears are mostly because of the voices but I push against them harder. My lip trembles with the knowledge that I could very well be very ugly. Not that it matters. But in the back of my mind I feel sadness. I bet Aone thinks I'm ugly. That makes me the most sad out of everything.

"Aone must help me because he feels sorry for me. No one would be nice to an ugly person who doesn't even look like a girl. He must think I'm hideous," I blubber and Daichi turns white with my breaking. Sugawara comes to me and blocks my vision of the captain.

"No it's just that we've never seen you movie star pretty. Your hair is always with a braid so we didn't know you were that gorgeous. You aren't ugly. You're very pretty," Sugawara reassures me. He puts his hand to my face and tries to clear the tears that haven't fallen yet.

"I'm pretty?" I ask in a small voice, the garble of the voices in the background.

"Extremely," he replies with a reassuring smile.

I feel scared and I don't know how to comfort myself. The voices aren't going away like they normally are. I want to go home but I know that that's dangerous. I have to focus on something else. Sugawara is speaking again but the voices are too loud and I watch his mouth move, not understanding. The boy looks slightly frightened with me not answering and I have to reassure him that it's okay.

I grab the front of his sweater with a gentle hand. The boy stiffens and I pull him into me for a moment. When he realizes I'm trying to hug him, he puts his arms slowly around me. I push my face into his chest and then wrap my arms around him. I can feel myself start to cry silently, the tears wetting his sweater.

"I'm sorry. Please don't be scared. I'm sorry that I scare you," I apologize and the boy pulls me closer and rests his head on top of mine.

"I'm just worried," he tells me as I rub my face into his chest.

"I was just scared. I'm sorry I scared you. I'm sorry," I repeat like a broken record.

These boys don't know what scares me and I think maybe I should tell them. But with that comes the realization that they might reject me. The tears flow harder but I make them cease. After minutes that I didn't count, I release the silver haired boy and turn away. I'm ashamed of my actions.

"Are you alright?" Daichi asks as he comes to me. I nod and wipe my face to take away the last tears away.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that," I reply, taking a glance at Sugawara. The boy looks at me worriedly.

"What are you scared of Katrina?" He asks softly, coaxing me to tell him. I shake my head with fear. Sugawara notices my anxiety and takes a quick glance at Daichi. When he looks back he just smiles a sad smile. "Okay, you don't have to tell us but if you need help, we'll be here."

I nod and then watch the other boys come into the gym. I place a smile on my face even though I know my eyes are red. The others don't seem to notice and the two third years go to join the group. Sugawara glances back at me but I offer a reassuring smile. I know he didn't like me not answering his question.

But how am I supposed to tell him that thing that most frightens me is myself?

"He's a coward!" I hear the new libero exclaim. My face crunches into a frown and I walk over to the group.

"Don't say that about our ace," Tanaka argues. I watch the libero's face turn angry.

"A cowards a coward no matter what!" He shouts and I flinch with the hate in his tone. "It's like I said before, if Asahi-san isn't here then I'm not either."

He goes to leave and I can tell his teammates want to go after him. The door opens when I give a heavy sigh. Stepping forward I watch the short boy's advance come to a halt. He looks back at me and I can tell that in his anger he's going to yell at me and it's not going to be anything nice. He's going to hurt me but for the team I have to be put into the crossfire.

"If you leave them you're just as much a coward. And who are you to say what man is a coward? You have your fears just like him," I tell him with a strong voice. His hand makes a fist and the other clenches his red shirt.

"I won't play without him," he yells and I give him a small smile.

"I won't play at all," I tell him. The boy's eyes widen and I can feel my own team curious with my answer. This is as much as I can offer to Sugawara. I glance at him and he is listening carefully. "I'm a coward. But if you knew my reasons I don't think you would say that about me. You don't know why he can't play or why he's scared to."

"Why would I need to?" The boy asks with a hiss. I take a step and he takes one back, intimidated by me. I cock my head.

"Why wouldn't you want to? You seem to fear something. We all do, none of us come without our faults. But that doesn't mean that we don't have each other to help. If your ace doesn't see that, then he was never your ace to begin with. I'll talk to him, but I can't guarantee he will return."

"Then you expect me to stay? Without knowing if Asahi-san will come back?"

"Yes," I say defiantly. The boy's eyes widen and he turns his back. "If you leave now, don't come back. Don't abandon them and then expect a warm welcome. If I get your ace back and you aren't in the gym when I bring him, then you won't play with him again. But you can't expect me to let you back in after you decide that the fear is stronger than your loyalty."

"Who the hell do you think you are?" the boy roars and turns around. He advances on me in anger and grabs a fistful of my shirt. The boys at my back give yells but I put my hand up to silence them.

"I am coach of this goddamn team, but a long time ago I abandoned the very girls who trusted me. It was the worst decision that I have ever made but I thought I had no other choice. That is why I don't play, because I have the decency to know that I am a coward. I don't want the same to happen to you. You have a decision to make, so don't worry me about you if you take a step out this gym. Because lord knows I will worry about you because I have walked down your path," I tell him and watch his face grow scared with my warning.

The boy's hand falls from my shirt and I step away. I keep my face as blank as I can but I'm sure that the frown I had been nursing is showing. The boy looks as if he's debating with himself and I turn back to the team. They look at me with both sadness at the possibility of never playing with the libero but also trust that I can do what I will say.

"Katrina," Daichi starts but I shake my head.

"Go start spiking drills. I'll be there to receive in a bit. And Tanaka you better have stretched," I instruct and I receive nods and a single groan. When I turn back to the libero, I find him still debating. "I can give you a day if you want it."

"That won't be necessary," he responds quickly after. I nod once and the boy gets a large smile on his face. I can only hope that he loves the sport more than he is fearing not playing with his ace.

"So, you any good?" I chuckle and his face blanches.

"Uh, yah," he exclaims. I laugh out a moment later and we make our way to the court. The voices are still in my mind and I can only pray that I can make it through the day.

"Katrina Hitz," I announce as I put out my hand. The boy takes it and shakes it firmly, the excitement of playing charging his soul.

"Yuu Nishinoya," he replies and then runs off to the court. I watch as he receives Tanaka's hard spike. He's good, almost as good as I am. Maybe even better since I suck right now.

Looking over my team I find Sugawara is looking to me as he sets for the other second years. I smile reassuringly as I notice his worried frown. He gives me a bright smile back and I sigh as he turns away. I frown slightly, hoping I didn't give them too much of my backstory. Because I don't want them to worry about me. I don't even know why they worry at all.

* * *

"Why do people worry?" I ask as I stare at an ivory colored ceiling. Though right now it looks more buttercup yellow than white.

"What do you mean?" My therapist asks in a single tone. I fold my hands behind my head and bring my legs into my body.

"I mean why do people worry about people they barely met?"

"I suppose it would be because you care about that person," she replies. I chew the inside of my cheek and contemplate that.

"Why do people get so attached to people so quickly? I mean you try to stay away from them but it doesn't work. I still worry about people who I met a month ago. I don't want to do that," I confess. I worry about the boys and I worry about Takeda-sensei. I worry about this therapist. I worry about my parents and Doctor Suoh.

"Well have you thought that maybe they need you to worry about them?"

"So they know I care about them?" I ask back.

"I suppose."

I wonder if that's the reason why I worry, because I know they need me to worry about them. The boys need someone to make sure they stretch and eat lunch and cool down. Takeda needs me to coach them and help him and reassure him that he's doing a good job. My parents need someone to tell them they aren't terrible parents. Everyone needs some part of me. But I don't want them to, because that means I can be rejected.

"I still don't like it," I tell the woman as I turn to her. She shrugs her shoulder though it doesn't seem human.

"You don't have to. You just have to acknowledge that they mean something to you," she tells me and I watch her mouth form the tiniest of smiles. "You're done for today. I'll see you next week."

"'Kay," I chant and then get off of the chaise.

No other words are exchanged as I leave the room. I walk through the sterile halls of the hospital and see those who are visiting the sick. Mothers and fathers, daughters and sons, all with stories untold and hidden, worrying about that which they can't control. It makes my heart clench and I run out of the hospital. Making my way to the bakery, the old man who owns the business already has my order ready.

"Do you visit someone?" He asks as I take the bag. I pay in cash and shake my head.

"I'm not dying so don't worry," I tell him when pity enters his eyes. His face fits into a sad smile and I give him a shining one as he gives me back my money.

"This one is on the house," he tells me and I feel my cheeks ache with the smile I give him.

"Thanks. I'll see you next Thursday," I promise and I walk out the building.

The bus is quiet and when I get to the station it also is emptier than usual. I make my way to the devil machine and touch the screen. Progressing through the options, I find that I actually got the ticket I wanted without anything else. As I go to pay, I put my card in with a bounce in my step. I actually did it. You really should thank Aone, my voice says, he was the one who helped us. I should thank him.

As I get my ticket, I turn around and then scan the crowd for my companion. I don't see him and the minutes tick by as the intercom announces arrivals and departures. I swallow with anxiety when my train comes into the station and I don't see the light-haired boy. The countdown for my train starts and I turn with one last glance of the crowd. Running to catch my train, I find that I'm in earlier than I thought.

As I enter I check the space with hope. My seat is empty as well as the one that belongs to the silent boy. I feel my heart sink in sadness as I don't see him there. I hope he's okay. The doors of the train starts to close and I turn with hope to the other side and the crowd. I can't see him and I turn my back, my shoulders slumped in disappointment. Check one more time, my voice urges.

Doubting my mind, I check back just in case. But I find for once, my voice is wrong. I can't see him in the crowd and I sigh. Trying to smile, I go to my seat. The others who are regulars look at me with sad expressions. They also have gotten used to our actions and the change is unwanted. The train shakes and I sit with a plop, while a grunt and heavy breathing is heard. Turning quickly, I jump out of my seat.

"Are you okay?" I ask as Aone is kneeling on the train floor.

I go to him and grab his arm to pick him up. I don't really exert that much effort because he stands on his own. Holding his arm, I examine him worriedly. He doesn't seem to be hurt, only tired from running to the train. The boy finally nods at me and I let a breath go that I didn't know I was even holding.

"Don't scare me like that. I was worried!" I chide and his brown eyes widen with my statement.

Releasing his arm, I blush heavily with listening to my own words. Going to our seats I find the other people on the train watching us expectantly with excited smiles. I want to glare but figure I shouldn't piss off the people we'll see every Thursday. Sitting down, I smile as I go to my bag to find our pastries. Aone catches his breath as he sits next to me. Quickly opening the paper bag, I find slices of loaf cake.

I can discern banana nut bread and another that looks like lemon. The other two seem to be chocolate and possibly a pound cake. Leaning the bag towards Aone, I watch as he too peers into the bag. His eyes makes a curious expression on his otherwise serious face. I can feel a smile come to my face, happy that he is excited. He turns to find me watching him and I hold back the blush at getting caught smiling at him. He nods his head to me as I push the bag to him.

"You first," he says gruffly and I shake my head.

He just shakes his head in response and I smile widely as I open the bag. Taking out the lemon one I take a bite. It's delicious and I close my eyes as the waves of lemon flavoring hit me. I open my eyes and turn to Aone to find him looking at me. He blushes slightly and I wonder why he is smiling at me as I peer up at him.

"They're fresh," I tell him as I give him the bag. He takes it in his right hand and I notice something isn't right with his fingers. I finish my lemon cake quickly and then command the large boy, "Show me your hand."

The boy shakes his head as he tries to hide his right hand. I raise a single eyebrow and grab his arm. The boy panics and I pull his sleeve as he switches our cake to his left hand. I pull his arm to me and he squirms uncomfortably as I grab a hold of his hand. His middle finger is swollen at the second joint and has purple bruising.

"You haven't gotten it x-rayed," saying the statement knowing if he did go they would have put a splint on it. The boy tries to take his arm back but I give him a deadly look.

"It's nothing," he grits out and I gently poke his finger. He jumps slightly with the contact, the finger possibly broken. I open his hand and then tentatively feel if the joint is dislocated. It feels more like a jam than a break but he has to get it in a splint nonetheless.

"Did you get it while blocking?" I ask as I turn his hand over to see that the swelling is no better at the base of the finger on his palm. Glancing at Aone he frowns deeply but doesn't answer. "While receiving?"

He looks away from me and I know that he got it while receiving. I hope he didn't intertwine his fingers. If he did, when he received he would have broken fingers on the other hand too. I gesture for him to give me his other hand but he shakes his head. I glare and then hold his hand with my left. I reach for the other arm with my right to grab his left sleeve. It turns into a battle with Aone struggling and I pulling his sleeve, careful not to lose his right hand in the process.

"Damnit," I hiss as I pull his arm harder, people starting to stare. The boy finally gives up and I look at his left hand and find it fine. I take the bag of pastries away from him and he frowns even more deeply. "I'm going to splint your finger. You have to get this x-rayed tonight and you better not go to practice and expect to play."

Aone groans and tries to wiggle his large hand out of mine. I hiss at him for acting like a child and intertwine our fingers to get him to not move. The contact of my fingers next to his bruised finger, makes him stop. I give the pastries back to him and then dig in my satchel. Books have been steadily replaced with stomach medicine and paper tape and a small first aid kit with several splints.

I take out one along with some paper tape and elastic tape. I can feel Aone watch me carefully with a large frown. I don't really care if he gives me dirty looks. He has to get it in a splint before he shatters or further injures the ligaments. Putting the things on my skirt, I put my legs up on the seat and fold them Indian style. I continue to hold his hand as I turn to him. He looks at the things that I pulled out of my bag and I look up at him.

"It's going to hurt a bit. Tell me if its too tight but you're going to have to ice it for the swelling," I tell him and he continues to frown.

I can feel my face give him a sad smile and I look down suddenly. Who am I to make him do something he doesn't want to? I'm such a hypocrite. I don't want people to push me but I'm pushing him to do things he's obviously uncomfortable with. But looking at his hand, I feel my throat close with pain. It must hurt him. How long has he had it like this? Has he gone to practice and pushed his finger to the limits?

Why hasn't he told anyone? If he was playing with it like this, he must be working so hard. He loves volleyball so much to put up with this pain. He shouldn't have done it though. I don't want him to be hurt like this. I know how it feels and I would push myself in practice. Now I know why my mom yelled at me for not telling her about my sprained ankle in fifth grade.

"I'm sorry. If you don't want me to splint it, I won't. But I just worry about you," I tell the boy in a small voice. I slip my hand out of his, the extremity suddenly cold without his hand. "I don't want to see you hurt like this."

I turn away, not making eye contact with Aone. I feel embarrassed and sad and just so full of worry. Not making a move, I try to push back all of these feelings into a box. But just when I think I won't feel anymore, I feel a hand tugging my white sleeve. Looking at the culprit, I trace it back to the boy next to me.

"I'm sorry," he apologizes and is red in the face. I give him a frown and shake my head.

"It's my fault, I was forcing you. You don't have to feel bad about it. It's not your fault," I argue and he shakes his head.

His face is fitted into a small smile as he hands me his injured limb. The hand lays on my knee and I feel my breath catch in my throat at seeing it again. I take it in my small hands and notice that his hand is not only wide but his fingers are thick and long. He has callouses, more than I could imagine a person having.

I smile at it, realizing he trusts me to a certain extent if he's going to allow me to fix him. Taking the splint from my skirt, I place it tenderly on his finger. His thumb twitches with the pain but I quickly move on. Grabbing the paper tape, I wrap it going as quickly as I could with the least pain. After that is done, I rip the end and then grab the blue elastic tape. I wrap over the splint and then have to bite it to cut the thicker roll.

"There you go. You have to get it checked tonight. I think it might be sprained but if you played with it, it might be broken," I instruct as I inspect my handiwork.

Aone grunts at my side and I know he might not listen to me. I look up at him and he can see my doubt. The boy gently takes his hand back from me and grabs something in his pocket. He brings out his phone and opens it, gesturing to me. I can only figure he wants my phone, so I put all my medical supplies into my bag and bring out my phone

The boy then does something that is beyond my technological understanding and when he hands mine back, I find a new contact to my address book. The total now being a whopping four people. Quickly glancing at him I find him giving me a small smile as I look at my phone in wonder. He gave me his number. Is that normal? But then again, I don't think we're very normal.

"Can I text you?" I ask a little unsure. I don't remember a boy ever giving me their number before. Aone nods furiously and I give him a large smile. "Okay, I'll text you tomorrow."

Aone nods again and then we turn away, both of us embarrassed by our eagerness to speak again. My cheeks are burning and I feel Aone slide the paper bag to me as I sit correctly. I take out the chocolate cake and taking a peek at Aone, I find him happily chomping on the pound cake. I'm happy.

For the rest of the ride we sit in silence, eating cake and watching the people get on and off the train. A couple of times I would look at Aone's hand and feel worried. He would always catch me and then give me a small nod to reassure me that he would be fine. When it was his turn to get off the train, I grabbed his sleeve as he stood.

"Please get it checked out and don't practice until the doctor clears you. I don't want you to get even more hurt," I confess to him. The boy looks down at me with a serious expression and I wait for something to happen. His injured hand grabs my small one and he squeezes gently.

"I promise, so don't worry," he tells me and I squeeze his hand softly.

"Somehow, I think I'm always going to worry about you," I sputter nervously, my mouth spilling the words before I could think about them.

The boy turns red and I join his shade for the millionth time that morning. He releases my hand as the doors open and gets off the train. I turn to see him walk away. But he suddenly turns around halfway through and watches me through the window. As the trains starts to move I give him a bright smile and a wave. He nods and then I'm out of view.

Why do I worry about him?

Because you care for him, my voice laughs out.

But why do I care?

* * *

 **Hey everybody. Sorry for the late chapter. Finals got hectic and we got a new supervisor at work. Im tired but I want to say thank you for all your reviews. They mean a lot! Hope you like the story.**

 **As always, follow, fave, review, obsess.**


	10. Foes, Doubt, Envy, Hope

**Chapter Ten: Foes, Doubt, Envy, Hope**

* * *

" **Inventory:"**

 **"Four be the things I am wiser to know:**

 **Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.**

 **Four be the things I'd been better without:**

 **Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.**

 **Three be the things I shall never attain:**

 **Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.**

 **Three be the things I shall have till I die:**

 **Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye."**

― **Dorothy Parker,** _ **The Complete Poems of Dorothy Parker**_

* * *

Okay, so I just realized I have never text a boy before. You know, I was in a psyche hospital for two years and before that, it was only volleyball. So in reality I have no fucking idea what this meant. But now I'm stuck with it. And Aone expects a text today and I am just stressing out.

"Hinata your hands," I yell from across the gym as I watch the ginger running with his hands together. It's a bad habit and I have yet to break it.

"Katrina," someone calls from the doorway and I shift my glance from the boys. It's Takeda-sensei and he looks out of breath. What really surprised me was that he called me by my first name. He must be running on autopilot. Walking over to the small teacher, he hands me a paper.

"Someone is here to see you. They told me to give you this," he says and I take the paper from him. It's folded halfway but when I open it up, it has a single word in German: sin. My body freezes with realization of who it is. I crumple the paper in my hand and then consider not going to meet them. My teacher watches me as he catches his breath and I give him forced smile.

"Is this all?" I ask the teacher and he surprisingly shakes his head.

"I scheduled a practice match for the final day of the training camp week. We'll be taking the trip soon," he informs me as I give a single nod.

"I'll ask for details when I come back. You stay here and I'll get rid of our visitor," I reply darkly, stepping out of the gym.

Walking swiftly, I'm only glad that I'm still in my uniform and not my practice clothes. Then they'll know for sure that I can play. I take my tie off and wrap it around my braid, unbuttoning my shirt slightly in case I need the freedom to move. The man has always been a loose canon.

Going through the halls of the school, I try to swallow the burning hot rage in my throat. Erwin did sell where I was to someone. And it was probably the worst someone that I wanted to deal with right now. Looking at the front of the school from the entrance, I could see him.

The German man was still skinny and he was still tall. His hair was still a blonde buzzcut and his eyes were still blue. He wore a navy suit and when he turned to me, I could find some things had changed. He had acquired a piercing in his eyebrow, the silver hoop only accentuating his light eyebrows. He also looked older, but considering we were only ten years apart, he still was relatively young.

" _What do you want Gil?_ " I hiss in German. The few Japanese students ran off with the harsh language and we were left alone in the sunset.

" _Oh you're just as much as a sourpuss as I remember. Did I interrupt your practice?_ " he asks in a teasing tone and comes to me. He stands and looks down at me from his six foot status while I merely curl my lip back in a sneer.

" _Erwin tell you where I was_?" I hiss bringing my braid forward to keep my hands from strangling his neck.

" _You really do hate me don't you?"_ the man asks as his face turns into a surprised grin.

" _I don't know, let me think about it_ ," I put my hand to my chin and then snarl. " _Of course I do. You abused me for an entire season._ "

" _Oh but Katrina, you weren't even good in Switzerland; I was merely trying to help you. I still can't understand what went wrong with you,"_ my old coach remarks.

His eyes give away his malicious nature and I clutch my hair harder. This is the man that coached me in Switzerland. The one that I received many a blow from. The one who laughed at me when the girls said the cruelest of things to me. He is a mean man who, if you don't give him what he wants, he'll make your life a living hell. Let's just say I didn't give him the best libero in the country.

" _What the fuck are you here for?"_ I grit out and the man looks at me with wide eyes.

" _You got more spunk than I remember. There was a time you wouldn't even look me in the eye,"_ he comments and I release my braid, making fists at my sides.

" _I'm not afraid of you anymore. Now what do you want? I'm busy unlike you unemployed asshole,"_ I jab and I can see the man's eyes narrow.

" _I'm putting together a team to take to nationals,"_ he starts and I feel my eyes widen. Before he can go on, I belt out in voracious laughter.

" _And you want me?"_ I giggle and when the man only frowns at me, I start the roaring laughter again.

" _I know you haven't left the sport completely. Erwin said you needed information, so you're competing again,"_ he reasons and I wipe the tears that have come from my eyes.

" _I refuse. You have the audacity to come here after all the shit you put me through and win me over. You're crazy!"_ I yell at him and the man smirks.

" _Well I would say the crazy one is you,"_ he says calmly and I suddenly have a fist swinging around into his stomach.

My right hand hits him hard, and my knuckle aches. The impact sends him curled over and he struggles as he loses air. I have half the mind to hit him a second time but just move my hand up into his hair. Grabbing some strands I roughly pull and turn his ear to my mouth. I turn his head in an unpleasant angle and drag some strands from their roots.

" _You're damn right I'm crazy. Now get the fuck out of here before I call the cops,"_ I whisper gently, my voice scarily calm. I throw his head back and turn around swiftly.

As I walk away I can hear the man cough and then get up. What I don't expect is for him to be dirty and come at me from behind. That's precisely what he does as he grabs my long hair and pulls me back. My neck aches with the yank and I nearly fall. Turning around, I try to hit him but the man merely grabs my arm and turns it around on me. He pulls my arm uncomfortably around me and I squirm in his grasp.

" _You will join my team. They fired me because of you! You owe me that much!"_ He screams.

My breath hitches and his free hand comes forward and wraps around my neck. His breathing is on my neck and I shiver with him being this close. The hand curls around my throat and my breathing ceases. I start to squirm harder and try to throw myself from his hold but it doesn't work. He pushes harder and I know I'll have bruises with the pressure of his fingers. The man keeps a firm grasp on my neck and I find a way out. I bite down on his other arm that has come around and he drops me unceremoniously.

" _Get away from me_!" I yell as I scramble away from him. The man is in rage and I watch as his blue eyes bulge in anger.

" _You crazy freak,"_ he hisses as I get up and comes at me again. I ready a fist but it isn't needed.

A boy stands next to us and has a good fifteen pounds on Gilbert. His brown hair is in a bun and he hasn't shaved in a little bit, but he wears the school uniform. Gilbert straightens and I take a step towards him. The blonde man glares but then looks at the large boy who stands next to us, knowing he will stop him from going at me.

" _Get out of here and if I see you again, I will have the cops arrest you. I will never join you, so leave me alone,"_ I hiss and the stranger stiffens with my venomous tone.

" _That's what you think Katrina,"_ Gilbert coos and I step forward to punch him again.

The stranger grabs my arm gently, not wanting the fighting to continue. His blank face looks at me but his eyes scream scared. I want to fight Gilbert but if I do, I risk getting even more injured. If we call the cops now, Doctor Suoh will have me back at the clinic in no time. I can't risk my freedom. I can't back now.

I don't even care that I'm hurt anymore, I just want to maintain my freedom. Gilbert is causing all this shit and he has to go. Looking at him I snarl and Gilbert takes one last glance at me before he leaves. Waiting until he is out of sight, I feel my neck. It feels like it will have a very dark bruise. I don't know how I'm going to be like this in front the boys.

"Are you okay?" the stranger asks at my side. Looking at him I can see him freaking out mentally. For such a scary looking guy, he's kinda a wuss. But he did save me so he can't be all that much of a coward.

"I'll be fine. Are you okay?" I ask soothingly as the boy hyperventilates. He shakes his head and I take a deep breath as I grab his arm to drag him inside. The gargantuan allows me to pull him into the school and into an empty hallway. "Take deep breaths. It's okay."

"That guy he was, he was strangling you," he blanches as he shakes slightly. I pull his arm and get him to sit on the floor.

"Yah," I murmur and then sit next to the boy. "But he's gone and we're okay. You just have to take deep breaths."

Positioning the boy that he has his large legs up and his knees in his chin, I rub his back. My situation caused a panic attack to come up in him. Then again it looked really bad so I don't blame him. Though, I'm surprisingly calm, and only my neck hurts. After a couple of minutes he finally regains a normal breathing pattern. I continue to rub his back in a circular motion.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asks as he comes up. His eyes are kind and even though he looks like he could beat up a person, I can tell he has a glass heart. I nod and the boy continues. "Does that happen a lot?"

"That isn't the first time he's pulled something like that but it's the last. I admit that he has right to be angry but he can't do that to me anymore. I'm not scared of him like I used to be," I murmur as I take my hand away from him.

Folding my hands on lap, I stare at the ceiling, wondering if I should be more scared. Gilbert was always physical but he has never been that bad before. And why does he want me back, he should know my skill has left me for the most part and that I can't play. I should be more scared. I should be the one with the panic attack but I just keep thinking that he is a nuisance more than a risk to my health.

"He shouldn't do that to you at all," the boy whispers and I think he doesn't even know he said it. "Who was he? Will he come back?"

"He was my old coach. He wants me back, even though I don't play anymore," I confess and bring my legs into me for comfort. "I told him I would call the cops but I don't know if he'll stay away. I'll have to be ready."

"And he hurt you when he was your coach?" the boy asks shakily and I nod.

"Yah, I, I wasn't the player I should have been and it pissed him off. I left him and then they fired him because of me. But I wasn't the player I should have been," I muse as I turn to glance at the boy. He looks at me nervously and I know he feels sorry for me.

"Yah but that isn't a reason to hurt you," he argues softly, voice contrasting with his physique. I nod and examine him, feeling like I should know him.

"I know but have you ever felt like you were such a disappointment that you deserved to be hurt a little?"

The boy looks at me and then bites his lip lightly. He turns away and I continue to watch him with a sad smile. I know that Gilbert has no right to touch me and hurt me like he did but that doesn't meant that I don't feel like a disappointment. I was going to be his star player but I turned insane. The way I see it, he had a right to be angry and I should pay for falling short. It was the guilt of not being me for my team, for my coach, for my school.

"I feel like I let down my own team. They think that I'm an ace but I can't do what they need me to. They counted on me and I failed them," he says sadly and I turn away. We sit in silence for five minutes before I speak again.

"But do they see that you failed them?" I ask in curiosity. The boy shakes his head and I chuckle slightly. The boy turns to me and I smile widely at him. "Then you didn't fail them. They still need you. If they acknowledge that you can still help them than its you that is holding yourself back."

"But we lost and it was my job to make sure we won. I failed the team," he murmurs softly. I give him a lopsided smile.

"You can't be that selfish to think you are the only person who has the responsibility of winning. You're a team and you guys just weren't ready," I tell him happily. He still has a chance to redeem himself.

"Than how are you a disappointment and I'm not?" He asks slightly peeved with my tone. The smile falls off my face and I turn away. The trees sway through the window and I wish that I wouldn't have ever heard the voices.

"Because my team said I was. We all knew it," I reply, my voice cracking. The boy stiffens next to me but I put on a happy smile to mask my emotions. "But you, you still have a chance. And by the way it sounds, your team still needs you. You will let them down if you don't even try. You still have a chance."

I get up quickly, checking my hair. My braid is messed up and I take it out of the elastic. My tie has been lost in the fight with Gilbert and I put my hair into a high ponytail for now. The boy is staring at my neck and I could only suppose it was because bruises were starting to form. Distracting him, I lean my hand out to him. He stares at it and when he turns to me, I give him my signature smile. His anxiety goes away for the most part and he takes my hand.

"We need to tell a teacher to not let him on campus again," the boy says in a voice that says he's not kidding. I nod once and we make our way through the halls. When I don't take the turn to the office he grabs my arm. "We have to tell someone."

"I know that's what we're doing. I'm just going to tell Takeda-sensei, he saw the man," I tell the large boy. He nods once and I lead the way to the gym. The boy freezes as he stand across from the gym and I look up at him. His face is scared and it just hit me that he's the ace we're waiting for. "You don't have to come."

"No, I should," he says quietly and I smile reassuringly as he glances at me.

I walk the way to the gym and find the boys doing serving practice. The boy—Asahi if I remember correctly—follows behind me but stands in the door. Takeda sees me and at my disheveled appearance his eyes turn wide. He runs to my side and Kiyoko follows after the man, her dark eyes scared. I must look really bad. I attempt to hide the bruising and pull my collar high.

"Hitz-chan, what happened to you?" Takeda asks, voice raising in hysteria. I put my hand on his shoulder as his glasses fog with tears.

"I'm fine. From now on, don't let that man on school grounds," I tell him and he wipes his eyes. Kiyoko gives me her track jacket with a higher neck to mask the bruises, leaving her with only a black shirt. I take it gratefully as she goes to her bag. I try to put it on before anyone else sees the bruises but I'm too late.

"That man attacked her," my companion says and I can hear the boys run to us.

They seem excited to see their ace but when they get to me, they turn scared. Tanaka and Nishinoya are looking at my neck in anger and Tsukki and Kageyama have deadly expressions on their faces. Hinata is the one who comes and pulls down my collar to reveal the worst of the bruising. I slap his hand away and look down ashamed I'm so easily broken. I scare them too easy.

"Who did this to you?" Nishinoya roars and goes to step out of the gym to find the culprit. I block his path and the boy shakes his head.

"Tell us Katrina! They can't do this to you," Tanaka starts and I glare at both boys.

"He's gone already. And it won't happen again, I promise," I tell them and see the captain and vice captain the most worried. They think I'm crazy for protecting Gil but I can't have my boys go up against him. They'll only get hurt. Gilbert would kill them or injury them to the point they can't play. He won't play fair.

"Katrina, tell us," Tsukki mutters darkly and I can see the beanstalk enraged. I shake my head.

"I am not going to allow you to get hurt. He will not touch you guys! I will not see you guys hurt," I yell in anger, scaring the boys. I glare harshly, putting a stop to their nonsense. "Takeda-sensei will go through the proper channels to get rid of him but I don't want you guys to get involved."

"But Katrina," Ennoshita starts, the dark haired boy worried and staring at my neck.

"No buts, I don't want to talk about it anymore. The only way he will ever get to you boys will be over my dead body. Do you hear me? Now go continue your serves. We have the training week coming up and you guys aren't anywhere near where I want you to be," I say strongly, putting the jacket on and zipping it up to my neck.

The boys look at me surprised that I'm protecting them but they also look worried that someone could hurt me so easily. Slowly, they move to the court, looking back to me and Asahi. I'm going to need to reassure them after. God this is such a mess. I rub my temples and then look at my teacher who is confused.

"You need to tell me who that man is," he says calmly and I nod once. Kiyoko comes back with gauze and some salve to make the bruising go down.

"His name is Gilbert Messer. He used to be my coach, and he came to recruit me. I refused and he lost it," I tell the teacher. The man nods and then sets off on his path to call the police. I look at Kiyoko and I tilt my head to my bag. She understands and takes the medical supplies so I could talk to the ace.

"Who are you to the team?" He asks slowly, realizing I ordered the team around. I look up at him and smile softly.

"I'm their coach," I reply and his brown eyes widen. "And you're our ace, that is if you chose to be."

"Well, I," he stammers and I smile reassuringly at him.

"If you're not ready, that's fine. Just know that they do need you," I tell him and he just gulps loudly. He nods in understanding and then goes to leave. I grab his arm as he is in the doorway. "Thanks for saving me. I owe you one."

"It's okay."

The boy escapes after that and I sigh. Why does my life have to be so crazy? Isn't it enough that I'm crazy? But no, abusive coaches and worried players and other things are always here. Looking at Kiyoko, I can tell she's growing impatient with me. I walk over to her and she motions for me to sit. I sit and she jons me on the wooden floor.

"Take off the jacket," she commands quietly and I do as she says.

I reach into my bag and grab my paper tape. My phone stares back at me as a reminder that I have to text Aone. Looking at the digital time, I know he must be done with practice. He also should have gotten his finger checked out yesterday. Kiyoko opens my shirt and then opens the mint smelling salve. Maybe she knows how to text a boy, my voice comments, voicing itself for the first time today.

"Kiyoko?" I whisper. The pretty girl looks at me and then nods softly. "Has a boy ever given you their number?"

The girl blushes a bright color and I wait patiently for her to deflate. The girl slaps the salve on my neck harder than necessary and I let out a small gasp of pain. She looks at me apologetically as her face returns to a slight pink color. Her hand slowly goes back to my neck and she massages the black and blue skin.

"Possibly," she murmurs and then looks at me curiously. "Why are you asking?"

It's my turn to blush a bright red. She continues to look at me as she massages my skin. The numbness from the salve starts and I am glad that the girl has as many medical supplies as me. I look at the phone in my hand and open up the address book. Aone's name stares back to me in pixelated happiness.

"Because, um, there's this boy and he, well, we ride the train together," I start and Kiyoko listens carefully. When I stop, she looks at me, her eyes shining with excitement. "And he, well, I told him, since his finger was injured, that I was worried about him. Then he gave me his number."

"And now you want to text him?" comes her soft question, though at end, it sounded excited.

"I asked if I could and he said yes," I tell her quickly, blushing when I remember Aone nodding his head with eagerness. "So I'm supposed to text him today but I don't know why he gave me his number and now I'm supposed to text him and I'm nervous and I don't what to do."

My rant is finished and Kiyoko says absolutely nothing. Her hands go back to her body and she folds them on her lap. I sit there with the harsh reality that she may think I'm a fool. I stiffen until I hear it for the first time. It's her soft laughter. It's like a bell and is so quiet, it could be softer than a mouse squeaking. She puts her clean hand to her mouth and closes her eyes.

"You were just attacked, strangled and you're worried about texting a boy. You're crazy Hitz-chan," she giggles and I feel a smile come to face.

"Damn right I'm crazy," I giggle to her and after a few moments I realize the boys are looking at us like we're indeed crazy.

I wave them off and feel Kiyoko begin to wrap my neck. The gauze is itchy and her hands are soft. The girl's eyes shine and I can see she's finally getting used to me. Making a wide smile at her I realize that I should be more scars of what just happened. I try to assess my emotions but I think I'm in shock. My mind is avoiding the entire situation and I know somewhere deep down is my real reaction to be strangled.

"The boy you like injured himself," she murmurs in concentration.

"I don't like him," I hurriedly reply and Kiyoko gives me a look that says she doesn't believe me. "I don't. I was just worried."

"Then is he your friend?"

"I suppose. I haven't known him for very long," I tell her and she finishes with the gauze. Giving her my paper tape, she wraps around my neck.

"Alright, well you can start by asking him about his injury," she offers in a whisper and I nod.

Opening my phone, I start a new message. Do I say hello first? Does he knows my number? Of course he does, he put my number in his phone when he took it. I should ask what the doctor said. Or is that too forward? Maybe that's a little creepy. But I really want to know if he went to the doctor. I finally type up a message.

 **Hey Aone, it's Katrina. How is your finger doing? What did the doctor say about it? Did you remember to ice it?**

Kiyoko looks at the message and nods her head and I press send before I can second guess myself. I close the phone and stare at it as she finishes wrapping my neck. The message doesn't come and I worry that maybe he wouldn't want to talk to me. Maybe I was too forward.

"Katrina, we're done with practice," Daichi's voice says as Kiyoko puts our supplies back into our bag.

"Okay, bring everyone together. I need to reassure you guys," I order and the captain nods with trust in his eyes. I get up and give Kiyoko back her jacket.

"Are you going to tell us who that man was?" Nishinoya asks as the boys come to me. He hasn't been on the team for long but he even feels overprotective of me. I shake my head and give him a sad smile.

"I am not going to tell you who that man is because I know you guys will just go after him. He won't do this again, I promise," I reassure and the boys look at me with pity. Tanaka is the next one to speak and his voice is uncharacteristically small.

"We should be promising you that you won't get hurt. We should be the ones protecting you," he voices and his eyes are scared for me.

I walk to him and rub his arm. Turning around the circle I can see all the boys worried for me, angry that I won't let them protect me and sad that I am protecting them when I'm so hurt. I smile and then go to the edge of the circle between Tsukki and Kageyama.

"You guys already protect me. You guys have no idea how much I need volleyball, how much I rely on all of you. It's the small things that keep me going. You all give me hope, courage, life. Don't think that I can do all this, that I can do it on my own. I need all of you," I say softly.

I put my hand out and make a fist. The boys mimic my action and I find tears in my eyes. Releasing my pinky and thumb, I link them with the boys next to me. Tsukki leans into me softly and I squeeze his thumb. Kageyama bumps his head with mine and tears fall. I had pushed the fear so far down that it's hitting me hard. Gil could have killed me. I learn that I indeed still fear him.

"It's okay Katrina," Hinata reassures and Yamaguchi nods with him. The tears fall to the floor of my gym and my chest rises and falls erratically.

"I'm sorry. I should be stronger. You guys should have a better coach, not a girl who's a mess. I'm sorry," I break. I have breakdowns so many times with them. Is it because I haven't been with people or is it because I haven't allowed anyone to get close to me?

"You are the strongest out of all of us," Sugawara says strongly from across the circle. I lean more into Tsukki and bring my arm closer to me, still holding onto the circle. The circle gets smaller and all of our shoulders are touching those next to us.

"I don't feel like that. I just feel scared," I whisper as my lip trembles.

"You can let us help you. We can protect you," Daichi says reassuringly and I nod once.

"Okay. I'll let you help me but it will take time. I haven't trusted in a long time," I laugh out with happiness.

They won't abandon me. I can trust them. I know I can. The boys see me for what I am at the base of my soul. I'm not a depressed schizophrenic; I'm not a star volleyball player; I'm not a coach who always speaks their mind. I'm a scared girl who has been hurt so badly that they can't trust anymore.

"We'll protect you," the murmurs come as the boys wrap me up in a warm hug.

Tsukki and Kageyama are surprisingly at its center and are closest to me. I can feel my eyes finally dry themselves out and I notice I'm clutching my head. The voices start to yell at me a moment later. They scream that I can't trust them. They scream that they will abandon me. But I ignore them. Because I want to trust.

"I'm such a crybaby," I joke as the boys releaseme. Kiyoko comes to me and hands me my jacket, having gotten it out of my satchel.

"Yes you are," Tsukki teases and I lightly punch his arm. He gives me a rare smile and I wipe my face.

"Come on," I announce as I head to the door. "I'm starving for a seafood bun."

The boys hurry, smiling faces at me finally saying I'll trust them. As I get out the door I find a new message on my phone. It's from Aone but I don't get to read it until I lock up the gym. Grabbing my bike, the whole team and I make our way to the convenience store. Giving my bike to Yamaguchi, I finally read the message.

 **Katrina, yes I did ice it like you said. The doctor told me it was a sprain and I can't play until next week. He also told me to thank you for the splint, it would have broken if you hadn't wrapped it when you did. It doesn't hurt that much anymore but I want to really thank you for caring about me.**

I stare at the message and read it several times. The boys around me are all yelling about stupid high school things. Looking back at Kiyoko, I show her the message and she just shrugs. I don't think she wants to tell me how to live my life but I also don't think she's been in my position before. I gain courage to send another text.

 **I'm glad that it wasn't worse. And you don't have to thank me, I just worried about you and am glad you let me splint it in the first place.**

I send the text before I could doubt anything. We get to the convenience store and eat meat buns while talking about plays we could do. My phone sat in my pocket and I waited for another text. The blonde shopkeeper kept looking at my bandages but when the others noticed I was uncomfortable, they shot him glares to stop. We left before they could beat him up.

"We'll walk you home," Nishinoya and Tanaka announce at the same time when we exit the store.

"You guys don't have to," I argue but they look at me with worried eyes and I sigh. "Only if you want to."

"Cool we'll get to see your apartment!" Tanaka yells and runs down the path. Nishinoya follows him and I grab my bike from the side of the shop.

"I'll see you guys tomorrow for Saturday practice," I announce but Hinata stops me.

"What's your address so I could ride my bike with you and pick you up," he says forcefully and I wonder if I'm ever going to be alone on the streets ever again.

"Are you going to do this every morning?" I ask quietly and the boys all nod their heads.

I sigh deeply and curse Gilbert. But I do feel better knowing I won't be alone. So much for having silence. I give my address to the boys and they each make note of where I live. After that's done, I tell them goodbye and catch up to the two second years who are arguing about some video game. Tanaka takes my bike when another text comes in.

 **I just trusted you.**

The text is short and I blush heavily as I read the words over and over. Why does he trust me? We barely know each other? Why do I worry about him? What's going on with us? I send a small response and close my phone with a snap. I trust him; I don't even know why the words feel right but they do. I take my bike back and smile at the sun.

 **Thank you.**

"Tanaka! Put Nishinoya down before you hurt him!"

* * *

 **Hey everyone. So I gave you a long chapter after a long wait last time. So now you get a relatively shorter chapter with a shorter wait. I realize that most of the time Katrina is crying and I dont know why I always do that but I do. Anyway, yah. I don't know. Thank you to everyone who has gotten this far. Comment how you think the two last chapters have been. Have they been good? Atrocious? Meh? I can handle the crticism.**

 **As always, follow, fave, review, obsess. Loves yous guys.**


	11. I say a lot of stupid things

**Chapter Eleven: I say a lot of stupid things**

" **Mary wished to say something very sensible, but knew not how."**

― **Jane Austen,** _ **Pride and Prejudice**_

" **How stupid lovers can be! But if they were not, there would be no story."**

― **Jean Plaidy,** _ **The Courts of Love**_

* * *

Wednesday rolled around and the team was still missing our ace and an offensive coach. As for me I had gotten hardly any sleep because all of the videos finally came in. That meant that I was up until dawn and the notebook I recorded stats in was getting more and more ink ridden. Practice has yet to start and as usual Kageyama and Hinata were the only ones in the gym.

I was too tired to play today so I had my back to the gym wall with my eyes closed. If I could get even fifteen minutes of sleep it would be nice. I get not only cranky with being sleep deprived but I also lose what little self-control I possess. As it was, I called Erwin last night and left him a strong worded message—in other words I swore him out. It was a good thing he didn't answer; I think I would have made him cry.

Lost in my thoughts and half coherent, I could hear the gym door crack open but no one step inside. Not really caring if someone was watching, I kept my eyes closed. I also didn't worry it was some crazy person because the boys scare them all off. The team was so protective of me, it had gotten to the point where I was never alone or even looked at the wrong way. It didn't help that the bruising had yet to get better, only darkening in color to an off black in the shapes of large circles with several parts looking like fingers.

"The first years are really special this year," I hear a voice say outside the gym. The door creaks slightly and I hear a gasp of surprise. "Oi, don't run away."

"But you're scary when you're angry," the new voice complains. I listen more closely, knowing it wasn't in my own head. Of course it isn't, my voice debates, it wouldn't be this nice if it was in your head. That's true.

"I'm not angry," the voice argues and I identify it as our faithful captain. The door slowly closes but not before I hear a hard spike on the floor. "The newcomers are strong and our coach leads them well."

"Why doesn't she play?" the voice I have identified as our ace, asks with curiosity. I stiffen and await Daichi's answer.

"She doesn't like to talk about it. But when we first met her, she said she was a coward," says a saddened voice.

"She is anything but a coward; I would know. Has her bruising gone down?" Asahi asks and there is silence. "Have you seen that man again?"

"No, but if he shows up he'll regret it," Daichi says darkly and I smile lightly with his words. They actually care about me.

"Good," Asahi remarks and the statement is followed by a tense silence. I can feel the pressure from inside the gym and know Daichi is looking at him with his stern face.

"Are you going to come back?"

"I don't know."

"Well, I know that the team still needs you. Do you know that?" Daichi asks strongly and I open my eyes.

The two boys in front of me are still playing. Their movements are quick and I can see the shadow Hinata casts on the floor. We're missing our ace and Hinata isn't our ultimate decoy without him. We might be able to play without our ace but I doubt that we will be complete. But Asahi is scared and I would never force him to play like how I forced Nishinoya. Nishinoya is able to see that the team needs him and his courage and determination is what made him come back. Asahi believes that he is doing the right thing by not coming back and that makes him courageous in his own respect.

"I know that, but," Asahi stops for a moment and his voice is so disappointed. "I am not strong enough right now."

"You're strong enough to help us," Daichi replies and I smile widely. Asahi might not come back right now but I can convince him to at least try a practice.

I get up, my back cracking slightly and I open the door to the gym. The sunlight hits my eyes and I cringe slightly. The scene in front of me is somewhat tense. Daichi is dressed in his track outfit while Asahi is still in the uniform. When they see me, both tense and Asahi stares at my bare neck. I smile widely at him and he offers a nervous smile back as he meets my eyes.

"This Saturday we're going to have a small scrimmage match. I think you should come. If you don't feel like you could help us, you could leave and never look back. But if some small part of you wants to stay, you can be a part of the team that does miss you," I offer and the tall boy stiffens.

He looks down and Daichi eyes me curiously. This is somewhat like my conversation with Nishinoya. I make them scared with the realization that I won't let them play, even though I'm bluffing. This forces them to not only make a decision but also makes them realize that they don't want to stop playing. Asahi looks torn but I watch as he tries to decide. He looks at me to see if I'm lying to him and I only offer a silent look back. He wrings his hand and then nods.

"What time?" our ace asks quietly and I offer a reassuring smile when we glances my way.

"Ten," I reply and he nods his head once more. Daichi looks at the other third year and he shrinks away from us. When he disappears I sigh in relief. "That was easier than I thought."

"Yah but he's only coming to practice, he might not stay," Daichi remarks and I turn back to the gym.

"He'll stay. He wants to play but he has to trust himself."

Daichi looks at me with a surprised face but nods nonetheless. They don't understand how I know the things that I know, but for the most part, they'll go along with it. I sigh with his slight doubt and watch as the rest of the boys are making their way to the gym. With Nishinoya joining the group, it got twice as rowdy and three times as mischievous. Clapping my hands when they make eye contact with me, I give them a stern look.

"Hurry up, you guys are five minutes late. I want a run around the soccer field and no cheating!" I proclaim loudly and all of the boys moan. Even Sugawara, who normally goes with whatever I say. They all hurry past me and I look to see our ace's back finally disappear into the afternoon sunlight.

"Hey Katrina," a voice whispers and I turn around and then up.

"What's up beanstalk?" I ask the tall blonde and he scowls.

He mutters the nickname in disgust under his breath and I smirk at him. He's the only boy I can rough play with and won't be afraid that he'll die of either embarrassment or sadness. Of course I don't abuse him but we tease one another in an amicable manner. He's kinda like a sassy big brother. That is, if I had sibling. I always thought I wanted a brother, but I don't think I would want to have had them to deal with me when I got sick though. It would have hurt them too much.

"Here," he interrupts my thoughts and I watch as the boys stretch in front of me. I turn and the boy hands me a bag that contains a black cardboard box.

"What's this?"

"You have the memory of a goldfish," Tsukki teases and I stick my tongue out in protest. "They're your headphones."

"Really? That was faster than I expected!"

I open the bag and find the box showing a picture of red headphones. They look expensive even from the photo on the box. Opening it up, I hand the blonde the trash and hold the headphones away from my body. They're shiny and don't have any wires. The padding is black on the ears and seems soft enough to fall asleep in. There are buttons on the side and I push them in to find them slightly squishy.

"They're wireless. I got you a Bluetooth adapter for your TV and your phone should be compatible," he tells me in a smug voice and I just heard that he got me the hard to work headphones. But he's actually smiling, thinking I'll be overjoyed. Don't get me wrong, I am really proud and happy that he helped me, but I don't know how to make them work.

"Tsukki, they're awesome!" I praise and his eyes start to shine behind his glasses. I give him a bright smile and he goes to leave but I grab his arm.

"Yah?" he asks warily when I change my face into a sheepish look.

"I don't know what an adaptor for the TV is or how to connect Bluetooth things," I say quietly and he gives a hefty sigh.

The boys, seeing as how I was distracted, had yet to start their run, instead starting a rambunctious group conversation. The rest of the first years break off and came over, while looking at me with puppy eyes. They want to skip the warm up. Ha, like I would let them off the hook for the run, I snort internally. Truth be told, they needed the endurance practice. Hinata though, had seemed to catch the end of the conversation and nearly jumped on Tsukki.

"We can help you set it up!" he yells and even Kageyama looks excited. Yamaguchi looks at Tsukki who is glaring at Hinata who is attached to his arm.

"Do you know how to set it up?" Kageyama asks Hinata in surprise and the ginger shakes his head with a blinding smile. I slap my forehead with my hand and look at Tsukki. He doesn't seem to like the idea of setting it up and shakes Hinata off. The boy looks at me and it's my turn to give the puppy eyes.

"If you set it up, I'll let you play my video games," I tell Tsukki and he gives me a raised brow smile.

"You who can barely work her phone, owns video games?" Yamaguchi asks, seemingly caught on to my technological incompetence.

"Suoh gave me some stuff. That and my parents sent a big black boxy player over in the last package but—"

"You didn't know how to set it up," Tsukki fills in and I nod, blushing slightly.

Tsukki sighs again and then rubs his eyes under his glasses. The other boys look excited with the prospect of playing video games and seeing the inside of my apartment. Just because they walk me home doesn't mean that any of them have stepped in the door. The four of them look at each other and seem to have a conversation of telepathy. When they look back at me they smile widely and I know they need something else. I sigh and decide to sweeten the deal.

"I'll make you guys some dinner?" I ask and they all nod their heads.

Noticing the noise across from us has finally quieted, I look around my group. The other boys have finally started their run and I wave the ones around me off. Thinking about Friday, I know I'm going to have them end up sleeping at my place; I just know it. They're going to play long after they set everything up. That and we have to come to play the scrimmage and my house is the closest to the school.

They'll have to tell their parents and they better bring extra clothes. They'll have to sleep in the extra room, which is actually big enough for the four futons I have in the closet. Why Suoh would buy four cots baffles me. Maybe he knew this would happen. It wouldn't be the first time people slept over, but it will be the first time in a long time. I watch them start to run and put my stuff back into the gym. When I come back out, they have almost been lost from my view.

"Hitz-chan!"

I turn to see our faculty advisor running across the school grounds with a piece of paper in his hand. The boys finally disappear and normally I would be running with them. My endurance is terrible but has been steadily getting better. Between the runs and the biking, I can play without passing out. Speaking of passing out, I watch my teacher who seems to run faster when I casually cross my hands behind my back. Maybe he thinks I'm angry he isn't faster. He is a little soft looking, my voice adds and I laugh.

"Don't strain yourself Sensei," I tell him as he gets to me and keels over.

He breathes hard and hands me a paper. I take it and see that it's our schedule for the practice week. Its three weeks away and I notice that the date is set for May. If I remember correctly, the tournament is going to be the first week of June. I'm going to die; everything is moving too fast.

I only have a month until we go to the training camp and only two until we compete. We don't have a coach and time is going faster and flying by my eyes before I can see the endpoint of the boys' trainings. But what really scares me is that he has the candidate for our coach on the other side. I stare at the paper in disbelief as a shoddy photo stares back at me.

"I know he's inexperienced," Takeda-sensei murmurs when he comes up. He must have seen my face. I know it looked like something between 'I saw a ghost' and 'are you kidding me'.

"Sensei, this guy sat on the bench his entire high school career. I saw the videos from the old coach Ukai and he wasn't a starter but once. Once!" I scream hysterically. This is who Takeda was counting on? Just because he has the Ukai name doesn't mean that he is any good.

"I know but he was Ukai's grandson and he plays in the community now. He isn't bad from what I've been told," my teacher argues with vigor. I look at his dark eyes and sigh deeply. I'm not going to change his mind; he has his heart set on the grandson of the legendary coach.

"Alright but you have to get him here soon," I chide and the man gives me a sheepish grin. He rubs the back of his head in embarrassment and I raise an eyebrow.

"What?"

"He doesn't exactly want to be coach, so I was hoping you would come with me."

"No thank you."

* * *

Why Sensei would ever drag me of all people to convince this guy to be the boys coach, baffles me. Does he think I'm going to give some heartfelt speech that the team really needs him? Maybe he thinks I'm going to break down in tears. But he did drag me down to the stupid convenience store where the guy works and now he's just stalking the guy through the window as the guy sings horribly flat. I can't believe I missed practice for this. It's ridiculous.

"Aaahhh," the guy screams as he notices Sensei at the window. The bleached blonde in an orange hoodie, jeans and apron bursts out the door and stands in front of us. "What are you doing?"

I silently roll my eyes as Sensei bows. The small man looks at me as if urging me to bow with him but I stick my nose up in refusal. Sensei sighs and gives me a disappointed look. I turn away and watch the large man as he gawks at my shorter teacher. Even from here I can smell the cigarette smoke and I know that this was the worst idea ever. The second worst thing that could happen would be that I get a call from an angry Erwin. That's exactly what follows.

I look for my phone in my messenger bag and nearly knock over my bike. I'm going home straight after this, but I have to wait for the boys to get here to walk me to the apartment. They swore they would kill me if I left the store alone. When I finally find my phone, the caller ID showing an international German number, I look at the blonde. He gives me a sour look and the inner debate I had with whether I would want to deal with him or Erwin falls to the other party. I don't think we can win, my voice mutters. I can only agree.

 _"What?"_ I moan into the phone as I answer. Both men in front of me stiffen with the German and I wonder why they always flinch when I start talking in a different language. It doesn't sound that bad. Actually some Japanese and English words are terribly ugly.

 _"You leave me a message, complaining about something that I didn't even do, then you want me to first class ship all the info on yet another team, and now you answer me like this!"_ Erwin squeals and I roll my eyes yet again. _"This is no way to treat those who work for you."_

 _"Oh, you wouldn't care if I slandered your name as long as I paid up front. You wouldn't lose customers; we all know that you're the best in the world,"_ I faux tease with a harsh voice. The man ignores my pick and merely heard 'best in the world'.

 _"Really? You think I'm the best? I'm flattered Katrina, truly I am,"_ he gushes and I yet again have the urge to roll my eyes. The two men who are accompanying me, stare and I give them a single finger to show that I'm almost done.

 _"Did you tell Gilbert where I was?"_ I ask with a murderous effect to my tone. The men around me shutter and I know that Erwin is shaking in his boots.

 _"No. I swear Katrina, I didn't. He didn't treat you right that last year; I know that's why you weren't as good and something was wrong,"_ he whispers into the phone and I can hear the sincerity in his voice.

" _Then how did he know where I was?"_ I hiss in a disbelieving voice. I want to believe Erwin but then again, who else knew where I was?

" _Did you ask him about me?"_

 _"What?"_ I reply deadpan.

" _Did you mention my name first?"_

I think about this. I asked Gilbert if Erwin told him where I was and then later Gilbert said Erwin told him I needed information. Gilbert just latched on to me saying that Erwin knew where I was. Gilbert could very well have lied about getting information. That's why he sounds so sincere. He actually didn't tell my crazy coach where I was.

 _"Alright, I believe you didn't tell him. But do you know who might have?"_ I ask and the fear is starting to creep into my voice. My hand starts to finger the bruises and I wince when I touch the most tender part. I may have wrapped them before I left school, but I know both men staring at me are aware of my bruises still being very gnarly looking.

 _"I can do a search on areas that have googled your name. Let me check. Give me a second."_

 _"Okay,"_ I breathe out and can feel the voices come up.

I hate Gilbert. I was getting better. I was starting to feel like myself and everything is falling apart again. I can't get away from my past and it will haunt me; whether that apparition is by scars on my body, voices in my head or abusive coaches, I wouldn't know, but they're all very probable. But you deserve it. This was the only way to make you see that you have to back and hide. We are being watched right now. There is only the pain of having to take the pills.

 _"Katrina? Are you still there?"_ Gilbert stops the voices and I shake my head. As if that even helps, my voice sighs. It's worth the try though, I argue.

 _"Yah, sorry, it went out,"_ I lie and then hear him clicking on a keyboard through the phone.

 _"Okay, looks like someone was tracking your name with a virus on all search databases,"_ he informs me and I cringe with the thought. People can actually do that? _"You were googled in the Miyagi prefecture, a couple of towns over from you about two weeks prior. Then there was a spread after that. More searches came in from around that area and some started in Tokyo last week."_

So in other words, the coaches and players from Aoba Johsai went home and googled me. That sparked Gilbert's weird tracking system and then he probably hacked into schools databases. All because I went to a practice match and coached the boys. This would have never happened if I didn't coach them. I wouldn't have bruises. Gilbert wouldn't be lurking around every corner. I could walk home in silence if I never did any of this.

"I shouldn't have done any of this," I whisper and I don't even know what language the statement was in.

"Hitz-chan, are you okay?" Takeda-sensei asks and I look up at him with tears starting to form in my eyes. I squeeze my lids shut and nod with them closed.

" _Do you still want me to send the Nekoma videos?"_ Gilbert asks and I can tell he knows something is wrong.

" _Yah, send the Nekoma videos,"_ I reply and then hang up the phone. I can't talk to him anymore. I want to go home. I open my eyes and look down the street. I need to go home.

"Nekoma?" The blonde shopkeeper murmurs and I glare at him. I need to get the boys set up. If I need to leave them, I need to know they're taken care of.

"I need an offensive coach for the boys. Possibly someone to be my replacement should I have to leave," I tell the grandson of a legend. The man's eyes widen and then he frowns at me.

"Where are you leaving to?" Takeda-sensei asks in haste. He seems worried and I wave him off.

"Only making arrangements if I have to go back home," I say. Technically it isn't a lie, since my home on my ID is the clinic. But he doesn't know that and I know that the only way I'll go back to the clinic is if I break. But right now, with the impending doom, I just might break.

"I don't want to babysit some lack luster children who also lack manners," Ukai growls out and I square up against him.

"The boys are anything but lack luster," I growl in return and Sensei merely looks at us in surprise. He didn't expect us to not get along.

"But **you** obviously lack manners. Besides, my memories of that place will be shattered if I go there," he yells and throws his hand in the air.

That's his reason for not playing. It's going to shatter his memories of sitting on the bench. Maybe it was the memories of his team. But coaching won't destroy the memories from a different team. He's just lazy or maybe he's scared. You think everyone is scared, my voice chimes in. I can only argue that fear makes the world go round.

"You won't go back because your memories of being on the **bench** will be shattered?" I ask in a haughty voice and he frowns deeply at me.

"You are—"

"What? Insolent? Mean? Terrible?" I ask in a teasing tone. I give a forced laugh and the man opens his mouth to tell me more but I'm quicker. "Sensei, we're done here. I'll call in a favor. This guy isn't going to cut it."

I know the retaliation is going to hurt but I'm a glutton for punishment. I always force people to see the truth by hurting me. I'm everyone's emotional punching bag. But it has to be done for them to realize what they really need. The blonde man is going to realize what he wants to do. I can see it in his angry eyes. The smell of cigarettes and the feeling of hatred overwhelms me as I ready myself.

"And you think they're better off with a girl manager?" he asks in an incredulous tone.

"I'm their coach, not a manager."

"Then you must play. Why aren't you on the girl's team?" He hisses and I flinch. Biting my lip, I raise my head in retaliation. "Do you not want to spoil your own memories? Or is it that you aren't good? Those who can't play, teach."

"Ukai-kun," Sensei finally interrupts but I put up a hand. I give the blonde man a look and figure that if he can say that to me, he can see that he can do what I'm doing.

"I got sick," I begin and the man starts to deflate. His face changes to one of pity and my own face grows into a scowl. "I got sick, had a bad coach, and did things that can't be reversed. Now I'm a coward who can't, can't, I just can't do it anymore."

I look down and then put the heels of my hand into my eyes. I push harder and harder for the tears not to flow. I'm a coward. Now my past is creeping up on me all because I wanted to get better. Maybe I should escape before the boys hate me enough to yell at me. Damn, I need a therapy session.

"I'm sorry," Ukai whispers after the moments of silence. I lift my head and see him embarrassed. "I'm sorry you got sick."

"Don't," I laugh out and the man flinches. "I'm always going to be sick. I'm never gonna get better and I don't want your pity."

"Hitz-chan," Takeda interrupts and I try to give him a smile but it falters. The teacher's face is worried and his eyes fog behind the glasses, the telltale sign that he is going to cry.

"The team is holding a scrimmage on Saturday. I want you to at least see them before you say they're not worth your time," I urge the blonde and he nods, still stunned with my confession. "You can bring some of your buddies to play."

"Okay," the man whispers and I nod once.

"We are playing Nekoma in a couple of weeks, so we could really use your help."

I get my bike and replace my phone into my bag from my pocket. The young man looks stunned and he bites his lip in debate. My teacher looks like he's going to cry and I rub his arm in a comforting manner. He looks down at me and I nod once.

The man nods viciously as he tries to get himself down from his emotional high. I move from him and get on my bike.

"You're supposed to wait for someone to walk you home," Takeda-sensei yells as I get a few feet away from them. I stop and look back, giving a reassuring smile.

"I'll be fine," I tell them and the blonde looks at my neck in interest. "Please don't tell the boys I'm sick. I don't like to be treated like a delicate flower."

* * *

"So let me get this straight, the bruises are from your abusive coach?"

"For the millionth time: yes."

For the past ten minutes I've been trying to convince my therapist that I didn't strangle myself. She hasn't believed me really, but I can't help her. The evidence does look pretty bad. The bruising went down almost overnight and is now green. Because there was no police report she wasn't notified earlier but she is going to have to call the school. The woman looks at my neck in displeasure and I attempt to put the bandages back on.

"They won't heal if you keep wrapping them," she chides and the amount of concern in her inhuman voice is surprising. My hands stop the wrapping and I stare at her.

"You expect me to go out and let everyone see the bruises?" I incredulously ask.

"For today, yes. You said you normally don't wear them at school and you aren't really going anywhere special this weekend. But that's part of the reason why they haven't really gone down; you've been suffocating the skin too much."

I look at her and my eyes silently plead to not go out with a bare neck. She shakes her head softly and I have no choice but to listen to her. The ace bandage falls off my neck with a dramatic effect and I roll it up. Attempting to not give her a death glare, I lay down and stare up. I told her a lot of things—almost everything actually—and she just listened silently.

But once we got to how Gilbert had treated me in my freshman year, she kinda broke. She started asking a bunch of questions, like was it his fault I started harming myself or did I feel like my illness could have been prevented had I not met him. She seemed to want to gain enough evidence to send the man to jail. I couldn't argue with her. In a lot of ways, the man did deserve to be in jail. But what has happened was no one's fault but my own.

"So," I chant into the silence, trying to stop thinking of things that have passed.

"Are you going to continue coaching?" she replies swiftly and I don't know what to answer. My mouth opens and closes and then finally spills words.

"I like coaching. It helps me a lot but if my past is going to come out of the woodwork and the boys can't handle it, I don't think I can survive. I don't want them to know my past," I whisper and the woman merely writes on her pad wordlessly.

"But there is the chance this makes you better. Are you willing to take the risk?"

"I don't know."

"Well you'll figure it out," she replies in monotone and I snort.

I have to admit that Gilbert finding me was a fluke. It was crazy and it was only because he was obsessively tracking me that he showed up. The boys on the team protect me and they haven't shown any signs of abandoning me when I turn mental. Even when I cry and show just how broken I really am, they are still there. Maybe I can count on them, or maybe it will be the end of me if they turn. So at the end, it wouldn't matter if they abandoned me because I would be too broken to even live.

"I'll see you next time?" I whisper to the woman as I turn my head, knowing that our time is up. She nods and her black hair bounces slightly. I talked a lot today and didn't even get a nap in-good thing I slept and didn't watch any videos last night.

I get up from the chaise and look at the bandages in my hands. I'm not allowed to go out with them but I don't want people to see my bruises. Oh my god, Aone will see the bruises. He's going to think they're disgusting. He isn't going to want to sit with me and I'll have to ride the train alone and I will never get home if they update the devil machine and I won't be able to text him and I won't be able to have fun talking to him. The woman must see the look of panic on my face because she sighs deeply. She's been getting more and more human with each session.

"No one will care about them; and if they think they are disgusting in a way, then they don't matter. If you feel really bad, put them on until you get to school," she instructs and I hesitate.

She wants me to get better and with this, maybe I will. But maybe Aone will leave me. I don't want him to go. Then he might be alone too. But I can't be pretty with these green marks. But I can't be afraid. I am so scared but I will overcome this. Folding the bandages into my backpack, I lift the satchel onto my shoulder.

My doctor seems happy that I chose to do as she said and I turn swiftly before I can think about putting the bandages on. Walking out and down the street from the hospital, I make the usual stop at the bakery. There's a new girl at the counter and she doesn't seem to care about my neck, merely glancing at it and then taking my order. I get five cookies and barely make my bus. As I get to the station I see that it's actually kinda deserted. I could even get my ticket from a person if I wanted to. Searching for my usual companion, I hesitate when I see a tall person with a green blazer at the machine.

The figure is tall and has the light colored hair like Aone, but the uniform is different. The blazer is a little more of a yellowish green than a darker color—maybe it's called forest green. The pants are gray and I watch as the person turns. I realize that with my examination l had approached and when the giant turns, he peers down at me. Looking back up into chocolate brown eyes, I realize that this is Aone. Why his uniform is different, I don't know, but we're running late.

"Your card," Aone grunts out with his serious face and I look to the machine.

The boy had already set for my ticket to be purchased and it only requires my card. I take the plastic out of an outer pocket and stick it in the machine. With these familiar motions, I can feel Aone watch me and I know he's looking at my neck. The station announces our train and I grab my ticket quickly. When I turn to my companion, he looks at me and then we begin our usual run to the platform. The doors are starting to close as we squeeze through and make the train.

"We have to stop doing that," I wheeze. From the corner of my eye, I can see him nod in agreement.

When I regain enough breath to move again, I make my way to our seats. Aone follows and we both plop down, the entire train car smiling at us as usual. Everyone always smiles at us nowadays. I don't really understand it, but they don't bother us, so I couldn't care less. Fulfilling our routine, I reach down into my bag to get our morning snacks. But what is different is when I raise my head and offer the bag to Aone, he's staring at my neck with a deep scowl. I wait for him to say something, but the silent boy instead surprises me.

As the train moves faster and faster, there is a splinted hand gently prodding the green patches. I bite the inside of my lip to keep myself from whining with the pressure. The splint on his finger is cool against my skin and I have the realization that I don't have to let him touch me. As my hand raises to slap his arm away, I see his face. His eyes are pained and his lips are still set into his deep scowl that he had before. But what surprises me is that his ears are red with a blush blooming into his neck. When Aone catches me looking at his face, he pulls his arm back and folds it on his lap. I blush at being caught, once again staring at him.

"How?" Is the only word that escapes his mouth and I look down. I consider not answering him but at the same time, the silence that grows between us makes me want to spill my guts.

"My old coach found me," I start off and the silence intensifies. I sigh and then figure I should at least continue. "He wasn't the nicest of people. He offered me a spot on his nationals team and I told him that I don't play anymore. He didn't take the news too well."

"Does it hurt?" Comes his quiet question and I don't know how such a large boy can make such a soft noise.

I look over at him and he is staring at his hands. They wrap around each other in nervousness and I peer from lower down into his face. For a moment, I think I might have done something terrible and his look was one of shame. But when he turns slightly to me, I find that in his eyes is something different. He's afraid and angry-livid actually-but it's all shadowed behind worry. How I can read him so well amazes me; but there is also the fact that he can read me pretty well too.

"Not anymore," I whisper and his serious face only hardens slightly. Looking at his hands, they have now clenched into fists and the knuckles turn white with the pressure. The silver splint stares back at me and my throat clenches. "Does your finger still hurt?"

Aone shakes his head and I sigh in relief. His hands stop their motions and I offer the bag of cookies in order to distract him. He still looks a bit angry and I shove the cookies into his hands. He glares slightly at me and then takes out a chocolate cookie. When I accept the bag back, I take out what looks like a snickerdoodle and munch, but clearly lacking my normal happiness. Aone still feels bad about what happened to me and I want to get him to move on, or at least feel better. Maybe I should change the subject.

"So," I say between bites. "Your uniform is different."

Aone nods while he's in the middle of taking another bite of cookie. I look at his uniform again and notice that he has a white button down shirt and golden yellow tie. I have the sudden realization that he could have moved schools. Why would he be on the train then dummy, my voice harasses me and I stick my tongue out it in my imagination. That's true; if he switched schools he wouldn't keep riding the train with me. From the corner of my eye I see Aone look down and now the emotion I get from him is embarrassment.

"I outgrew my old one and had to wait for my mom to get paid," he murmurs and looks away from me, shoving the last of his cookie into his mouth.

I frown at my own pastry and then try to decipher his words. He couldn't afford a new uniform until his mom got paid? She's a single mother and the school he goes to is private or at least out of his district, so he won't get a free uniform. I've never had to deal with these kind of problems, so I can't say that I know how he feels, but that doesn't make my throat close up any less with sadness. I feel bad for him and he seems to be embarrassed by his financial problems. I should make him feel better.

"Well," I start out and know that I have to say something reassuring. I hesitate too long and cover up my incompetence with mentioning the oddest thing. "Your tie needs to be fixed, so come here."

What the hell did I just say? You offered to fix his tie, my voice fills me in. I know that, but why did I say that? Because you're a nervous wreck of an idiot. Thank you very much, you're too kind.

My mind continues its banter as I watch Aone's head bounce up with speed. He looks at me with wide eyes and I just look back up with a smile. He tries to turn away but I smile even larger and he blushes. My heart starts beating in my chest and it practically jumps out when he turns to me and looks away with a blush. His yellow tie is only slightly lopsided and I raise my hands to his neck in hesitation. Why the hell am I going through with this?

I gulp and try to keep the smile on my face through my anxiety. My hands go to the knot and I slip the tie out of its form. The tie hangs at the side of his shirt and I have to get higher to reach his collar to fix that too. I make a noise of slight anger as I put the pastries into his hands and kneel on the seat towards him. My hands go back to his neck and I fix his collar, trying to be gentle with my shaking hands. It's a good thing I actually know how to tie a tie.

Aone turns more and more red and I glance to our side to see the passengers around us almost in giggles. I glare slightly and when Aone looks back at me, he can't help but crack a smile at my unamused face. I give him a small smile back as I finally start to wrap the tie. With his smile, I find that my hands don't shake as badly but my stomach starts to feel weightless in my body. I finally make the knot and look back to see my handiwork. It's a perfect Windsor knot and I smile a bright smile at the light haired boy.

"There you go," I proclaim in happiness and the boy merely looks back at me with a small smile. The slight upturn of his lips illuminates his face and my brain makes the statement that he is handsome with his new uniform. Then I do something stupid. "You're very handsome."

I cover my mouth quickly and then turn away and sit back down correctly. Why did I blurt that out? Because you like him? No, I don't think I do. I'm just going to avoid eye contact at all costs. It doesn't really work and I look over to find Aone trying to do the same thing and failing. We make eye contact, having turned at the same time, and then turn away a moment later. For about five minutes, we don't even say anything; I'm not even sure that I was breathing.

"You're pretty," comes the faint compliment from the boy's lips and we continue with our not speaking.

Another five minutes of riding the train flies by and the impasse is finally ceased when Aone gives me the bag of cookies. I take a peanut butter one and munch quietly, taking a quick side look at my companion. He does the exact same thing and we are about to turn away from one another when a giggle escapes the old lady across from us. I try to glare but my red face only makes her laugh harder. After a moment of my failed glaring, I begin to feel the giggles come up through my butterfly filled belly. Soon enough, my laughter joins hers and Aone is chuckling lowly with us.

"Here," I say as I continue to giggle.

I give him the last cookie and he tries to push it back towards me. I shake my head and he takes it, putting it into his bag. The rest of the train ride is spent with us not being as red faced or as embarrassing. I find that it's too soon when Aone gets up to get off the train. As he rises, he looks back at me and I smile up at him, my cheeks hurting with the action. I feel happy. The boy smiles his serious smile and I know that he's happy too. As the doors open, I open my mouth to tell him goodbye but he beats me to it.

"Can I text you?" He asks sheepishly and I nod vigorously with a serious face matching his own. He seems to sigh in relief and he takes a step.

"I hope you have a good day at school," I say happily and he nods.

Then as always, I watch him walk away from the train. But he stands and watches as I move away from him, giving a small wave with his serious expression. I ride away and then turn back around and put my head into my hands. I say a lot of stupid stuff, but I think I might be happy I said it today.

* * *

 **Hey everybody! How are we all doing tonight? I hope you all have a great long weekend if you live in America. If not, have an even more awesome than usual weekend. This is a very long chapter, but I felt bad that I didn't update in a while. In response to anon who wanted me to update: this is for you :)I am going to start not knowing where this is going and I think that this is the best thing ever because it surprises us all.**

 **As always, follow, fave, review, obsess. Loves yous guys!**


	12. The Odds of an Eternal Smile

**Chapter Twelve: The Odds of an Eternal Smile**

" **If you're reading this...**  
 **Congratulations, you're alive.**  
 **If that's not something to smile about,**  
 **then I don't know what is."**  
 **―** **Chad Sugg** **,** _ **Monsters Under Your Head**_

" **I was smiling yesterday, I am smiling today and I will smile tomorrow. Simply because life is too short to cry for anything."**  
 **―** **Santosh Kalwar** **,** _ **Quote Me Everyday**_

* * *

For two days I had an eternal smile and I think it was starting to scare the boys. Of course between the suicides they were running and the receiving drills, they really didn't have any room to complain. Because I had to feed four boys in my home, I decided that we would end practice earlier than normal. But this meant that they had to work harder during the half long workout. And now that practice was coming to an end, they were trying to slack off.

"Come on Suga!" I yell at the older boy, him looking at me with a small glare.

He always tries to fool me with running drills, thinking I won't yell at him. That's ridiculous. I look over at our faithful captain and he's giving me the evil eye. I raise an eyebrow at his overprotective nature of his fellow third year. Kiyoko comes to my side and watches the boys with me. Her constant presence calms my mind and when I find that I've been lost to the sea of my disease, she wakes me up. I think she knows something is wrong with me but doesn't know what exactly plagues my body. She and I are like different yet as we stand with our school uniforms, skirts and tights and white shirts, you could believe we were the same.

"We're done!" Tanaka yells and Hinata jumps up and down with excitement. Nishinoya watches the boy and they start to jump around. They have too much energy to be normal.

"Stretch out," I instruct and Kinnoshita and Narita moan. I throw then a questioning look but they lower themselves to the floor. The others surround them and I watch to make sure they stretch. After a few minutes, I get lost in my own world. Kiyoko once again, wakes me up.

"Your phone was beeping," Kiyoko tells me quietly and I feel my heart pound.

"Oh, al-alright," I stammer and then head to my backpack. Opening it up, my heart pounds with anticipation. When I look at the screen, I lose all the excitement. It said I had a missed call from Doctor Suoh and I sigh. What does he want now? I'll call him tonight when I take my shower. Kiyoko is suddenly behind me and I startle with her silent footsteps. The girl looks at me blankly and I know she's curious.

"Did you see the boy yesterday?" she whispers a little too loudly, the curiosity lighting up her pretty black eyes.

"What boy?" Kageyama says to my other side and I startle a second time.

The tall boy looks down with a blank face. I don't want this to escalate but it's too late. The other boys are around us and are peering at me with varying degrees of curiosity and some even with wary fatherly looks. I look away and put my phone in my skirt pocket. The boys realize that I don't necessarily want to talk about it but until I tell them it's off limits, they'll try to find out.

"Who is the boy?" Ennoshita asks softly, their best bet next to Suga to get me to talk—but seeing as how Sugawara is slightly angry at me for making him run, Ennsohita is the perfect interrogator.

I look at the second year and then grab my bag. Walking a few steps away, the crowd of boys follow. I sigh deeply. They're just worried about us, my voice comments. I close my eyes and rub my temple with my right hand. I know but how am I supposed to tell them about Aone without mentioning the train rides. Well, you could lie and say we visit someone. But I don't want to lie to them anymore.

"Let us in," Daichi offers and I glance at the group.

The boys stand silently, hoping I will try to trust them. I told them I would begin to trust them. I told them that they could help heal me. I told them they could protect me. It makes me a liar if I don't try to tell them some things about myself. Even if I stop halfway there, I have to start somewhere.

"His name is Aone," I mutter and looking at all the boys, they turn into overprotective mode. I put my hands up to comfort them.

"Did he hurt you?" Tanaka ask, venom in his voice and I shake my head profusely.

"No!" I yell too quickly. I blush a bright red as I remember Aone's gentle fingers on my neck. "He's my friend. He won't hurt me, and he was even angry at Gilbert."

"Good," Hinata perks up but then he realizes I have a friend who was a boy that none of them knew. His face turns mesmerized and he looks at Kageyama who looks at him confused. Kageyama is the most dense of everyone. But the others catch my tone of voice and look at each other, exchanging suspicious glances.

"He doesn't go here," Tsukki announces and his voice is so sure of itself. Turning to the boy, he gives me a smirk and I stick my tongue out.

"Where does he go to school?" Yamaguchi picks up where his partner in crime left off, giving me a smirk of his own. I stick my tongue out at him.

"Date Tech," I tell them before I can assess the answer. Damn those two for riling me up.

"That's a couple of towns over," Daichi muses, a hand rubbing his chin.

"Where did you meet him?" Sugawara asks and I hesitate, the smile I had on my face falls off.

I wring my hands around my satchel's strap. This is it, the point where I decide if I can say more. I say train, they ask where were you going. I say Sendai, they ask what is in the city. I say hospital, they ask if I'm sick. I say yes I'm sick, they ask what is wrong with me. I say schizophrenia, they walk away from me. The voices will scream and I will go back to who I was before them.

"Katrina, you okay?"

My hands were no longer on my backpack strap, but in my scalp, ripping at the roots of my hair. The voices rise up and I look to the boys as my brain feels like we're underwater. The boys become scared as the voices say that it's all my fault they will fail. They scream that I will be alone when we don't win. They scream that I'm stupid and ugly and terrible at teaching them and that I should quit now.

"Practice is over," I breathe out and bring my hands down. The boys stand still as statues as my world evens out. I decide to walk away but I don't get far. Nishinoya has my arm and gives me a worried expression.

"Trust us," he pleads and I swallow hard. I can't tell them, its too hard for me. Everything is hard, my voice says, but that doesn't make it impossible.

"I do trust you," I tell the short boy and his face softens. "But I'm not ready yet. I tell you guys and then everything crumbles after that, like dominoes."

"Okay, but is it the boy who we can't ask about or how you met him?" asks the calm voice of Ennoshita. I look at him and his soft face seems sincere. I huff and figure I have to answer.

"You can ask about the boy. Not about how we met," I reply with a small voice and they all perk up. They have more questions.

"What year is he in?" Yamaguchi asks and I begin walking away. Waving my hand at them, they stare with confused frowns.

"Hurry up. I want to close the gym," I chide at my small group of followers.

They nod and grab their things quickly, putting the balls away but leaving the net. Kiyoko stands next to me and I can see that she's sorry she let the cat out of the bag. I smile a reassuring smile back at her and she deflates from her anxiety. The boys hurry out and we make the way to grab mine and Hinata's bikes. The voices have faded away with my relief of not having to tell just how I met Aone, but are ebbing beneath the surface. The boys hurry out and I straighten my uniform skirt and the ponytail from my slight meltdown.

"Is he a first year?" Kageyama asks at the back of the pack.

"No, he's a second year," I reply, trying to keep my face blank but knowing a smile is coming through. Checking my phone, I find no new messages and I tap on it anxiously. Aone said he would text me. No he asked to text you, my voice corrects.

"Does he play volleyball?" Hinata bounces in front of me, sunshine of a smile. I grin at him and then remember Aone's finger. I smile a little smaller knowing it doesn't hurt him anymore and that I was part of the reason it wasn't worse.

"Yah," I mutter and the boys nod their heads. We grab our bikes and begin to walk down the path to the convenience store.

Why are we even talking about this? I know they're my friends but I don't know their other friends. Or is this how friends actually work? Is it because I'm a girl and I'm friends with another boy? Is it because they don't know just who he is? It's probably all because they are so overprotective of me and Gilbert is out there waiting to get me. We walk further down the path, the boys uncharacteristically quiet.

"We would have played against him last year then," Sugawara thinks out loud and I merely nod my head.

I have the videos from that game in the box at home. I haven't brought myself to watch them though. It will only solidify the knowledge that we might have to play against him. If we do play against him, my boys will win. I've trained them too hard for them to lose. But Aone will hate me if we beat him. He's worked really hard too. Maybe it's not a good thing to get close to him.

"Is he nice?" Nishinoya asks but Tanaka waves his hand.

"Is he good looking?" the buzz cut boy asks loudly and I turn a bright red. I look away and down the street, glad we're almost to our destination.

"I guess," I lie but Kiyoko looks at me knowingly from my side. Tsukki snickers on my other side and I pray that this interrogation is over.

"You like him," Tsukki proclaims, again really sure of himself.

"No I don't," I yell a little too loudly. The boys all chuckle and the slight teasing begins.

"You're red," Yamaguchi adds.

"And you're holding your phone and keep looking at it," Kinnoshita assesses.

"You said he was angry at your crazy coach, so he must like you too," Hinata adds in and I stop our walking.

"I don't like him," I say, perturbed by their comments. I don't like him; liking someone means wanting them to know everything about me and that's something I could never do. Besides, if I liked him and it turned into something real, I'll just get hurt, or worse, figure out that he deserves better than a schizophrenic girlfriend. "And he most certainly doesn't like me."

"How do you know?" Daichi asks with a confused look.

I sigh deeply and rub my eyes. They just don't get it. I'm not pretty like other girls and I'm foreign on top of that. Aone can get a lot of girls if he wanted and I'm lucky if I find a cat who can stand my mood swings. They only see me as some great volleyball girl right now but when that ends and we're in the real world, I'm nothing special. It's not like I can play volleyball for the rest of my life and Aone will see me like they see me forever.

"A girl just knows," I screech hysterically, my eternal smile crushed into oblivion.

I start to walk more quickly and the boys must have been in shock because they didn't follow for a long time after that. When they finally caught up, we were at the store and it was to go our separate ways. The four first years followed after me and we were soon on the five minute walk to my apartment. Hinata and Kageyama were soon arguing about whether leeks or carrots were better while Tsukki and Yamaguchi added in retorts and insults. I blocked them out of my mind and thought about what would happen if I did meet Aone in a match.

These boys who I coach trust me. They believe that I will and have done everything possible to have them win. But Aone, he's tried a lot too. He sprained his finger and was willing to practice with it while it was hurting. If we beat Date Tech, Aone won't look at me the same. I would have lost a friend. There would be no more to look forward to in Sendai. But I have to beat him for the boys. I'm going to lose the only friend I made without showing them my volleyball skills. He is the only one who noticed me for the me now and not what I used to be.

"Are you going to open the door or are we just going to stand out here the entire time?" Tsukki snickers behind me and I finally realize that we were in front of my apartment. My bike was even out of my hands and chained to the post with Hinata's. I shake my head and look for my key in my bag. It takes some time and the boys don't say a thing; they're probably still trying to figure out what is happening in my mind. I have to stop thinking about the boy with light hair and chocolate brown eyes. He's going to drive me insane.

I push thoughts and feelings into the recesses of my mind that only voices lie. But as I open the apartment door, my phone buzzes in my pocket and I know it's the one person I shouldn't get close to. It's too late to turn back now, my voice says solemnly. We're too far in right now and that is what kills me the most: the fact that it will hurt to rip myself away from him. Though, I think what scares me the most is that I don't want to rip myself away from the boy.

"Are you feeling okay?" Yamaguchi whispers to me when I realize I once again halted my actions. The key sits in the lock but my hand has yet to turn the deadbolt. I nod my head and then realize that I have to take my pills. Normally I would do it at practice but I'm almost an hour late. That's why my voice is so loud.

"I need to take my medication," I reassure and get the sudden realization that that might not be all that reassuring.

"Why do you take the medication?" Kageyama asks as we enter my apartment.

"I don't want to talk about that," I hiss, the nerve of my illness being tapped. The boys freeze and I realize that this isn't any way to start off a fun night. Sighing, I give an apologetic smile as the dark haired boy frowns down at me. We take off our shoes and lay them by the door, the different sizes a comedic scene.

"Pardon the intrusion," the boys chant as we get a few steps into my home and I jump. I look back at them and remember that this is always the one custom I can't get used to. Why must we announce ourselves? Why can't we just not acknowledge anything until we get to like the kitchen? Maybe I hate it because I never had anyone to come home to; no one would really care or pardon my intrusion. A sad smile fits onto my face and I drop my bag on a side table.

"The TV is over there. The box next to it has the video games and techy stuff," I tell the boys, pointing towards my large living room table. The TV is wide and there is a shelf space on the counter below the table. A large cardboard box sits next to a couch, taking up the rest of the room. I keep moving, ushering the boys to follow. As I turn right, we enter the hall and I go into the right room. "This is where you guys can stay tonight. The futons are in the closet. I'm going to get dinner started."

"What are we eating?" Tsukki asks while he looks around the second bedroom. He drops his stuff and the blonde turns to me with a scowl. Is he scared of my cooking?

"Rice, _eintopf_ , and some yakitori," I reply and then look at all the boys. They give nods of uncertainty with the German stew but seem okay with the food they are familiar with. Putting my hands on my hips, I nod to them. "I'm gonna change out of this uniform. Bathroom is across the hall. Holler if you need anything."

The boys all nod stiffly but with my nonchalant attitude, they seem to be getting used to the apartment. I leave the room and the boys start to argue a moment later. Heaving a sigh, I walk to my room and muse how this is as much noise as the apartment is going to get. I hope the people above us don't get angry if we stay up too late. But they might think it's a relief, seeing as how they thought a ghost lived here with how quiet I am.

When I close my bedroom door, I take off my skirt and tights, picking up a pair of black yoga pants from my chair stack. My shirt, tie and vest come off next and I find my arms are in the open. Glancing at them, the long lines along my veins seem more irritated than normal, slight bruising from diving for balls adorning the scars. I close my eyes quickly before I lose myself into my mind. Going across the room, I pull out a long sleeve red shirt and a black cardigan two sizes too big. I find a pair of socks but frown at them, choosing to go barefoot in my own house.

Emerging from my haven, I find that the boys aren't out of the spare room. Maybe they're changing or maybe they're setting up their futons, knowing they won't get them out later tonight. I shrug and grab my ponytail, maneuvering the long thing into a bun. I walk past the living room, passing the dining table, and into the kitchen. Reaching above the toaster, I take out two pills, swallowing them down with the sink water. Opening up the fridge, I find the meat marinating nicely and take out the vegetables I had bought yesterday. Then I go to another cupboard and take out rice, placing it in the cooker to soak.

"Shut up, she'll hear," Hinata yells a little too loudly and I perk my head to look into the hall. What are they doing?

"Oi," I call out and the rest of the house becomes dead silent. "Do you guys want some tea now? I can start a pot."

"Uuuuhhh, te-tea would b-be n-nice," a voice stutters and I'm sure it's Yamaguchi.

Whenever he tries to get away with something in practice he trips up and stutters. Placing my things back on the counter, my body shifts it's weight. So do I go see what they're up to or do I let it go? Just as I'm about to let the boys do what they want, I hear a loud crash. Groaning, I quietly walk back to the hall and lean my ear up to the door.

"There are so many of them," a wondrous voice comments.

"And they're all for different things," another adds with admiration.

"Some for the same tournament," a blunt voice says and I freeze. They're looking at my awards. Goddamnit. This is why I thought I shouldn't let them get close to me for a while. They're going to ruin everything. My anger overflows and without warning, the door flies open and the boys stand in front of me petrified.

"Why are you guys looking at those?!" I yell and my voice is harsh.

They look at the box guiltily, plaques and trophies littering the floor. The box was huge and they had yet to get to the most terrible stuff. My anger flows out of me and the menacing aura scares the boys as I take a step towards them. They scramble behind each other, Hinata behind a taller Kageyama and Yamaguchi in back of a somewhat terrified Tsukki. Going to them, I rip the plaque from the beanstalk's hands and he swallows loudly. I look at the award which proclaims 'most valuable player' in English.

Flipping it around, I notice the picture of the team I had taped over and over. The girls' shining faces stare at me with a young Katrina at the center giving a peace sign. This was the last tournament I played in America. Freezing for a moment, the memories of the tournament come to mind. It was my eighth grade year and I was at a boarding school in Utah. All the girls were newbies but they had talent. I trained them into the beings that helped us win the southern regional tournament. We didn't get past preliminaries for nationals though, falling to the best in the country.

"We're sorry," Hinata apologizes in shame and I look up from the picture. I don't say a word as I go to the box and look inside.

"The pictures are still in here," I murmur as I reach and grab a frame. "I haven't seen these for almost three years."

"Three years?" Tsukki asks with concern. I nod as the first picture reveals my first team. The Katrina looking back at me still had baby fat on her cheeks and her hair was short and curly. I laugh at the expression of dislike which was placed upon her young face.

"This was my first team. I was angry at my mom for dolling me up for the picture," I tell the boys, a ghost of a smile coming to my face.

Handing the frame to Yamaguchi, he gives me a strange look because of my mood swing. I reach in once again and find a picture of me at the beach with older kids. This was the year that I went to a training camp that was supposed to be for high schoolers. The preteen Katrina smiles back as she hangs onto one of the boy's biceps, him flexing slightly scrawny arms, and both of them giving ridiculous expressions. My hand glides along the front glass and I hand it to Kageyama. My heart starts to beat harder and harder. Looking at my hand, I find it trembling as it goes to the box once again.

"What about this one?" Hinata asks, now more giddy with looking at my stuff than scared about my anger. I look at him with a timid smile and step away from the box.

He hands me a picture and my hand trembles as I realize that I don't think of the Katrinas in these pictures as me. They aren't me. I'm not them anymore. But as I look at the picture that has made it into my hands, I feel more like this Katrina than ever. I am standing on the end, the only one with long sleeves. My face is drawn and you could see the bags under my eyes even through the photo. Gilbert stands behind me, hands on my shoulders. The picture doesn't convey the death grip he has on me but I remember it.

"This one," I start off, the boys looking at the picture with me. "This one is when I stopped playing. This is my last team."

"This was your last team?" Kageyama asks and I nod.

The picture starts to move with my anger at the voices. I could have been smiling like the other Katrinas if they hadn't come up. I wish they were never in my brain. I wish I was normal. I take the picture and squeeze the frame until it's almost snapping. They ruined everything! The anger boils up inside me and I throw my arms from me, the picture hitting the wall with a crash. The boys all jump next to me and I hiss at the mess that I have made.

"I hate them," I whisper darkly and go to retrieve the fallen remains. A hand holds my arm and I turn back.

"I'll clean it up. You go start dinner," Yamaguchi offers, the fear in his eyes evident. I nod shakily, not wanting to see it again.

"I'm sorry about that. I shouldn't have done that. Today is bad; today I'm bad," I tell him and he shakes his head.

"It's okay. We shouldn't have looked," he reassures and his soft smile makes my heart ache. Hinata nods quickly and Kageyama gives a nod of his own. Tsukki looks at me with a slight glare but pushes me along.

"You guys deserve better," I say softly and go out of the room, stepping over awards.

My hands shake as I try to forget that year of the voices. The pills I took have pushed them down far enough that the memories haven't woken them up, but that doesn't help the feelings of regret I have for something I could never prevent. Stopping in my room, I consider just giving up tonight. I consider telling the boys that they can go home and leave me to be myself. I crawl into my bed and muse at how tired I am. Why is today so bad? Maybe it was because of the emotional stress from my therapy appointment or maybe the anticipation of tomorrow.

The next moment I hear my phone buzz and I look at the skirt on top of the hamper. Aone was supposed to text me. He's probably waiting. My motivation dwindles within me and I look at the ceiling. I could just go to sleep. It would be nice to stop thinking and being reminded of worse things; it would be nice to not subject everyone to my highly changing mind. But the sounds of boys in the next room keep me from going within myself and hiding. Because that's what I am doing right now. I'm hiding because I'm embarrassed by my condition.

Ripping myself from my bed, I grab my phone from my clothes and head to the kitchen. Opening the phone up, I find a new message but don't get to read it as the boys all run out of the bedroom. I look at them and find that Hinata has stolen Tsukki's glasses, Kageyama blocking the other first year. The ginger looks at me and I place my phone onto the counter as he throws the spectacles at me.

"Katrina! Give them to me!" Tsukki yells in anger. I laugh at his squinted face and Yamaguchi tries to come to me. Kageyama tackles him and they fall to the floor. I place the glasses on my face and look through the thick lenses. The world looks like how my mind feels with the voices: plain old foggy. Hinata laughs and I stand straight and put a hand to my mouth in mock snicker.

"Look at that. The freak toss and spike duo have finally realized they're idiots," I say in deadpan. The boys look at me and Tsukki turns a red color.

"That isn't funny!"

"Oh, is it not funny because you're too slow to understand or because you are too stubborn to agree it's true?" I reply and the tone of voice sounds so much like the beanstalk that everyone else has to laugh. Tsukki throws his friend a glare and Yamaguchi tries to hold back laughter to no avail.

"Sorry Tsukki," he replies and I hand the glasses to the tall boy.

He rips them from my hand and places them back on his face, everyone deflating from our escapades. I go back to my vegetables and take out a large knife. The boys come to my side and look at the articles in my hand with suspicion. There's a couple of potatoes, carrots, celery, a white onion and a head of cabbage. I wait for them to go set up the tv but it appears like they want to help with the kitchen stuff. I smile largely and hand each boy a vegetable while I keep the potatoes which I had peeled and washed this morning.

"Wash them for me. I'm gonna cut the potatoes," I tell them and all the boys nod.

They all go to the sink at the same time and there is the usual battle of who gets to go first. This battle happens more often than you would expect and with the simplest of things: with drinking water, getting on the bus, getting a meat bun, changing first, cleaning up. I have their entire script memorized by now and no longer stop them, it's a waste of breath. Zoning them out, I begin to cut the potatoes into cubes. They seem to finally decide who goes first but the winner splashes water at every one else. I yelp and they laugh. It's fun and calm and everyone could forget that I messed up earlier in the day. Smiling largely, the doorbell rings and I look up.

"I'll get it," Kageyama offers, handing me the washed celery. I nod stiffly and watch the boy go to the door and look through the peephole. He steps away and looks at me with a frown. "It's some blonde guy, and he's a bit older than us."

"Kageyama get away from the door," I order and he stiffens but comes to my outstretched arm anyway.

I push the boy behind me and the rest of them stand in a silent cluster. My heart pounds hard. It's Gilbert. How the fuck did he find me? The boys can't see him. God only knows what he's going to do this time. I grab the large knife I was just cutting with and hold it in a white knuckle grip. The boys watch me and I look back and give them a reassuring smile in spite of my fear. Walking away, I hold the knife behind me.

"Katrina," Tsukki hisses, finally having the sense to stop the schizophrenic girl with a large knife from attacking whomever waits behind the door. But this schizophrenic girl isn't going to let anyone touch her boys and she keeps walking. I open the locks and throw the door open, knife in hand and my heart stops.

" _Fuck Suoh,_ " I scream in German. " _I thought I was going to have to stab you!"_

I breathe hard and run a shaking hand across my sweaty forehead. The doctor jumps with my yell and runs a hand through his newly bleached blond hair. I take the knife from behind the door and he gives out a shriek. My heart begins it's descent and I look out the door to the street. The sun is setting but it appears our actions have gone unnoticed by the world. Rubbing my forehead with the back of my clenched knuckle, I sigh deeply in relief.

"Were you planing on using that on me?" He yells and I roll my eyes. I motion for him to come in and walk back to the kitchen. The door locks click shut while I put the knife back on the counter next to my phone. Suoh takes off his shoes and I stand with the four boys who are relieved I didn't do anything drastic.

"Who is he Katrina?" Hinata asks quietly and when Suoh finally takes off his leather boots and leather jacket, he comes to us. Dressed like a regular person, the man stands in jeans and a red shirt, his hair a bleached blonde shag and his glasses now exchanged for square frames highlighting black eyes.

"Suoh, these are my friends, Kageyama, Tsukishima, Hinata and Yamaguchi," I introduce. The man smiles a goofy smile and I roll my eyes again. "Guys, this is Suoh. My annoying caretaker."

Everyone exchanges greetings, the boys slightly off put by Suoh's cheerful attitude. Suoh placed a paper bag on the table as the boys weren't looking and I could only suppose they were more pills. I cut all the vegetables as the others stand awkwardly in the living room. Kageyama looks to me for help and I slide everything into a large pot.

"If you guys set up the video games, we can play," I tell them and with the new set of directions, they perk up. Suoh comes to me and I take some beef chunks out of the fridge.

"I can see your bruises have gotten better," he whispers as I salt the meat. "Did you think I was that man? Why didn't you let the boys handle it?"

"Because he's my problem and I don't want them to get hurt," I reply, the meat entering the pot. I add water to the mixture and place it on the stove. "Are you staying for dinner?"

"I could go for some of your cooking. The hospital hasn't been the same without you in the kitchen," he moans. I giggle and look at the man while shaking my head.

"Just the kitchen?" I ask with a raised brow and he proceeds to almost cry, a faux lip tremble adding dramatic effect.

"No I miss you and your hurtful comments. I miss you telling me I'm a child," he whines and I take my phone off the counter. I purse my lips as he nearly crumbles.

"So is this visit personal or you wanna tell me what's in the bag?" I ask with a sad voice. What does he need me to do now?

"The bag has new medication," he replies, the overdramatic scene over. "You've been on the trial too long and we need to check your blood for a couple of weeks."

"How many?" I ask, the fear of having my mind shut off from me creeping in.

"Two and a half. At the end of the month you can go back on the trial," he assures and I nod. He hands me the bag and I put it above the toaster with all the other pill bottles. Then I go to the fridge and take out the pitcher of iced tea I made yesterday.

"Can I start them on Monday?" I ask Suoh, not wanting my brain to be so out of it for tomorrow's scrimmage.

"Yes," he replies with a soft smile and takes the pitcher from my hand. "Get some glasses."

"I was doing that," I reply with a smile, grabbing several glasses from my cupboard.

Going to the boys, I start pouring tea. But Suoh takes the pitcher from me and pours the rest of the glasses I nod thanks and head back to the kitchen to pick up anything I left. My phone sits on the counter, looking at me and I realize I haven't texted Aone back. I didn't even see the message. I flip the phone open and the message blinks. A smile comes to my face as I read the message over and over.

 **Hello Katrina, it's Aone. How are the bruises on your neck? Has that man visited you? I hope that the boys you coach are watching out for that man. I admit that I am worried about you**.

"What are you looking at?" Suoh asks as I dumbly smile at my phone. I open my mouth to say nothing but the ginger ball of sunshine beats me to it.

"It's her boyfriend!" he exclaims and my face turns hot with embarrassment. Suoh looks at me with an open mouth and I shake my head quickly.

"He's a friend!" I rush and Suoh comes at me, hands reaching for my phone. "Suoh, don't you dare!"

"What did he say?" he asks, the curiosity and mischief gleaming in his eyes. I run from the kitchen and hide behind Tsukki. The blonde gives a sigh when Suoh runs towards him and merely puts his hand out to hold the doctor's head.

"Can you guys stop acting like idiots so I can set this stuff up?" he chides with deadpan and I hiss at Suoh who is reaching towards me.

"You aren't going to read my messages, and that's final," I proclaim at Suoh and he throws himself on the floor like a toddler.

He lies facedown and I escape onto the couch, typing a reply. Movement is soon on the other end of the furniture and I find Suoh glaring at me childishly. I roll my eyes and stick my tongue out as Hinata jumps onto the couch, falling partly on my lap. Kageyama joins him and looks at Suoh in interest, trying to figure out what's wrong with the man. Tsukki and Yamaguchi are quietly setting up wires and other things when I finally hit send.

 **Hi Aone. My bruises are getting better and Gilbert has not visited me. The boys from the team walk me home and to school everyday. Thank you for worrying about me, it means a lot.**

I can feel a small body looking at my phone and look up to find Hinata staring. Closing my phone with a forceful slap, the boy moans. He looks at me and then pouts. I shake my head and stretch my legs out on the couch over his lap, not touching his skin. Yamaguchi and Tsukki look about done with the games and have turned to me with a questioning look.

"Are we going to play the video games I left you?" Suoh asks excitedly. I nod and Hinata is the next one bouncing on the poor sofa.

"Yes we are. Tsukki since you seem to be holding that game a little too hard, we can play that one," I tell the blonde who is clutching a cd case in his hands.

He frowns at the game but turns and starts the tv, and the game is lighting up the room a second later. The house is getting dark, the moon rising as the boys try to hand me the playstation remote. I shake my head and get up to turn on the lamp by the door and kitchen window. Going to the kitchen, I stir the stew which looks like it'll take only another thirty minutes. I start the rice and start heating the small electronic grill. The game play starts with the large title "The Last of Us". Hinata and Kageyama are fighting over a single controller but it appears that the two boys will have to share, sitting so close that their thighs are touching. They've gotten more and more used to each other. Smiling at them, I hear my phone buzz.

"Katrina," Yamaguchi calls and I walk over and sit between him and Suoh. When I try to open my phone, the older man leans into me to see my new text. I roll my eyes and crawl and sit next to Tsukki on the end, the only person who doesn't really care about my outside life. The boys start the story, the voices in English but the game shining with Japanese subtitles. I listen as I see my new message.

 **Does anyone walk you to the train to get to Sendai? Walk you to the Sendai station?**

I frown at the message and figure I shouldn't lie to the boy when he seems to be so concerned.

 **The boys don't know that I go to the capital. I go to the capital alone.**

A long time passes as I stare at the TV and wait for my response. I watch the boys play what seems to be a post apocalyptic survival game and can see that Tsukki and Yamaguchi die the least. Tsukki's long fingers are sure of themselves as he presses each button. He gives me a look of slight annoyance when he catches me staring at him but when I smile at him in wonder, his face softens into a small smile. My phone buzzes and I check the message, zombie sounds filling the room.

 **Why do you go to the capital? You don't have to tell me but I am worried that the man will get to you before you get to me.**

I frown and then smile and then frown again. My mind and gut is telling me to let the boy in. That if he leaves my crazy ass now, it would be easier than later. But my heart wants to have him for as long as I can. The feelings in my chest whisper that I want to have baked goods while sitting next to a boy without eyebrows and embarrassing myself because I think he's handsome and he thinks I'm pretty. These facts which I buried deep inside me, come to the surface as I remember my embarrassing attempt at what normal people call flirtation.

 **I want to tell you because I don't want you to worry but I don't think you would want to know.**

I send the text and let out a breath. I won't tell him that I think he'll leave. That's just manipulating him into something that he doesn't want to do. I can't let him know just how scared I am about being alone again. I shouldn't have let myself feel how it felt to live. Getting up while gunshots come from the television speaker, I check the stew. My phone sits next to Tsukki and he looks at me from his place, his face anxious. My phone must have buzzed. The food is ready though and I put chicken sticks on the grill.

"Guys dinner is ready. Pause your game," I yell as I get bowls and put the rice onto the table. Getting chopsticks, I place them and napkins on the counter. Suoh brings the iced tea and puts it on the table with him. Kageyama takes the napkins and silverware while Yamaguchi and Tsukki start taking bowls of stew to the others. I give Hinata some spoons and he looks into the large pot, eyes filled with wonder. Chicken skewers go onto another plate and Suoh nearly drools. When everything is done we sit.

"Thank you for the meal," everyone chants and I smile as they begin to dig in. I serve out bowls of rice and there is silence as the boys have faces of pure delight.

"Is it good?" I ask as I take a bite of chicken. They all nod and noises of pleasure come out of their mouths. My phone makes another noise and Suoh watches me as I get up. I look at the phone and find two new messages. The first makes my heart sink with uncertainty.

 **I am only worried and doubt that anything you tell me will shock me.**

Yah right. By the way Aone I'm a schizophrenic who just so happens to have tried to kill herself when she was thirteen. He won't just be shocked, he'll be mortified and he definitely won't stay. He has never said that he wanted to be my friend. For all I know he only sits with me on the train because I sit with him first. Opening the second message my world brightens and my face turns into a smile.

 **But I will wait and you can tell me when you are ready. I am not going anywhere.**

He isn't going anywhere. Maybe this boy is different from what everyone would expect. I'm always so scared and that makes me assume the worst in people. But maybe Aone will stay with me. Maybe I can stay with him. Maybe we can stay together for a little while longer. Because right now, I don't think I care if I get so broken at the end of all this. I think he might be worth the break.

"She has that creepy smile again," Tsukki mutters and I turn and glare.

"What smile?" I ask as I put my phone down and sit in my chair. When he merely stuffs his face with food, I shake his hair and he pouts.

"That smile that you've had for two days. It's creepy," Yamaguchi teases in turn. I shake my head and want to frown but my smile doesn't fall. The dinner table starts to have conversations about volleyball and video games and school. Suoh watches me but the man child starts to get caught up with the other boys. He seems to be having fun. The boys seem to be having fun. I'm having fun. This is the most fun I've had in years and I don't want it to end.

And for a moment I could believe that the smile on my face really is eternal. But the voices in my head scream otherwise. What are the odds that I can keep my eternal smile? I can tell you now, they're not very good.

* * *

 **Hey everybody. I realized that this story was going so fast in my mind. I think as a writer I struggle with the pacing, but that might be because I really have no idea where exactly I'm leading the story to but know only some things I want to happen along the way. I also really hope that I am getting character's personalities right-I worry about that a lot. This chapter is a little shorter but it still isn't extremely short. I'll try to get the next chapter out next week, because I am actually ahead with my other story. Also, don't be afraid to comment and tell me what you think is wrong! I don't mind the tough love and I most certainly won't get mad at you. Thank you for making it this far and I hope you enjoy what's to come!**

 **So as always, follow, fave, review, obsess. Loves yous guys!**


	13. Falling Into Imperfect Pieces

**Chapter Thirteen: Falling into Imperfect Pieces**

* * *

" **She fell.**

 **She thought, Hello, gravity, and tried to spread her arms so that it would catch her.**

 **Hello, good-bye.**

 **But the world did not fade completely."**

" **But she knew that life was fragile, and if her week failed, she knew how to shatter."**

* * *

My pajamas were so comfortable that I considered not getting up early and not making breakfast. But the truth was that I was hungry and had to pee, so it wasn't really my choice at all. So practically falling out of bed, I groaned, my red shorts and socks hiding any scarring I might have, while my black with white stars long sleeve shirt hid my arms. The floor was soon greeted by my face and the blankets fell on top of me. I closed my eyes and then woke up moments later-at least I thought it was moments. Scared that I overslept I leapt off the floor and looked at my phone. It was only seven o'clock. I sigh as I untangle myself from my cocoon and throw the blankets on the bed.

I go out my door and can hear soft snores coming from the boy's room. I'll have to wake them up around eight so they can shower. But for now, I pass through the apartment, stopping quickly to go to the bathroom. I move like a ghost, checking Suoh who is asleep on the couch in his blue boxers. It's a good thing I'm not scandalized by his bare body. He strips after he falls asleep—another weird thing that accompanies the man's personality. I get the blanket he threw off, probably having gotten hot, and place it back on him. Going into the kitchen, I make a pot of coffee with some grounds Suoh left for himself when he comes.

I yawn once again. What time did we go to bed? I think it was two when I finally convinced Hinata and Kageyama to let their draw go. They kept trying to beat one another and we all knew that they both died from the computer generated players. But they had to keep trying. I rub my eyes as I get a glass of water and take out my pills. As I swallow them down, I hear movement. It's probably one of the boys; Suoh always has to be woken up.

I go about my business of taking out pancake batter and an electric Belgian waffle maker when I realize the boy might be wondering if they could shower. Oh well, they can just check in with me. I start to take out other breakfast items—sausage and eggs and milk—when I hear a person breathing behind me. I turn around quietly as I crack and egg into the bowl and find a sleepy beanstalk. His hair is a mess unlike my only slightly messy bun and his eyes squint with the sunlight from the kitchen window.

"You want waffles or pancakes?" I whisper, the morning still too new for heavy words. The apartment has an orange glow to it and Tsukki merely looks at me sleepily. "You want coffee? I'm making a pot."

"Why are you so perky?" the boy asks bluntly as he goes and sits at the dining room table a few feet away. He looks at the couch's resident and cringes. Suoh must have kicked the blanket off again.

"What's the use in being a grouch?" I ask quietly and he gives me a glare.

"But you're grumpy when you don't get enough sleep," he argues childishly and I nod. Going to heat random pans on the electric stove, I can see how he's right. I am grumpy when I'm sleep deprived.

"I like mornings," I tell him happily and he gives a weird giggle. Mornings mean I lived another day. I watch the boy as he stretches out on the chair, uncharacteristically animated with me. His long fingers rub his eyes under his glasses and I finally notice his pajama bottoms. The shirt was merely a white long sleeved top but his pants were blue with bright green comets. "What's with your pants?"

"I like them," he mutters and then laughs quietly. But the laugh was strange—like a delusional kind of laugh. "How do you think the dinosaurs died?"

"Is this rhetorical?" I ask as I realize the boy isn't technically awake yet. He's just dream talking. When I add mix and milk to the bowl of batter, I can see him shake his head. I sigh and decide he's kinda funny half asleep. "I guess they got hit by a comet?"

"Yes and do you know the best dinosaur?" he asks, an impish undertone in his sleepy voice.

"The raptors?" I ask, throwing out the only dinosaur I can say in Japanese. The boy shakes his head.

"The brachiosaurus is the coolest one," he says and I don't even know if I understood which dinosaur it really was.

He puts his hands in the air as sunlight showed dust floating. He's really half asleep. The house is so quiet as I go about the kitchen. Even though I know I'm not alone and there's a body right in front of me, it's still silent. I like this kind of silence. It's comforting to know there is someone with me but at the same time, I don't have to necessarily speak. The voices are rising up though, and the coded messages try to be transmitted. I listen to silence, pushing them down to the darkness, and look to my sleepy companion.

"Tsukki do you want coffee?" I ask a second time. The boy merely tries to catch a particular speck and ignores me. "Kei, do you want coffee?"

The boy startles at his first name, looking at me with wide amber eyes. I hold a spatula and wait for him to decide. When I finally think he's going to speak up, he yawns largely. I sigh and decide to not waste coffee and will make him a cup of tea instead. But for that, I start the kettle and turn back to find him watching something intently. Turning to what it is, I find him staring at my cellphone I dropped on the table.

"Did that boy text you yet?" he asks dreamily and I sigh again. I shake my head as I start to beat eggs in another bowl. Tsukki merely continues with the conversation. "You like him don't you."

"Tsukki we've gone over this," I tell him. Bacon goes in a warm pan and starts to sizzle. "Besides, he goes to Date Tech and they're in our prefecture for volleyball."

"But that doesn't mean he doesn't like you or you don't like him," he childishly squabbles and I gather silverware from the dishwasher to put on the table.

"I can't like him," I say quickly. Going to the boy at the table he has a shit-eating grin. "I don't like him."

"You're in denial," he chimes and I smack the side of his head.

"Go wash your face and wake up the other boys. I'll get Suoh," I chide and he groans as he gets up.

"You're mean," he whines as I shake my head at him.

I slap his arm as he moves like a snail to his room. He glares again-it not really that intimidating with his dopey expression-and I move to wake up my doctor. The man is sprawled out and you can see his body clearly in the morning light. His skin is ivory without a blemish in sight while he has a small amount of muscle. One time he freaked out when I told him he had a mole on his back. He takes very good care of his skin to look as pretty as he does.

"Suoh," I call and the man doesn't move. I sigh and then grab his shoulder. Shaking it gently, he starts to groan. "Suoh come on. I have coffee going and breakfast will be ready soon."

"Nuhhhghh," he lets out and I shake harder. The man then sets his long limbs onto me and they slap my arms. I grab them and pull him off the couch. He hits the floor with a loud thump but doesn't move.

"Suoh I'm going to go back to the kitchen. You wake up," I hiss, knowing he's only playing now. I go to walk away but he grabs my ankle, seemingly alive. His eyes open up and I watch as he moves my sock down to see my scars. He looks at them and I have half the mind to kick him in the face.

"Have you—"

"No," I interrupt with a tired voice. I'm tired of always being the girl who once hurt herself. Why can't I just be Katrina?

"Can I have coffee now?" he asks as a childish smile comes to his face.

I sigh and hear the other residents of the house bang out of their room. It appears to be Yamaguchi chasing Hinata and Kageyama. Yamaguchi has a deadly intent washing off him and his face screams murder. They chase each other around the couch twice until the freak duo hides behind me. Suoh meanwhile puts my sock back up and sits on his couch.

"What happened?" I ask as Yamaguchi looks at me with hooded eyes.

"They tried to cut my hair," he yells as he points to the cowlick that always stands up on his head. I look at the boys behind me and they give me guilty smiles.

"Well," I start and can see that Yamaguchi isn't going to let this go. "Don't break anything."

I step out of the brown haired boy's way and he charges. The other two scream and run. Shaking my head, I go to the kitchen and pour myself a cup of tea. Suoh comes and sits on the counter as he pours himself some coffee adding a lot of sugar. Tsukki emerges during the riot and I hand him a cup of tea. So the three of us merely observe the chase until it turns into a couch battle with small weak punches. For once in my life, I drank my morning tea with a smile on my face and other people. I have never had anyone awake when I first get up. I've always been alone in the morning, even when I was a child. Everything is falling into place.

* * *

"You guys have a practice match and you think I'm just going to let you guys get away without warming up?" I scream at the top of my lungs.

The boys are pissing me off. First they come in late on a Saturday practice and then the three second years—Ennoshita, Narita and Kinnoshita—get some weird Saturday detention. So I only have my starters and an extra setter, wing spiker and no ace. The large ace is super late and I don't know where that blondie market man is. I have already put on all my gear and am standing next to Kiyoko. My feet roll in my court shoes as I anticipate having to fill in some spot.

"Hitz-chan," Takeda calls from the door, followed by our new second coach. The man smells of cigarettes and gives a slight nod of acknowledgement to the boys; then he looks at me but when he sees me in kneepads and ankle braces, his eyes widen. I just glare lightly and raise one finger. Looking at my team, I blow a gasket.

"Tsukki I'm going to break your goddamn knees along with Yamaguchi's hands because you guys have yet to fix the corrections I give you every practice," I scream as I see them miss balls for the third time in a row. I march over to them and grab Tsukki's long arm. Pulling him down I get him into position but push him further to the floor. "I don't give a flying fuck if you're tall, you need to bend your knees!"

"Hitz-chan!" my teacher exclaims with my language. I give him a dirty look and he shudders. I go to Yamaguchi and put my arm out for his hands. He gives them to me with a scared smile.

"You're going to break your thumbs before I even get to them," I hiss as I fix the form slightly. Turning to Hinata, he flinches and gets into perfect position. "You're all too far in to be making rookie mistakes."

The boys all look down for a moment. Then I clap and walk over to our new coach. He watches me carefully and gives me a slight glare. Takeda-sensei and he are dressed in track suits, my teacher in his normal green—that I have yet to make a judgment on if I like the color—and the newcomer with one a dark red. I hear a tsk and know that Tsukki has had it. When I yell at him he always rebels. That always comes in a form of a 'wayward' spike. I turn quickly, watching as he jumps into the air on the other side of the court.

We make eye contact and he clenches his jaw as he swings his arm towards me. I hear the boys all breathe in as I take two steps forward and watch the boy spike. His hand makes a hard hit and I have to admit his spikes are best when he puts effort into them. Nishinoya watches as my hand brushes the floor, knowing a smile is on his face. The ball sails towards me and it's coming right for my face. Smirking darkly, I step back quickly and get under it in a flash. The ball is up and Tsukki cringes as I take two steps.

"What?" a voice breathes as I jump into the air.

It's not a very high jump but I have pinpoint accuracy as Tsukki gets down. He is all the way down but as my hand hits the ball and the slap echoes, we both know he's going to lose. The ball floats to him and hits him in the chest, deceiving him that it wasn't farther away. The boy grunts and I put my hands on my hips as I stand tall on the gym floor. I won.

"23 to 0. When will you learn Tsukki?" I chide and smile largely.

The gym is silent until I walk away from the boy who gives me a death glare. When I find myself in front of the two adults, both sides are astonished. I wait for the blonde to close his mouth and when he does it only opens to ask the forbidden question.

"Where did you learn to do that?" he gasps as he looks at the boys. I roll my eyes and turn to the boys.

"Huddle up!"

"Yes!" they chant and run to me. I get next to the new coach and Kiyoko is on my other side. She seems curious. The boys make a semicircle and I'm made aware I'm really short. When I'm sure I have their full attention, I slap the blonde's arm.

"This is our new coach," I start out and immediately get questions.

"Are you leaving?" Tanaka screams at me.

"You can't just leave us with some stupid guy," Nishinoya adds with ferocity.

"What are you doing?" Kageyama hisses at me and I can see his eyes scream betrayal.

I merely smile at them and wait for them to deflate. They are pissed at me. They really think that I'm going to leave them in the middle of the season. The idea is so funny, my voice chuckles. I start to feel the humor too and end up giggling alone in the circle. The boys stiffen with my large smile but stay quiet. I can hear the door of the gym creak and know that it's Asahi. He's trying to work up the nerve to come in. He can listen from out there.

"What I'm doing is filling the gap. You guys have only trained with defense, serves and game strategy. I needed someone who could teach you guys blocking and spiking," I speak calmly. They look at me with owlish eyes, surprised that I admit I need help.

"So you got the convenience store guy?" Hinata asks skeptically and I nod.

"This is actually Ukai's grandson. He was on the team when he was in high school. He knows some things that I wasn't trained on and he still plays, so he has experience," I tell them and they look at the man doubtfully.

"But that doesn't mean he's good," Tsukki scoffs and I glare.

"Don't be rude," I scold and the boy smirks. I roll my eyes and then huff. "You guys are going to have to get used to him. He's not going anywhere."

"I'm only here until we play Nekoma," the man interrupts and I pinch him lightly. He jumps and bats at my hand.

"He's not going anywhere for another month. So play nice," I tilt my head at the man and he looks down at me with a angry frown. "We are very easygoing with our practices but there are some things that we don't do. What are the three rules we have here?"

"Don't ask why Katrina doesn't play," Daichi says, arms across his chest. He doesn't like how I never told him I was getting another coach.

"If Katrina doesn't want to talk about it, we don't talk about it," Yamaguchi says with a reassuring smile. I nod and then wait for the third.

"Don't go asking or digging into Katrina's past," Sugawara adds with a happy tone. He smiles at me, the only one who actually understands me.

"But," the new coach starts and all the boys shake their heads.

"No buts. These are the three rules and if you can't listen to them, then we don't need you," Daichi says strongly, scaring the man with how protective they are of me. There is a silence where all the boys stare the new coach down while he just looks at them and then me quietly. I give a sheepish smile and nod to the boys.

"So," I chime in after the boys threaten the new coach. The man looks at me carefully. "Where is your team?"

"I only have a couple of guys coming. It was short notice," he tells me and I nod. I step back to look at the gym door.

"Asahi are you ever going to come in?" I yell, scaring everyone in the gym. They look at me like I'm crazy but when the large ace enters the gym, they flock to him. I stand watching him and Nishinoya exchange embarrassed and awkward conversation—well only Asahi is embarrassed and awkward.

"Is there anything else I have to know?" Ukai asks in a blunt tone and I shrug.

"You'll learn as we go on. When your guys get here, I'll be on their team with one of our setters. You can watch," I instruct and he frowns.

"I thought you said you don't play because you got hurt."

"No," I murmur softly. "I said I got sick. I can play but I can't compete. This is as much as I can do and even at that, it makes me too tired."

The man looks away, confused and sad. He pities me and I don't like it. Kiyoko who hasn't left my side, lays a hand on my shoulder. She knows things that the boys don't but she doesn't push me to tell her how or why I say the things I do. She just stays with me and waits for me to be ready. She is a good friend. I place my hand on top of hers and give her a bright smile. She blushes and we look back to the boys as four men walk in the door.

Looking at my options, I can have Yamaguchi do the front row for the neighborhood association and I can manage the back as libero. Nishinoya can stay as libero for the starters and switch out for Tsukki and Hinata. It'll be good because I doubt my stamina is up all the way to play an entire match and I can see how I can set them up when we get into a tournament. The men come to their friend, Ukai stiffening next to me slightly. I step in front of him and bow lowly to the four newcomers.

"I really appreciate you coming out to play in the match. If there is anything you ever need help with, count on my team's support," I say as my ponytail comes forward. The four men put their hands up to deflect my low bow. Even Ukai is spazzing out. They didn't expect me to be polite.

"It's not a big deal. We like playing," the glasses wearing man says in haste. I rise and give a bright smile.

"It is a big deal and my thanks does not go out lightly," I reply while I feel the captain come to my back. He stands behind me and places a hand on my shoulder.

"We really do appreciate it. I am Daichi Sawamura, the captain and this is Katrina Hitz, our coach," he introduces for me. Takeda stands a small distance away and smiles at us proudly. I smile until the new blonde man in front of us gives me wondrous eyes.

"Germany's Katrina Hitz?" he asks excitedly and I stiffen. My heart goes into my throat and I shake my head lightly. The man doesn't notice my fear and goes on. "You were the best—"

"That is irrelevant," Takeda-sensei interrupts and I feel faint.

I don't want to hear about who I was. Daichi rubs my arm and shakes his head. But the voices start up. You were good before and now you are nothing. You are ugly you whore. There is no way that these boys trust you. They only use you. But they are watching. We need to leave. The danger is real. Go home and let the poison out of our veins. They are killing us with pills. We must flush them from our blood.

"We don't talk about that here. Please stretch so we can start. Thank you again for coming," our captain says through clenched teeth. I glance back at him and he gives them a scary look. Our guests look at me strangely, but I pat Daichi to let him know he can go. Kiyoko goes to get the scoreboard and I stand in front of the men in silence. The blonde gives me a curious look and I sigh as I scratch my arm through my compression sleeve. The scars itch.

"I'm not that Katrina anymore. Please don't talk about what I was," I whisper.

The men must hear how scared I sound because they stiffen. I just want them to not ask about it. The voices rage on but don't silence. Their eyes nearly have tears. Frowning, the mumbles invade my brain and nearly deafen me. I have another hour until I can take my pills though. Maybe I shouldn't play. I need to play though. But then again, the voices may not allow me to play. I have to push them down; they can't be here today.

"Hitz-chan?" a soft voice asks and I know I'm scaring them. I sniff and feel the tears on my cheeks. I started crying when I tried to push the voices down. Wiping my eyes on my sleeve, I feel the warm water continue to run from my eyes. Ukai is scared. His face looks at me and all the men don't seem to know what to do.

"I'm sorry. I'll stop," I murmur and try to walk away.

My body trembles and I force my legs to move. The boys haven't noticed my meltdown and the voices keep screaming at me; their voices now swallowing my entire existence. My head feels too full. Why are they so bad? Was it because I didn't get enough sleep? That's probably it—I'm too tired to put up my mental barriers. Soon enough I find myself in the storage room. Biting my lip, I kneel into a ball at the dusty corner of the room and hide in the darkness.

We are being watched. No we aren't. They will find us and we will be seen for what we are. We are nothing. No one could ever want us. You can't be happy. If we are happy then they will get us. There is no one; no one is watching. Yes they are! Go home and open the skin to release the poison. We need to see blood!

"Hitz-chan? I'm sorry that Takinoue asked you about your past," comes a gruff voice. I rock back and forth trying my hardest to make them go down. Why do all these people know who I am? "Hitz-chan?"

A person is behind me and I tremble. My breath catches and I bite my lip even harder, the metallic taste of blood invading my mouth. They aren't going down. Why aren't they going down? The trial has gone too long. The medicine isn't working. That's why Suoh needs me to switch. They need to mix the dose before I get too immune. I hadn't noticed it but they've been getting louder and louder this week. Even with Aone and talking to Ukai the first time, they were loud.

Suddenly a person is in front of me and hands go to my face. I shake my head and try to calm down. It's not working though. I'm getting hysterical and can no longer breathe; if I give in, this wouldn't hurt as much, but since I'm fighting, it's hell on earth. The hands pick up my head and force me to look at brown eyes. Ukai is concerned and he observes my wet eyes to my bloody lip to my running nose. He opens his mouth and I know what he's going to ask.

"They're not going away," I gasp when more blood is tasted. "I'm too hysterical to get them to go away."

"Get what to go away?" he whispers and I shake my head. "What do you need me to do?"

"I don't know. I'm always alone when this happens. I'm always alone and they just go away after a while," I confess and raise my arms to wipe my face again. The man bites his lip with hesitance but the voices don't hesitate. I choke out reassurance to the scared man in front of me. "I'm sorry. They'll stop eventually."

"What are they?" he asks and I keep myself from going into full blown out hysteria. The man lifts his hands and looks like he's going to put them around me but hesitates again. "I'll get someone."

"No," I scream softly, my voice cracking. The voices scream at me more and more. The man in front of me stops and then looks at me in confusion. "Just leave me here. They'll stop. I promise."

"I have to get someone," he argues with a firm tone and I shake my head. But the argument ceases with Sugawara coming in the door. Ukai goes to the boy quickly.

"Katrina! Daichi is worried you're having a secret meeting," the boy laughs out.

His smile falls when he sees my body crouched in the corner. He hurries to me and the silver haired boy lowers himself to the floor. His fingers quickly wipe tears from my cheeks and I resume biting my lip, feeling the blood run down my chin. He looks to the side and grabs a clean towel that I put on the shelf for emergencies and wipes the red liquid from my skin. The voices go down two levels with the calm touches of the third year.

But they remain screaming at me. They start on with my volleyball skills next. You aren't good anymore. The scars show that you can never play. You should have never come back to this gym. It's too dangerous and they are watching. You shouldn't have tried to be what you were. You can never be that Katrina ever again. Just stop!

"She was talking about something not stopping," Ukai says in haste, not wanting to be seen as a guilty man. Sugawara gathers me in his arms and I wrap mine around him. He rocks me back and forth and the voices sink further down.

"It's okay. You're fine. I'm here," Sugawara whispers in my ear, acting like a parent consoling a child. I grip his sweater and rub my wet face on his shoulder. "We'll make them go away. You're safe. I'm here."

"I'll leave you guys," Ukai announces trying to make an exit but Sugawara shakes his head. He holds me tighter and rubs my back.

"You can't go back out. The others don't know about her panic attacks. She doesn't want to worry them," Sugawara articulates. The boy thinks I have panic attacks and that's what you could call them. They're extreme moments of terror and panic because of my mental battle with the voices. "They're normally triggered by her past. That's why we have the rules. She hasn't had one caused by us for almost three weeks."

"Oh," is the only response and my face feels dry.

My hands and body no longer tremble. I feel better with the motherly third year. The other person in the room shifts his body weight and waits. The voices lower and become a dull ache in the back of my brain. I inhale deeply, taking in the scent of detergent and softener in Sugawara's sweater. I think this is how it feels to cry in your mother's arms. I haven't felt this since I was a toddler. I can't remember the feeling.

"Thank you," I sniff.

I release the boy in front of me and he holds me away from my body. He takes the towel and wipes the hidden tears and blood. Then he takes a first aid kit and shakes an ice pack, activating it. He places the cold bag on my eyes and then my lip. The cold infiltrates my bones and I feel the puffiness of my skin go away. Sugawara thinks of everything.

"There you go. What triggered it this time?" the boy asks, eyes filled with concern.

"Takinoue didn't know the rules," Ukai interrupts as both of us stand. I don't make eye contact with the new coach, ashamed by my actions. I've been getting worse and worse this week. I should start the new medication tomorrow.

"Well, let them know the rules. If they can't follow them, they can leave," Sugawara says darkly and I twiddle my thumbs. I'm a terrible person.

"I'm sorry," I apologize but the third year comes in front of me. He holds my chin up and forces me to look at him. Gently blotting my skin with the ice pack, he smiles at me. God, I'm such a pain. They shouldn't have a wreck for a coach; I should give the torch to Ukai and let them get rid of this burden.

"You are not a nuisance if that's what you're thinking. Everyone on the team would never want another coach. You're perfect the way you are," he assures and I nod slowly. For once, I believe his words. But I know the voices will tell me otherwise when they get the chance. I hate myself so much.

"You deserve better," I say softly. The boy shakes his head but I put my hand on his while the ice pack is pushed against my cheek. "You guys really do. But I'm happy that I have you guys, even if it's selfish of me."

"Come on," Sugawara breathes out, tears gathering in his eyes. He hugs me one last time, pulling me close. "We would never have anyone else but you because you're the best coach ever."

The voices always cause me to break so easily. I hate them so much. I'm selfish for relying on the boys to help me. I hate always having to be saved. They deserve so much better and I should let them go but I'm scared of being alone. But Suga says that they want me. I smile a small smile, realizing that's all I ever wanted: someone to want me for me. And in the back of my mind I know there is someone else who might be willing to want me for me. Things are falling into place even if the progression is like watching paint dry: dull and irritatingly slow.

"Great," Ukai mutters as I regain myself. I can hear him groan and I let go of the third year. "You're going to be the favorite coach and I'm nothing but chopped liver."

"Don't think like that," I tell Ukai, walking out towards the exit. My voice goes into a teasing tone and Suga laughs at my next joke. "Not everyone can be awesome."

* * *

"Okay that was…"

Ukai has just witnessed my freak duo's murder spike and he is stunned. Takeda is gloating behind him and I fold my hands as Yamaguchi looks at me with a guilty look. He tried to block but he was too late; not his fault considering how I haven't trained him. I wave him off and he nods in understanding. But my other two first years are shining at me and I give them a blinding smile.

"Good job boys, let's keep it up," I yell to them. The boys have a three point lead but it's only 6-3. Looking at Ukai, his mouth is still open and I gently push it shut. "I think the word you're looking for is awesome."

"How did they…"

The man then looks at me closely. I merely exchange a cocky smile and shrug. Serves him right for not believing me. He looks back to my boys as Hinata goes to serve. I'm going to go in after Yamaguchi serves. I set up the team as I would put them in a real game. When my godly duo is at the front, giving Kageyama the option to dump if he chooses, my ace is in the back. Our ace sets off my lazy beanstalk. Daichi works with his ace and Tanaka adds a punch with the ultimate decoy.

"You see how their blocking is always late. I can never articulate when they should jump to get their efficiency up. I've read about block reading and then ball reading but I don't have enough time to get myself acclimated to the jumps myself let alone instruct," I mutter to the other coach, watching Hinata barely get a ball over the net.

The blonde nods his head and I watch the neighborhood association receive. Suga looks at his options as he sets and he tosses to the blonde who knew me—Takinoue if I remember correctly. The blonde pummels it into Hinata, who is back row since he served. The ginger doesn't get it up and we get the point. Yamaguchi is given the ball but walks to me.

"You can serve Katrina," he smiles and I shake my head. He merely pushes the ball into my hands and stands next to the new coach. "I still have to practice. Besides I think everyone would want to see your serve."

"Uggghh," I sigh and squeeze the ball hard. "Alright but next serve is yours. You have to practice the float. It's subpar right now."

"Gosh Katrina," Yamaguchi laughs as I walk away. I turn back and find him giving me a silly smile. "You really are truthful."

I roll my eyes and give him an embarrassed smile. I bounce the ball a couple of times as I make my way to the court. My team goes extremely silent as Nishinoya takes the back row. He smiles at me and brushes his hands on the ground. Tanaka looks at me from his place next to the libero and I know the two second years are going to start their contest.

"Noya, you better be ready," Tanaka announces and the guests turn and give me curious eyes.

"Oh he has to be more than just ready!" I yell in a joking tone as I position myself. My feet feel light as Nishinoya laughs.

"Bring it Katrina, this will be the tie breaker," he announces.

"You know I'm leading, you little liar!" I laugh and Kiyoko blows the whistle, startling us.

I nod and pound on the ball. The gym goes dead silent as I throw the ball into the air. It floats and I take two steps. The ball descends and I pick the spot where it will hit. That spot will make it spin and fall straight down instead of a float. Nishinoya is expecting a float to start it off. My feet spring my body off the ground and I swing my arm.

The slap could be heard around the world and my hand stings. Following through with the swing, the ball floats slightly but starts the rotation a moment later. I hear an intake of air as the ball is over the net. Nishinoya dives but with the rotation, it hits his arms wrong. It's dead quiet until a large groan is let out.

"Fuck, I was so close!" Nishinoya swears, causing Takeda to give him a harsh look.

"That was amazing," the glasses guest says as he turns to me. "It wasn't a float but it still was powerful without being easily anticipated."

"You like it?" I ask, grabbing my ponytail. The man looks at me like I'm a trophy and nods over and over. "I'm sorry, but I didn't catch your name."

"Oh, sorry," he blushes and comes to me. Extending his hand, he gives me a shy smile. "I'm Makoto Shimada."

"Well nice to meet you and thank you."

The man squeezes my hand one last time and this is my turn to blush. He's very nice. I take my hand back quickly and catch the ball thrown to me by Yamaguchi. The boy gives me a look that is teasing and I know it's because someone else besides the team complimented my skills. I go back to the line and serve two more times, both service aces. The next one Nishinoya gets up and Tsukki spikes it to anyone but me. The score is now tied. Kageyama is the one to serve and he looks at me with a devilish smile and I ready myself with an equal grin. Everything is falling into place.

* * *

"You don't lie do you?" Ukai asks me quietly and I nod as the moon shines upon us.

The day is over and my boys lost to the Neighborhood association. It wasn't really a fair fight because they had me but we won by the skin of our teeth. I made sure that the boys realize that Ukai isn't going anywhere. I can also see the veteran's restlessness of Suga giving the torch to Kageyama. The first years don't see anything different but the others can see the pain in the third year's eyes. It's his last year and he isn't on the court with the team.

Then I have to deal with Tsukki still not having motivation. Yamaguchi doubts himself and I made him serve after that first time. That Shimada had a serve like how I thought I could get Yama to do, but Yamaguchi doesn't have it yet. I have half the mind to hand the kid over to Shimada and keep up the back row attacks for myself. Yamaguchi right now is a middle blocker but I'm gonna switch him to wing spiker. Down the road, he's going to be the pillar of the team.

Talking about pillar of the team, our ace need so much reassurance that I have hardly any more enthusiasm for anyone else. It doesn't help that he's so out of shape. Then he and Kageyama have to get really in tune with one another. I mean my small genius can do anything easily but Asahi is used to Sugawara. I have to find a way to make a second string with the other second years and have Suga at the core. Maybe I can have Ennoshita specialize in something but I want our setters to be adaptable.

"Do you think I can have a double setter setup?" I muse.

The tea in my hands is hot through the paper cup. We're sitting outside the convenience store, the stars twinkling. I snuck out of my house after the boys walked me home. My mind was too restless to be by myself and I need to talk to this new coworker of mine. Lord only knows what he thought about the boys since he ran off to make his shift here. But for once I'm glad that the small market was only five minutes away from my apartment.

"You could, but why would you when you have a genius setter?" he replies as he takes a sip of his coffee.

"Because I can't stand seeing Sugawara's eyes so defeated," I sigh. My hand rubs my eyes and I stare at the moon.

"You care about those boys a lot—more than any coach I've ever seen," he says. I glance to my side and know that he's wondering just why I care.

"I need them more than they need me," I let out.

The voices are coming out more and more because I've been on the trial for too long with the same dose amount. The medication can't be my godsend forever and I'm going to have a tough two weeks. The medication that Suoh left me are antipsychotics and they just cover up my whole mind. I'm scared of feeling that blanket of grogginess.

They're harsher than just antidepressants but I doubt that those will have any affect on me when the stress of life and my mind is too active. So they're going to have to put me on the meds that will not allow myself to tear me apart. But this is all at a price. Last time I got put on them, I stopped the medication and got put in a ward. What if this time, I do something even worse?

"How did you get sick?"

I sigh and take a sip of my leaf juice. Playing with the sleeve of my cardigan, I realize that I have to have someone on my side. I need someone to know about me so if I disappear, they can reassure the boys I didn't abandon them. But the blonde man next to me doesn't seem like the one I want to tell. He's pushing me too soon and as much as I need to breathe out my secrets, he scares me too much. The man isn't right. No one really is, but that's because I am scared of even myself.

"I don't want to talk about it," I say, invoking my second rule.

The man says nothing and the night is quiet. There's so much that could go wrong. There's so much that is destroying me: my mind, my medication, my psycho past. My psycho past and my psycho coach are two really big problems. Gilbert could be out there, waiting, just watching us. But somehow, I don't care about him. He doesn't scare me when my mind is already going to wreck my life.

"I don't know why I agreed to coach with you. I can't lead the team," the man confesses. It seems like the night is making us listen to our own hearts and realize our fears.

"I suppose deep down you feel a moral obligation to help them. That and maybe you miss being on a team," I say and the man huffs. "What?"

"How did you know I didn't play in high school?"

I turn to him and he gives me a sour look. He smells of tobacco and his sour face screams he doesn't like me. He feels pity about my sickness. He feels angry that I know so much about him and remind him of his incompetence. He feels scared because he can't deal with my attacks. But most of all I think he feels confused about everything. And all of this makes him dislike me.

"I have watched too many videos to not know everything. The only ones I haven't gotten to are Nekoma, because those haven't come in, and Date Tech," I reassure and the man nods once. He takes a sip of his coffee and then reaches into his pocket. He takes out a cigarette and then a lighter. I quickly rip the stick from his hand and toss it a couple of feet away. He hisses at me and I steal the lighter from his grip. The man tries to take the lighter back but I hit his arm.

"Give it," he whines and I shake my head.

"No smoking when I'm here. You should really quit," I chide and the man moans. He sits back and crosses his arms. There is silence for a bit while I play with the shiny lighter in my hand. I open it and start the flame. It's mesmerizing. I remember watching the flame for hours on end in Switzerland. That and my arms would sting with open wounds. The feeling is nostalgic.

"So you've got stats on every team in our prefecture," he half says and asks, breaking the memories. I tilt my head back and forth, bringing my hand over the flame.

"Yah, everyone but Date Tech," I reply.

My heart sinks with my own words. I'm going to have to watch them eventually. And that means that I will have the knowledge of how to beat Aone. Aone will hate me after that. No matter if he says that he will be here when I'm ready, he won't be there after we beat him. My hand is too hot and I take it from the flame.

"What's with Date Tech?"

"Eh?"

"You keep saying Date Tech with some sad voice," he says strongly. "So what is it with Date Tech?"

"I—"

"Don't you dare! You can't keep me in the dark with everything. You have to tell people things even if you don't want to," he yells into the darkness.

I bite my lip and put my finger over the flame. My skin burns hot with the fire. This man is going to make me tell him everything and it's just tiring. But it's true that I can't keep him in the dark about this. This does affect him and he has to be able to lead the boys if I can't do it. If I can't beat Aone myself, he has to beat him for me.

"There's this boy," I whisper and the man stiffens. Then he does something that surprises me. He starts laughing. I turn red and slam the lighter shut.

"You have a boyfriend from another team!" He roars and I glare at the man.

"He's not my boyfriend," I argue and he somehow manages to laugh harder. His hand pounds on his knee and I pout.

"You like him though. You're sleeping with the enemy!"

"I am not sleeping with anyone," I gasp and hit the man in the arm. He doesn't stop his laughter and I stand up. As he pounds his leg, I throw the lighter into his chest. He's pissing me off. I raise my foot to kick the shit out of him but he puts his hands up in haste.

"I'm sorry! Katrina, I was kidding about the sleeping part. It's just a saying," he screams. I frown at him and lower my foot.

"He's just a friend," I assure as I start to pace. But we want him to be more than that don't we, my voice laughs haughtily. I try to stop the laughter but it just keeps ringing in my brain. "Aone sees me only as a friend."

"Wow, no honorifics," Ukai chuckles. "Seems pretty serious."

"We aren't serious," I hiss but then the word brings the image of the boy in my mind. Chocolate brown eyes stare back at me in my imagination and I feel my face burn in the cool air. "I mean, he's a serious person but we're not like that. He's serious and I'm not, not relationship serious, like smile and personality serious. Not that he isn't kind or is a stick in my mud. He's just, yah, serious."

"Wow," the blonde teases and I just lower myself to the ground.

"I know," I breathe out. "I'm in a bit of a pickle."

"That idiom doesn't translate over very well but yah, you are," he replies and has somehow lighted a cigarette. He lets the cancerous smoke into the air and smirks at me. "Now I know why you need me. You can't bring yourself to spoil your chances with him. You would let your team fail if you didn't have me."

"Don't you dare say that!" I yell quickly. The man flinches and frowns. "I will walk in hell before I let my boys be led by me if I wasn't willing to beat everyone."

There is a tense silence that falls over us. I pull my legs into my chest and wonder how it got to be nine o'clock at night and I'm sitting on the side of the street with a dude much older than me as he decides to kill himself with smoke. What's even scarier is that we are talking about a boy that I shouldn't even know outside of stats in my notebook. But somehow even if this is the strangest thing that has happened in a long time, it doesn't feel exactly wrong.

"Well, from what I've seen of your 'boys' is that you can take them to the top. But you do need me," he murmurs as more smoke fills the air.

"I need them to win, even if it's for my sanity," I whisper to the stars, making wishes from my confused heart.

Because I know it's true. These boys are the only things that are holding me together. I wouldn't be happy or have friends or feel safe if I didn't have them. And they need me to give them the chance. That's all Daichi asked for when he asked me to coach them: just give them a chance. Well, I'm giving them a chance and everything is falling apart and together. My life is a mess. I'm literally falling into imperfect pieces.

* * *

 **I thank everyone who reviews! And thank you to the last reviewer who left me such a great paragraph! You would never believe how helpful and reassuring it is to hear that I'm not butchering creative writing. Thank god for you guys! Please keep up the reviews if you have a chance, really appreciate it. I'm hoping that the next chapters will go on and that Katrina won't fall to pieces. Thank you so much again!**

 **As always, follow, fave, review, obsess. I really lovs yous!**


	14. If It's For You

**Chapter Fourteen: If It's For You**

* * *

" **There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up."**

― **John Holmes**

" **I don't want to live in the kind of world where we don't look out for each other. Not just the people that are close to us, but anybody who needs a helping hand. I can't change the way anybody else thinks, or what they choose to do, but I can do my bit."**

― **Charles de Lint**

* * *

For the tenth time on Wednesday, I tried to make my brain spill out the plays that I wanted the boys to do. Since my medication changed, I haven't heard my inner voice and cannot come up with ideas fast enough. They weren't completely debilitating but they were uncomfortably heavy. The boys wait in front of me as I try to draw the play on the whiteboard in my hand. I stare at the circles and try to hurry my brain with the motions that would be best for a wayward receive.

"Katrina, do you want me to go down the middle?" Daichi asks slowly. I look at the board and then look at the tall boy. He waits for a moment before a worried frown crosses his face. My coworker has not liked my slow thought process and once again makes his opinion apparent in a grunt.

"No," I reply and look back at the board. I wanted Daichi for the receive on the side. Who did I want to take it? Oh, I remember. "Tanaka is going down the middle."

I start the play quickly, the motions coming to mind and the board now littered with arrows and commands. I look up after I have said my piece and they all nod with certainty. They understand what I was going for and they believe me. My hands clench the board a little too tight and I nod for them to go off. They quickly go to the net and the play starts. Ukai stands in his ugly red tracksuit and I have had enough of his grunts and sighs and other noises of dislike.

"Are you sure you don't want me to take over the game strategy?"

"For the millionth time," I hiss at the man, "I am sure."

"But-"

"Ukai, I'm going to skin you alive," I mutter darkly.

The words just popped out of my mouth before I could even think. Not that my slow mind would have taken the words back but they just would have said them with more gusto. Ukai shifts nervously next to me and I fold my arms over my sweater. I can't play while I'm on this medication so I'm still dressed in my uniform. The boys will notice too much of a shift with my skills getting so bogged down. As it is, they're starting to get extremely worried. I just cover up my slow thinking as being tired from research-which I actually am still doing, so it's not a total lie.

"Hitz-chan!" Takeda yells as he is most certainly running to me. I don't turn, knowing the small man is going to have to catch his breath. He can't run very far without getting dead tired. "There's a boy at the gates for you."

My head wheels around and I look at the teacher. The last time that there was someone at the gates for me, I was almost strangled to death. The glasses wearing man looks at me and I can't help but think his nonchalant smile means he's crazy. I give him a solid frown and his eyes widen as he realizes his mistake; he realizes that the sentence is only trouble. Let's hope I'm not killed this time.

"Who is it?" I ask, knowing that if it was Gilbert, my teacher wouldn't have told me. At least I hope he remembers what Gil looks like.

"It is the boy from Aoba Johsai," he whispers but I am now acutely aware of Ukai standing over me. The bleached blonde starts to laugh and I turn a little red. The boy from Aoba Johsai? I don't talk to anyone from over there. The only person that I even made contact with was Oikawa but he wouldn't come to see me right? God, I hope he didn't. I don't want to deal with him right now. But maybe it would be good to get my underlying rage from Ukai out of my system.

"I'm going home. Ukai, I am allowing you to make two new plays," I proclaim to my coworker. The adult is still laughing and I hit him in the stomach. He promptly stops and I give a devilish smile. "If I think they're in any way stupid, I'm not going to let you whine about mine anymore."

With my threat now given, I move to get my bag. Kiyoko watches me carefully and I know that she isn't very happy about me leaving by myself but she knows that she can't stop me. I smile at her but it does nothing to take the worried look from her face. Still moving, I try to slip out before the boys see and actually success. It was extremely surprising and I know that they're going to be pissed that I slipped out before they could walk me home. Oh well.

"It's better to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission," I yell into the air as I enter the soccer field.

I try to think who will be waiting at the gates but find my mind is too tired to really muse about anything at all. The walk is short and I realize that I almost forgot my bike. I sigh and figure I'll just leave it overnight. It's not like I can't take a cab from the train station. As I approach the gates I can see a crowd of people, mostly girls, which are laughing loudly. Who the hell is that?

I'm about to walk away when I hear the girls go silent. Cocking my head I wonder what the person at the center said. I would want to hear but I'm not going to risk going in there. That's just a death wish. But when I turn on my heel, I hear footsteps approaching me. My back gets goosebumps as I realize that I'm vulnerable if they attack from behind and I wheel around to find the pretty boy.

"Hitz-chan," the boy exclaims happily and the girls all glare at me. I give Oikawa a tired look then snarl at the girls. They turn scared and scurry off. "I didn't know if you would actually come."

"Why are you here?" I say in a tired tone. The boy looks into my face and frown at him.

"I was wondering if I could see Tobio," he smirks and I can tell in his voice that he is deadly serious.

"You could but that's going to cost you," I hiss at him, scared of him messing with my small genius.

"Oh, what's your price?" he asks and our voices have turned to dark tones. We both aren't playing.

"Your life," I smile out and the boy flinches. He rises from his close proximity and glares. I keep my smile knowing that he isn't going to see my boys today.

"So mean Hitz-chan," he says as his voice takes on a teasing tone.

"Is that all you came for because if you did," I reply haughtily, "you wasted your time and mine."

"Well, I just didn't come for Tobio," he laughs and the sound is disgustingly perky. I roll my eyes and start walking out the gates. The boy follows after me and is practically skipping by my side.

"Oh not only precious Kageyama," I echo in a high pitch mocking voice. My face crinkles in dislike and my anger is starting to flow out of me. This is a good cathartic experience.

"No I came for you Hitz-chan," Oikawa tells me happily and I stop. I sigh deeply and he comes in front of me. My face turns into an exasperated frown but the boy in front of me doesn't lose his movie star smile.

"What do you want from me?"

"I want to know what happened to you."

I stare at the boy and let my mind process what he just said. He's been digging through my records and now the curiosity got the better of him. He's exactly like me. I would have researched the mysterious coach and when my search came up with holes, I would have to know what happened. But that doesn't mean that I am going to give him information.

"You're out of luck pretty boy. My lips are shut," I say, a bite to my tone. Oikawa flinches slightly in front of me and I push past him.

"But Hitz-chan," the boy whines and my name is said with too much of a similarity to 'bitch' to be an accident. I rearrange my bag on my shoulder and can feel the boy aiming to hit me where it hurts. He achieves his goal with the next threat. "I'll tell them about everything."

I try to keep a blank face but poker has never been my game. How much does he know? If he's even half of what I am, that means he knows a lot. He isn't kidding; he'll tell them. The boys will listen to him and then they'll abandon me. Whatever he tells them will give them leverage to ask me about my life. And I know that the boy isn't lying when he says he will.

"I hate you," I whisper gruffly. The boy chuckles and it's deep and evil.

"I know but you're going to tell me," he states and I flinch this time.

"This is blackmail," I retort and he grabs my arm lightly. He links his through mine and turns us down the road towards the back way to my apartment.

"Not if I buy you a coffee," he argues. I slip my way out from his grasp and fold my arms. I stop and he turns around to look at me.

"I don't like coffee," I complain. The boy opens his mouth to threaten some more until I give a cocky smile. "But I do like tea and cake."

Oikawa smiles largely and I frown. The boy starts to lead the way to wherever he wants, I following slowly. I am really going to regret this but I know what will happen if I don't follow. Oikawa and I are merciless. We don't care about hurt feelings of our enemies. That's why we are dancing around each other with faux teasing. We are terribly mean and we don't like having holes in our knowledge. I'm just happy that I'm a pretty good liar when I see the person as an enemy.

The boy looks back to see if I'm still following. He gives me a goofy smile. I roll my eyes and show that this is not a fun time for me. The smile falls a little and he turns around. We are approaching the ramen shop and the bakery and the coffee house. I hope that this terrible experience will at least get me a free meal. Oikawa looks at the street and stops, probably checking our options. He turns back to me.

"Any preferences?" he smiles and I'm about to hiss at him.

But instead I wait a moment. Do I want to give him hell for making us be seen in public? Yes, yes I do. Therefore I give a shy smile and pull my braid forward. The boy in turn looks at me curiously. I approach him and stand from looking up at him. His chest is almost on my hands and I give a bright smile. The boy blushes lightly and I smirk. My hands brush his vest as they roll the tail of my braid.

"Yah," I say and then roll my lips.

This is really making him nervous. I'm glad that I'm a good actress sometimes. But I think we can step up the heat. My tongue lightly licks my lips and the boy sways. The bottom lip goes in my mouth and I bite it lightly. Oikawa blushes even harder and I wonder how the pretty boy could be blushing like a virgin.

"Okay," he swallows and I giggle.

"My preference is anyone but you," I laugh at his face and push him back. He stumbles and I laugh some more. "God you're such a baby."

"Ugghhh," he groans and turns his back on me.

The remnant of his blush is found in his ears. He turns his back and I can see him fix his white blazer. I really got him flustered. It was actually too easy. I might as well mess with the boy before he rips me open. The boy stands with his back to me and I wait for him to move. When he doesn't I merely throw my braid back and look to the street. Some girls my age are across from us and are no doubt cooing about how pretty the boy is.

"Are you going to recover?" I tease the third year and he huffs.

The boy finally starts to move and I follow after him. He seems to be debating whether the coffee shop would be good or the bakery. But he doesn't lead us to either, walking further down the street. I haven't really been this far down and wonder where we're going. The maid café comes into view and I catch Oikawa throw a smirk to me. Great. He wants to embarrass me now.

"Come on Katrina," he mocks and my name sounds terrible on his lips.

"I am Tooru," I say evilly.

The boy's eyes widen as he turns back around. His ears are blushing from his first name and I smirk with my score. It's two to zero, me. As I think up my next scheme, he opens the door to the café for me. I give a harsh glare at the gesture and we are soon greeted by a young girl with a black bob. She takes one look at pretty boy and her head implodes. Trying to keep her cool, she leads us towards a table in the back. Before I could sit, she had disappeared.

"Have you been here?" Oikawa asks as he opens the menu.

I shake my head as another waitress comes to our table. This one is older than me but maybe a third year. Her hair is dyed a deep red and her costume hugs her body in all the right places. She looks at me and I know she's surprised a girl like me is with a boy like Oikawa. I give her a slight shrug and her eyes widen with my nonchalant nature.

"Hi, what can I get started for you?" she asks, turning to my companion. Her long hair is curly and I have the urge to touch it, but refrain.

"Well I'll take a iced caramel latte," Oikawa chimes in, looking at the girl for the first time. He gives her a dreamy smile and she blushes down to her neck. I roll my eyes as she turns to me.

"I want Earl gray tea, cream with honey," I tell her as she tries to recover. The girl nods her head and leaves without saying anything else.

I look at the menu items and wonder if I'm really hungry. They do have some food items. I won't have to dirty my kitchen if I eat here. Plus I won't have to pay for it since Oikawa dragged me out to begin with. I'll have to take my pills with my meal though. They're the type you have to take with food. I sigh deeply as I look to Oikawa. He's staring at me intently and I roll my eyes at him again, hiding behind my menu.

"Are you planning on eating dinner with your parents?" he asks a little while later. I look over my menu at him.

"My parents are in Germany and I haven't lived with them for quite a while. I live alone so I would rather not dirty my kitchen," I reply with a matter of fact tone. The boy's eyes widen and I can see some of his information was wrong there. "Can I get dinner?"

"Yah," he stutters out, now concerned with my lack of parental supervision. "I'll pay for you."

"I would have hoped," I reply snarkily as the waitress is back with our drinks. She places my tea in front of me and I glance at it. Doesn't look too bad.

"Are you ready to order?" she asks and Oikawa has yet to recover from my attitude. I lower my menu and look at the boy. He is just staring at me and I sigh, bringing my hand up and snapping in his face. He jolts and turns to the waitress.

"I'll take the seafood curry," he tells her and recovers enough for a smile. I can't believe him.

"I'll take the omelet rice," I reply as I hand her my shield. She takes it and then is gone in a flash. Oikawa makes her nervous.

I look across the table and the boy is already sipping his iced coffee. He looks around and I can see the wonder in his eyes at the venue. He's never been in one of these probably—at least that's what I think from his curious gaze. I scratch my arm and then look at my tea. It seems like it's good and I hope they steamed the cream. I take a sip and it burns my tongue but tastes good. They didn't put enough honey but that's okay.

"So," Oikawa starts off and I give him a glare. He just gives me a grin back and goes on with my interrogation. "I want some answers."

"Well before I answer anything pretty boy," I proclaim and sip my tea, "I am going to have to know you won't tell anyone about me."

"So your team doesn't know everything," he mutters and puts his hands underneath his chin, propping his head up.

"They know nothing and it will stay that way. Do you understand me?" I say and my voice is hauntingly angry. The boy tilts his head on his hands and smirks.

"I do but what if it slips out?" he teases and I tap my fingers on the table. Giving him a small smile, I can see him gulp.

"Then I will disappear forever and it will be all your fault," I say sadly and the boy finally realizes that this is serious for me.

"Alright, I promise."

"Alright then."

I sit there for a second and watch the boy stare at me. He's trying to figure me out. His observation must come up with something because he gives me a guilty look. What do I look like? I try to feel my emotions and realize through the haze that I'm scared. I'm terribly scared of telling him but I'm still going to do it. But I'm not going to tell him everything. I'll lie if I have to.

"Why are you here and not in Germany?" he begins and I make a crinkled face at the question. Of all things he could have asked first, this is the question.

"I'm here for health reasons," I say quickly. The boy's face crinkles and he sits back, both hands going to the drink. I don't allow my face to show emotions and merely look into my mug. The foggy white liquid swirls around and I drink again.

"Are you sick?"

"Technically speaking, yes. But my condition can't be cured so it's more of a disorder," I reply.

The boy's hands curl further around the drink, to the point I think he's going to spill the coffee. I take a sip of my tea, ignoring his pitiful stare. Instead I look out the small window to my left. It's a good thing we got the booth in the back. I wouldn't want anyone from school to overhear this conversation. That and they may start the rumor that I'm dating stupid Oikawa. That would be tragic.

There are people outside and they are bustling down the road. There is a couple who sits in front of the bookstore across the street, holding hands. They can't be older than twenty and the boy is laughing. The girl blushes and I can see her red face from here. They seem to be happy. I wonder if I could ever be that happy.

"Katrina," a voice startles me and I jump in my seat. Looking to the boy in front of me, he seems concerned now, the glares and angry teasing having left him completely. "Are you okay?"

"Were you calling me a long time?" I ask quietly and he nods. "I was just thinking."

"But you wouldn't answer," he argues with a low voice and I nod.

"I do that sometimes. Now hurry up with the questions," I mutter and he frowns.

"Are you dying?"

"Why is that everyone's first question when I say I'm sick?"

The boy doesn't take his gaze from me. I sigh and shake my head. He doesn't seem to believe me but I huff a moment later. The waitress comes to our table and serves us our meal. The plate in front of me is steamy and the girl drew a bunny with red sauce on the yellow egg. It seems cute. Oikawa and she exchange some words that I don't bother to focus on and I place my napkin on my lap. When the girl leaves, I start my meal without any prayers.

"You don't like me very much," Oikawa says out of the blue and I look up from my plate. I give him a raised brow and small smile.

"You're barely figuring that out?" I ask with a light chuckle. The boy gives me a pout and I smile at him softly. He isn't that terrible of a person. I just hate him because he's a dirty reminder of my illness.

"Why do you hate me?" He asks quietly and I think I broke Oikawa.

I look at him closely and find that some things between us remain the same. He has bags under his eyes just like me-no doubt from watching countless videos and observing countless plays on a television screen. Then his hands always have to be doing something, just like how his are playing with his silverware and mine are tapping the table. We have multiple layers on, always wanting to have our muscles warm. But there are things that are different-things which I hate the difference between us.

"How many of my games have you watched?" I ask him. He looks at me like this isn't what he wanted to hear but I don't make a move to tell him anything.

"All of them since you were seven," he replies and takes a bite of his food. He must have a good information gatherer to have videos from my childhood. But then again, I was at a very large and competitive team, so we were always taped at matches.

"Did you see the one in Switzerland? The one from the spring of my freshman year?" I ask him and he looks down into his plate.

He pushes food around his plate and throws some rice into his curry. He must have seen it if he's acting like this. I know they were filming that day and I know they recorded me the entire time. It was the fall of a hero-no, the fall of a god. I was so good and I have no doubt that everyone has seen the video. But I can't remember if they filmed when Gilbert ripped off my bandages. I don't think that would be the case, because then Oikawa wouldn't be here.

"What happened that made you leave the tournament in Switzerland?"

The words make me look up from eating and I swallow hard. Oikawa has a look on his face that screams I'm not going to get out of this question. For not wanting to tell him much, I'm doing a great job. Maybe if I once again turn the subject around, he will forget about Switzerland. Or maybe he'll just push harder and harder. I don't care anymore, I have medication that makes my brain too foggy anyways.

"I hate you because you remind me of my past," I proclaim and then reach into my bag. The boy pouts across the table and I take out a bottle of pills. He looks at them with a frown and I can't help but think this is a different kind of pretty boy than the one his fangirls get.

"What is your disorder?"

I open the bottle and take out two pills. Swallowing them down dry, I take a sip of my tea after. Oikawa glares at me from across the table and I shake my head. He shakes his in response. I look out the window again and notice the couple has left. They probably went home, to their shared apartment, where they will cook dinner together and then fall asleep in each other's arms. The words that I will speak shatter any chance I could have that kind of life.

"Paranoid schizophrenia."

I wait for a response but get none. The silence is unbearable. There is no voice in my mind to assure me that everything will be alright. There is no reassurance that this boy won't destroy me. It's just silent and empty. My mind is so empty. I eat my food. It's the only thing I can do so I could pretend I was normal and my brain wasn't a foggy swamp of nothingness.

"What?" Oikawa whispers to me and I look at the boy. His eyes are as big as saucers and his hands clutch each other in fear.

"I am a paranoid schizophrenic. That's why I left Switzerland and that's why I'm here now. Back at the last tournament I wasn't medicated yet and it was hard to think, hard to play. I don't want the boys to know because then they'll just look like you," I say angrily. The boy pushed me too far. I look at him and instill the fear of god with my next words. "If you dare say anything to anyone, I will kill you. I have a good excuse for it in court and don't care if I rot in jail. But if you tell them, there will be hell on earth."

The third year flinches with my tone and nods shakily. Just when I think he's going to get up and leave the psycho girl alone, the waitress shows up. I give her my empty tea mug and request another. The boy across the table doesn't smile at her and she looks at me carefully. She knows something is very wrong but she's going to stay out of it. The girl leaves quickly and returns just as fast, bringing me a new cup of tea. When there is just the two of us once again, Oikawa bites his lip and I know he's going to say something sad.

"I'm sorry," comes the words and I sigh.

"Why do people do that too? It's not your fault. It's no one's fault," I complain. The boy looks at me doubtfully and I sigh. "That's all I'm going to tell you, since you probably know everything else."

The boy nods and for once I don't have to worry about him asking more questions. He's silent as I eat and look out the window. The light is going down and the boys have probably stopped practice and are cleaning up. I'm going to have get home soon. I can't walk in the dark like before. Gilbert is no doubt somewhere. My phone starts to ring as the waitress brings the check. I glance at the amount but Oikawa takes the paper away before I can discern the numbers. Pouting, I open my phone to see a new number.

"Hello?" I speak into the receiver and hear a bunch of shouting in the background.

"Why did you leave before someone could walk you home?" Kageyama yells in the background and I hear a grunt next.

"Where are you?" Tsukki asks in monotone and I sigh.

"I'm at the café across from the bookstore," I reply as I can hear the other boys complaining about me in the background.

"Who are you with?" Hinata asks in a shout and I pull the phone back from my ear. Oikawa looks at me with curiosity and I roll my eyes at my phone.

"I'm with Oikawa," I mutter into the phone and all other noise ceases. The boys don't like Oikawa. The phone is shuffled around and I know Tsukki is going to tease me.

"Oh cheating on your boyfriend already?" the beanstalk asks with a snicker and I bite my lip to keep the profanities from spilling from my mouth.

"We've already gone over this Tsukki," I hiss and Oikawa leans closer across the table to hear our conversation.

"Yah but that doesn't mean that he'll be happy about you seeing other boys," Yamaguchi adds and I rub my eyes. The boy across from me gives me a confused glance and I wave at him while I get up.

"Well wait for us there, we'll take you home," Daichi pipes in and I look at the brown haired boy with me.

"You don't have to take me home. I'll be fine if I go alone," I argue and all the boys shout on the other side.

"No you won't!" Nishinoya and Tanaka say in tandem.

"I'll be fine. It's only a five minute walk," I complain as I wave goodbye to the waitress. We exit the café as the boys argue on the other side. Oikawa I can tell is listening to the boys but when I think about hanging up, Suga steps in.

"Let me talk to Oikawa," our team mother demands and I open my mouth to refuse. "Don't you dare Katrina Hitz. Give the phone to Oikawa. Now."

"Damnit," I mutter. I hand the phone off to Oikawa and he looks at me with a frown. "Suga wants to talk to you."

"Hello?"

I watch Oikawa speak with Suga. The boy's face ranges from angry to sad to happy in the amount of a two minute conversation. The boy also hangs up before I could argue with the team more. I take my phone back and put it in my satchel, Oikawa not moving. I fix my knee high socks and then stand straight up, waiting for him to say something. He doesn't and I groan as I walk down the street. The boy follows me and I know that Suga told him to take me home.

"You don't have to listen to him," I proclaim as I cross the street. Oikawa laughs and I finally get the happy pretty boy back.

"He told me I had to take you home because you have a crazy coach," he says loudly and I pout.

"I do but I can handle myself."

"I know you can but I also know that if something happens to you and I wasn't there, that setter of yours is going to kill me. He threatened to cut off my hair and leave me ugly if I didn't agree," he jokes and I know that his words are the truth.

"They're annoying sometimes."

"Yah but they care about you. I would rather have an annoying team than a perfect one. Problems mean that they care enough to make mistakes," he muses and I look at the boy with slight disgust. What the hell is he? A fricken sage?

"I hate you," I stab but it's more playful than actual hate. He may know things about me but he doesn't ask more than is needed. I also don't feel terrible at telling him about me. Now at least someone knows my secret. Well, one of my secrets.

* * *

"How has the new medication been?" my therapist asks for the fifth time. I think she thinks my answer is different and I'm lying.

"Again, it's fine. I would like to be on the trial but I can live for the three weeks," I reply again. I look at the ceiling and listen to her breathing in the quiet room. She writes more things on her report and I wait for the next question.

"You said you had an attack last week. How was that?"

"It was not so good but my panic attacks never really are. The voices kept screaming at me, calling me names, so the usual. That's why I don't mind the harsher medication. I needed to get off the trial before it didn't work at all."

I turn my head and she is staring at me with a blank face. I don't think she understands what constitutes my attacks. She writes some things down and then draws lines likes she's making a chart. I wait for her to complete her task and look at the sheet of paper in my hand. She asked me to get my blood checked after this, so I'm going to miss the train and Aone. My heart sinks a little and my face frowns. I'm not going to see Aone.

"What do the voices tell you?"

"They tell me that I'm not good enough and that they're watching me. The normal paranoid stuff really and that I need to stop my medication. They call me names like stupid or whore or worthless," I muse and the lady nods her head.

"Why do you think they call you those names?"

"Well I know worthless and stupid are what the girls used to tell me in Switzerland, so the voices just like to bring up old memories. Whore is a relatively new one," I think about it out loud. Why do they call me whore?

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

I guffaw at this question. The woman looks at me carefully and I try to keep the red out of my face as I sit up. Staring at her, I shake my head and bite my lip. The robot of a woman raises one eyebrow and I know that I can't really lie to her. She knows me too well already.

"I don't have a boyfriend," I argue. My voice sounds too small to be taken for truth.

"But there is a boy," she states and she reminds me of Tsukki.

"He's only a friend!" I scream and the woman looks at her clipboard slowly. She starts to scribble things down and I'm blushing to my feet. Why does no one believe me?

"This boy," she starts off but I stand quickly.

"I don't want to talk about this," I scream as I start to pace.

The last thing I would want would be for my therapist to get into my head about Aone. How the hell could I ever look at him again if my therapist puts ideas into my brain? He's supposed to be separate from my disease. I feel more normal with him than anyone else. I can't stand to think that he could know about my problems. He'll just leave me.

"What's his name?" she asks and I shake my head.

"I am not going to talk about him to you. You and he have to stay separate," I murmur. The woman looks at me and then stands. She takes hold of my arm and forces me to stand still.

"Let's go get your bloodwork done."

I sigh and allow her to drag me to the door, her having grabbed my bag. She hands me my satchel and I take out my phone. It's going to be a long time to get my blood drawn and I don't want Aone to think I ditched him. I quickly type out a message without the woman next to me seeing it, and send. It's an apology and tells the boy to go ahead without me. I frown slightly as the woman tries to grab my phone but I shove it into my sleeve.

We walk some more and I feel the phone vibrate within my sleeve. Did Aone really respond that quickly? Looking at the message, I feel guilty. Maybe I should have told him closer to the train leaving so he couldn't tell me he would wait. But the message stares at me and I try to decide what path I want to take.

 **I'll wait for you. I don't want you to ride the train by yourself. Where are you so I can pick you up?**

I bite my lip lightly and I can feel the woman staring at the phone. I don't even try to hide it as we enter the waiting room that leads to the blood nurses—at least that's what I call them. My heart starts to beat rapidly with the expectation of taking off my sleeve and showing my scars. I hate them so much. My lip begins to hurt badly as I think about what I should tell Aone. But for once, I am happy for the mind numbing drugs. This means that if Aone leaves me now, I won't feel it until the emotions are gone and I'm back on the trial.

 **I'm at Sendo hospital. I'll be out in twenty minutes. You don't have to pick me up. I don't want you to be late.**

I sit next to my doctor and tap my phone on my knee a couple of times. The time passes and I wonder if I insulted the boy. He shouldn't have to wait for me. He shouldn't have to care for me like that. I hate being sick. But as the phone buzzes with a response, I feel my face brighten. The doctor next to me reads the message with me and I know she's smiling softly.

 **I don't care about being late. I am more concerned with you riding the train alone. I'll be waiting outside.**

I smile dumbly at my phone until someone calls my name from the front of the room. My doctor stands with me and we make our way to the hall of blood drawing rooms. When we go in, a nurse sits me down and I look at my psychiatrist with fear. I don't want to see them. The woman nods her head blankly and reaches for my sleeve. She undoes the button and I close my eyes. With my bare arm feeling the air, the hair on my neck rises. I hate my arms.

Between my doctor and the nurse, I am positioned like a rag doll and then prodded with a needle. The metal doesn't really affect me and I squeeze my eyes tighter. It feels like hours that my eyes are closed but I know they're really minutes. When I feel a bandage being attached to my arm, tightly wound with tape, I sigh in relief. My shirt is replaced and I open my eyes, fixing the button. I get up and smile to the woman only to have her stare at me blankly.

"I'll walk you to the front," my doctor proclaims and she straightens her jacket.

I frown at her, knowing she just wants to see my friend. I shake my head but the woman finally gives me a human response. This is in the form of a deep scowl. I sigh with her angry expression and nod. She really wants to see Aone. Is it because she is worried about me or is it because she's curious? I don't know really.

We walk through the halls together and when we get to the front, I get nervous. What if Aone is really going to leave me? He's going to see my doctor and he might just freak out. How am I going to ride the train with him and remember this? I'll just have to detach myself from him. My heart clenches and I feel sad about never talking to the silent boy ever again. He's my friend.

My doctor and I step out of the automatic doors and look to the street. For a moment I have the realization that Aone might not be here. He doesn't have to be here. No one has to be with me. But as I turn to the right to go towards the bus stop, I freeze. The boy is standing awkwardly next to the door and is staring at his phone. His uniform looks even better on him than last week and it's probably only because I can stare at him like weirdo. His hands hold a small paper bag and I wonder if he went to the bakery. My slow mind then has the sudden idea that he could have been waiting for longer than I could have thought.

I panic and my doctor lays a hand on my shoulder as my hands flail slightly. I look at her and she smiles down softly at me, reminding me once again that she is actually a person and not a different kind of being who is always a doctor. The boy is avoided by people as they go into the hospital, his large stature and his concentrated face making people scared. My face fits into a large smile as I practically run to him.

When I'm in front of him he looks over and goes back to his phone. But when his brain catches up that it's me, his whole body shifts and he stands taller than before. His hand suddenly juts forward as he hands me the bag. I feel that they're cookies and I smile up at the boy. His face becomes happy and my doctor clears her throat next to us-forcing both of us to jump into the air.

"I am Doctor Morinozuka," she introduces as her hand goes out to Aone. I give him a sympathetic look but he takes my doctor's hand, his face serious.

"Aone Takanobu," he says deeply and I wring my hands with the exchange.

My doctor looks up at him and I can tell she's reading him carefully. My eyes feel like a tennis ball jumping from each person when they release hands. I silently pray that my doctor won't embarrass me or make Aone uncomfortable. She glances at me and her blank face gives nothing away.

"I see you don't go to Karasuno. How did you two meet?" she asks, the question posed for both of us. Aone looks at me and I give an invisible nod as I take the lead in the conversation.

"Aone goes to Date Tech so we ride the train together and he gets off a couple stops before me," I tell her and she nods. She looks at the boy again and I have unconsciously made the shift to his side.

"Well I'm glad you don't ride alone. Please continue to take care of Katrina," she says and then bows. I jump with her words and look to my side at Aone. He bows back to the woman and I try to keep my hands from flailing with embarrassment.

"I will," Aone responds as they both rise.

I can see his face holds the words like a promise. My face turns a little red and I watch my doctor smile a teasing smile at me. Damn the robot woman for growing a personality. The woman completes the exchange with a nod to both of us. She retreats into the hospital and I don't move for a few passing moments. Why does it feel like Aone passed some test?

"Well," I say holding the word for longer than necessary. Turning to my companion he seems happy about something though no smile is on his face. "We have to catch the bus."

Aone nods and I lead the way to the bus stop. A minute later we're on the bus on our way to the station. People on the bus stare at Aone and no one sits next to us. Some people give him looks of anger or disgust and I glare at each and every one of them. How dare they do that to Aone! He's too sweet to receive this kind of treatment. When we get off the bus I'm steaming and Aone has to pull me away before I can confront a suit and tie.

The boy holds my arm softly as he leads us to the ticket machine. He lets go only to go through the electronic options. I turn back and flip off the guy who is looking at us from a distance. The man glares at me and Aone grabs my shoulder lightly as he turns me back around. I clench my jaw as I get my card out to pay for the ticket. Aone purchases his next and we make our way to the platform, no one bothering us now.

Before anyone could give us dirty looks, we board the later train and find our regular seats unoccupied. I plop myself down and watch Aone place himself carefully on the seat—as if it could break just by him touching it. Between the two of us, we have wildly different personalities. I'm the aggressive one, ready for a fight and careless with things, while he's the passive one, tries to keep the peace and is careful with the smallest of tasks. He is so considerate and I am just a broken person who can't be put back together.

"Thank you for picking me up. Just so you know you don't have to, even if I'm a girl," I proclaim as I open our pastries.

Aone must have gotten the cookies from my normal place because they look the same. I take a chocolate one out and hand the boy the bag. Our hands brush one another and his skin is hot against mine. My skin is always freezing, no matter how many layers I wear. Aone smiles down at me and nods.

"I don't mind if it's you," he grunts out and I blush with his words.

I look at the cookie in my hand and smile as I take a bite. The boy is really poetic when I think about it. He's always saying the lines that come out of a Jane Austen novel. But I think I like that. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Maybe I should start reading Pride and Prejudice again to brush up on girlish charm 101.

The boy pushes the bag into my hand and I look at him. He's looking at me and I raise a brow. He seems embarrassed as I watch his hand go to his neck. I watch as he turns pink and I can feel myself turn slightly pink next to him. The sunlight is coming in harder through the train window and illuminates his hair and eyes. He is amazing.

"What's wrong?" I breathe out as I expel my embarrassment. His hand slowly points to his tie. I look at the yellow cloth and notice he once again has it knotted wrong. "Come here."

I place the cookies back on my lap and motion for him to turn. He turns and has placed his serious expression to hide the embarrassment on his face. My hands go to his neck and shake like last time. But they seem to have gotten used to the familiar motion of untying his tie and fixing his collar. The boy can't tie a tie can he?

"How do you live without me?" I ask and realize too late that I said the words out loud.

I blush to my chest as the boy snorts. I continue to fix the tie as the boy's face turns to an almost teasing smile. His eyes shine brightly as they are wide, showing the magnificent chocolate brown shade. The boy's lips are slightly upturned but it somehow keeps the serious nature. I don't know if people can even see the smile it's so small. But the important thing is, is that I see it.

My hands had continued their job when I finally realize his tie is perfect. I rest my hands on his chest as I inspect my handiwork. That's when I notice the beating of a heart through the boy's sweater. It pounds rapidly and I realize that Aone is just as nervous as me. It makes me relieved and I look at him in the face, giving him a shining smile. He nods once and I understand it's his thank you.

"If it's for you, I don't mind," I say as I slink back into my seat.

If it's for him, I wouldn't mind a lot.

* * *

 **Hey everybody. I almost had this done on Friday but then I was like no let's go a whole different direction and make me work twice as hard to fix everything and then still feel like the chapter doesn't fit or that Oikawa doesn't seem like he's in character and then let's watch the new episode which just aired and fangirl for too long and forget to do your Latin homework. This weekend was stressful. So sorry for the late update. Thank you for all the reviews! They're so positive and make me so happy. I noticed that I did throw in whore as an insult and I will address that further on. But for now the voices are going to be gone for a couple of weeks-which is good but bad because Katrina can think without fear of being invaded but also she can't think and play because she's too foggy. Also Kemna. He's coming up and I am so excited for him. I want to make him bffs with Katrina. It's going to be a sad chapter that one. Oh well.**

 **As always, follow, fave, review, obsess. Thank you for all the reviews and loves yous guys!**


	15. One Song Two Weeks Several Truths

**Chapter Fifteen: One Song. Two Weeks. Several Truths.**

* * *

" **Our sweetest songs are those of saddest thought."**

― **Percy Bysshe Shelley, The Complete Poems**

" **Two weeks together, that's all it took, two weeks for me to fall in love with you.** **"**

― **Nicholas Sparks, Dear John**

" **If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."**

― **Mark Twain**

* * *

A week and a half passed after the day Aone picked me up at the hospital. Between that time I had seen him again and embarrassed myself further. The boy had me yet again fix his tie and some girl our age snickered with my red face. To my surprise Aone didn't put up with that and gave her a frown. She got scared from his serious expression and I felt touched that he stuck up for me. I had been debating if I could tell him about what was wrong with my head but pushed the idea further and further into soul. I couldn't lose him yet. I had to have just a little more time with him-days would be fine or just one more train ride. I couldn't give him up and fall apart.

But for now, I'm concentrating on the boys and the training camp that begins today. We have a week and the practice match is on Saturday. I had planned to take Friday off and go spy on Nekoma at Tsukinokizawa, not telling the boys. Mentioning my name or my legendary coach's name gets me access to just about anywhere. But what is bugging me is that Thursday I'm going to have to make the trip to Sendai. Not only do I have my scheduled therapy appointment but they want me to do another blood test. This is all because tomorrow I'm back on the trial.

For now though, my mind is still a hazy mess as I watch the boys. I've started to implement a double setter strategy with Hinata and Kageyama always being in the front together and Sugawara and Asahi the other pair. It's extremely shaky and I know I'm going to have a hell of a time with it if I try it with Nekoma. But we have to start working on it in a professional setting and not just in scrimmages. I have to see if they can actually hang with it.

"Kageyama come here," I call out to the boy. He turns to me and I wave at him with an exasperated look. He's been like this all day. He doesn't set for the front when he's back row and it's cramping his style. The boy drags his feet slightly and I can see the frustration in his eyes at having to share. But he's trying to be a good sport about it with his senpai, so I have to give him some credit.

"What am I doing wrong?" Kageyama says, a grouchy tone to his voice. I feel my left eye twitch and know tonight's dinner might be hell if I don't straighten them out before then.

"You're not doing anything wrong. I just want you to come further in and help Nishinoya. You don't have to worry about having to set so you can receive the first ball," I tell him and he flinches slightly with my words.

Okay, maybe not a good thing to tell him. No hun, you don't set anymore, sorry. Who am I kidding? That is terrible. I go to him and pat his arm. His skin is hot and clammy and wet. I try to keep my face from going disgusted when the liquid rolls between my fingers but it doesn't work. I bite my lip as the grimace comes on but Kageyama catches my look. He glares and I start to hold back the laughter. It doesn't work and I wipe my hand on the front of his shirt.

"Ew," he whines and I wipe harder. He blanches and tries to swat my hand away. "Katrina you're disgusting."

"You need to get a towel to wipe yourself and not just use your poor sweater. Thank god you guys are taking a bath tonight," I giggle and then push him back onto the court.

"We will not stink in front of Kiyoko-san!" Nishinoya and Tanaka yell ferociously from the court. I nod my head and mutter 'yah yah' under my breath. Everything for Kiyoko. I look to the girl and she just gives me a small smile.

"You hear that," I whisper to her as I come to her side. The girl raises a perfect eyebrow and I smile like a Cheshire cat. "You're the reason why they're so clean. The minute you graduate they're going to be stinky as hell for me."

The girl laughs quietly and I can feel Ukai staring at me. He doesn't like my nonchalant way of coaching very much. He's actually much harsher than I am and would work the boys until they puked if he could. I knew that that wasn't fun for any of us and I worked them to the point right before they threw up. The blonde man comes to us and I can see our faculty advisor coming over. He had to run over and get the keys to the facility we're using.

"Hitz-chan," the teacher calls as I nod as he crosses the middle of the court in a run. The boys look at the man, Tsukki and Yamaguchi giving the look that says they want to play some foul joke. They glance at me and with my face, they shiver. I smirk after they turn away from my death glare. Serves them right for trying to take advantage of the poor literature teacher. The man makes it in front of me and hands me a set of keys.

"These are to the kitchen?" I ask and watch the man nod. "Kiyoko and I will get dinner started a little before everyone leaves. But you guys have to get the beds set up."

"About that," Takeda starts and he rubs the back of his neck. He's concerned about something. "Are you staying with Shimizu-chan?"

I look to the girl and see her exasperated expression. She had tried to convince me to stay the night with her instead of with the boys but I refused. The last thing I would want would be for her to ask why I only wore long sleeves. That or she would probably try to find out about Thursday during the week and I wouldn't get out of her house undetected. At least I know that my boys sleep like rocks and I can sneak out to go to the hospital.

"No," I reply after a moment and the man's face crinkles. "They won't do anything to me."

"That isn't what I think but it isn't proper for a young lady to sleep with boys," he says strongly and I am surprised his tone could be so firm. I shake my head at him and he in turn frowns deeply.

"I am not a proper young lady Sensei," I declare, my arms crossing over each other. The man seems like he's going to argue more but I again shake my head. "I can't stay with Kiyoko and if I don't stay with the boys, I'll go home. But they won't allow that because then I will walk home in the dark."

"I can take you home," Ukai offers and I feel their harsh arguing eating at my certainty. I want to stay with them. I had planned on staying with the boys. But just maybe it's not the right choice.

"I just want to stay with them. They're my friends," I whisper and the three people around me turn frozen. "I promise I won't do anything. I just, I used to stay with my team in hotels and stuff when we went to tournaments. With summer camps I slept with the boys of the camp and stuff. But I don't want to be a nuisance, I just wanna be like back then."

The people are silent and I smile softly at them to reassure that they shouldn't feel bad. Takeda looks down and Ukai frowns his ugly scowl. Kiyoko seems a little hurt that I don't want to stay with her but it won't be the same. I can stay with Kiyoko at any time but this is a training camp. In America, they didn't care if I was with the boys, but they let me stay at the camp with everyone. I thought that this would be the same. But here isn't the same. I am not the same Katrina. I'll have to adjust.

"Hitz-chan," Takeda sighs and I shake my head.

"I'm sorry. I'm being silly. Japan is different from where I've been and I'll go home after we have dinner. Ukai can walk me to the market and I can make it home after that. I shouldn't stay with the boys," I concede and nod my head. The man in front of me looks at my face with pity.

"You're not going to stay with us?" Hinata asks, the boys having come to us with our quiet conversation. They always seem to know when something is wrong and I am glad for that.

"Well," Takeda stutters, the whole team looking at him with confused faces.

"We thought she was going to spend the week with us," Ennoshita adds, his gaze shifting to me. I try to cover up my disappointment with a comforting smile but it doesn't seem to be working.

"You know," I say, making my voice reassuring, "I'm a girl. Maybe I shouldn't stay with you guys after all. I can go home and Ukai will walk me from here. You guys stay at the facility."

"But we won't do anything to you," Daichi says with concern. I nod my head.

"I know that but it won't look good," I argue, now taking the same stance as Takeda.

"Why wouldn't it look good?" Kageyama asks with a confused face. Damn is he dense. I sigh and Tsukishima is the one that actually steps up to my defense.

"Who gives a damn?" Tsukki hisses and I look at the beanstalk. His face says that he hates this whole situation. "You staying with us doesn't affect anyone else. You are going to stay with us like you said."

"Tsukki's right," Yamaguchi adds and I smile largely. Asahi scratches his face and gives me a goofy smile.

"I don't see a problem," he announces and the boys all nod. Takeda puts his hands up and the boys all glare.

"Katrina is staying with us and that's final," Sugawara says darkly and the two adults next to me flinch. The boy then smiles and his mole sticks out on his shining face. I smile at them.

"Thanks guys," I breathe out and they look at me. The boys are all sure of themselves and it makes my decision that much more solidified. "Now go finish up. Kiyoko and I have to start dinner. Any requests?"

"Pork curry," Kageyama says suddenly and his face is hysterical. "Can we have pork curry?"

"Alright, alright," I tease the boy and he literally breathes out his worry. I look to my female companion and she gives a small shrug. "I'll make some _Kartoffelpuffer."_

The girl nods and we head out the gym and to the facility. I have my bag at my hip, having gotten it before we left, the weight of it hurting my shoulder. I packed so much stuff. There are so many bandages and then so many long sleeve shirts and sweatshirts. And don't even get me started on the socks! Kiyoko is silent and when I look at her, I can tell that something is wrong. She probably feels hurt that I don't want to spend time with her. I smile at her but she tries to look forward. When she refuses to make eye contact, I stop us at the door of the building.

"Hitz-chan, you have the keys," she mutters and I step in front of her face. She looks down and I sigh.

"Kiyoko please tell me what's wrong," I coax and she looks up a little.

"Are you my friend Hitz-chan? You think the boys are your friends but am I your friend too?"

I look at her and realize that I have never really told Kiyoko anything that made her think that I was her friend. I ask her for advice and we talk about the boys and joke, but I have never called her my friend. The girl probably thinks I'm a terrible person. She probably thinks I use her but don't care about her. Which is the exact opposite of what I think. She's my only friend that is a girl; she's special to me. I grab her hand softly and squeeze it.

"Kiyoko," I speak and the girl jumps without the honorifics even though I rarely use them. "Of course you're my friend. You're my best friend really. Who else do you think I ask about Aone or I trust to tell me if I'm too loud? Who else do you think will laugh at my stupid jokes? Who else will I tell things that the boys don't even know? You're my closest friend I have. You're my best friend."

The girl looks at me and blushes heavily. I smile at her and pull her to me. She hesitates for a moment and I stop the movement. Then all of a sudden the girl is in my arms and I am hugging her. She smells sweet but not the overpowering kind of sweet. Instead I feel like she's the closest thing to a sister I could ever achieve. The poor girl is dedicated to the boys as much as I am but she gets only half of the recognition.

I hold her tighter for a moment and wonder when she was last hugged. The boys hug me all the time. They always try to reassure me and I realize that to Kiyoko, I have to be her cheering team. I have to be the one here for her. She's my best friend. For the last moment before she pushes me away, I close my eyes and imagine for a moment, she's my mother. It's a sad fact that I'm thinking of her when I should be concentrating on the girl in front of me, but I wonder just how she is.

"You're my best friend too," Kiyoko whispers and I let go of her.

"I will sleep over at your house next weekend. I promise," I vow and she nods. Her dark eyes are beautiful in their longing for friendship and my light eyes are somehow no longer lonely looking.

* * *

To my surprise dinner was great and the boys have all showered. This meant that it was my time to shower and I made my way to the bathroom humming. Of course while Kiyoko was making dinner with me, she started with some really old classic songs—both English and Japanese—and I have one on repeat in my brain. It's Elvis's I can't help falling in love with you—the Ingrid Michelson version Kiyoko corrected me. She likes all the sappy songs, which I don't mind every now and then.

My hair is loose and flows behind me like a cape as I walk to the bathroom. The words start to echo through the halls mixing with the boys' screams. The boys are going to hate me singing all night but it wasn't my fault it was a really catchy tune. Plus I was actually pretty excited to shower and its all because Doctor Suoh agreed that I didn't have to call him if I was staying with the boys. The trade off from not having to have the man listen to my shower was that my psychiatrist had to check me on Thursday. Which I would rather have, to be honest.

As I enter the bathroom with a towel, pajamas and socks, and basket of showering supplies, I realize that the bathroom looks really similar to the one in Switzerland. As my feet pad on the cold tile floor, I control my breathing. The tiles were cream and the area was open and large. Maybe I should have stayed with Kiyoko. But I look around and with my head so full of mist, I deflate quickly. Sometimes the meds are a godsend, and other times like when I wanted to play, they were absolutely horrific.

My humming begins to fill the air, my fear of having the voices scream demolished by a couple of chemicals circling my brain. When I go on the trial tomorrow, I'll have to be more careful with my showers and take them after I take my pills. I can't do it before my pills or we're going to have an episode. I can't do that to the boys during this trip. We have to have fun and I have to make sure nothing goes wrong.

The water is turned on and I wait for it to get hot, the only shower head in the whole place. The bathroom was more bath than shower and I stood in the corner of the room. My body was stripped of armor and I got under the water that was somewhat cold. My face cringes as the liquid turns warmer. Thank god the boys didn't waste all the hot water in the tank. My hair gets heavy with the water as the words to the song come to my mind.

" _Wise men say, only fools rush in. But I can't help, falling in love,_ " I sing into the tiles room. The words bounce off and the acoustics sound gorgeous. " _With you. Shall I stay? Would it be a sin?_ "

I start to suds up my hair and wonder for the millionth time if I should cut it. But just when I think I'm going to chop it off, I chicken out. Does the long hair even look good on me? I means some girls look really good with it and some can totally rock the short pixie cut but what can I do? Maybe I should have a haircut to at least shorten it from mid back to a little past my shoulders.

But what if Aone actually likes my long hair? God he shouldn't really come into my head right now. If I wanna cut my hair I shouldn't care what a boy thinks. I shouldn't change myself for anyone. But what if Aone actually loves my stupid long braid? That would be nice to have reassurance I don't look like an ugly Rapunzel. I think I'll keep it for a while until I find out. Just so, you know, see if I want to cut it or if, like, Aone likes it long.

" _But I can't help falling in love with you,"_ my voice is soft but my smile is clear through the water running down my face. " _Like a river flows surely to the see. Darling so it goes, some things are meant to be_."

I'm going to have to tell Takeda that I'm sneaking out on Thursday. The boys all know that on Thursdays I do something but I told them that Suoh comes checks on me and we have breakfast. They didn't really buy it but they just know on Thursdays that I should be at school by second period. But since I'm sleeping with the boys, it's going to be slightly harder to get out. I'm just banking they sleep harder with being exhausted from training.

" _So take my hand, and take my whole life too. Cause I can't help falling with you_ ," I say and for once my voice holds strong on a high note. " _Please, just take my hand and take my whole life too. Because I can't help falling in love, in love with you. Cause I can't help falling in love with you._ "

I finish with the shower and immediately wring my hair out. My arms flash before my eyes and I turn away before I can get caught in the scar's web. My hair is immediately lighter and I move to put on my pajamas. I have black yoga pants to hide my ankles and a long sleeve Karasuno gym shirt to hide my arms. I put my wet hair in a messy bun atop my head. As I exit I continue to hum and when I turn the corner quietly, I find the boys all standing in a group.

"Guys?" I ask as they all look at me guiltily. "What are you doing?"

No one answers and I can feel the blush want to come out but force it down. They all turn, walking off quickly and I watch as Asahi stays back. He seems a little nervous and I don't understand why they were all hiding. Were they waiting for me to get out of the shower? But why do they look so guilty? I turn my eyes to the soft third year and he smiles nervously as I raise a brow.

"You didn't tell us you could sing," he says softly and my face has a confused look.

"I can't," I reply with a frown. Asahi chokes on air and then begins to walk away. I follow and he looks at me from the side.

"But you can," he argues and I scoff at him.

"You guys are crazy," I laugh as we get to the room where we will sleep.

As we enter, the rest of the boys are already on their beds and look to me expectantly. I raise a brow as I drop my stuff near the corner with the rest of my bags. The noise in the room then grows louder. I can hear conversations about the upcoming matches and grievances of Kiyoko leaving and then insults mixed with whines. Moving to where I would sleep, the boys decided to put me between Tsukki and Kageyama at the center of the first years. Tsukki is laying down and staring at the ceiling with his headphones on. Sitting next to him, I hit him in the arm.

"What?" he asks grumpily and I snicker. When I don't say anything he pulls the headphones down slightly and turns his head.

"You better not snore," I tease and he frowns.

"And if I do, it's your own fault," he mutters. He's about to put the headphones back on but I touch his arm gently. I smile at him gratefully.

"Thanks for sticking up for me."

The boy rolls his eyes as he puts the headphones back on. Though a small smile that would be taken as cocky, could be seen as real on his face. I turn towards our young genius and he's arguing with Hinata on the other side of him. I roll my eyes and reach for my stats book, memorizing the stats on Nekoma. I barely had enough time to get everything down. I'll get more info on Friday so it won't really matter.

"Katrina," Kageyama whines in a deep tone. I turn to see him and find Hinata looking at me expectantly. "Dumbass Hinata says he wants to play a game."

I raise my brow at the boy and the ginger bounces. What games do we play at sleepovers? Oh god. They want to play truth or dare. Daichi is going to kill us or worse yet, they're going to ask me terrible questions. But with my mind the way it is, maybe it's time to tell them just a little bit. They trust me so I can start trusting them.

"What kind of game?" Tanaka asks from my feet and I identify the mischievous smile on his face as dangerous. Nishinoya jumps and almost lands on Tanaka, rolling into his own bed.

"What are you guys doing?" Daichi asks suspiciously and we all freeze.

"Nothing," Nishinoya tries to cover up as our captain stares at us. The third year has his clothes in his hands as he folds them to put away. His look is disbelieving.

"Lights out are in thirty minutes," he announces and turns to his fellow third years. I don't know where the rest of the second years are when the door opens to reveal Takeda.

"Lights out in an hour," he announces and I giggle with Daichi's face. He holds back a glare at the small teacher as the door closes.

"Thirty minutes," the captain reiterates and the boys around me throw hopeful glances. I understand their mind and look at the captain with an innocent face.

"But I thought Ukai said we wouldn't go to sleep until an hour from now. How is my hair going to dry in thirty minutes?" I say and my voice is saddened. Daichi frowns and I don't flinch with his look. He sighs in the next moment.

"An hour but not a minute more," he concedes as he sits down next to Suga.

The silver haired boy raises a brow at me and I take my hair out of the bun. The boy smiles softly and I return the gesture. Then I motion for Hinata to hand me my bag. The ginger grabs it and throws it across Kageyama. I rummage through the bag as Yamaguchi comes closer to us, Tsukki ignoring our entire group.

"Okay so what game?" Yamaguchi asks as I bring my wet hair forward to brush. It has tangles and the whole chore is going to take a while. I scoot over for the brown haired boy who sits next to me.

"How about truth or dare?" Nishinoya whispers excitedly and I just roll my eyes at them. Kageyama looks at me and I realize we might be his first friends ever.

"How do you play?" he asks me and I breathe in, realizing I haven't played in years. I turn to Tanaka and he takes the lead.

"You pick one: truth or dare. If you choose truth you have to tell the truth of the question we ask you. If you chose dare you have to do it or else you have to do two other dares," he whispers excitedly.

I smile at the second year and can see Hinata jumping in his bed while sitting. How he can even accomplish this feat is beyond me but he looks excited. Yamaguchi grabs my pillow and kneads it with his hands, his nervousness showing slightly. He looks at me and seems concerned with the game but I shrug at him to show that I'll be fine. Nishinoya looks at Kageyama with a mischievous face, the second year's hair falling over his forehead.

"You can go first Kageyama," the libero proclaims and Kageyama stiffens next to me. I brush my hair a little harder, scared for my friend. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth," he grumbles and I can see Tanaka's eyes widen with surprise. The two older boys look at one another and I have the feeling they're scheming with all of us.

"Do you like anyone?" Tanaka asks quickly before any of us can offer a question. I feel my curiosity peek out from its hidden box in my brain. We're in the same class and plenty of girls say he's good looking but since he's always sleeping and isn't very bright, he's not boyfriend material. Kageyama keeps a blank face and his voice is blunt.

"No, I don't have time," he replies. The silence between our group grows until I start giggling. My hands try to stop the noise by covering my mouth but it doesn't help. He's so much like a child. So straightforward and even a little stupidly obsessed with one thing.

"I'm sorry," I breathe out as I can hear Tsukki snicker with Yamaguchi joining him. "You just love volleyball so much."

"You're lame," Hinata proclaims and Kageyama soon has a hand squeezing the ginger's head.

"Dumbass Hinata," he growls out. "This is why you aren't getting any better."

"You're the dumbass Bakeyama," Hinata argues as he tries to escape the setter's grasp. I stop giggling before the situation will alert the captain of our shenanigans.

"Oh stop it," I chide and they separate. "Hinata, you go next."

"Okay, I wanna do a dare," he chirps and I smile this time. Yamaguchi smiles a devious smile next to me and I think of what we can get Hinata to do. Hinata waits patiently to my surprise and my hands go back to untangling my hair.

"I dare you," Yamaguchi starts off and I think with him. "Not to eat eggs this entire week."

"That isn't a dare!" Hinata screams and I turn to see the third years too engulfed in their conversation to hear—but with Sugawara's look I think they just didn't want to reprimand us.

"Yes it is," I urge. The ginger falls into his bed face first and moans into the blankets. Kageyama cracks a smirk and crosses his arms.

"Who's next?" Tanaka asks as he surveys us. I tilt my head at Nishinoya.

"Just keep going around the circle," I offer and Nishinoya nods his head with certainty and a large smile.

"I'll do a truth," he says courageously. I smirk and feel my hair slowly dry. What do I want to know from Nishinoya?

"Would you have really quit the team if Asahi wouldn't come back?" I ask quietly. The boy's face falters and he frowns deeply.

Tanaka looks at me with a slightly angry look but I want to know. Hell, I think Tanaka would want to know too. The libero's face changes into a sad look when he realizes what his answer was. I wait patiently with the others.

"If you hadn't been there, I would have quit," he mutters softly and I nod my head. The impact I have on these boys is a large one.

I smile at him to show him that I am not angry in any sort of way. He could have quit if I hadn't been there to tell him that he was a coward for abandoning those boys. Asahi could have never come back if I hadn't told him he was selfish for thinking he was the only one who had to win. Or maybe these boys would still be a team even if I never existed in their lives. If I had stayed away from the sport and hadn't entered the gym and seen Kageyama and Hinata, I could be alone right now. Maybe I'm just giving in too much to my feelings.

"I'm next and I choose dare," Tanaka breaks the atmosphere, folding his arms across his chest. I smirk at Nishinoya and I know that he has recovered from my invasive question. Nishinoya looks at his partner in crime and I have the feeling that this dare isn't going to be pretty.

"I dare you to knock on Takeda-sensei's door tonight at midnight," the boy says devilishly. Tanaka blanches for a moment and I think he might cave. But the huge smile that crosses his face in the next moment tells me that he isn't going to let us win.

"That's not a problem," he laughs out. I giggle at him while I shake my head. These boys are crazy.

"You're turn Yamaguchi," I say to keep the game going. I have the realization that I'm next and I am going to have to tell them something. I would rather not do a dare because what if they try to get out of suicides or worse yet, want to see my arms for some god forsaken reason.

"I choose truth," he whispers nervously and Hinata pipes in with a question before I can even breathe.

"Has Tsukki always been an ass?"

Before Yamaguchi could frown I burst out into laughter. Nishinoya and Tanaka join me a moment later and we are suddenly shushed by our captain. The three of us attempt to control the giggles but we sadly don't succeed. I finally stop when Tsukki lightly punches me in the arm. I turn to find him glaring and also discover Yamaguchi looking to Tsukki for help. The blonde doesn't say anything as he turns back to the ceiling, leaving Yamaguchi to fend for himself.

"Well," Yamaguchi starts off and looks to me for help. I put my hands up in surrender and Yamaguchi looks at Hinata. "Not really. He wasn't as bad when we were really little but he's always been snarky."

I snort at this and murmurs of acceptance flow out of everyone's mouths. My heart starts to pump harder as the boys turn to me. They look at me and they finally realize that this maybe wasn't the best game for me to play. But I nod to reassure them that it's alright. The reluctance in their eyes doesn't fade and I smile gently, making myself strong enough to tell the truth.

"I'll do a truth, so make it good," I announce and they all stiffen with worry. "I'll be fine."

"Alright," Hinata murmurs and I wait for someone to ask me a question. I think they feel like they're disarming a bomb which they don't know whether to cut the blue or the red wire-and the wrong choice can blow up in the faces and we'll all start back at square one.

"Will you ever play on a girls' team again?" Kageyama whispers and all the boys shoot him glares. They really didn't want to ask me something that would hurt me.

"I," my voice breathes out. My reassuring smile falters but I force myself to speak. "I don't think so. I can't and won't, so no."

The boys all find themselves surprised I actually told them a definite answer. Normally I just tiptoe around the subject and refuse to go on any further. But they now have some answer to their many questions. But I think what makes them the happiest as the game goes on, is that they realize I'm beginning to trust them more and more. I am happy that I am beginning to trust them more and more. We're just happy—happy with the truth.

* * *

Thursday morning, before the sun was even up, before the birds were singing in the sky, before my boys were even done dreaming, I was dressed and was attempting to sneak out. I had actually dressed in a dress with tights and my hair was wet and open. I would actually be leaving if I hadn't foolishly left my wallet in my bag instead of taking it with me when I was showering. But I needed the credit card to get back, so I had to go back walk into the lion's den.

So opening the door quietly, I take off my converse and leave them by the door. I walk over the second years and hold my breath. The boys all softly snore and I step between the freak spike duo. When Kageyama murmurs in his sleep, I hesitate. I'm almost to my bag as I take a large step over the talking boy. Letting out a breath of relief, I reach into my bag while still on my bed.

But I don't get a chance to breathe again. I nearly shriek as something cold grabs my ankle suddenly. Trying to rip my clothed leg back, the thing pulls me down and I fall with a thump—though the thump was relatively quiet with my light body. My hands go to my mouth to hold in my muffled screams. Calming down from this episode, I look to my ankle to find a hand with long fingers wrapped around me. The hand leads back to a sleepy beanstalk.

"Oh my fucking god Tsukki," I hiss quietly. "Are you trying to give me a fucking heart attack?"

"Why are you up?" Tsukki asks me from his bed. My face is like a deer in headlights and I go back to getting my credit card. "Why are you wearing a dress?"

"Tsukki go back to sleep," I urge and the hand around my ankle slips away.

For a moment I think he's going to sleep and his hand will fold back into his body. I'm wrong. Instead it goes and before I can protest, it's pushing the boy next to him. Yamaguchi is now awake and his tired eyes are looking at me as a scowl adorns his face.

"Katrina? What are you doing?" Yamaguchi mutters angrily. I can feel my face wonder what expression it should take. Finally it settles for the fish out of water look—completely helpless and confused.

"Nothing go back to sleep," I tell him as I stand up. Tsukki grabs my ankle again and to my surprise calls his nemesis on my other side.

"Oi, King, wake up. Get up," he says as a foot goes out and hits the mass of blankets that is the setter. The setter rolls away from it and I try to bat Tsukki's foot away from him but am too late. Kageyama rolls over Hinata who pushes him back, both coming awake.

"Katrina?" Kageyama yawns, rubbing his eyes.

"Why are you dressed?" Hinata asks as he gets up out of his blankets, fully awake in a second.

"No reason. Go back to sleep you guys," I order but none of them heed my command.

Instead they look at me worriedly and somewhat angrily at waking them up. I pry Tsukki's iron grip from my ankle and grab my bag. As I get up, the boys all sit up and then make their way to stand. I shake my head furiously as I shush them. They don't care and I sigh with distress. I can't be late for the train.

"Where are you going?" Tsukki presses on and I can see his childish smirk. He was still half asleep. That's why he called the others and not dealt with me on his own. He knew he wouldn't be able to deal with me while he was still asleep.

"I'll be back before ten. Now go back to sleep."

I quietly walk over the other boys in the room, who to my luck are sleeping heavily. As I grab my shoes, I hear rustling behind the closed door. Shit, they're going to try to follow me. I pull my shoes on and try to run as quietly as I can through the halls. But as I get out of the building and onto the street, I can hear people following. The four boys are pulling on clothes as they exit the building, not having enough time to dress. They pull on shirts and change pants quickly and I turn away.

"You aren't going alone," Kageyama yells at me and I flinch. Turning around quickly, I find them all putting on shoes.

"Be quiet," I hiss in a low tone. The boys are now dressed in their Karasuno black jogging outfit and runners their bed heads prominent. I sigh and rub my eyes. "We need to hurry. If you're coming we have to get you tickets."

"Tickets?" Yamaguchi asks grumpily. Looking at him and his blonde friend, I find that they're morning personalities are switched. I smile slightly as I break out in a jog.

"Why are you wearing a dress?" Hinata lets out when we get farther from the building. I sigh but don't slow my run.

"Because I wanted to," I tease back and can see the station in the distance.

My dress is not that fancy but the boys haven't seen me in anything like this. It's a dark plum shade with long sleeves and an a-line skirt. It was pretty only because of the color and with my tights, the black contrast brought the purple out that much more. We slow when we get to the station and I go to the person at the window. They're a guy around Ukai's age and also a person fighting the sleep that's overpowering them.

"Hey," I say and the guy jolts at getting caught close to sleep. "I need four tickets to Sendai, the main station."

"Alright," he yawns and I hand over the credit card that got me into so much trouble. "Here you go."

"Thanks," I say, taking my card and the tickets.

I distribute them to the boys as the train comes in. I break out into a run and the boys follow, all of us jumping on the train with time to spare. The boys are silent as we take our seats, the old woman with the pink kimono staring at us. I give her a glare and she turns away without a word.

"So why are we going to Sendai?" Tsukki asks as the train begins to move. I sigh and finger my dress.

"We're going to Sendai because, well," I stop and then force myself to tell the truth. "I have to go to the hospital."

"Are you sick?" Hinata asks, looking at me from his seat two places away. I shake my head but the blonde next to me knows better. Kageyama who sits next to me seems worried but I wave his look off.

"It's only a checkup. I have to go in weekly, that's why you guys don't pick me up on Thursdays. I'm not dying," I reassure but the silence from the boys only intensifies. Taking out a brush from my bag and handing it to the boys, which they look at me incredulously but use it nonetheless.

The rest of the train ride is spent in silence. The boys looked like they wanted to open their mouths and ask me about the hospital but decide better. I'm finally telling them things and if they force me to tell them too much, I just might close once again. But they are also extremely sleepy and were forcing themselves to stay awake. I don't know what for. It wasn't like I would leave them on the train. That would be way too harsh for anyone.

When it finally came time to get off at our stop, I found that I had enough cash for us to ride the bus. I actually had enough cash for them to get breakfast. I wondered where I could send them for breakfast as we rode towards the hospital. The bus was crowded and the boys could hardly stand being in the enclosed space. It was too much for their country bumpkin minds to handle. So when the bus dropped us off in front of the hospital, I looked across the street at a small diner.

"Here," I tell Tsukki, who has matured into his grumpy self. I hand him the money that I have-too much for anyone to have on hand-from my parent's latest package. "Go get yourselves some food at that diner across the street. I'll be out in an hour. Don't try to come look for me. Wait here or else we're just going to have you guys lost."

"Okay," he replies in monotone and I roll my eyes at his expression. It's bland with tired eyes but the light behind them is glowing with excitement. They have probably never been to the capital let alone had the money to eat a big diner. I look at Yamaguchi and hand him the rest of the cash.

"You have to go to the bakery two stores down and get me two specials. Do not forget. I need two of the weekly special," I instruct and he frowns at me.

"Why-"

"Because I need them," I say exasperatedly.

The brown haired boy seems concerned and I shoosh them across the street before I head to my appointment. When I make sure that they enter the diner, I let out a breath and enter my sterile building. I go through the stark white halls and get to my therapist's room. When I enter, the woman looks up from her desk. Her face gives away no emotions and I go to the chaise.

"You look nice," she starts off and I huff.

"I wear a dress and everyone goes crazy. Like, can't I just look like a nice proper young lady every now and then?" I joke. The woman shakes her head with not much gusto and stands. She makes her way to the chair next to me and I look at her. "We going to check my blood today?"

"Yes we are," she replies softly and I nod once. "How was your week? From what Doctor Suoh told me, you're staying with the boys of your team. I hope you have encountered no problems."

"They're fine and the trip is great. Today I tried to slip away but the first years followed me. I sent them to the diner to get some breakfast," I tell her. The woman nods.

"And does staying with a bunch of boys make you feel uncomfortable?"

"No. Why are you asking?"

"Because you mentioned being a," the woman says and raises her hand for air quotations, "proper young lady."

I lay down and stare at the ceiling. Every time I attempt to put a name to the color, it changes. The idea of staying with the boys invades my brain and I find nothing wrong with it. Of course I know that people won't like it and that my actions no matter how innocent the intention, will be seen as wrong. But if it makes me happy when what the world thinks could happen with the boys doesn't actually happen, is it really inherently wrong? I just wanted to stay with them.

"It makes me uncomfortable that people don't listen to me when I say that I just want to stay with them because it makes me happy. They think something will happen when it couldn't be farther from the truth," I say sadly.

My voice is cold but the fear is underlying. What makes you happy might not make the rest of the world happy, but fuck the world, my voice says. I'm happy for the voice coming up and also happy for the wise worlds. My therapist is quiet and the woman writes on her clipboard.

"But these boys make you happy?" the woman asks and I nod. "And does that boy Aone make you happy?"

"I'm not going to talk about him with you," I hiss harshly.

The woman always asks about Aone and I never tell her anything. She seems suspicious about him but I don't know why. I don't want to talk to her about him because then she'll force me to think about telling him the truth. I should tell him the truth soon. Everyone should know the truth but I know that not everyone will stay after. I don't want to lose them yet.

"Why don't you want to talk about him?"

I choose to ignore the woman and I shut down completely. I can't lose him yet. He makes me happy and I don't want to make him sad. But is it unfair that he is happy with me even though my whole life is a white lie? I mean, I pretend to look normal, to look healthy. I don't tell anyone my fears or what I want. I just do things for everyone else. I want them to be happy even if I'm not.

So does that mean that Aone would be better off without me? He most certainly doesn't need a mentally ill girl in his life. If I were to allow him to stay, I know that the life of a schizophrenic's companion is hard. It isn't fair to let him stay when I know he's giving away the rest of the world and normality. But I want him to stay. I don't want him to leave. I think I'm so selfish for making everyone put up with me, but I don't have the courage to let them go.

"Katrina," a voice says and I turn to the woman. She's sitting patiently and I know she wants me to answer her question. "Time to get your bloodwork done."

"Really?" I ask and the woman stands. I look at the time, thirty minutes having passed and find she's letting me go early so I can make the train with Aone. Although I zoned out on her, she doesn't appear to be angry. Instead a small smile comes to her icy face.

"I wouldn't want you to miss the train," she tells me. She knows Aone is on the train with me and she's making sure that I'm happy.

"Thank you," I whisper as we walk to the lab.

The whole episode doesn't take long. The woman still has to pull my sleeve up for the nurse and I still refuse to see my arms. But as she places the bandage on my arm, she holds my shoulder tightly. When my sleeve is replaced, I find her giving me a proud look. She's really nice even though she doesn't show it. That and I've grown on the woman. I exit the building moments after that and find my four boys pacing in front of the hospital.

"Katrina," Hinata screams as he runs to me. I brace myself for impact as he barrels into me. His arms go around me and I awkwardly hug him back. "What did they say?"

"I'm fine," I coo to him before the boy can do something drastic like cry. Kageyama pulls him away, his face livid.

"Dumbass, she said it was only a checkup. Don't go hugging people in public," he reprimands. I can see Kageyama angry but can almost see a tinge of embarrassment in his cheeks. I write it off as embarrassment of people staring.

"Here Katrina," Tsukki says, handing me the change from breakfast. Yamaguchi comes to my side and hands me a bag full of pastries and very little currency. I grab the amount we would need for the bus and turn on my heel.

"Come on guys, we can't miss the train," I call as I walk to the bus stop.

In no time we're back at the station and the boys are following me closely—too closely even. When I look back at them, I find that they're a little startled by all the tourists. The station was more packed than usual and I only hoped we would find Aone in the crowd. I lead the boys to satan machine and go through my regular choices. That is until I try to multiply the amount by five and end up lost. The boys are staring out to the crowd as I curse the machine under my breath. They're quiet until I can feel all of them stiffen collectively and then Tsukki is spewing venom from his mouth.

"What do you think you're doing?" the boys asks darkly. I turn around to find Kageyama hiding me and Hinata and Yamaguchi at my sides. Tsukki is facing off with whoever is there and I'm too short to see who it is. It might be Gilbert though, so I push my way through my bodyguards to find a familiar face.

"Hey," I breathe out as I try to keep my face any shade but red. But with Aone's protective look, I doubt that would happen. He's staring at my beanstalk with anger and I can feel Tsukki losing the fight. "Tsukki he's my friend, stop it."

"What?" Hinata shouts and then goes to stand under Aone. The large boy looks directly down and I can see him attempt to be less intimidating. His face doesn't achieve its goal and I feel Yamaguchi grab my sleeve gently.

"Is this Aone?" Yamaguchi asks for the group and I sigh. I push Hinata aside from his wonder of Aone's size and grab the large boy's wrist. I pull him next to me and my boys shift away.

"Everyone this is Aone Takanobu," I introduce the tall uniform clad boy.

The boys all go into a straight line across from me and the boy attached to me by an unsure hand. They all look at him with wonder and I turn to Aone. He peers down and I can see he's nervous—identified only by his more scrunched brow. I give him a reassuring smile and his large hand grabs two of my fingers. He shouldn't be nervous, he's amazing.

"Oh, so this is Aone?" Tsukki says suggestively and I glare.

"Aone these are the first years from the volleyball team I coach who also happen to be my other friends," I say quietly, giving a deadly look to not have them make me blush. As I say each of their names, I point and give a devious smile, transmitting fear. "Tadashi Yamaguchi, Kei Tsukishima, Tobio Kageyama, and Shoyo Hinata."

"Hello," they all chant and then give me sheepish looks.

When I smile lightly, relieved with their polite nature, they change them into wary looks to Aone. Now they're going into overprotective brothers mode. Aone seems slightly unfazed by them and merely nods in return. He looks to me and I can see he still hasn't gotten over his anxiety. My hand shifts its position and my small one clutches his callous one. I give him a large smile and his hand a firm squeeze, before I retract my limb.

"Can you help me get five tickets to my station?" I ask quietly and he nods, his eyes lighting up. We turn to satan machine and the boys behind us whisper lowly.

I smile at him as I watch his hands work through the options. As I glance at his face, I find that his jaw isn't clenched as much as I thought it would be. He's nervous with the boys but he doesn't like to show it. But to me, he's so brave for not showing his weaknesses. He really is amazing. A hand brushes my arm and I snap out of staring at Aone. Of course he's the one who snapped me from my trance and I'm red faced for being caught once again gawking.

I pull my card out of my bag and pay for the tickets. I turn to distribute tickets as I find the boys with smirks on their faces. Of course it's all of them except Kageyama who is hopelessly oblivious to things. Tsukki snickers as I give a blushing glare. I turn back around and find Aone done with his purchase. I nod and give a smile, leading the way with the large boy by my side, our arms sometimes brushing one another. We make the train but I find it unusually packed.

Aone and I get our regular seats but the boys are forced to sit across from us. They don't seem to mind this and give me sly looks as I settle myself with Aone. I roll my eyes at them as I fall into the routine of getting our breakfast, Aone watching me open the bag to find brownies. I offer him one and he takes it happily, an unnoticeable smile on his face. As I take mine, Yamaguchi and Tsukki snicker, most likely making remarks about me. I don't pay attention to them and eat my brownies in peace. Aone sits silently next to me and twenty minutes later our companions have fallen asleep.

I watch with a smile as Kageyama leans into Hinata for balance, the small boy's head in the crook of the other's neck. Tsukki has his head in his hands and Yamaguchi has his head back towards the window. I turn to Aone to find him inspecting the boys carefully. When he looks down I can see confusion in his eyes. I take a guess of what he's thinking and speak in a low tone to him.

"We have our training camp this week, so we stayed in the building by the gym. My teacher allowed me to stay with them and when I tried to leave this morning, they wouldn't let me go alone," I inform him and his nonexistent eyebrows rise in understanding.

He looks back at the boys in uncertainty and I know that me staying with them is unsettling. It makes me unsure of my decision and I bring my ponytail hair forward, having put my hair up in the train ride over. Maybe Aone wouldn't want to be friends with me if he thought I wasn't proper like over girls. What if I just blew whatever chance I had with the boy for one week of happiness?

It doesn't appear that way when I feel the boy tug my sleeve gently. I look over at him to find him red in the ears. He points to his tie and I give a bright smile. He still at least lets me do this for him. Maybe he really is different. I rise with the thought, not having the space to rotate on the seat due to a person standing next to me. I stand in front of him as the train rattles forward.

My hands are sure of themselves as I fix his tie. The boy watches me carefully and I feel my skin heat with his examination. Standing, I'm slightly taller than him and it feels different. As I put my hands around to fix the collar of his shirt, the train hits a bump, making me lose my balance. Great, I'm falling. My body is wavering and I grasp at Aone's neck to brace myself. I know it might not be enough but then feel strong hands at my waist. The arms of the boy keep me in place and his grasp is firm on my body.

For a moment, my mind goes blank and I feel butterflies light up my stomach. My hands release his neck but then before I know it, my fingertips are lightly tracing the back of his neck where skin meets hair. I look into eyes that couldn't be richer in color if they tried and they stare back with an intensity that makes me shiver. The hands hold me tight but the thumbs unconsciously rub the material of my dress in circles.

"Sorry," I let out as I expel the breath that caught in my throat.

Aone nods and my hands which were so sure of themselves, now lightly shake. I try to fix the boy's tie but the hands on my body have yet to retreat. My heart pounds and I don't know if I want him to let go of me. I smile as I fix the tie faster than ever before and when I'm done, I don't know where to put my hands. They somehow find their place on Aone's shoulders and I look at the boy's face once again.

He looks at me with a gentle look and I can feel my head spin. This is too much. But when he smiles gently, I think I might just pass out. My mind wonders just when he's going to release me and decides on the thought that I didn't want to be let go. I don't want him to ever leave. I want him with me always. The thought is actually kind of nice. But the moment is ended when Aone asks me a question I wasn't expecting.

"Are you sick?" comes the extremely soft words. For a moment I just freeze and look down. I feel scared but then again my courage has been growing and I look to see his pleading face. He's worried.

"I'm not dying," I assure but I know that wasn't an answer. Aone doesn't seem satisfied and he breaks my resolve to keep him in the dark. I have to tell him. I can't stand this look of worry in his eyes.

"Please," fills the air and whatever hope I held onto shatters. But my hands curl around themselves behind his neck and I smile gently. I have to have him a little while longer but I can't take seeing him this way.

For a moment, I hate myself completely. If I wasn't sick I could let him hold me forever. That isn't real though and it isn't right for me to allow him to stay without knowledge of what he's getting into. But looking into his eyes, my lip quivers with fear. My right hand goes to his cheek and he flinches with the contact. I cup it while I marvel at how soft his skin is. He's warm and it just makes me remember that my cool hand doesn't belong anywhere near him.

"Two weeks," I murmur. "Give me two more weeks with you and I'll tell you what's wrong with me."

The boy nods and I decide to memorize his face in this moment. His eyes are dark and expressive while the rest of his face is serious. His cheeks are pink and the color illuminates his light hair. Then his lips are full but I can see them scrunched with worry. He is looking at me like no one has ever done before. He is looking at me like he couldn't bear to see me die and it scares me.

I force myself to let go of him and my chest hurts so bad. The moment is over and he releases me. I find myself suddenly alone as I sit next to him. Though when I look over, I don't feel lonely. For the moment, the boy is next to me and I can make my brain lie to my heart that everything will be fine. I want this to last forever, so I burn the image of his face into my memory, knowing it might not look at me like this after I tell the truth. Knowing that when I tell him the truth, I will be alone on this train.

* * *

 **I am sorry this isn't the Nekoma chapter! I didn't want to write it because I want to make it perfect and my thoughts were all over the place. I promise the next chapter is going to be all about our cat team! I'm so sorry if I disappointed anyone! I'll make it up to you by have Kemna being super cute and Kuroo actually being nice in a sort of awkward big brother kind of way. I sorry again, so have this ten thousand word chapter instead. Ahh, i feel so bad.**

 **Loves yous guys and sorry! (remember to follow, fave, review, obsess)**

 **PS. I literally wanted to write this entire chapter for the I can't help falling in love with you song, the Nicholas Sparks quote at the beginning and this sentence:** Thursday morning, before the sun was even up, before the birds were singing in the sky, before my boys were even done dreaming, I was dressed and was attempting to sneak out.


	16. So Much for This

**Chapter Sixteen: So Much for This**

* * *

 **Dearly beloved are you listening?**

 **I can't remember a word that you were saying**

 **Are we demented or am I disturbed?**

 **The space that's in between insane and insecure**

 **Oh, therapy, can you please fill the void?**

 **Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed?**

 **Nobody's perfect and I stand accused**

 **For lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse**

 **-** _ **Jesus of Suburbia**_ **, Green Day**

* * *

"No you can't come," I scream at the boys.

I'm dressed with jeans that have holes in the knees and a long sleeve white shirt under my Karasuno club jacket. At the moment, the boys are trying to come with me to get information on Nekoma. It's too close to the game for them to miss practice. But of course they don't take no for an answer. They're too concerned with me having to ride the train in a direction I haven't gone before. I told them that I'll be fine. They don't believe my words, hence all of the yelling.

"You can't go alone!" Nishinoya yells back in the middle of the gym.

"Someone has to go with you!" Tanaka joins in the argument.

"I told you guys that you will be practicing. There is nothing to argue about," I tell them as I grab my satchel. Ennoshita, Narita and Kinnoshita block the gym door and I give them an angry look. "Move."

"No," they all chant and I groan and throw my hands up.

"Guys, I am going to miss the train," I yell as I give an irritated sigh. They're making me nervous.

"Good," Yamaguchi and Hinata mutter simultaneously.

Takeda and Ukai enter through the other door and I make a sprint for freedom. Of course I don't get far before our ace picks me up. I flail as the other two third years are in front of me. I huff and then go limp in Asahi's arms. The large boy starts freaking out and I see my escape is possible. That is until Sugawara looks at me in the face and gives a furious frown.

"I need to get information!" I hiss as I begin to flail again.

"We don't care," Daichi replies and his face is terrifying. I stick my tongue out at him and look at the boy holding my body away from himself.

"Let me down," I command and the boy shakes his head, his long hair in a perfect bun. "Please, let me down."

"Do you promise not to run?" he asks and I bite my lip. I don't say a thing as he walks us back to the rest of the boys.

"Katrina you have to take one of us. Someone has to go with you," Daichi instructs and I pout, crossing my arms and feet not touching the floor.

"No, you guys have to practice," I reply.

"Then you aren't going young lady," he says bluntly, his arms crossing in front of him. Sugawara is at his side and I give a pleading look to the vice captain.

"Listen to Daichi," the silver haired boy adds.

Why does it feel like I'm being lectured by my parents? I am finally let go of and when my feet hit the floor I just sulk angrily. The team looks at me and now with my sad attitude, they feel guilty. I shift my bag at my side and look at Ukai and Takeda. But just as I begin to think up a scheme that includes the literature teacher, the gym door opens. All of my boys are here and I know that Kiyoko wouldn't get here until another hour, so I turn around quickly to protect my team from the stranger.

"Oh my god," a very excited voice says. It's my doctor. That is unexpected. The blonde man looks around the gym with childish fancy even though he's been here before. I heave a sigh and walk to the man. "Katrina I think this place got bigger."

"It's your imagination Suoh," I reply dryly. "Why are you even here?"

"Why so mean?" the man whines. All of the boys come to us and I roll my eyes as the man gathers me in his arms. "I can't see my favorite Katrina?"

"I'm your only Katrina," I murmur blandly.

My brain searches for a reason the man might be here and I think I have a hunch. I was supposed to have my arms, ankles and possibly my hips checked for cuts. Since that didn't happen and Suoh is such a worry wart, he is here in all his majesty to conduct a full evaluation. The team around me is starting to get worried with Suoh holding me so close. Pushing the man away, I look up at him. He is wearing jeans, red muscle top and black army boots with chains. He looks like a ruffian.

"Katrina is this Aone?" Tanaka asks with doubtful curiosity. I don't get a chance to answer with the excited first years. They like Suoh. The man plays video games with them and is a big kid himself.

"No, this is Suoh-san," Hinata pipes in. "Aone is much bigger and has no eyebrows!"

The boy then proceeds to show how tall Aone is by going to Tsukki and making noises as he puts his hand above the blonde's head. Everyone nods and Hinata makes more noises as he proceeds to show us how Aone has no eyebrows. He does this by covering his eyebrows with his hands and giving a grimace of a face. I blush slightly and wave at the boy to stop. He doesn't and Suoh is suddenly in my face.

"They saw Aone and I haven't. What kind of big birther figure am I? I demand to meet him if he is going to continue seeing you," he proclaims angrily.

I push the man's face away from me and he rearranges his glasses with a scowl. My face still has a slight blush and it grows hotter with the thought of wanting to see Aone. I don't care if Suoh doesn't want me to see him. Aone is not a bad person and it makes me happy to talk to him. He makes me happy.

"Look at her. She's thinking of no brows," Tsukki snickers and I feel my face hot enough to fry an egg. I scowl at him and then grab my bag.

"Suoh since you're here, we're going to watch a match," I announce and grab the man. The boys seem stunned but none of them open their mouths. Before I'm out the door I look back with a blinding smile. "Be good and listen to Ukai. I'll be back in a bit."

"Okay," they chant at different times, still a little lost with what just happened.

Suoh allows me to drag him out the gym and to the front of the school. When I don't see a car, I stop and look at the man. He stares down with a smirk and I shake my head. The man then grabs my hand and leads me out the school gates. The street is quiet and I see a car down the street. Suoh is ridiculous. He can barely drive but somehow he bought a red convertible sports car. Shrugging off his hand, I walk to the car and jump in, over the door. Suoh frowns at me and opens his own door.

"Why do you not use the door?"

"Why do you have a convertible if you expect me to get in the boring way?"

Suoh chuckles and then the car roars to life. The man puts his hands on the wheel and looks at me closely. I look back at him with sadness. He wants to see our arms, my voice says sadly. I nod once as I close my eyes and pull up my sleeves. After a moment that feels like eternity, Suoh grunts and I put my right leg on the seat. I pull the jean leg up and he grunts again. I bring my left leg up and when he grunts under the last limb's inspection, I cover myself back up as I feel the car move onto the street.

"So, where exactly are we going?" Suoh asks as my eyes open. The sky is blue and the clouds are puffy white perfection.

"Tsukinokizawa," I reply. I quickly put my seatbelt on as Suoh makes a sharp turn. "It's a couple of towns to the north. I was going to take the train and then send you the bill but the boys won't let me go out by myself anymore."

"Well they're worried," Suoh says plainly and I roll my eyes as usual. I know they're worried, but I get worried too. I'm worried about them. Though they don't let that be an excuse for me to be daring.

"Let's just get to the match," I huff and Suoh chuckles.

The man soon stops before we hit a rural expressway, reaching into the back of the two seat car. I watch him as he pulls out a cd case, with writing and hearts all over it. Shaking my head, the man opens it up and puts the disc into the player. I wait for a moment before k-pop comes on in full blast. The man then plops himself into the seat and puts the car into first gear, the wheels turning with smoke as he holds the brake and accelerates. I just hold onto my bag for good measure and we take off.

Suoh's hair is flying everywhere and my braid is becoming undone. Trees pass us like a heartbeat when you're on a roller coaster. The man is going to wrap himself around a tree and die like that. I just know it now. I also know that my hair is going to be terrible if I don't take it out now. So I rip the elastic from my hair and allow it to flow behind us like the tail of a shooting star. Because at this rate, we might as well be shooting stars-gone in the blink of an eye and far too complex to ever understand.

We drive for a long time. Songs flow on and the trees pass by, our destination merely ten minutes away. I just sit and wait until the cd takes a surprising turn. This comes in the form of the band Rammstein. The New German Hardness band has been a distant memory of days when I was champion of my country. Surprisingly though, I can pick up just where I left off and let the memories and music overtake me. Suoh pulls off the highway and in the distance is a sign leading us to the high school.

Of course Suoh doesn't lower the music and he doesn't change it from the hard German band. Instead the red car peels into the school's driveway with ridiculous dramatic flair. The man steps hard on the brake so we don't end up in the back of a bus, and the team of red jackets startle with our presence. Suoh looks at me with a goofy smile and I roll my eyes as I open the car door like a normal human being.

"Go park the car. I'm heading inside," I instruct loudly as I slam the car door. Suoh frowns largely.

"On second thought, don't open and close the door, it might fall off," he whines.

I laugh at his pout and rearrange my bag on my hip as I feel eyes on me. My hair is windblown and for once appears thicker. I run my hand to push it back from the front of me and look to those watching. Two boys stare at me, one with a blond buzzed Mohawk of hair and other with a light brown mane that sticks up. I think I recognize them but I haven't memorized the faces to the numbers of the team. They are definitely Nekoma though.

"What a babe," I can hear the older one tell the younger boy.

I give them a dazzling smile and the blonde Mohawk boy-who oddly reminds me of Tanaka-clutches his heart. I'm about to mess with them some more when I see another boy of the team comes into view. His black hair covers one eye while the rest of it is haphazardly standing up. The boy gives me a frown and I pick my hair up into a ponytail. I purposely walk closer to them as I put the hair into a bun. When I walk past, my intention of showing them my alliance is made clear when I hear a catlike hiss.

I turn back to see them all giving me harsh glares. My face makes a large cheeky grin as their reply. This crow has flown from home and it came specifically to spy on cats, and man are the cats pissed. I walk towards the gym looming across the campus and can hear the cats following silently. This is going to be fun. I haven't been on a real reconnaissance mission since I was back at home. This is just like old times. Well, minus the actual confrontation. Girls will talk smack at any time of the day and I miss those conversations.

When we get to the gym, I take one last look at the team following me. They're silent and I take each boy into account, trying to place their stats with their scowling faces. The only one I recognize is the new setter: Kemna Kozume. I came specifically to see him, seeing as how he didn't play last year because the third year setter was starter. I need to get a whole workup on him and he's my main focus today. The boy can make or break the team.

I make eye contact with him before he looks down into his phone. He doesn't look that much different from what I had written down. His hair has been dyed blonde and the black roots from his natural color stick out drastically. He put on a little more muscle and grew a couple of inches surprisingly. But what I'm curious about is his personality. The videos showed an unsure boy who had no confidence in his abilities. The boy gives off that aura but when I see the bedhead boy look at me with deadly intent for staring at the setter, I know he might have changed a bit.

I glare back in challenge and the whole team stiffens but glares nonetheless—except for Kozume who makes me feel guilty for scaring him. Quickly turning on my heel, I locate the coach of the team they are playing and walk with sure and haughty steps. No one will make a fool out of me for coming. I go to a tall man with brown hair cut close to his head and a blue jersey. When he sees me his black eyes light up, full of childish excitement, and he meets me halfway.

"Hitz-san," he says excitedly as he bows to me. I bow back and then we both raise, smiles on our faces. "I'm surprised you actually made it. I was getting worried."

"Well thank you for your concern Asato-san," I reply as the man nods his head. "Thank you for letting me come out. As agreed I will help you with any receiving corrections I can provide."

This was our agreement. He would let the legendary libero see the competition as long as I offered feedback. The man didn't care that I was a kid or that I had fallen in status. He only wanted me to observe his team and have me tell him how they could improve. It was a good trade off. We both got what we wanted. The man gives me a shining smile, excited with my presence, when a cough is heard at my back. It's the bedhead guy.

"Sorry to interrupt," the boy says plainly but by his face and guarded smile, I know he heard our arrangement.

"It's fine," I reply and step aside for him.

"Well," he mutters and when he gets that I'm not going anywhere, he bites his lip with hesitation. What are you going to do kitty? "I am Tetsuro Kuroo, the captain of Nekoma."

"Nice to meet you, I am Fu Asato, coach," the man says bowing. He then looks at me and with his wide smile, I cringe internally. "And this is Katrina Hitz, master libero."

"Asato," I whine jokingly. I have to play this off or else this captain is going to know how good my boys are. "I wouldn't say master anymore, maybe more like expert."

"Is there a difference?" the man asks with a youthful exuberance and I bite the inside of my lip.

"Of course," I reply with a forced laugh. Master means I still have the skill while expert merely implies I have the knowledge. Of course we're not going to let that out of our minds right now. I look to Kuroo and he seems to be scheming. I give a smirk and pat his long arm. "Good luck. Don't make me have come out here for nothing."

"We won't disappoint you then," he replies and I can feel him working to get me angry. I nod my head and then sneak to the back of the gym.

The teams are already starting to warm up and I can see Kozume stretching silently. Kuroo's eyes bore into me and I know he doesn't like me giving the setter the third degree. I don't like it either when the boy glances at me, my mind blanking and I flinch with his expression. In his eyes is fear and nervousness. I make him too nervous. The boy can't handle me being like this. He is truly scared of me and I decide to stop this torture. So before he can shift his gaze, I offer a calming smile, exerting every comforting aura I can muster. It must help him because when he does look away, he lets out a shaky breath and then turns back to me.

I smile again and give the faintest of nods. The boy nods slightly back, unsure of what we are exactly doing. Then I look away and find a spot next to the sidelines behind the teams. There's no real stands—the gym merely a practice gym—but there is a higher seating area built into the wall. I go up and then take out my stats book, making any adjustments to the pages on Nekoma and adding the new players. Too soon Suoh has found me and plops himself to my right, fiddling with his phone. When I peer at the screen he seems to be playing some bird game with pipes and flying. I turn my gaze back to the boys and get lost observing them practice.

When the match finally starts, I ready myself for surprise. What has been Nekoma's specialty for years continues to be their most dangerous skill. I watch as each player can receive the ball well and notice they don't just watch the ball but the player who touches it. It's one thing to anticipate where the ball will be by the trajectory but it is much more stable to read the player's body language. Each player they have watches with eyes that have been trained in the nuisances of passing and hand my movements.

I had tried to show the boys how to do this but it would take too long for me to train them all from scratch. I can start after the tournament but I can't spend too much time on it. It's something you drill into the kids you get when they first join the team, not something to teach to veteran players. The coach must have focused each player's first year on learning the entire technique. Looking at how they play, it was worth it.

Watching the game further, I can see that the captain is going to be trouble. He's taller than normal and he is smart. Not only is he a flexible diver who holds the back together when there is no libero on the floor, but he does back row attacks. His spiking isn't his strong suit and I have that advantage when he's in the front. Though when he's in front the blocking is on par with the best in the country.

The rest actually are least powerful with their blocks. Mohawk boy and the other third year get too caught up in the game to block. They are easily fooled in that respect and I can destroy their motivation with combination attacks. Kozume doesn't block because he second guesses himself. But the first year with brown hair will be a force to contend with if he gets taught to block read; the boy is fast and too optimistic to get distracted.

But Kozume is the one who I watch closely. The boy has amazing game sense and can take in the entire court with just a look. He has amazing observation skills but it is all shrouded by his innate ability to know where his teammates are on the court. Though his stamina is lacking, he has absolutely no power. He may be a little quicker than normal but he always has his arms at his sides which makes him slower. It looks like none of his weaknesses matter though. The boy is making the team.

Their setter is their brain of their team and the captain is their heart. Without the brain it wouldn't matter how much the heart wanted to beat. So if I was another coach, all I would need to do, was destroy the setter and the team would fall apart. A couple of spikes at him to wear down his stamina, a couple of blocks that he misses to wear down his confidence and a person always on him with piercing eyes, and they would crumble. If I was their opponent I would be the person to do all that, but looking at Kozume, I know I can't destroy him like that.

"I've never seen you look like this," Suoh breaks me from my rapid note taking.

I look to the man as the game ends with Nekoma taking the second match. The blonde has his chin resting on his fist, his arms propped up on his knees and a curious look adorning his face. I roll my eyes and close my book with a thud. My mind is acutely aware of the large grin adorning my face. The grin is not only large but hauntingly scary. It's filled with raw emotions. I get up to talk to the coach who had asked me for advice, the smile not leaving me.

I find the man waiting for me and our exchange is brief. His team needs to work on their footwork when getting into position and the bending of arms. The opposing team was slaughtering them because they don't hold their arms strong when they made contact with the ball. The coach is ecstatic that I actually took note of his team and told him how to make them better. He hasn't been a coach any longer than me and his excited face only spells trouble.

"Would you like to stay Hitz-chan? We were going to have a scrimmage between us. You can offer hands on training," the young man says excitedly.

For the first time I realize he must not be much older than me. As I look into his face, I can identify blemishes on his forehead and baby fat still sticking to his cheeks. He seems familiar but I can't quite place him. Then he changed from the formal honorific to a more intimate one. When I realize I've been staring at him for too long, I blush lightly and try to smile through my embarrassment.

"I am sorry but I have to decline," I reply softly. The man gives me a look of disappointment but I smile at him gently. "My team is probably goofing around."

"I know what you mean," he replies with a sad voice. Then he looks to his own boys and glares. His voice rises to a yell and I could only imagine this is how I look when I yell at the boys. "Don't skimp on the diving drills."

I giggle with his team's scared looks. The boys start to dive harder and further with the encouragement from Asato. When I look back at him, the man blushes and scratches the back of his neck. With the action he looks almost my age and I smile at him with the thought he's like me—unable to play because of some force out of our control.

"I imagine I sound like you when I yell at my team," I inform the man to get his blushing to go down. It does and he gives me a large grin.

"I don't think I can see your team not listening to your every word. You're an amazing person," he praises and I turn red. I wave my hand to get the man to stop grinning at me like the moon.

"Well, you are very sweet Asato-san. I think I'll take my leave. If you ever need anything, you have my number. Us coaches have to stay together," I remark happily. The man nods his head a couple of times and I know I'm going to do a checkup on him to find out where I remember him from.

"Thank you again Hitz-chan. I really do appreciate it," he says with a low bow. I step back quickly and mirror his actions.

"And thank you Asato-san," I reply.

Our conversation is finished and I know the man watches my fleeting back. Suoh is examining my actions closely and I get to him with a questioning look. The blonde man just looks around me to the other coach. I turn around with him and see the coach staring with a dreamy smile. I give a small wave and the man turns beet red from my acknowledgement of him staring. I think he was checking out my ass. It is a nice ass, my voice chuckles. Turning away from the coach and to my doctor, I find the latter with a giant smirk.

"I think he has a crush on you," Suoh teases and I shake my head. Suoh shakes his head teasingly. "No, I don't think you understand how cute you can be."

"He's too old to like me," I argue and the man-child only laughs.

"He can't be older than eighteen," Suoh says frankly and I roll my eyes. I don't like Asato and therefore don't care if he has a crush on me.

"He talks too much for me," I admit with a shrug. Suoh laughs again and I raise a brow.

"And Aone doesn't?"

I freeze my face to be a flinched smile. Damn Suoh for leading me into this confession by avoidance. The man's smile grows while my face grows red. It is true that Aone doesn't talk a lot and that's why I like to be with him. Plus he is a lot more special than just being silence for me. He's strong and brave and sensitive and careful. The boy is everything that I am not and he makes me feel happy when we speak and ride the train together.

"I'm going to go to the bathroom before we leave. I'll be back," I say quickly as I expel unwanted butterflies in my stomach.

Suoh only gives me a nod of victory with my silence. I roll my eyes and move to the door of the gym that would lead to an attached locker room and storage. When I get in the hall, I find that the building is larger than I expected. I come to a fork in the hall and I hear voices to my left. They're male and I'm going to go right, but I freeze when I discern muffled pleas and violent phrases.

Some ferocious expression comes to my face and I march through the halls with the purpose of breaking up a fight. With sure steps I turn down the last hall and find a huddled group at the end. Three boys in blue jerseys surround one red jacket on the floor. One boy raises his leg to kick the helpless figure on the floor and I lose it completely.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" I scream as I run to the group. All the assailants flinch and look at me angrily. They're larger than me but I'm only enraged that they're picking on only one boy, so I'm blinded to whatever harm may actually come.

"Get out of here," one with braces spews and I hiss verbally.

"You leave him the hell alone," I curse and take a step. The smallest boy of the attackers, steps forward and I clench my hands into fists. He's the leader and stands only a couple of inches from my body.

"Look girl, just walk away now before anyone gets hurt," he threatens and is suddenly closer to my face. He stands only a few inches taller than me and I bare my teeth primally as I choke out a laugh.

"If you don't want to be doing suicides for every practice until you graduate, I suggest you leave now," I hiss. The boy glares his brown eyes and I don't avoid his gaze.

"Get out of here!" he screams and I merely blink.

"Bring it buddy. You don't scare me and I know how to go down swinging."

The boy stares angrily and the standoff holds for a full minute. The tension within the air is suffocating and the only thing that breaks our stalemate is the sharp intake of breath from the boy on the floor. For a moment I stiffen and ready for a punch but the boys in front of me tsk and move away. I turn and glare daggers as they retreat. When I make sure they're gone, I quickly lower myself to help the boy they were bullying.

"Kozume-san," I murmur as I identify the ball of red with blond hair and black roots.

I kneel in front of the boy and reach out slowly. The boy only curls further into himself as he hyperventilates. I examine his body for any bruises or broken bones or blood. Finding nothing wrong, I sigh in relief and watch as he tries to breathe again. I have to do something. Reaching out again, he retracts into the corner and puts his hands out to keep me away. My heart contracts with the pitiful attempt to protect himself and I ever so slowly put my hand to his.

When I've finally got my palm flush against his, I curl my fingers through his own shaking digits. The boy doesn't look at me and keeps his head down in fear. He shakes and every breath he takes seems painful. I slowly put my other palm to his outstretched hand and again link our fingers.

"Why?" the boy asks in a wheeze and I bite my lip with the tone. He's having a really bad panic attack.

"It's okay Kozume. I won't hurt you. Let me help you," I coo softly and the boy just shakes.

I pull his arms to me and the boy stiffens with me getting closer. He doesn't push me away though and I keep moving. I place his arms around my neck and sit down with my legs outstretched. Nurses used to do this to me when I couldn't control the voices or believe what reality was anymore. The boy almost falls and I take the opportunity to grab his small body. In one swift motion I have the boy in my lap as he clutches my neck for dear life.

"Why?" he asks again and I put my arms around him. The boy moves his head into the crook of my neck and I feel tears.

"It's okay Kozume. I'm right here and I won't let anyone hurt you. Just breathe and everything will be okay. I'm right here," I chant and squeeze the boy's body.

It must look awkward but the boy sitting on my lap doesn't move to get off. Instead I just hold him extremely close to me as he drenches my club jacket. He couldn't take my glares let alone an actual confrontation and he's scared to death. He seems like an anxious person and those boys weren't playing around with him. They would have hurt him if I wasn't here. I draw him closer at the thought of the small boy getting hurt.

"Kemna!" a voice calls out and the boy in my arms freezes. I rub his back and rock back and forth with him on me. Footsteps approach and I ready myself to beat the living shit out of anyone who tries to touch the boy with me. There is no need though. The voice that called reveals itself to be the captain. Kuroo looks at me in surprise and then at Kozume in worry. I offer a small sad smile as I finally feel him stop shaking.

"Why?" Kozume asks a third time and I don't answer.

There's no need because Kuroo can see my eyes are angry and worried. Kozume goes limp in my arms and I give him a little room. He slowly detaches himself from me and I watch him try to stand. When he's about to fall and I'm about to throw myself under him to brace his impact, his teammate grabs ahold of him. I look at Kozume's face to find it sweaty and his eyes red from crying. He has a tired expression and I stand up to join them.

"I'm sorry I didn't come sooner," I apologize. Kozume shakes his head and I take in his eye color for the first time. They're golden just like a cat's eye.

"Thank you," Kuroo says and I nod once.

Then Suoh is screaming for me through the halls and I leave my company. The two boys speak softly as I move away from them and I breathe in with rage. That day, I scolded the coach with a crush on me and he punished his entire team brutally while apologizing to me for their insolence. When I got back to my boys, I felt bad that I didn't listen to them, but I didn't regret going to see Nekoma play. If I hadn't gone, we might not have had a practice match after all. So much for not having confrontation like my old life.

* * *

Okay, I admit it. I was worried about Nekoma's setter. The poor thing was like a baby bird and those guys were like the cats that bat it around. I was so worried that I got absolutely no sleep and woke up so early that Tsukki thought I was sneaking out again. Of course when I told him I was going nowhere and left my wallet with the sleeping boy, he finally fell back asleep.

So it was two hours before everyone actually had to wake up and breakfast was prepped. Now, I just sit on the counter of the kitchen with my stat book and a nice cup of tea. My legs dangle from my high place and the sun was barely starting to peek through the kitchen window. My body was already showered and I wore a black muscle top, oversized black hoodie, red shorts, ankle braces and bright green socks.

The facility was quiet and I relished in the silence. That is until I felt someone coming. I sipped my drink and told myself for the millionth time that I was going crazy. Oh wait, I might already be. But when there was a creak in the hallway, I didn't think I was crazy anymore. As usual, I grab a trusty kitchen knife—this one a really blunt butter knife but if needed, I would still try to use it. My body stiffens and I ready myself for an attack from the hall where no light touch.

"Katrina?" a sleepy voice asks and I watch our silver haired third year emerge from darkness. I sigh in relief and put my knife down.

"Suga, you okay?" I ask the boy as he yawns largely. He has major bedhead and his shirt and shorts are wrinkled into oblivion.

"Yah, I just saw you were missing. Could you not sleep?" he asks and I pour him a cup of tea. He pulls himself up onto the island across from me and I hand the liquid gold over. He takes it gratefully and begins to sip. I pour some more sugar into my own cup and watch the boy carefully. I feel bad I woke him up.

"Not really. Sorry that you got worried," I apologize but he shakes his head softly.

"I wasn't too worried. I know that the first years would have gone with you if you had left," he admits but his grin is large. He tells jokes sometimes and his expression is all the same. "Tsukki was talking to your bag, so I know you couldn't have gone far."

"I know. I had to give him something to keep him quiet," I chuckle.

For a moment, I just sit there and watch the boy take a sip of his tea. His right leg has two large bruises from having to dive for the ball. I had to admit, being in the back row was harsh on his body. He wasn't as fast as Kageyama and he is slightly off because he hasn't played in any matches as backrow with not being the main setter. I look at the right hand on his lap, knowing he nearly jammed a finger in it when setting a ball that was too wayward to really do anything but leave for a bump. It was my fault that time and I feel guilty for telling him to go after it when Kageyama was too far away. I should have let Daichi get it.

"I'm fine," the boy breaks my examination and I flinch.

I look at the boy in the face and he smiles at me reassuringly. I could believe he is really fine or I could take a good look at his body and know that he has been working too hard. He probably thinks that if he shows his weakness in any way, I would take him out and leave us with a single setter setup. It wouldn't be fair for him to keep playing in that formation when I know he wouldn't be able to handle it. Though when I look at his left shoulder that is turned down at a slant from the rest of his body, I know we're not doing that setup today. He's been nursing the shoulder too much for something not to be wrong.

"When did you hurt your shoulder?" I ask quietly, sipping my tea. He's pushed himself too far and way too fast to not get some setback. Suga looks at me and I can see his eyes widen as he decides to lie. He is a good liar, but I'm a better reader of these boy's emotions and actions. Raising one eyebrow, I pour myself some more tea. The boy sighs and puts his cup down on the counter next to him. He stands and pulls the neck of his shirt to reveal a large purple bruise on his pale skin.

"It was two days ago when you went to the city with the first years. No one noticed and I figured I could sneak it past you," he replies and I motion for him to come closer.

"You were wrong," I reply bluntly and the boy approaches me. I pull the shirt down a little more and he flinches when my cold hands make contact with his skin. I look at the coloring and can see it is around the entire shoulder blade. "You'll dislocate it if you play today. We'll have to put the double setter technique on hold for a while.

"Katrina, it's not that bad. A ball only hit it," he says, a biting tone to his voice. He's angry that I'm taking his chance away from him.

"I'm not saying that I'll never put you in as setter. I'm just saying that if you play today, you're going to sit out the rest of the season," I argue, no room for rebuttals. "Whether that's because you injure yourself or I put you on the bench because you didn't listen to me, I'm unsure. But I know for sure you're not going to be playing today."

Suga looks at me and his eyes are pained. The boy brushes my hand away and fixes his shirt. I can see that he wants to stomp out of the room but he knows better. That won't help anyone and he knows that what I say has merit. He might not like what I'm telling him and it might hurt him to give up his place, but this isn't a matter of feelings. It is a matter of him injuring his body until he can no longer play and ruin my entire plans for the team. Ruin all the plans I have made for him.

"You," he starts and I can see the rage in his eyes. He pushes it down and sits across from me. The boy is strong for listening to me but he still feels the need to take out the anger he's built up. "Why did you go to the capital on Thursday?"

I inhale deeply as I try to keep my face blank. Not masking my emotions a bit, I look into my cup for consolation. I swore the other first years into secrecy and I know that they were so close to telling the captain and the rest of the team. But it relieves me that they didn't. Though now I have to tell Suga myself what is happening. I steel my mind to tell him the truth. It isn't fair if I tell him what to do and I can't even answer his questions.

"I go to the hospital every Thursday," I murmur and the silence that sits around us crushes my chest. I might as well tell him all that I can. Lord knows I will chicken out later. "That's how the boys met Aone. I ride the train with him back here."

"The hospital?" Suga whispers. I don't look at him as I can feel his surprise in the air. It scares him. I'm scared for telling him. "Are you sick?"

There is the damn question. It's like an ongoing echo that I can't escape in a canyon of lies. I always lie to them when I say I'm not sick. I mean, the small truth about not dying doesn't shadow the fact that I am keeping them in the dark. I can't stand my cowardice. I should be more trusting of them. I should be telling them about my suicide and about the voices that plague my mind and my family that has distanced themselves from me because they feel responsible. But I have scars and my voices remain ghosts only I see and they believe that my parents love me like their parents love them.

"I am not dying," I struggle and the boy is coming to me. I put my hands out and keep him away from me. I am not breaking today. Today I have to be strong. This can't happen right now. "I'm fine."

I jump down before the boy can capture me in his grasp. Dancing out of his arms and keeping my head down, I walk away. I can't do this anymore. This is as much as my fear can allow. My therapy hasn't given me this much strength yet. I enter a dark hall and end up in the white walled bathroom. It feels so much like back then and I can feel the tears sting my eyes. For once, I don't wipe them away.

Instead I go to the full mirror of the remembered place. I can see my reflection and the Katrina stares back at me with sadness. My hands slowly remove my ankle braces and socks. Tossing the items away from me, I look at my legs. The scars plague my skin and make me feel like I am sick. I'm a leper and those boys should stay away from me. They don't need to catch my sickness; they don't need me.

Soon enough my sweatshirt joins the pile and my arms shake. I hate myself. This shouldn't be happening and I shouldn't be staring at the reflection of a girl that is more scarred than men of war. My war has been fought with only one casualty and one enemy. I killed myself long ago, fighting against my mind until it had to be destroyed so I could even think. My arms for a moment look clean and with the tears they seem free of blemishes. I thought I was getting better. Obviously I have not. This is all reality and not my convoluted dream of having friends and talking with a boy that makes my heart race and playing against teams that excite me to see the ball fly. The reflection in the mirror is the only thing that is real.

And I am nothing but a lie. So much for getting better.

* * *

 **Hey everybody. I hope you're all having a great day and that you guys have a great halloween (if you guys do that and if you don't, a great weekend). Next we're going to have more interaction with Nekoma. I am so excited. Please review if you have the time! It makes me totally happy. Sorry if I'm asking for a lot. Thanks for reading! And thank you to everyone who ever reviews! YOU GUYS ROCK!**

 **As Always, follow, fave, review, obsess (Loves yous guys)**


	17. Just Okay

**Chapter Seventeen: Just Okay**

* * *

" **If she spoke, she would tell him the truth: she was not okay at all, but horribly empty, now that she knew what it was like to be filled."**

― **Jodi Picoult,** _ **Plain Truth**_

" **There used to be days that I thought I was okay, or at least that I was going to be. We'd be hanging out somewhere and everything would just fit right and I would think 'it will be okay if it can just be like this forever' but of course nothing can ever stay just how it is forever."**

― **Nina LaCour,** _ **Hold Still**_

* * *

Thankfully, Hinata didn't throw up on the bus ride to the Nekoma scrimmage. Takeda had agreed we would travel to the gym Nekoma was renting close to their facility. I think it was because they traveled by train everywhere and our school was too far from the station for them to get to by foot. It would actually be a thirty minute walk when I think about it now. But as we stepped off of the bus and I could see the red team in the distance, I felt a little weird.

I mean, I was totally stoked to play in a match with my boys, but something felt a little wrong. Maybe it was because Suga was still low-key angry at me for benching him and now everyone was on edge with my change of plans. Or maybe it was because I had to face Kuroo and Kozume. Whatever it was, my mind and my emotions were a little off track. Thank god that I don't have to coach alone or else my situation might get in the way of the boy's training. This time, I wanted to see how Ukai would coach the boys, so I was taking a backseat.

"Katrina," Kageyama calls as we all get off the bus. I look to my friend and he has a scowl adorning his face. I sigh and approach him slowly.

"What's up?" I ask as I rearrange my bag.

"Did you bench Sugawara-san because you just wanted me to play? Why aren't we doing the double setter technique?" Kageyama asks grumpily.

I raise one eyebrow and then look around for Suga. The boy is getting off the bus and barely makes eye contact with me before he turns away. Suga told Kageyama and now my small genius is freaking out. He doesn't do so well with change so close to a game. Actually, he doesn't do well with change at all. I look at Kageyama and grab his arm.

"If you do not know why I am benching Suga, I suggest you ask him. You're going to have to play for the whole game and if you don't want to, I can work something out. But I'm warning you now, get your fucking head in the game and stop worrying about things that you don't control. Now go with Hinata and tell him we're only having a single setter today," I say sternly.

The boy straightens his back before nodding in acceptance. He needs someone to be firm with him because he can't handle his nerves sometimes. I've seen it before when he gets a little messed up. Once was with Oikawa and another time was when I tried to change a play before a scrimmage between ourselves. He doesn't like to change what he hasn't decided to change himself. The boy is obstinate. And watching him and Hinata side by side, I know that it's only going to brew trouble later because Hinata will not see the fear in his stubbornness.

All of the boys are finally off of the bus and we walk to the gym. The Nekoma team is waiting for us and stand in a line. My boys automatically go in a line across from them and I stand at the end. Kuroo watches me carefully and Kozume looks at the floor. But I can see the blonde attempt to side glance at me and I smile reassuringly to calm his nerves. The rest of their team stares at me and they turn their eyes to Kiyoko who has traveled to my side. They look surprised by both of us girls and our team is starting to get protective with their looks.

"Let's play," Nekoma chants as Kuroo takes the lead and bows. I bow after him.

"Thank you for the match," the boys follow my words and we stand in a bowing line. I come back up and find that Tsukki has per usual not bowed very low. I quietly walk to his back and pull his arm.

"Please put effort into the bow," I whisper to him and he bows a little lower before coming up to me with a glare.

"Please put effort into the bow," he mocks in a demeaning tone. I look up at him with a heavy frown.

"Ha ha ha, very funny," I hiss. I push the boy towards the gym as I catch Hinata circling Kozume. I immediately feel overprotective of the boy with golden eyes and leave my beanstalk. Hinata is going to start jumping and I grab his jacket to get him to stop moving.

"Katrina," the sunshine shouts. I nod and move him a little further from Kozume. Kozume looks up and through his hair he offers me a grateful look. I smile at him, happy that nothing has happened to rile up his anxiety. Hinata has gone too long without speaking and startles me. "Have you met Kemna?"

"Yes I have. I suppose you have introduced yourself to Kozume," I coo to calm Hinata down. Hinata still jumps within my grasp and I shake his hair. He calms down when he has his head touched. The orange haired boy starts to stand still and I run my hand through his hair some more.

"I met him when I got lost on the run this week," the boy tells me happily. I nod but then Nekoma's mohawk boy came to our sides.

"What do you think you're doing with our setter?" he says as he puts on a demonish look. I push Hinata behind me and bare my teeth. As I open my mouth, Tanaka beats me to it.

"What do you think you're doing with our first years?" Tanaka asks in an equally scary voice. There is a bunch of glares and I put my hand out to Kozume. The boy looks at it and I pull his outstretched hand. Then I move all three of us away from the two boys having a glaring match.

"They're ridiculous," I whisper and Kozume nods softly. Hinata disappears a moment later to Kageyama's side. I watch as Kageyama talks with Hinata as the boy gets his energy back.

"Kemna, are you okay?" Kuroo asks as he comes to us. I stiffen as I realize that this is exactly what I wanted to avoid. I move to escape but Kuroo grabs my arm. The large boy looks at me with a strong look and I cant escape. "I want to talk to you."

"Well you just did," I laugh shakily as I shrug his arm off.

The boy doesn't let me go and I can feel myself start to panic. Voices will come up if I don't get away. I need to get away. It's easier than I thought when I find Daichi pulling my other arm. The third year puts his arm around me like a doting father while Kuroo does the same with Kozume. We have a staring game where Kozume and I look down.

"Katrina are you okay?" Daichi asks me and I nod.

The boy grunts and then turns us away. He walks me to Tsukki and Yamaguchi, giving me to their custody. The captain then walks back to Kuroo who has given Kozume to the tall first year with a spiky hair and a boy with black hair and eyes. The two captains exchange some words before I sigh and decide I should lead everyone in. The boys follow me and I find Ukai already speaking with an old man and a man around his age. My co-coach waves at me. I go to the group and the old man watches me carefully.

"Katrina," Ukai starts off. The man motions to the old man and then the younger coach. "This is Nekomata-san and Naoi-san, both coaches of Nekoma. Guys this is Katrina Hitz, our defensive coach."

"Nice to meet you. Thank you for this opportunity," I tell the coaches as I bow lowly. The two men chuckle and then bow back.

"Pleasure to meet you too," the old man says and I pop back up. The men rise and there is a bit of awkward standing before the younger one asks a bad question.

"Are you on the girl's team also?" Naoi asks and Ukai hisses for me.

"Katrina," Ukai says strongly, the atmosphere changing to one of anger. "Go get the boys started with stretching."

"Okay," I mutter gratefully.

I walk away and get the boys stretching. I turn around to see the adults talking—no doubt about what not to say around me. Kuroo looks at me from across the gym. Yamaguchi glares at the captain and soon enough all boys have gone into Katrina protection mode. The boys from the other team are now scared of my boys' looks and I feel comforted.

The time flies after that, filled with stretching and nervous banter. All of a sudden it is game time. My boys stand on the court ready to face a team that has the power to make or break our confidence. Kageyama looks over at me and I smile gently. The team is on edge and when the ball ends up in Tanaka's hand to serve, we breathe in collectively. The ball is up in the air and with a hit, it's over the net.

Kuroo receives it perfectly and Kozume doesn't have to move a bit to set for mowhawk boy. The boy tries to drive it into the ground but our captain receives. Kageyama moves a bit and goes to set. He has two options and for a split second, he looks to me as I put three fingers in the air.

He nods as he performs my third play. The ball immediately goes to Asahi as Kageyama watches Hinata fly in the air. Hinata swings like he usually does and when he hits nothing, he falls to the ground with a smile. Our ace hits it but their libero gets a hand on it before we win the point. That libero is going to be so much more trouble than I first anticipated.

"Katrina," Noya mutters next to me. I look to the other libero and I bite my lip.

"I know. They're all good receivers but he's going to be a problem," I tell the boy at my side. I give him a reassuring look and push him onto the court as Tsukki comes off. Ukai is next to me and I know what he's thinking. "Yes I had seen them on Thursday but I didn't really watch the libero. I was too busy with the captain and setter."

"Well, since we aren't going to do the double setter technique—"

"I know but I'm not putting Suga in. I am not going to take the chance and we are going to run the combinations," I tell Ukai and he gives a frown.

"You're too careful and you're going to hold them back," he tells me and I glare. The man glares back. Everyone holds their breath in fear. "I'm serious. If they say they're fine, you let them go. They're players and you're not their mom. We're only coaches."

I watch as the game goes on and we start racking up the points. Hinata and Kageyama show our power and Nekoma is surprised. Kozume is surprised about Hinata. As I watch the other setter, I know he's analyzing my team and me too. As I give the hand signs every now and then, the boy watches me closely. They're examining us and my boys are getting nervous with them starting to block Hinata. But we are not up to standard with our mindset the way it is. The score is 20-19 them and Ukai is restless. I continue our conversation from before. We're going to lose because I want to see how Ukai coaches and I haven't fixed our problems.

"You're not thinking straight; Suga is in pain and putting him is the wrong decision. We are the barriers between them and what they love but we are necessary because they won't stop themselves. We have to say no. Would you let a suicidal person have a gun? A noose? A blade?" I ask angrily as we get more points. Ukai is quiet and refuses to look at me. He's too reckless sometimes.

We may be staying close right now but Nekoma is adapting quickly. The second match is going to be a bother with their adapting nature. We lose the first match by the skin of Nekoma's teeth and I have the boys come in. I watch them as they run slower than normal to us. I need to up their stamina workouts. Maybe I can add another mile to their run and skimp a little on the receiving practice that I make so heavy.

"I don't like their setter," Tsukki mutters when we have them in a circle. Ukai was handling the boys but now I'm taking the reins.

"You want me to tell you what you need to do?" I ask and the boys nod. I smile largely and take a deep breathe. "We're going to start running the star combination every third time until we get to fifteen points. Then do it every fourth."

"Star is the one with me going to hit it behind Asahi?" Hinata asks and I nod at him. I look at Kageyama and grab his shoulder.

"Kozume is going to start dumping. You are to do the same. He reads people really well so use the glances but never when dumping. Serve at Kozume," I tell him and then look at Tanaka and Tsukki. "All spikes are to go to Kozume. Every last one. Tsukki, you're on his every move. Watch him blankly. Not shit talking. I don't want to destroy Kozume, just bring down the morale."

"You're willing to play dirty?" Ukai whispers as the boys leave us. I look at him and shake my head.

"It's not playing dirty. It's just strategy," I tell the man. I can see Kuroo analyzing what I told them to do. He looks at Tsukishima and frowns. We start the game and when Tsukki starts his methods, the Nekoma team starts to fall apart. Their brain is stopping. They're going to be like a person in a coma.

And suddenly, I realize that no matter how I feel about the other team, I am willing to destroy them for my boys. My team will always come first and I will do everything I can to make them win—even if that means destroying who I wanted to protect on the other team. Kozume was supposed to be protected by me. I know he can't handle what I'm throwing at him. I have to stop Tsukki. But I have to keep up the wearing his body down.

Tsukki comes off the court for Noya to go into back row. I grab the blonde who is still fulfilling his job even though he's off the court. I watch Kozume on the other side as he serves into the net. The score is 15-12 us and I know this is just the beginning of our lead. Kozume is only going to get worse here on out. But I can see the old coach watching my boys to find our hole. That hole is Hinata and his quicks. Even though he's deadly, he's also a one trick pony. He's easy to read and therefore easy to stop.

"Tsukki," I call and the boy comes to me. He stares at me with a slight frown but this is his normal expression. "I want you to stop the stares at Kozume."

"Why? He's falling apart like you said," the beanstalk asks in surprise. I nod my head but look back at Kozume. The boy's head is facing the floor and his eyes are dull like he's retreated into his mind. My heart clenches to see him so hurt. It would be like if they knew about me not playing and they would continue to ask me about it. This isn't fair. I don't want to win this way.

"I know he is and this is enough. Like I said, I don't want to destroy him," I tell Tsukki while still watching the blonde setter.

"You're too easy on him," Tsukki complains and I look at him with a sad smile. My friend flinches with my expression and he gives only a nod. He must understand that we can't do it. He normally argues with me more than this.

I keep watching as Kageyama goes to serve. The boy looks at me and I give a stiff nod. He bounces the ball and nods back. He's going to aim at Kozume and I just gave the order to destroy the boy. I am a terrible person. I watch as Kageyama throws the ball into the air and he takes two steps for his jump serve. The boy zeros in on the other setter across the net. Then the echo of the sweet spot rings through the gym.

I watch the ball spin as it flies directly at Kozume. The boy's golden eyes widen and he moves to get under the ball. But he's been worked too much and is too tired to be fast. So the ball hits his arms wrong and flies off the court. The libero attempts to save it but even I wouldn't be able to make the miracle play. We get the point and now the score is 23-17. Two more points and we take the match.

Kageyama is handed the ball again and looks over a second time. I keep my eyes on him and only him. If I look at the other team, I'm sure to cave in. Kageyama raises a brow and I nod across the court. The boy nods and I watch as he goes to make a second service ace. Kozume is too tired and I know we're guaranteed the win. Only one point until we defeat them.

This time I make the mistake of looking over at the team in red. Kuroo is looking at me with the deepest scowl ever and I flinch. The boy moves Kozume behind him and shields the boy as he rearranges the receiving line. He's still in formation but now runs the risk of covering too much space. I know he would rather have that than Kozume missing again.

My genius setter bounces the ball and I turn to see him waiting for my approval. I smile sadly and mouth 'finish them' and the boy doesn't even nod. He obtains a smirk as he tosses the ball into the air and hits it with more power than ever. Kuroo watches the ball and gets it up but the libero takes it for a set. The captain goes to spike but his weakness in the area is shown when my small middle blocker goes up with him.

For once Hinata blocks the ball completely and we win the match. Kageyama goes up to the boy and slaps his back. Hinata takes the action as a fight and they start their bickering. Daichi as usual gets mad with their attitude and scares them. The boys come off the court with large smiles and heavy breathing. We're tired and this is going to cost us the match if I'm not careful.

"So what now coach?" Tanaka asks between gulps of water. I put my hand into my hair and grab my braid. I look at Kozume and know the coach is going to be switching the positions to protect him.

"Aim at the captain. He's going to be in the middle of things and we won't be able to get to the setter anymore. Hinata, they're going to put the other first year on you. Be ready to blocked and Nishinoya, come in closer for the touches," I tell them and the boys nod. Daichi shifts and I know he wants to know something. I gesture and he opens his mouth.

"We're not running the double setter at all today?" he asks with a controlled voice and I sigh.

"We can't. Now get out there and start using the alpha formation," I command and they nod. I put my hand out in the circle and make a fist. The boys do the same and I take a deep breathe. "Breathe and just listen."

The boys do the same and I can feel the nerves surrounding us. It feels suffocating. Though as time goes by and they expel their feelings, the calm overcomes us. I no longer feel helpless like I can't do anything to help them with their feelings. I grab the pinky and thumb of those next to me. Suga is on one side and Asahi on the other. They squeeze my digits and the circle is connected. The whistle blows and I smile with my eyes closed.

"Katrina," Ukai says behind me and I nod. I open my eyes and see the boys proud and excited.

"You're ready. Now go out there and show them how we fly," I scream. The boys yell out with confidence and I let go. They run onto the court, energized for the small while.

The game begins its final match and can see that Hinata is being followed by the spiky haired first year. Kozume is protected at every turn and Kuroo's stamina doesn't seem to be swaying. Their stamina is on a whole other level from my boys. Kozume is the only one who gets tired easily but the others are still going like they're fresh. The libero starts to take more and more spikes and nothing we do is getting through. Our decoy has fallen and we're tired. Our one chance has been countered and the boys are still missing the double setter routine we drilled into them.

From all this Nekoma starts to pull away and I check the score. Its 17-13 them. I call a time out to give the boys some rest but can offer no other solutions to destroy them. Tsukki looks at me and I know he wants to start the attack on Kozume. I can't do that though. That isn't winning because of our skill but winning by our strategy. I need to know how good they are without my strategy. That and I can see Kozume looking at me with a pleading look. He can't take it and I'm torn.

I push my boys back onto the court and the points pass. We aren't prepared enough and we're lacking. Nekoma wins the game with us chasing after five points away. But my boys aren't terribly sad. Instead they are looking at Nekoma in wonder. They ask for another match and when I nod, they yell in happiness. They may not have enough stamina to win but they can keep going. They're going to sleep like the dead on the bus.

"Come here and stretch out before you start another match," I call to my team. They nod and put on jackets to keep their muscles warm. I go to the other coaches and they look at me suspiciously. They know I'm the one orchestrating our attacks.

"Hitz-chan, you are very surprising," the old coach tells me and I smile.

"I'm glad I'm not boring and your coming here was worth the trip," I tease and the old man laughs. I turn to his team and find them also stretching. "I suggest a fifteen minute break. I don't want them to throw up on the bus when we head home."

"That would be unfortunate," the young coach groans and I grin. I hear footsteps bounding to me and know it's the mischievous second years.

"Katrina can you play? I'm too tired to keep going in for Tsukki," Noya whines behind me. I turn around and can see his large smile.

"You can keep playing. I didn't bring any of my gear. Besides its good for your stamina training," I chide and Tanaka produces a bag.

"We brought your bag and Noya is already working on stamina training. You can play for him when he goes in for Tsukishima," Tanaka says deviously and I sigh. They aren't going to let this go. But the fear starts to creep up on me.

"It's up to the other coaches. They don't want to play against girls," I mutter but the old man laughs next to me.

"We wouldn't mind playing against you. Ukai said you were the best libero he had ever seen," he chuckles and I turn red. I nod my thanks and grab my bag from Tanaka.

"You two go stretch. And not cheating," I grumble and the boys run off with large smiles. I turn back to the Nekoma coaches. They look at me curiously and I give them a scared smile. "Thank you for this. I really appreciate it."

They nod and I take off across the gym. The boys are all happily watching me take my bag to the locker rooms. I stick my tongue out at them as the voices start to rise up. My fear of playing in a match against another team is starting to overtake me. I had been bad because I was off with the boy's attitudes. That and having the looming thought that Kuroo was going try to talk to me added to the fear. The voices start shouting as I get into the hall.

You can't play. How dare you think that you are actually normal! You're stupid to think that you could do this. You can't play. You're worthless to those boys. You can't even have them win. What do they even talk to you for? You're a worthless part of this team. They aren't even your team. You're the outsider! You can't play. Go home. We need to go home. They are watching and you can't risk playing. They'll get us.

No, there is no one. I say that over and over trying to convince my mind which is so sure that we are being watched. I know that it's all a lie but I can't help but feel fear rise up. I have to get to the locker rooms soon. The voices are going on and on and on. I shush them and push them away before I could have an attack. I duck into a room that has the word 'locker rooms' and find it empty.

Pushing against the voices I lower myself on the tile floor. The cold helps me think of only the feeling of warming up. I focus on the colors of the locker room next. There's blue and the red that is the same as the Nekoma team's jerseys. Think about that red. I focus and close my eyes as I push my hands into my head. Think of the team. I begin to see golden eyes in my mind and I struggle to breathe. I calm myself with the thought of chocolate brown eyes and can see large hands with my imagination. The hands have calluses and I smile.

I've calmed myself enough to sit on the tile and I grab my bag. Hugging my bag to my chest I contemplate not playing and letting the boys do their own game. But they want to see me play. Hell, we want to play, my voice mutters. And it's true. I do want to play. I want to play so badly that that fact scares me too. We have to try to get better. Just because we aren't cured doesn't mean that I don't try to get there. We'll never be cured. We can only get better.

"We're playing," I announce to the empty room.

My voice was filled with determination and I open my bag to find everything that I need. I take off my Karasuno jacket and then leave my shirt. My arms are free and clear and I stare at them for a moment. They're disgusting. Avoiding the sight, I take off my pants and put on spandex shorts. They're a little longer than I'm used to but they're a chaste choice for today. I take off my shoes and socks while I rummage for my ankles braces.

I'm too busy searching in my messy bag and don't hear the locker room door open. I also don't hear the person close it or notice the fact that they're shaking. But what I do notice is the audible gasp when the person sees me without my normal coverage. My ankles and arms are fully visible and when I turn, I find a scared Kozume staring at me. My heart explodes with fear and adrenaline starts pumping. I suddenly feel sick and cover my mouth as Kozume continues to stare. It's only when I take a sharp breath in that he stops and he averts his gaze.

"Sorry," he says quickly and the boy is having a panic attack of his own. I force myself not to scream in agony as my whole life crumbles to nothing. Kozume attempts to escape but I'm faster than him, blocking the door. He looks down and I feel my throat close.

"Don't tell anyone," I beg as I feel tears come to my eyes. "You can't tell anyone."

The boy lifts his head and stares at my falling tears through his dyed hair. He nods slightly and I bite my quivering lip. He can't tell anyone. He glances at my arms that are between us and he can't look away. He thinks I'm disgusting and worthless and horrible. I'm ugly. The voices start back up and I feel the bile rise up in my throat.

I put my hand to mouth and run to the sink. Barely making it, the acid from not eating burns my throat and mouth. The sink is painted with colors of yellow and brown and my back arches with the pain. I hate throwing up. There are too many things going on and I cry harder through the convulsions. Kozume is suddenly gone and I'm glad that he isn't here to witness my breakdown. I clutch the sink harder as I finally stop and turn the water on to wash away the evidence.

Just when I think I'm alone and I can hide from the world and the voices in my brain, someone is behind me. Their hand touches my shoulder and I look at the picture in the mirror. A tall boy with black hair haphazardly standing up, holds my shoulder for support. I blink and wipe my mouth harder than necessary, my nails digging into my skin. The boy doesn't speak and I can see Kozume not far away. Kuroo looks at my arm through the mirror and his eyes widen.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know what to do," Kozume says softly but it feels as if we're underwater. The water from the sink still flows and I shake my head. The voices are getting softer with the loss of hearing and I'm scared. I turn around with wet eyes and need to hold something. I need to feel safe. So I grab Kuroo's arm and place myself close to his chest. I feel the blood from my bitten lip trail down my chin and know that's the real reason the voices are going down. It's the pain.

Kuroo hugs me before I could instruct him and I bury my face into his sweaty jacket. The boy's long arms hold me closer and closer, squeezing me to the point I can't breathe. It feels nice though and my heart starts to slow down. My body feels cold as I realize sweat of fear and adrenaline has drenched my clothes. Kuroo's warmth comforts me and I stop crying. The red of my blood is unnoticeable in his red jacket and I take several deep breaths. I'm worn out and know that I'm not playing today. My fear has won this battle. But it hasn't won the war, my voice encourages.

"Thank you," I whisper into the quiet room. Kozume must have shut off the water at some point. I detach myself from Kuroo and move to my bag. Shakily, I put on my socks and jacket, the normal motions helping me to get some comfort.

"Are you okay? Do you need anything?" Kuroo asks quickly and I look to Kozume. He's staring at me but not in fear. He's staring in pity and I know he knows how I feel. We both have the same attacks. I look at Kuroo and shake my head.

"Please just don't tell anyone. I don't want them to know. They'll look at me differently," I tell him and he nods shakily. The boy seems so fragile even though I'm the one who is falling apart. I put a hand on his arm and rub it. He looks at my shaking hand and frowns slightly. "I'll be fine. Thank you."

"How?" Kozume blurts out and I look at him softly. He seems scared too. They look at me and wonder how I could do such a thing to myself. They wonder what could have ever made me try to not exist anymore.

"It was almost two years ago. I was, it was," I start off and then look at him sadly. "It's complicated why I did it. As for how, it was easy enough."

"Do you regret it?" Kuroo asks me and I look at him carefully. In my mind, I know I should say yes. I know I should say that I should never have killed myself. But now my mouth won't speak the words. I guess my suicide is more complicated than just that. There were too many factors and if I had never done it, would I still be here? Would I have gotten the help that I had needed if I hadn't been found in the tub that day? I probably would have tried it still, but maybe then, I would have actually succeeded. The truth is:

"I don't know," I confess. I smile a tired smile and try to reassure these two boys that everything will be okay. But the truth is, I don't even know if it will be okay. I don't know if I'm okay.

* * *

I didn't play that day. The boys were disappointed. But when Kozume made up the excuse that I was actually sick, they were all worried. Kozume is surprisingly strong minded when he wants to do something. One of these things was exchanging numbers with me. He said it was because of team relations but I think he's worried about me. I'm worried about him too and plan on texting him every now and then to check if he's alright. I think my answer to Kuroo's question really scared him.

Other than that, they boys were more careful with me for a couple of days. They made sure I drank lots of water and that I ate snacks and that I even took my medication on time. They also got over the fact that I am going to tell them what they can and cannot do. Suga stopped moping around by the second practice he sat out. He played the day after and I now make sure that none of the boys are injured before they can practice.

Me? I was a little different. I realized that for the first time, someone other than a medical professional had seen my scars—two people actually. Two people had the knowledge that I tried to kill myself. Two people had the knowledge that my ankles and arms were ridden with ugly scars from my past life. Two people knew one of my secrets. But they didn't know the other one.

"So in total, no one actually knows all of my secrets. My doctors know that I tried to kill myself and that I am a paranoid schizophrenic. Oikawa knows I'm sick and Kozume and Kuroo know I tried to kill myself. But there is no one who knows both," I tell my psychiatrist. Today is Thursday and these thoughts have been bothering me since Sunday. The woman sits in her chair listening carefully and asks questions every now and then.

"And do you regret them knowing these facts about yourself?" the woman asks in curiosity and I shrug while lying down.

"I wouldn't have told them if they didn't force me or hadn't stumbled across me. I don't care if they know, I just care that they don't tell anyone. No one should know both things," I tell her and the woman smiles softly.

"And what about telling Aone? Are you going to tell him both things?"

I freeze and realize the woman hadn't forgotten from the beginning of the session about Aone's question. I still hadn't really figured out what I would tell him in another week. Should the boy know? But I want him to stay. He won't stay if I tell him. I'll be alone to battle my demons and I know that I'll lose. That can't really happen. Though if it does, I'll have to move on. There's no use forcing the boy to stay. It wouldn't matter if I fall apart or not.

"I haven't decided that yet," I mutter slightly angry that I ever told the woman about Aone.

"Well that's okay. You'll decide sooner or later," she says bluntly and I look to the cyborg. She sits straight up and has a blank look. The woman annoys me with her lack of emotions but I can't help but like the way she helps me. Then the woman looks at her wrist and she looks at me with a tilt of her head. "You better get going. You don't want to miss the train."

"Thanks," I tell her gratefully as I stand up.

My arms are stiff with the movement and remind me that I wrapped them with bandages. I haven't been able to look at them at all. I wrap them every morning and don't take them off until I go to sleep. The woman gets up and goes to her desk. We exchange no other words and I leave her office. Traveling through the halls, I worry again about what I'm going to tell Aone when the time comes. How am I supposed to explain what I have done to myself?

Maybe we shouldn't tell him, my voice offers but I know it's wrong. We have to tell him. He's too worried to tell him a lie or to break his trust. He worries about us and we have to trust in him that he will stay—even if we believe he won't be there in the end. I hate how I'm so scared and take his presence for granted when I'm with him. We should memorize each moment with the boy because you don't know what life is going to do.

As I hit the street, I find that it's more packed than usual. There are tourists all around and I wonder why they're all here. In addition there are university students—who seem like they're in med school. As I try to avoid the crowd, I overhear some girls laughing. I only catch part of the conversation in English. They're making fun of some boy and they know that with their fast paced tones that the boy won't be able to pick up on what they're saying. I look at the blondes and frown.

They shouldn't do that to anyone. Just because they think he's different doesn't mean that they should make fun of him. I follow their gestures to the entrance of the hospital and feel my blood boil when I see the boy. Aone stands near the door, awkwardly trying to keep out of everyone's way. The boy looks at the book in his hand and I can see he's uncomfortable with everyone watching him. Red hot anger comes up to the surface and I feel a ferocious look come to my face. I march up to the girls.

" _He's so weird and scary_ ," one says to the other in English and when they find me in front of them, they both frown. They're taller than me and I glare.

"Can I help you?" one asks in Japanese and I smile sweetly.

" _You shouldn't talk badly about people. You know that saying about the pot calling the kettle black,"_ I whisper and they both stiffen when they realize I understood them.

" _What's your problem?"_

" _I'm just saying, you shouldn't throw stones when you're living in a glass house,"_ I retort and they frown harder.

" _You're a bitch_ ," the first says as a joke and I laugh.

" _Damn right I am and don't you dare let me catch you guys alone or else,"_ I threaten sweetly and then walk away.

They're both surprised by my audacity and I go to Aone. The boy doesn't notice me until I scoff my anger away. They're the bitches. I grab the boy's free hand and stomp away. Aone somehow allows me to drag his full 6 foot body and I look back at the girls with a disgusted scowl. I am so going to beat them up if I find them alone. They are so dead. With my angry steps, I don't realize I'm at the bakery until Aone waves a hand before my eyes.

When I look to the boy I find his unsaid question. He's wondering if I'm alright. I nod and then let go of his hand. We enter the bakery as I deflate and the girl at the counters waves with joy. She's a little bit newer and was always happy because I didn't mind that she's slow. I often give the girl a great tip to make up for the people who give her a hard time.

"Hey!" she greets when we get to the counter. She has already set our pastries aside and I turn to get my card out of my bag. "You're a little earlier than normal. Good thing I put your stuff aside when I got here."

"Yah, thanks for that," I tell her with a smile and the girl is overjoyed with the simple gesture. As I struggle with finding my card with my mess, Aone holds out his hand. I look at the large palm and find he's handing the girl money. I screech and try to pull his arm back. "You are not paying."

"I am," he says matter-of-factly and I shake my head over and over. He just looks at me with an exasperated look.

"No you aren't. I always pay for this and I will continue to pay for this. It's our routine," I tell him and he shakes his head softly. The boy hands the young girl the cash before I could pull his arm back. She exchanges a look with him and then smiles a teasing smile at me.

"Oh let him," she teases and I huff while I cross my arms.

The girl laughs and takes his money, handing Aone the change when she's done. The boy then grabs the pastries and begins to walk away. I'm still angry with his paying for me and he looks back to my still body. I shake my head as I pout and Aone lets out a deep sigh. He grabs my hand in his and drags my small body out of the bakery. I allow the boy to lead me to the bus stop and then after the bus ride was finished, I allow him to drag me to the ticket machine—all while holding my hand.

The station is packed and we have to wait a long time to get our tickets but people jostle me around. I'm small enough that people don't notice me and Aone can see that. With him holding my hand so we don't get separated, it feels like the most natural thing in the world. We finally get to the ticket machine and I pay for my ticket before Aone can try to do anything else. The boy lets go of my hand and I still make him feel guilty for paying. It isn't until he grabs my hand once again to not lose me in the crowd that I realize he's actual **holding** my hand.

It felt so natural that I didn't even realize what we were doing. He was leading me and I was following. But as I stare at our linked hands, I can feel my body get hot and butterflies cloud my stomach. The boy doesn't seem to notice our situation until he finds me staring at his large hand. He watches my hand clutch his tighter and then blushes to his neck. We both look away but continue with our actions. I blush and we enter the train still linked.

As we sit down, Aone finally releases my hand and I feel oddly sad about it. But at the same time, I'm nervous as all hell. I mean, what does that mean? What are we doing? What should I do? Do I say something? Should he say something? He's not going to say something. Therefore I'm going to have to be the one speak up. I'm the one that's going to have to ask what this actually means. I don't know what I should do. I am just going to die. Yep, I'm just going to die.

A bag of pastries is then in my face and I take it without hesitation. I open up to find cookies and immediately take a chocolate chip one. Aone is also eating his and we watch the people get off the train to distract ourselves. At least that's what I'm doing. I don't know what he's doing because I refuse to even look at him. Oh my god what if he thinks holding my hand is weird. Maybe he didn't want to even hold my hand and it was just me that kept holding on. Agh, I don't know!

I jump in my seat when a hand touches my arm. I finally look at Aone and immediately know he needs his tie fixed. I stand on the train and move to the front of him. The boy blushes and he somehow places his hands around my waist to hold me. His hands are warm through my uniform and my hands go to his tie. I start to fix his tie and my heart pounds in my ears. Aone is warm with embarrassment and I try to ease it with a smile.

The smile must do the opposite because he blushes and looks down. It's really endearing actually. My smile grows with how cute the large boy can be and I fix his tie happily. As usual, I finish and look at my handiwork. We're good until the train takes on a harsh bump. Then with my clumsiness, my descent to the ground is imminent. But the boy isn't going to let that happen.

The hands shift and one is under my legs and the other is pulling me in. Aone stands as he pulls me up and I close my eyes. I'm lifted higher than I'm used to and warm arms wrap around me as I am held bridal style. When I finally open my eyes, I'm staring at a yellow tie and white shirt. I breathe out as I bump my forehead onto Aone's chest.

"Thanks," I whisper as I look up to my savior.

Aone is staring down at me and his face is scrunched up. It may seem scary but people miss the parting of his lips that suggests wonder. I smile up at him and his lips start to turn upwards with happiness. His eyes close as his smile grows and grows. The boy starts to chuckle and I can feel the rumble in his chest. He pulls me closer to him and lowers his head to touch the top of mine. I start to laugh with him and I can't stop my cheeks from hurting with happiness.

"Are you okay?" Aone asks when his hands lower me to the ground. I nod and my stomach feels weightless while my face feels hot. Then my brain thinks it's funny to spit things out without going through the 'bad things to not say to the boy who is very handsome' filter.

"As long as I'm with you I'll be okay."

And even though I didn't think about the words, I know they're true.

And I think I'll be okay.

* * *

 **I know I haven't updated in a while and I'm sorry it's not as long as I would normally give you for two weeks time. Finals are coming up and I have three weeks of classes left. I'm not really worried about the papers because I can write pretty fast but the tests and Latin final are going to give me trouble. With that said, it might be a little longer until I update. I'll try to have it by December, but I can't make any promises. Comment if you like and I hope you all have a great winter! I know that I'm kinda sad that I can't wear shorts-but now I wear them with thigh high socks so the cold doesn't bother me that much. See you guys!**

 **As always, follow, fave, review, obsess. Loves yous guys!**


	18. Not Fair

**Chapter Eighteen: Not Fair**

* * *

" **It may be unfair, but what happens in a few days, sometimes even a single day, can change the course of a whole lifetime..."**

― **Khaled Hosseini,** _ **The Kite Runner**_

" **It's probably my job to tell you life isn't fair, but I figure you already know that. So instead, I'll tell you that hope is precious, and you're right not to give up."**

― **C.J. Redwine,** _ **Defiance**_

" **Life is fair. We all get the same nine-month shake in the box, and then the dice roll. Some people get a run of sevens. Some people, unfortunately, get snake-eyes. Its just how the world is."**

― **Stephen King,** _ **Full Dark, No Stars**_

* * *

Painting your nails is extremely hard when you have limited movement in your arms. It was the day after my therapy appointment and was a Friday. I had continued with wrapping my arms tightly to not have myself see them. I had asked Kiyoko if I could stay over at her house and she had said it would be better next week. I was fine with that because I was still a little off from someone seeing my arms. The boys were practicing and Suga was cleared by me to play in the scrimmage. I was sitting out because the first years had somehow convinced me to have them sleep over. If I refused, everyone would be sad, including myself. I needed the distraction.

"Kiyoko," I call the girl. She moves to my place in the corner of the gym and sits next to me. The boys only have diving drills and their run left so we can sit down. "Can you paint my right hand please?"

"If you do mine," she replies and I smile at her.

The girl gives me a small smile and her eyes sparkle. I stare as I realize she is really pretty. Any boy would be lucky to have her as a girlfriend. Does she have a boyfriend? The girl takes the polish from me and begins to paint my nails. The color of the polish is a black with red sparkles. It's dark and kinda edgy. I also have a light pink that I'll use for Kiyoko.

"Hey Kiyoko, do you have a boyfriend?" I ask her and she jumps. She nearly paints her own hand with her surprise. She examines my nails with great interest as if I never asked a question. The girl blushes but looks up at me quietly. I wait expectantly but she shakes her head.

"I do not. Do you?" she asks as her voice takes on a teasing tone.

I stick my tongue out and then shake my head. I'm not dating anyone. Who would want to date me? I'm crazy. The only boy who stays with me that isn't directly connected to the team is Aone. He has never seen me play and I have never seen him play. He just rides the train with me and, well, talks with me. He also holds your hand, my voice giggles and I sigh. I don't know what that means though!

"What does it mean when a boy holds your hand?" I ask Kiyoko as she finishes my nails. As I grab the other polish, the girl gasps and looks at me with an astonished face. I grab her hand as I turn red. That's really embarrassing actually. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.

"Did you ask him what it means?" she asks and now I'm the one who is concentrating on nails. I shake my head and Kiyoko laughs. I turn even more red and pout childishly.

"You don't have to laugh. I know it's funny but come on. I need some help," I whine and the girl only giggles some more. I like her laugh. It sounds like the feeling of opening your Christmas presents—delightful excitement. I paint her nails as carefully as I can and notice her fingers are slim and pale. My fingers have a stubbiness to them from jamming them every now and then.

"It's funny because you're so concerned. You must really like this boy," she remarks.

I've had it with telling everyone I don't like Aone—they never believe me. I mimic her speaking to tease the girl and finish her nails. The boys who had gone for the run are back and are diving. They'll so some serves and then we'll be done. Ukai watches them as I put my stuff away. Kiyoko and I get up while we let our nails dry. I begin to wonder just what I'm going to have to make for dinner with the boys. What's in my refrigerator?

There's a bunch of bustle and I turn to the door to find Takeda speaking loudly with someone. I can't see the person but the boys are laughing about something Noya did. I can't hear my teacher's conversation and I feel worried all of a sudden. The person pushes their way through the door and I feel scared. I rush to make sure that this isn't my crazy coach and for a moment I wish the man that stands before me is that man. As I freeze in my tracks and stare at the man, the boys are suddenly at my side.

"Who is this Katrina?" Tanaka asks, pushing me behind him. I gulp and put my hand on his shoulder.

"He's my father," I announce as I stare at the German man in a navy suit and red tie.

My father was tall and stocky. My body type was the opposite of him, a characteristic of which took after my mother, though my hair and eyes were almost the same as my father. He had eyes so clear amber that you could see through them. His hair was brown but a little darker than my own. My personality was just like my father but when we were together, we turned like strangers. He at least can stomach to see me though. My mom doesn't visit anymore.

" _Katrina_ ," my father calls and I nod. My boys surround me carefully, unsure why my father and I are so cold with one another. I roll my lips with uncertainty and then look at Yamaguchi who is at my side. He gives a nervous look and I step forward to my father. My father isn't as tall as Aone but he still looks down at me. I try to manage a smile just like how he does the same.

" _Hey dad. You look good,"_ I say softly and he nods stiffly. His eyes go around at the crowd of people and then look back at me blankly.

" _Who are these people?"_ he asks and the boys are getting restless.

" _I coach the boys' volleyball team. This is the team. The girl is the manager. The blond man is the other coach and the one wearing glasses is our faculty director,"_ I tell my father slowly. He nods and I can feel the boys stiffen with his examination.

" _Well, I was wondering if you had time. We can get some dinner, and, talk?"_ he says but it's more of a question than statement. I look at Yamaguchi and the boy frowns. I look back at my dad and he frowns also.

" _Some guys were going to stay over but I can send them home before me. They can get a pizza or raid my leftovers and snacks,"_ I tell my father and he looks at me sternly.

" _Can you trust them?"_ he asks through clenched teeth.

" _Of course,"_ I reply with a locked jaw.

My father looks like he's going to disagree but thinks it over. He nods and then turns out of the building. The man, for being a lawyer, hates to talk to strangers. My mom is the people person. That's what makes them such a great pair. I watch his fleeting back and release the breath that I had been holding. Turning, Kiyoko hands me my bag and I smile at her in thanks. I take out my keys and hand them to Tsukki who has come forward—no doubt confused by my father.

"You guys can head home. Play some video games and stuff and I'll be home to make some dinner. The fridge should have snacks if you guys are starving. I'm going to talk to my dad, so don't wait up," I tell the blonde and he nods. Kageyama and Hinata look at me curiously.

"We didn't know your dad was coming," Hinata chirps happily and I sigh. The boys all give confused looks by my attitude towards my father and I can only offer a sad smile.

"I didn't either," I reply as I exit the gym.

My father is waiting feet away and tenses once again when he sees me. It's been a couple of months since he came to visit. Mom must have been getting restless with the date being so close. The anniversary of my suicide is only a couple weeks away. It's a week and a half before the tournament. My mom must have had a breakdown and my dad couldn't take her accusations. So here he is.

" _Is there anywhere you recommend?"_ my father asks lightly and I shake my head.

As we walk to the front, I'm acutely aware that he doesn't want to make small talk. His body language is closed and restless. He's been with me for only a couple of minutes and already he wants to get away. It figures. I'm like the walking guilt manifested from his nightmares. I sometimes wish he wouldn't visit. But other times, I feel happy that he actually cares enough to subject himself to me.

When we get to the front a town car is waiting. My father opens the black door and we enter the backseat. The silence is suffocating and I wish that this wasn't the silence I heard. I wish I was somewhere else where I didn't have to speak but the silence wouldn't kill me like it is doing right now. This is what happens when people know the whole truth about me.

"Where are we going?" the driver asks as he pulls away from the curb. I finger my tights and wait for my father to answer. The man doesn't seem like he is going to so I speak up in Japanese. Maybe dad hasn't learned Japanese yet and that's why he didn't answer. The driver must figure I understand him and he switched from English.

"Take us to town. There should be a coffee shop next to the bookstore," I tell the driver.

The man in a black suit nods and I wait for my father to speak. He doesn't. I sigh lightly and open my bag to find my phone. There's a message and I open to find that it's Aone. He hasn't text me for a while and I wonder what happened to him that made him text me. Opening up the message, I feel confused by the question.

 **Do you know how to braid hair?**

Of course I know how to braid hair. My hair is always in a braid. But why is the boy asking me? It's not like he can braid his own hair. His sister, my voice reminds me and I slap my forehead in realization. He wants to braid his sister's hair. I begin to text back before I find my father watching me from the corner of his eye. I glance at him and then he looks straight forward again. My hands and face turn back to my phone as I let out a defeated breath. He isn't going to really talk this trip.

 **Yes I do. Do you need help with your sister's hair?**

I have to debate in my head for several minutes if I actually want to send a smiley face at the end. Is that too desperate? Will it seem like I'm making fun of him? My hands start to sweat with the anxiety and I forgo the emoji. Aone's response is quick and I smile at my phone.

 **Maybe. She wanted to grow it out long and now she wants it braided for tomorrow. My mom left town on business and I don't know what to do.**

I snort at the first word. He doesn't want to get hysterical and have his sister get freaked out. I can imagine him just internally holding in the hysteria and clenching his jaw. He's probably freaking his sister out more with the look of blankness than if he would if he told her he didn't know. My father again looks over at me and I ignore him as I type Aone directions.

 **It's easy. Sit her down and then part her hair into three sections. Then take the right section and put it over the middle while pulling the middle to the right. Then take the left and put it over the new middle and pull the middle to the left. You get it?**

 **Not really. It's just a mess now. Help.**

The response is instantaneous and I giggle slightly. I'm going to have to teach him with my hair. Thursday I'll have to show him. As for now, I guess I could tell him he could put her hair into a bun. Even if it's messy it would still look pretty nice. As I'm about to text back, a call comes in. It's Aone. He must be really freaking out. I look at my father who stares at my phone in interest. Giving an apologetic smile, I answer.

"You're freaking out aren't you," I say into the receiver and I get a quick grunt as my response. "Okay does it have to be a braid first of all?"

I hear a voice in the background that is distinctly a small girl. She sounds as if she's arguing with Aone and the boy is just sighing in response. Finally the girl stops talking and I hear Aone trying to reason with her. Of course it's just mutters of 'work with me' but he's trying to reason with her nonetheless. There is silence and I wait for some kind of response.

"No ponytails," Aone finally voices and then he sighs once again. I hold in my laughter and put my hand over my mouth. It totally doesn't help and Aone catches onto my heavy snorts. The boy immediately knows what's happening and his voice is panicked. "Katrina, don't laugh. It's serious."

I finally lose it and Aone just sighs while I'm laughing like an idiot. My father looks at me with a surprised look and I cover my mouth in a pitiful attempt to stop. As I try to regain myself, the driver stops in front of a coffee shop and my dad gets out. I follow him as I take a deep breathe to answer the boy on the other side of the line. He's so cute. He must really love his sister to have called me. He must also really trust me that I could help him in this time of great need.

"Okay, I'm fine. You can do a messy bun pretty easily. First put her hair in a ponytail," I instruct as I follow my father. There is arguing and then a grunt from Aone. "Alright now take the ponytail and point it up and twist the whole thing."

"A lot?" Aone asks, unsure of himself. I smile like an idiot as I imagine him trying to balance the phone on his shoulder.

"Yah but not too tight. Now take the twist and wrap it around the base of the ponytail," I lead. The boy is quiet and I can hear his breathing. It's steady and strong but also there is a slight wheeze of anxiety. "You wrap it until you're at the end. When you're at the end, you push it into the back of the bun and grab another rubber band to hold it together. Is it better?"

"Yes," he replies and I can hear the snap of the rubber band to confirm he's done. He sighs in relief and I wonder how many times he's sighed today.

"Is your sister happy with it?" I ask, a little unsure of how it's going to pass judgment. I'm totally going to teach him how to braid hair.

"Yes. Thank you," Aone says quickly and I smile larger as I follow my father. He leads me to the counter and waits for me to translate our order.

"I'm glad. I'll teach you how to do a simple braid next week. If you need anything, just call. Okay?"

"Thank you."

"It's no big deal. I'm just happy you called," I admit to the boy. I hear an intake of breath and the boy grunts softly. I feel like this is how he talks on the phone all the time-just a lot of grunting and hushed breaths that are really coded messages. "I'll see you next week. Bye."

"Bye."

I close my phone and my dad looks down at me. He has a confused look and I look at the menu. There's a lot of coffee and then there's a lot of tea. I think I'll just take a hot green tea. Dad always wants black coffee. I guess he would probably like the Caribbean roast without cream and sugar.

" _Who was that? Was it a boy?"_ my dad finally breaks the silence and I blush slightly. I'm definitely not going to tell dad about Aone. He would probably freak out.

" _He's a friend,"_ I hesitate too long. My father snorts like I do when I don't believe someone and I turn to find him with a large smile. I roll my eyes childishly and walk up to the counter.

" _Black coffee,"_ my father reminds me, as if I could forget this simple fact about my dad.

" _I know dad,"_ I tell him in German. Turning to the boy at the counter, I switch to Japanese. "One hot green tea, large with four sugars. One Caribbean blend coffee, large black."

"You speak Japanese really well," the boy compliments as he writes the orders on cups. He smiles a little too friendly and I feel myself frown slightly. "I'm going to write my number on your tea. Just in case you want some more private tutoring."

"Well," I say sweetly, my face trying to form into a scowl. My father feels my anger and steps back so I can verbally abuse this flirty cashier. "I don't think I'll need it. I can guarantee I get better scores than you and I'm not into boys who are so, well, desperate."

"Excuse me?" the boy shrieks and I smile even wider as I tilt my head.

"You heard me. You talk too much and frankly, you're not my type," I press on and the boy turns red with anger. I smile a little too largely and the boy opens his mouth to tell me off; this doesn't happen with the large German man standing next to me.

My father steps forward and hands the boy his credit card with an identical smile. The boy huffs as he rings us up. Before we walk away, my father drops a bill into the tip jar. He glares this time and the boy stiffens. I giggle as we go to a booth in the back. For the first time in a long time, I hear my father laugh his hearty laugh; it feels light but the air is changing. We sit and I can feel the cloud of nervousness circle us like a twister. My father and I become strangers again in a matter of seconds.

A waitress brings our drinks moments too soon and I am now forced to think about what we can talk about. My father isn't going to start talking. Oh god this is going to feel like forever. Maybe Aone will need help and save me again. But that isn't going to happen and I take a sip of my tea at the same time my dad takes a sip of his coffee. My father looks at me and I gaze into his eyes. As a child I was always fascinated by them and as a child, I never saw them as much as I wanted.

" _Have you been good?"_ my father asks as he looks down.

" _Yah, as good as I could be. How is mom?"_ I ask shakily. My father bites his lip as I can see him think up a lie. The look is the same as when he told me I would get out of the hospital soon. He's a terrible liar.

" _She's doing well. Sad that she couldn't make it to see you but we're in the middle of a deal and one of us had to stay. And you know me,"_ he says shakily. It would have been a good lie had he not added the forced laugh. I smile at him to ease his stress but it never helps. I am the stress.

" _I know. Tell her I say hi when you get back,"_ I tell him as I look down. Mom wouldn't want to hear it but I have to say that just because I didn't see her.

" _I will,"_ my dad says quickly and then there is a tense silence.

My back is straight against the booth and my heart pounds obnoxiously in my ears. Sometimes I wish he wouldn't visit and other times, I wish that he would visit so I would know that he didn't forget me. My hands swirl my tea around the paper cup and I distract myself. What do I have in the fridge for the boys to eat? I can make stew again but it'll be a little bland since I didn't marinade the meat. Maybe I can do chicken curry. Kageyama would approve of that. I look back at my father to see him watching me carefully.

" _You okay dad?"_ I ask in haste and he nods stiffly.

" _Yah. I was just wondering if you were playing again is all,"_ he mutters and I shake my head.

" _Not in tournaments. I only coach right now."_

" _Well I'm glad you're back at it. You were always happy when you were playing. Are you happy?"_ he asks in a whisper and I bite the inside of my cheek as I force a smile.

" _Yah. The boys are nice and I get to play. It's good for me,"_ I tell him and he squints in debate.

" _Do they know?"_

" _No. One boy knows about my disorder but he's from two towns over and two boys know about the scars but they're on a team in Tokyo,"_ I tell him and he tries to makes sense of what I just said.

" _You didn't tell them voluntarily,"_ he assumes and I shrug. _"Have you told anyone both things?"_

" _Not yet. I'm going to tell one boy but that's only because he's worried about me and the hospital trips,"_ I tell my father. There is my decision for telling Aone. I can't back out now.

" _And this boy is on the team?"_ my father asks curiously. He's smiling lightly at me like he's proud of something. I don't know what he could ever be proud of me for.

" _No. He goes to a different school but lives in Sendai where I have my psyche appointments,"_ I inform.

 _"And you are going to tell him about your,"_ my father trails off and gestures to his head and then my arms vaguely. I sigh and then try to stretch. It's a reminder that I indeed have my arms wrapped and that they are indeed scarred. My mental health is also going down the drain with this conversation.

 _"I am planning on telling him everything,"_ I mutter, horribly tired with this conversation. My father nods and then gestures to his head once again.

 _"But you haven't been having,"_ he ends it right there and I look at him exasperatedly.

Just say it, my voice groans and I give a defeated smile at the man. I know he doesn't like talking about what is wrong with me, but he has to admit there is something wrong. He can't go on just gesturing and acting like the words can't be spoken. I get fed up with the idea that he can't even say what is wrong with me. Instead he gestures like its some secret and no one in the world has the same condition as me. There is something wrong with me but don't act like it's something that we can't identify.

 _"Have I been hearing voices?"_ I hiss a little too aggressively. My father shudders with the question and I hold back my snarl. _"No, the voices haven't been as loud and I haven't hurt myself either if that is your next question. Don't treat me like I'm a freak. I'm sick, not a medical phenomenon."_

 _"Katrina, I didn't mean it like that,"_ my father hurries and I roll my eyes.

 _"I know what you meant it like,"_ I growl.

I turn away and look out the window. People are walking the street, eager to have fun on the Friday night. And here I am-yelling at my father in angry German as he is unable to say the word 'schizophrenia' out loud. I know he means well but something that doesn't matter when he still hurts me. He just doesn't understand and to be blunt, my parents don't want to understand. If they get close to me then they're just going to realize that I really am psychotic. They don't want to see me as anything but their daughter that has some problems which aren't debilitating.

My problems aren't that bad but when you think about it, this is life changing for me. Those people walking the streets can appear normal and I can be like them: happy, content with my life, but never free of fucking voices. When I apply for jobs I have to put that I am schizophrenic when it asks for disabilities. It's not like a tattoo that I can hide under my clothes, because if my medication isn't taken, they will know. I can never hide this from the world; the world will somehow find out and that will only ostracize me.

If I tell the team, they'll abandon me. I'm hoping that if I tell Aone, that he won't hate me. That's the only thing that I don't want him to do. He can never talk to me again. He can never sit next to me on the train again. I can never see him again. I just don't want him to hate me. I don't want him to think about me and then remember that all of this was just a lie. He calling me for help with his sister or he dragging me so I won't get in a fight with people, I don't want him to look back and think about these things while hating me. Because I don't think I could ever hate him.

 _"Katrina!"_

I jolt in my seat as I quickly turn away from the window. My father stares at me worriedly and I just laugh it off. I must have gotten lost again. Looking into my tea, I can feel that it's cold through the paper cup. How long was I out of it? Judging by how my father looks, I would say a long time. So to end this awkward time with my parent, I decide to chug my tea. It would be better to let my father go with at least some good memory of coming to see me.

 _"Sorry,"_ I apologize in a raspy voice despite having finished my tea.

I get out of the booth and walk to the trash at the front of the building. My father follows behind me and does the same with his cup. He opens the door for us and the driver is waiting outside, reading a book. I lead our way to the car and the man hurries to open the door. We get inside and could almost be described as those people in the movies who just so happen to share a taxi. We're quiet all the way to my apartment and I know that this is somehow my fault. If I wasn't sick, none of this would ever happen.

 _"Katrina. Are you sure you're feeling okay? Because if you're not, I can call Doctor Suoh and he can come check on you,"_ my father offers when we get close to my apartment. I shake my head and offer a pathetic smile.

 _"I'm just like this sometimes. There's nothing in the world that can fix it,"_ I tell my dad and he looks at me with a surprised frown.

He can't help me and I have to find someone who can. My parents are the only normal people who know everything and they can't handle this. I doubt anyone ever can. So what's the point in revealing what's wrong with me if no one will stay? I can feel tears come to my eyes as I realize I only have one more day with Aone and then it will be over. I wipe at my eyes as I think about eating our dessert alone and not having anyone next to me on the train.

Aone was the first person to ever really want me not for how I played or because they were related to me. The boy just helped me one day out of the goodness of his heart and I am going to destroy his image of me. He's going to see me as a freak and I can't allow him to not see me as that. The boy has to learn what I am and move on from me. It's the right thing to do because no one should have to deal with me. I should let him go.

" _Katrina, I'm really sorry about whatever I said. Please don't cry,"_ my father apologizes hysterically.

I wipe harder at my face as I realize we're at my apartment. I have to put on my brave face for the boys. I can't look like the sniveling excuse for a sick girl that I am right now. My father puts his hand on my shoulder but it barely even clutches me. He's trying to reassure me but he can't stand to even touch me.

" _It's okay dad. I'm just messed up,"_ I tell him as I suck in the rest of the tears. I've never cried in front of my father after I got sick. I know he wouldn't be able to take it. I get out of the car and my father does absolutely nothing. He makes no move to follow me and I go to my apartment door. Knocking, I wait for the boys to open it as my father is driven away and I don't look back. The door opens to reveal a scowling Kageyama. The boy looks behind me and when he finds I'm alone, he only frowns harder.

"Where's your dad?" he asks as he steps aside.

I shrug pathetically and walk in to find the others on the couch. I go and sit before the lighted television and Tsukki knows something is really wrong. He parts his legs and I sit between them on the floor as he is on the couch. The blonde closes his legs and squishes me between them, his way of trying to tell me I'll be fine.

"He had to go take care of some business. It was only a quick visit," I say, masking my sadness with a nonchalant tone. But the boys know me well enough to know something is wrong. But they also know me well enough to know not to ask.

"Well that's sad. Your dad doesn't visit you a lot and he didn't even stay for dinner," Hinata mutters as Kageyama jumps onto the couch next to him. Yamaguchi hands me a glass of tea and I hold it in my hands. I swirl the liquid in the cup and feel a broken smile come to face.

"I know. Things are just never fair," I whisper.

* * *

"Katrina," whispers a voice muddled with yawns.

I'm in my bed and the sun has a couple of hours to actually rise. The boys and I went to bed two, maybe three hours ago. So as I open my eyes and find Hinata standing in my doorway, I'm confused and half asleep. I sit up in my bed and check if my arms are covered by my sweater. When I'm sure that they are covered completely, I motion for Hinata to come closer. The boy has been a little off all night and I could only guess it was because of how my father acted.

"What's wrong Hinata?" I ask as I motion for the boy to come forward.

He rubs his eyes with his long sleeve blue shirt and shuffles to me. I move over in the bed and then pat the area for him to sit next to me. He flops onto the bed and sleepily gets under the covers. I'm a little surprised by his actions but don't make him get out. He covers both of us back up and I don't know if I should lie down or if I should be appalled that there's a boy in my bed.

I don't do either as I remain looking at the boy. He grabs part of my pillow and moves it for his head to be propped up. Then I just figure that since he's making himself comfortable, he doesn't plan on leaving anytime soon. So I lay down next to him and feel that the boy is literally a human heater. How the hell is he so hot? I'm freezing but now I'm just sweating with his tiny body next to me. He is totally not sleeping with me the entire night just because he's going to make me so uncomfortable.

"Katrina are your parents nice to you?" the boy asks me quietly and I yawn with my fatigue.

The boys had wanted to stay up to play video games and they just discovered a new one in the boxes. I was kinda angry that they made me play but at the same time, touched that they were trying to make me feel better. I mean, who would go as far as squish me between two boys so that I would sit and play a battle game than make cookies? I had hoped they wouldn't be too concerned with me, but with Hinata in my bed, I know that I didn't accomplish my goals.

"Of course they are," I reply as I rub my feet together. They're chilled and I put them on Hinata's bare leg to warm them up. The boy shivers with the contact but doesn't move to remove me from himself. He is a human heater.

"Then why didn't your dad stay? Doesn't he miss you?"

I consider the question and know that I should say yes. But with a lot of questions where the normal thing would be the one I should say, I am never able to actually form the words. My father does miss me, but I guess you could say that he misses the old me. I'm not that Katrina anymore. I'm a new person and my parents have yet to fully understand or want to know who I am now. Hinata shifts next to me and I know that I have to answer.

"I suppose they would but they don't have time to see me. They're busy with their lives," I tell the boy. Hinata shifts his body and turns to look at me. I stare into his eyes and they stare back with an intensity that is incomprehensible. Then the words that he says surprises me more than anything in the world.

"Aren't you part of their lives?"

I stare into his eyes and they are hauntingly clear. They remind me so much like my father's and I close my eyes to stop reliving the pain of today. I turn to the ceiling and Hinata grabs my hand under the covers. I shake my head a bit as I bite my lip. My answer to his question is no. No, I am not part of their lives. Not anymore. I used to be when I normal and they were just parents of a volleyball star. The most they could ever handle was my fame. Now I'm just infamous.

"I don't know," I lie to Hinata.

The boy clutches my hand tighter and I bend my head to sit closer to his on the pillow. Our heads touch and I nuzzle my head of hair into his. For a moment we are silent and my life collapses around us. The night is too strong and we are too weak in the moment. I wish that I could disappear and that everything would go back to the way it was. My life which had seemed so perfect not long ago is slowly falling apart.

"Everything will be okay," Hinata reassures me and I nod, messing up our hair and intertwining the strands.

We are connected as much as we are connected to the rest of the team. But there is always the stark truth that I haven't told them everything about me and they know this. The team may not push me to tell them but at the same time, they know that I'm hiding things from them. I'm hiding from them before they could push me away forever. And they'll push me away just like Aone will.

To think that I could talk to him about how to do his sister's hair and be so happy with him, when I should be detaching myself. It would be better to start to not feel anything for him and not feel anything with him. It feels like so long ago that I thought Aone was worth the break, but now that we're closer to this hurt than ever, I can't stand to think I could survive. For moments, I thought that he might be different but I just lied to myself.

My life is falling apart all because I wanted to live in the first place. Damn my need for people. Damn my emotions for wanting love. Damn my brain for fooling me that this wouldn't hurt as much as it does. We're getting closer to the date that could have ended everything-my death would have prevented this pain.

On the other hand, my death would have prevented this joy. Can I really be happy with these days for the rest of my life? I suppose I could. I know i'm going to have to. Being alone isn't so bad when you have these memories to look back on. I mean, these days have been the happiest of my life-maybe even happier than the days when I was champion of the world and victor of my mind.

"Hinata," I whisper softly, the boy quiet as he listens. "Do you think that a person can survive with just memories?"

The boy doesn't answer and for a moment, I feel scared that he doesn't understand the question. I wait and there is only the continuing silence. The boy doesn't squeeze my hand and I open my eyes to look the other body in my bed. This is when the soft snores exit his mouth and enter into the air. I smile softly as I untangle my hand from his. The boy snorts and I hold in the soft laughter.

Then his arms go out to me and I try to shrink away from his possession. It doesn't work and he captures me. His arms snake around me and I feel so hot with his body holding mine. Though the contact feels nice and I relish in his grip. I put my arms around him and pull him close. His head sits on my shoulder and he snores against me. My head goes above his and I rest on my chin on his orange locks. This feels nice.

When was the last time we slept with someone, my voice asks. I think about it and know that it was before everything bad that happened. Maybe it was that time when we were nine and we had the flu. My mom stayed with us for a while but she didn't sleep in the bed with us. Dad did sleep in the bed that time we had the nightmare about dandelions smothering us when we were at the playground. When was that? I was six? Seven?

It was so long ago. It feels like a completely different lifetime and I know that it might as well be a whole different time. Maybe this is worth the break. This is all worth going into hell and staying in the fiery pit for the rest of eternity. Just for these small moments and those moments where I laugh at a boy who calls me for help with his sister's hair. Or maybe this should have never happened. God, does this feel nice though.

So that night, I slept in the same position with Hinata in my arms like a child. In the morning, before everyone had awoken and late enough to see the sun peeking through the open curtain, I crawled out of bed and left Hinata with a cocoon of blankets. My mind was still debating whether I should really be afraid of what was to come or to just accept our imminent emotional death.

One thing my mind did have for certain: life was just not fair.

* * *

 **Only a week between updates but a shorter chapter. Spoilers for next chapter: we are going to tell Aone. Well, Katrina is going to tell him but I'm going to write it and y'all are gonna read it. I can't decide what I want him to do. Should I take the real world view and break her heart? Should I take the nice route and keep her alive but only by a red thread? Or should I make them so happy? I don't know. I'm just winging it right now.**

 **Thank you for all the comments! You guys make me so happy with all the positive reviews! I'm glad you're liking it so far! And I don't know but doesn't everyone spell yah like yah? Or is it just me? I'm from California, so I don't know better. I'm sorry!**

 **What I hear at work: Do your homework in the car; do your homework on Sunday; don't care about your homework; quit school; die. - a conversation I just heard from the desk at work. Lol, that's how I feel with finals.**

 **So as always, follow, fave, review, obsess. I loves yous guys!**

 **Thanks for making it this far.**


	19. My Selfishness

**Chapter Nineteen: My Selfishness**

* * *

" **Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live."**

― **Oscar Wilde**

" **Betrayal is an ironic thing. He or she betrays you then you betray yourself. You think you're showing strength with your anger, but in reality you're showing how much you still care."**

― **Shannon L. Alder**

" **There seemed to be three choices: to give up trying to love anyone, to stop being selfish, or to learn to love a person while continuing to be selfish."**

― **Lydia Davis**

* * *

"So, are you going to talk this appointment or are you going to ignore me completely?" my therapist asks in a dull voice.

I stare at my hands that rest on my lap. I sit on the chaise with my legs crossed, turned away from the doctor. I've been antsy since I entered her office. It's not her fault. It's that I'm worried about what I'm going to tell Aone. Today is reckoning. When I see the boy, I'm going to have to address what I had promised him. But the truth is, I can't lose the boy yet. Not before the anniversary and my impending break.

"Not completely," I reply cheekily as I jump off the chaise.

I can't stay sitting. I have to do something to distract myself. The woman watches me as I travel to the small window behind her desk. Beyond the portal I see a world of metal and glass. Huge business buildings loom in the distance and the image of what is close to where I stand is skewed by rain. The drops are somewhat soothing but at the same time, it makes me nervous. Then I notice my reflection—the reflection of someone too broken to be put together by themselves—and I close my eyes.

"Well are you going to let me advise you or are you going to do everything on your own?"

Opening my eyes, the other Katrina is gone. It makes me relieved but I know that she is always there. I put my hand against the cool glass and find that it fogs with my heat. If I get advice from this woman, she's only going to try to analyze my life. She cannot tell me what to do with Aone. If she does and my life goes to hell, I have someone to blame for his actions. I will always wonder if I had done the right thing or if I made some mistake.

"No, you are not going to advise me. I am going to do this on my own," I proclaim as I turn away from the window.

My pacing begins and I look at the woman's desk. Her eyes follow me behind her glasses. As I toy with her pen holder I notice her bangs need to be cut. I grab my own hair and bring my ponytail forward. Aone needs to be taught how to braid hair. I have to make sure that his sister will have someone to do her hair when their mom isn't there. Today I have to teach him to do this little thing. I smile as I try to keep myself from crying. God I'm terrified.

"You don't have to do everything alone you know," my therapist says in a bored tone. I look at the woman and shake my head. She looks at me blankly. "You aren't selfish for asking for help."

"Yah yah," I say mockingly to the woman. I put my hair back and then go to grab my bag. The woman let me waste my entire session on brooding. I look at her as I swing my bag to rest on my hip. "Thanks anyway though."

The woman's eyes widen and then she looks down. I can feel my smile is wide and bright. Her hand waves at me and I giggle as I see her red ears. She waves at me harder as she hides her face. I smile harder as I leave the woman's office. My feet carry me out of the building and I stop under the patio. The rain is pelting in front of me and people walk with their umbrellas. My stupid self doesn't have an umbrella though.

So I put the hood over my head and thank god that I remembered a jacket. Quickly getting over the shock of the water as I step out, I run to the bakery. It is too cold to feel like it's almost summer and I breathe in the cool air. Goes to say, I got to the bakery in record time. People step out of my way as I shake my body and expel the droplets. The girl at the counter is laughing at me and I stick my tongue out at her. She wears her normal jeans and black t-shirt; her black hair is tied back and her eyes are lined with black liner. She likes black.

"No umbrella?" she asks as I approach the counter. I look at the selection of pastries in the window and shrug.

"I was in a rush this morning," I tell the girl and she just shakes her head with a large smile. The girl takes out a bag from behind the counter. I find a cinnamon roll in the corner of a cooking sheet and point to it. "Can I get that roll too?"

"Oh for your boyfriend? Is it a special occasion?" the girl teases. I roll my eyes but maintain my smile.

"Number one, he's not my boyfriend. Number two, today **is** actually special," I tell her—but there is a lack of enthusiasm with number two. Today is special because it's my last day with him. The girl catches my tone and gives me a reassuring smile as she bags my new order.

"Well you guys are really cute together and I know he likes you," she tells me with a positive tone. Rolling my eyes a second time, she laughs as she rings me up. "No, I'm being serious."

"We aren't going to date," I tell her as I give her my card. She swipes my credit card and then gives me a devilish smile. I raise an eyebrow at her sneaky look.

"Well you wouldn't mind if I asked him out next time he comes in. You can introduce us," she pries and I blink to comprehend her words.

My blood gets hot but not in embarrassment. Instead I have the inexplicable urge to reach over the counter and pull her hair. As I try to ignore the feeling, I attempt to mask my facial expression. It doesn't work and the girl starts to laugh as I glare bloody murder. I can't picture Aone with her. She doesn't even appreciate him. He is so much more than what he appears and I doubt the girl could ever discover his nuances and gestures. My face doesn't change and she only laughs harder as she bags everything.

"What?" I hiss and the girl finally stops her bellows. She hands me my pastries and I place them in my bag. Then she hands me my card and I take it slightly angry with her teasing me.

"You really like him, so ask him out. He's not going to reject you, just trust me," she urges and I continue glaring. She gives me a soft smile and I feel my rage dissipate. "And I promise not to make a move on him."

"Thank you," I grumble and now she laughs again.

"Just trust me. He likes you as much as you like him," she says in a cryptic tone—I mean, I don't like Aone. Well, my voice chimes in with a doubtful tone in my head. I push everything down to keep myself from going insane.

I sigh as I leave the building and enter into the raging storm. It takes forever for the bus to show up and I tap my foot in the rain. The ride was quicker than usual and the station was almost deserted. People were mostly inside and I went quickly to Satan machine. The bastard was actually working in the rain and I was starting to get soaked. I quickly went through the options I normally do when I noticed that the rain stopped.

Smiling at the machine, I was relieved that the rain which had been so heavy a second ago, let up. But this realization was a little false. I learned I was actually standing under an umbrella as I turn to get my card. Aone holds the umbrella for me and I felt oddly touched. My heart started to beat faster with happiness at seeing the boy but I got worried with the rain. Because the boy was so tall and I was so short, he held the umbrella away from himself and was getting hit with some of the drops from the sky.

"Get under the umbrella," I instruct the boy but he shakes his head. I look at his shoulder which is getting more and more wet and feel more and more worried. Grabbing his free hand, I pull him closer to me. "Please. We both fit and I don't want you to get sick."

The boy sighs but I keep pulling him to me. He finally relents and holds the umbrella for both of us, his large body standing right behind mine. I can feel his chest on my back and he breathes in deeply. But I am glad he's so warm because with the rain soaking my jacket, I was starting to freeze. Quickly paying for my ticket, Aone reaches over my shoulder to purchase his. His arm rests partially on my shoulder and his face is pulling forward on my other shoulder.

I look to the right and the boy's face is so close to mine. With the erratic thought that I could kiss him he was so close, I turn red and burning. My face is so hot it is melting the water on my face. I turn back around as I distract myself with watching the boy's large hands. They work through the options and he is done purchasing his ticket too soon. I might have been embarrassed but I didn't really mind him so close to me. He's not going to be close after today, my voice says frankly, so we might as well make this the best time for us.

Aone grunts and I wake up to find that I've been standing still for too long. The boy grabs my hand in his and begins to pull me along. We're still standing close together under the umbrella and I feel like this is a solemn reminder that we have to part. I got too close to someone and they're going to realize they're going to get burned. Though when Aone holds my hand, I could believe that everything will stay the same. I bite the inside of my cheek as we get inside the station.

The umbrella is gone and so is the rain but Aone's hand remains. I finally take notice of how his hand engulfs mine. My hand is so small and my fingers barely show as they curl his hand from his palm. His fingers are so long they almost meet his own hand. Our hands are so different but when we stop to wait for the train and I look to my companion, he doesn't seem to mind the difference. I smile as I begin to hope that maybe my pessimistic nature is wrong.

The train comes and we get on, taking our regular seats. As the train begins to move, I slip my hand out of Aone's to take my wet jacket off. The boy watches me as I pull the wet cloth off of my body. There is a slight shiver that comes to my body as my white shirt hits the air. The water sunk through and now my shirt and vest are slightly wet. My hair miraculously is dry and I put my jacket to hang on the seat next to Aone to dry.

I rub my arms as I sit back down and grab our breakfast. I pull out our regular brownies and hand the bag to the boy. He takes it but at the same time, our hands touch and I know he felt my stone cold skin. As I begin to eat, I catch Aone staring at me in worry. I give him a curious look and the boy puts the bag of pastries down as he takes off his blazer. My eyes widen and I shake my head rapidly. He is not going to give me his blazer.

"Katrina," Aone whines and I stiffen with my name. He says it so differently from everyone else. When he says it, it makes my heart clench to hear more. I won't hear him say my name much more. I think I'll learn to hate my name after he leaves. It will never sound that good. I get lost again and in my analysis, the boy has placed his blazer on my back.

"You're going to get cold. I'll be fine," I tell him as I try to take off the jacket.

He gives me a glare and I just give a helpless look at the angry expression. He doesn't budge and I pout as I put my arms through the jacket. My small body swims in the cloth and I pull back the sleeves just to finish my brownie. Aone looks at me with the look that says, 'I don't care how much you whine, you're doing what I tell you'. I hate how I actually listen to the look though.

We go back to our practiced actions and worry settles into me. I have to tell him. But what if I ask to tell him while we're not on a train. It could buy myself one more day with the boy. Or is that too selfish of me? It could be selfish but that's what I'm going to do. I'm just going to ask for one more day. We're quiet as I think up a plan to squeeze out one more day and delay the inevitable.

A hand pulls the sleeve of a green blazer and I turn to find Aone pointing to his tie. I smile but the pit in stomach remains. Aone must see this worry because he frowns slightly. I get up and stand before the boy. My hands go to his neck and his go to my waist. The familiar actions have such a foreign ring to it when I think about this repetition stopping completely. My hands don't shake but they're unsteady until the task is completed. I stand still in front of Aone when he finally squeezes me to get me to look in his eyes.

"What's wrong?" he asks softly and I inhale sharply.

I bite my lip as I stare at his eyes. The color is so rich and the orbs hold so much expression which people always seem to miss. The boy is sensitive but people never see him as that. I place my hand at his cheek as I hold back tears. Aone's eyes turn panicked but I move the hand to fix his light hair. I smooth it down while I love how soft his locks are.

"I'm supposed to tell you everything today, but I don't really want to," I tell Aone in a whisper. His eyes search my face in worry and I run my thumb on where an eyebrow would sit on his face. I smile and then recall one of our first words. "You remember when we first met and I asked you if you shaved them off?"

"Yah," he breathes out as a small smile graces his lips. I laugh a little bit as I recall my stupidity.

"I remember I was so nervous because you were just some amazing guy who wanted to help little old me. I could never understand why you stopped just to help me," I murmur but Aone pulls me closer. My legs bump into his knees and I finally take the plunge. "I swear I'll tell you everything but not today. Give me one more day."

Aone nods and I lean forward. My arms wrap around his neck as his arms curl around my waist. He's so warm and I know he feels my fear. He holds me closer as I bury my face in his neck. Just one more day is all I need. I may be lying to myself but as the boy holds me, I have the hope he'll stay. He holds me so close and I have the thought he'll be different. As I let him go, my hope grows as he doesn't release me completely.

My arms let him go but his hand grabs mine. I move back to my seat and plop down still connected to the boy. I breathe in and then exhale my fear. Aone is still here. I still have one more day. Everything will be fine. He won't leave. My free hand grabs my ponytail and I realize I still need to teach Aone how to braid. I look at him and give a bright smile. His smile attacks me in return and I bring my hair forward.

"You wanna learn how to braid hair?" I ask excitedly.

Aone smiles at me but his eyes are saying something different. I stare at him as he just keeps holding me in his gaze. My heart feels like it is jumping out of my chest and my cheeks warm. I feel so nervous all of a sudden and unknowingly I clutch the boy's hand tighter. He smiles a little larger and I feel so light and warm even though I'm drenched and cold. He nods and I snap out of staring at him as I blush more.

"Okay," I say shakily as I pull my hair out of the rubber band.

Aone releases my hand and I put both of my hands into my locks. As I part it into three different sections, I notice the people on the train watching us. They seem to be smiling like they're watching some classic movie. They probably think we're a cheaper and less popular version of The Notebook or something. The people seem to be happy about watching us though. I guess they must see that we really are happy when we are together. I really enjoy being with the boy and he makes me happy.

"Alright," I break my thoughts that are too dangerous right now. I look at Aone with a smile and he's looking at me with a stern look. He's really concentrating. This must be how he looks when he's learning. Taking the three sections, I rest one at my back and the other two over each shoulder. I take the right part and then grab the middle. "You're going to take the side and pull it over the middle. As you're doing that, pull the middle to the right and the side becomes the new middle. Get it?"

The boy grunts after a moment of watching my hands. I rest the new right section over my shoulder and then move on and do the same with the left side coming over the middle. I rest the new left section over my shoulder and put the newest middle down my back. Aone is silent and I give a look at him over my shoulder. He's staring at my hair in concentration and I can see that his frown is large. He must not really understand yet.

"You keep doing that and it just repeats," I tell him. I continue with the braiding and slowly form the beginning of a braid in my long hair. For four or five twists, I look back at the boy and he just scrunches his brow in confusion. Figuring it might be better for him to learn hands-on, I grab his hand after I lay the three parts in their respective places. "You should try it. I know you need the practice."

The boy tries to shake his head but it's my turn to give a firm glare. He gets the 'you're doing whatever I'm telling you to do' look and pouts with his scowl. It actually is adorable and I have to keep the blush from working its way to my ears. As I turn back to look forward, I feel the boy's hands on my back. He rests them on his blazer and then grabs the right part of my hair. He holds it so tentatively in his hand that I could believe it was just the wind going through my hair. He pulls the right over the middle and I feel the middle come to my right side. He does the same with the left and slowly, I can feel him go faster. After a couple of minutes, the boy stops and I realize that he's finished.

"Does it look nice?" I ask him and there is a noise that is something between a hysterical breath and scared grunt. I giggle at the noise as I put my hand up for my hair. The boy gives me the braid and I find that it's not as bad as I thought, but some parts are better than others. I put the rubber band on it regardless of what it looks like though. Aone grabs my hands that are still in my hair and I turn. He shakes his head but I shrug.

"It doesn't look bad. You didn't do a terrible job," I tell him.

He gives a small smirk and I blush heavily. He doesn't believe me. I mean, I don't mind it looking bad because he was the one that did it for me. I suddenly get the idea of what I could do with a bad braid. I shake off the boy's hands and pull my hair up as I place it in a bun. When I get done with it, I stick a pen I have sitting on the outside pocket of my bag through my hair.

Aone seems surprised that I kept his work even though it wasn't the best. It's something like a mom that keeps a kid's painting even though we all know it is ugly as hell but it was special because their kid did it. I'm just happy that Aone is still with me. Isn't that enough to not destroy what has been done.

I sit back in my regular position and Aone hands me the pastry bag. I take out a brownie and munch happily. Today seems to have turned out really nice. I mean, I was expecting to be on the floor comatose from my own emotions, but here I am. And right next to me is Aone, so what more could I ask for? Well, the certainty that he would stay would be nice, but that may be stretching our luck.

As we finish our breakfast, the time passes and it is almost time for Aone to get off the train. I build myself up to make our break certain as I decide a date. Aone sits next to me and I peek at him to gauge his emotions. He seems a bit worried but he sits with his arms crossed over his chest. I look at his white shirt and find that it's thick material. He must be cold. I should give him his blazer.

A voice announces that the next stop is Tajiri station. Looking into my bag, I take out the bagged cinnamon roll and place it in the blazer pocket. It sits nicely and I know that it's going to be a nice surprise for Aone. I stand up as I take off the blazer that has made me so warm. My blouse is already dry but as I hand Aone his blazer, he shakes his head. He pushes it to me but I give him a smile. He can't leave me with his jacket.

"I'm dry. You need it so you don't get sick. You have to play and I doubt your team would appreciate it if you gave your jacket to some girl," I tease him. The boy shakes his head but I am adamant in my worry. The boy finally stands and takes his jacket. He puts it on as the station is closer than ever.

"You're not just some girl," Aone mutters a little angrily. I stiffen with his words and even he understands the connotation of the phrase. We both blush an ugly shade of red and turn away. Pushing past my embarrassment moments later, I look at his tie and straighten it a bit. Aone squats a little and I fix his blazer collar.

"I have to be at practice on Saturday but we end at five. Do you want to talk then?" I ask the boy and he nods. "Do you have practice on Saturday?"

Aone puts his hand up and gestures with four fingers. He straightens and stands at full height as he looks down at me. So he ends practice at four. I fix the front of his blazer as I think about what we could work out. Aone must sense my mind and he points to me. He must want to meet me at the gym. I raise a brow and he nods. Our actions seem so small that people would never know we're communicating.

"Okay. I'll text you the address and we'll meet at the gym around five then. Is that okay?" I ask just to solidify our plans. Aone nods and I smile up at him. The train is stopping and I can see the panic in his eyes. He must not have thought we were this close to parting. I rest my hands on his chest and feel his heart pound. My own heart pounds in my chest and I look up with a grateful smile. "Have a good day at school. Keep out of the rain and I'll see you in a couple of days."

"You too," he replies deeply. I nod one more time and the doors to the train open. Memorize this moment Katrina. It's the last moment of happiness you'll have for a long time. Aone stands perfectly still and his eyes are full of life. He's so hopeful but he is so innocent at the same time. I can't hurt him and drag him down. He deserves the best life he could ever get and I'm not sure that life has me as a prime character. I have to let him go.

I step back and Aone steps away from me also. He passes me but his hand trails down my arm and holds mine for a moment. I hold onto him as he moves past me and feel the tears come to my eyes. Our outstretched arms are connected by my shaking hand that refuses to release. Aone hesitates but I inhale sharply as I push his hand away. He takes three steps and is off the train, doors closing behind him.

He turns around and I bite the inside of my cheek as I put on a smile. The boy stares at me as tears threaten to overflow. In a dramatic fashion, I put my hand to the glass and wish that I didn't let go. I wish that he didn't leave me when I'm so scared that he won't come back. The train moves away as I see Aone take steps to keep up. I want him to catch up, stop the train, for me to jump off, for the train to break down. I want to do anything to stay with him.

But nothing like that happens and as I ride the train, I just feel selfish for wanting him so badly.

* * *

"You guys need to dive harder," I announce as I watch the boys do their diving drills. I get fed up with the taller players not going as far as I want and I march to the center of the gym. "Watch me. I know you guys may not like to dive but come here and try this one so I could see if you like it better."

"Katrina, diving hurts," Kinnoshita whines and I give him a reprimanding look.

The boys all come closer to me and I can see that they're extremely tired. We've been working them harder and harder. Saturdays are always the worst because we start practice at noon and go for almost five hours straight. In addition, diving does hurt. They have been trained on the full flying diving form. I was always taught the rolling rather than the flying technique—my coaches always wanting to keep me in pristine condition and not injured in any way. I think it was precisely because it hurt to always dive fully and if you were bad at it, you got hurt. But as a libero, you get over all that really quick.

"This is more of roll than a dive but you guys should really know both. This is more of an option when the ball is to your side," I proclaim to the boys.

They nod and I can see Noya is grinning like a fool. I gesture for him to come next to me and then I look at Ukai. The man has a ball in his hands and is smirking. He wants to hit it hard. I'm fine with that because I haven't really played with the boys in a long time. Noya pats my shoulder in encouragement and Tanaka pats the other shoulder with equal enthusiasm. Even though I wear jeans without kneepads, I do have court shoes, so I know I'll be able to really get this ball.

I step forward and Ukai raises his arm. I am in position in a second and the man spikes it hard to the left. He knows I hate diving to the left. The ball is flying in the air and it feels like everything is going in slow motion. I'm suddenly diving to the floor with my left leg bent under me. My arms stretch out under my long sleeve shirt and my hand makes a fist. I make contact with the ball and push it up.

The ball rises in the air and goes to Ukai. I smile as my body instinctually rolls to left over my body. Jumping up, I quickly center myself and I'm back in position. Ukai has his arm pulled back ready for another spike, this time to the right. I jump towards the right, this time with my right leg bent under me. I fist the ball up to Ukai and roll to my right. I get slight court burn on my hip as my shirt rose in the roll.

When I get centered again, Ukai doesn't give me moment to fix myself and spikes it to the center. I glare slightly as he makes me do the fully flying dive. I jump forward as I keep my chin up and put my hands together. My hands hit the ball as I finish the example. My arms quickly go to my side and I brace myself for impact as my chest takes most of the hit. I lay for a moment on the wood and just breathe in the old actions. I missed volleyball so much.

"Katrina, you're so awesome! You were all like gwoosh and then you were like gaaaahh," Hinata remarks as I drop my head to the floor. I'm still a little out of shape because I don't practice every day with the boys. Daichi is suddenly above me and he puts his arm out. I take it from his elbow and he pulls me up. Suga is at my side and I know he's already worried about my hip burn. I wave his concerned look away and he gives me a stern look. He's going to have Kiyoko check it.

I'm sleeping over at Kiyoko's house today. It was what I had promised the girl and she was extremely excited. Well, excited as Kiyoko would show the boys and me. I was happy that it made her happy but I was also thankful for her. I was thankful because today would be day I tell Aone everything and I don't think I could handle being alone. I mean, what am I supposed to do when I get home after he leaves me? I might do something terrible.

"You need to teach me how to do that," Yamaguchi tells me as he comes forward. The boy has a smile on his face and I look at Tsukki who is never far behind his friend.

"Of course," I reply to Yamaguchi and then I point to Tsukki and whirl around to point at Asahi. "You two need to really work on diving. You are so tall that you should be getting the furthest of all of us. But you don't and it's because you're scared of the floor."

"It isn't easy Katrina. I can never tell where the ball is going to be without looking at the spiker's hand and I'm always too late," Asahi complains and I give the tall boy a gentle look. He can't handle a harsh treatment and responds better to positive reinforcement.

"Well it's good to anticipate the ball's movements but you should try watching their forearm. I know there might be times that it doesn't work but if you watch the forearm more than the hand, you'll anticipate faster," I tell him and he nods with a sure look now. See what positive reinforcement can do, my voice mutters. I turn to Tsukki. He's normally not good with positive reinforcement and needs a strong hand to guide him. "You need to just put in the effort. I know you know where the ball is going, you're just a little lazy."

"I am not," Tsukki back talks and I give him a raised brow. He only frowns at me and I nod as I turn away. I gesture for the boys to go out and they move onto the court.

"Remember it's the leg on the side you're diving that is bent," I remind and they start their drills. Ukai comes to me and we walk to the sidelines.

"You should have taught them this earlier," he says in a yawn. I glare slightly and he backs off. He decided to stay even after the Nekoma game. I knew he would once I saw him interact with the boys. He loves the sport almost as much as the rest of us and for him to leave us hanging, it would really bother him. It wouldn't break him; Ukai can't be broken that easily, but he would definitely regret his decision.

Speaking about regretting our decisions, it is safe to say that I regret ever promising to tell Aone anything. I mean, I've been distracting myself the entire day with the boys, but it's ten to five and the inevitable is coming up. I was beginning to hope with the last few hours that maybe it wouldn't be like what I thought it would be. But who I am to say that he'll stay? From my experience, the norm is for them to leave.

My team abandoned me. My coach abandoned me. My parents have ostracized me. Why shouldn't a boy who I met only a couple months ago leave me? Besides, I don't know if I want him to stay. On one hand, I wanted him to stay, to hold my hand, to ask me to help him with things, but on the other hand, I knew life would be hard with me if we got any closer and I knew that he deserved so much better.

"Katrina," Kiyoko calls softly from my left. I look at the girl and she has my bag in her hands. Walking to her, I can see that she is wondering what is going to happen tonight. I am staying over but at the same time, there's still Aone. Looking at the girl, I find the unspoken question but can't understand her fully. "Do you want to take your bag with you or do you want me to take it home?"

"I guess you could take my big bag home with you and I would keep my satchel," I tell her but suddenly add, "If you want to. I don't want to inconvenience you."

"That's fine. I'm just worried about you going with this boy," she whispers and I know that she's worried. She's never met Aone and from Hinata's noisy descriptions and Tsukki's low blow comments, her image of him is likely very bad. I shake my head and feel like I shouldn't say anything but my mouth doesn't listen.

"Aone and I will be fine. We'll only be gone for a couple of hours," I tell her. She nods and I feel triumphant with convincing her Aone is a good guy. Though when someone opens their mouth behind me, I know she agreed because I was going to get the third degree.

"Where are you going?" Daichi asks sternly and I gulp. Turning around, I find the scary face of our captain. He looks down at me with a confused and angry scowl while the rest of the boys have as usual, joined us.

"I am going out," I tell him with a hesitant voice. Suga looks at me worried and Ennoshita matches his expression with a slight frown. Hinata and the rowdy second years are looking at me curiously and Tsukki is just smirking like a little shit. Yamaguchi seems interested but he also seems concerned, his face next to a nervous Asahi. Kageyama, per usual, is confused.

"Going out where?" the boy asks. I put my hands behind my back and consider telling them some lie. It won't get through though. We all know it.

"I am going to town," I feed a little more information. I'm saved from more questions as my phone beeps in my satchel. Kiyoko hands me my bag and I rummage in it for my phone. Opening the cell up, I find it's a text message from Aone.

 **I'm here but I can't find the gym. Where is it exactly?**

I smile a little too much to keep my innocence and Tanaka swipes my phone from my hand. I go at the boy to get it back and this leads into him hiding behind Nishinoya. I push the small boy aside and race after Tanaka. I don't get much further in my chase because Asahi picks me up. I flail in his arms and I pray to god nothing bad happens. My eyes widen as the boy takes it and reads the text message out loud. I'm totally screwed.

"Wait, your boyfriend is here?" Tsukki teases and I glare as I flail more. Asahi refuses to put me down and pout as I stop trying to escape.

"We've gone over this," I moan as I am turned to Daichi.

"I think we should meet this boy," the third year proclaims and Suga nods with him. Going cold, I blanch and shake my head. "No young lady, we are going to see just who this boy is exactly. It's not safe for you to be out there alone and no one know just who you're with."

"But Daichi, the other first years have met him. You don't have to make this a big deal," I argue and Suga comes to his captain's aid.

"Katrina, we're worried," he tells me and I cross my arms. That's a cheap shot. They always get away with the 'I'm worried' card. I should just let them be worried and not care.

"Alright then, give me my phone so I can answer," I say and Asahi finally puts me down. My feet hit the floor and I turn to Tanaka and Nishinoya. Readjusting my satchel on my hip, I pull my braid out of the strap as I wait for an answer.

"We already texted him back," they say suspiciously and I march to them. Ripping my phone back, I check what they sent Aone, only to find my messages deleted. I look back at them as they shy away and hide behind the other three second years.

"What did you tell him?" I yell a little too hysterically.

They totally screwed any chances for a future with this boy. The last nail in the coffin will be them threatening Aone. Why does this feel like when a boy picks you up to go to a dance and the girl always leaves for a moment and then the dad goes total rogue on him? I can even picture a mock speech in my head and know that Daichi just might give Aone a talk. God this is too crazy. I need to prevent this at all costs.

"Katrina, there's someone for you," Takeda announces across the gym. I look at all the boys and then start to sprint to the door. For once, I'm faster than anyone. I jump out the door and find Aone standing outside in jeans and a t-shirt. Closing the door on the boys, I know they're going to be slowed down. Aone stands and looks at me curiously. I don't get to finish my examination of him as I grab his arm.

"We have to run," I tell him and then I pull him along. The boy heeds my words and we start running. We have a three second lead and I pound my legs into the dirt as I lead Aone away from my overprotective boys.

"Katrina, you get back here right now!" Suga yells at me and I dare not look back. If I do, something bad would certainly happen. Aone catches up to me and gives me a worried look as he looks back.

"Don't look back. Keep running," I tell him as I sprint faster.

I know Hinata and Kageyama are catching up. They are always the fastest ones on the team, but I have secret weapon. Aone passes me and I look back when we're far enough away to only see our two tails. The two first years look at me and I put a thumb to my neck. I motion across like I'm cutting my neck and they both stiffen as they stop running. They know what the sign means. It means that they're doing suicides for the rest of the week and the week has just started. They fear me more than the captain and I turn back around.

Aone and I get outside of the school and I keep running just to be safe. It's not until we're at Ukai's market that I slow down. I bend over as I cough and regain my breath. Aone stands next to me and merely breathes hard. The boy puts a hand on my back and rubs gently as I cough some more. The motion helps me and I finally begin to feel normal. I stand back up and place my hands on my back. My jeans are hot and my long sleeve shirt is slightly damp with sweat.

"Why?" Aone asks and I look at him.

The boy is curious but there is a small smile that lines his lips. I smile at him and then start to walk even though my feet hurt. I still have my court shoes on. Entering into the market, I see the boy that works there when Ukai isn't at the store. He waves to me and I gesture for him to give me my extra shoes. This is normally what happens. I forget that I'm wearing my court shoes and I leave an extra pair of converse at the store. Ukai will take my shoes with him to practice the next day after I leave them here. As I put my shoes on, I look at Aone. He's still excited about running with me and I give him a bright smile.

"I didn't think the team would behave if they met you today," I tell him with a laugh. Aone smiles larger and we exit the market without speaking to the cashier—the man never wants to talk with me anyway. We walk down the street and worry settles into my stomach. I put my hands behind head and then put on a teasing tone to mask my fear. "Besides I want you just to myself today."

Aone snorts and then we both blush with my words. He doesn't say anything as we continue to walk and I can feel the impending doom descend upon me. The boy is still smiling and I hope that at the end of everything, he would still be smiling. Aone looks at me and tilts his head as a question. I give him a small smile and look forward, hands still on my head. The sunset is beautiful and the moment is too sad to be perfect.

"I'm so selfish aren't I?" I ask Aone. Silence covers us and I don't know what to say or think. It's only when Aone grabs my hand off of my head that I look at him for the answer. My hand comes down and Aone squeezes it tightly as he shakes his head. I can hear the answer in his eyes.

And the silence tells me that I'm not selfish at all.

I believe it.

* * *

 **God am I tired. Is it bad that I even had to walk away from my computer, because i got so worked up? I was going to make the pain all into one chapter but then i was like, no it seems to rushed. And then I was like, it would be so cute to develop something and I didn't have enough time. So this is it. Suggestion: listen to breakdown by Jack Johnson after the first break and just cry with me. Also, I would like to say that I understand that the normal isn't for people to be rejected, but as a person who has gone through many problems in my life, I can say it does happen. I have told probably five people about my depression in the past and only one of them has stayed and it took me until I was twenty and five years into it to find her. So yes, people do have those wonderful people who support you, but some-like myself-don't find it until we've grown used to being alone. Sorry, this was a really venty author's note.**

 **I hope you guys enjoyed this. Is this how angst is supposed to be written? Was it angsty? Was it good? Thank you so much to everyone who comments. You guys are amazing and everyone who clicks on the story is really really great too!**

 **P.S. my mom just woke up and told me to go to sleep. She says I'm staying up too late. I laughed and then uploaded this still.**

 **As always, loves yous guys and as usual, follow, fave, review, obsess.**


	20. A Book, A Note and Ben and Jerry's

**Chapter Twenty: A Book, A Note and Ben and Jerry's**

* * *

" **Isn't it odd how much fatter a book gets when you've read it several times?" Mo had said..."As if something were left between the pages every time you read it. Feelings, thoughts, sounds, smells...and then, when you look at the book again many years later, you find yourself there, too, a slightly younger self, slightly different, as if the book had preserved you like a pressed flower...both strange and familiar."**

― **Cornelia Funke, Inkspell**

" **The absence of a message sometimes is a presence of one."**

― **Hasse Jerner**

" **Number of empty Ben & Jerry's containers: 3 - two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)"**

― **Ally Carter**

* * *

I fiddled with my green long sleeve all the way to town after that. Aone was not surprisingly quiet but I was. I think it was freaking the boy out a bit with how oddly quiet I was being. I mean it was one thing for us to have the nice silence but this quiet was just downright scary. But the fact was that I couldn't stop being this quiet because I was just freaking out. So, in the end, I'm freaking out Aone because I'm freaking out internally and now I'm freaking out because he's freaking out because I caused him to freak out in the first place. Yay?

When we got to the main street that has all the shops, I find that town is actually packed. I mean, it was a Saturday. So that means as the sun was starting to set, there were groups of girls who were walking and giggling, couples walking closely, parents with young children trying to even walk and then those handful of people who were just standing around. It was too crowded and I ducked into the coffee shop to escape the people. There were some people in here too and no seats were available.

"Looks like we're going to have to find some place else," I tell Aone solemnly. The boy looks down at me and then points to the counter. His face makes a curious expression through the seriousness and I know he's asking if I want coffee. "We can get some and then find some place quiet."

Aone nods his head and I smile a bit at his happy expression. I'm going to miss this. Walking up to the empty counter, I find the boy who was hitting on me days before with my father. He isn't looking at us yet, instead turned around and talking to a girl working in the back. Aone softly pulls my shirt and I look at him to find that he's pointing at the pastries. I shrug and he points to a cookie in the window. He wants that cookie. I can feel the pit in my stomach clench but I push it further down. I am going to really miss this.

"Hi there, what can I get for you?" the boy asks as he turns around. When the guy meets my eyes, they widen and I notice he wears green contacts. He reminds me of Oikawa with how pretty he's trying to be. I scowl as he runs a hand through his hair and gives me a smirk. "Hey, I was wondering when you were coming back. I missed you."

"I didn't think about you at all," I reply bluntly and the boy puts his hands over his heart.

"You wound me. For this you must buy me dinner so I won't die of a broken heart," he says silkily and I feel Aone stiffen next to me. I reach for his black t-shirt and gently hold the end to make sure he doesn't leave me yet.

Before I can open my mouth to tell the kid to take our orders, the large boy has slapped his hand against the counter. The barista jumps and finally notices my companion. His eyes widen but in a fearful way and he takes a step back. When I turn to Aone, I find that he has a peeved face that could scare most people. His eyebrows are scrunched and his lips are in a straight line. My heart pounds as I can see him glare daggers into the boy who was hitting on me. He actually cares about who talks to me.

"You talk too much," I tell the barista in a tone that suggests I am not interested. The boy looks at me and nods as Aone straightens his back. The large boy grabs my right hand and I can't hold down the blush that enters my face. My heart pounds and I can barely get my order out. "I want a large green tea with sugar and that cookie that's sitting in the window."

"Okay," the boy replies quickly. He sets off quickly to get our items and I turn to Aone. The boy is not letting the barista escape his look and his eyes follow the boy. I start to feel guilty for making the flirty boy so scared. Quietly, I squeeze Aone's hand and the boy finally looks at me. He doesn't change his expression but that doesn't bother me.

"Do you want some coffee?" I ask him and he shakes his head. He points to me and I smile largely. "You want what I got?"

"Is that all?" the barista asks as he reappears with a paper bag in his hand. Aone nods at me and takes the bag while resuming his glare at the boy.

"We'll take one more green tea," I tell the boy and he nods.

He tells me the price and I reach into my bag with my free left hand. As I produce my card, Aone has already handed cash to the boy. I groan as I try to get the money but Aone's arm is too damn long. The boy takes the money and hands my companion his change. I pout at the boy once again sneakily paying for our food. This is my thing. Aone should get his own damn thing because this one is totally mine.

Aone can tell that I am displeased with him paying but he pulls me along nonetheless. He also releases the barista from his death glare so the boy can actually make our drinks. The silence between us finally feels natural and I look around at the others in the coffee shop. There are a few couples and then some groups of girls and adults. One girl looks over at me from her group of friends and smiles largely. I give a confused smile back and then she turns to her friends. They all look back at me and give me the thumbs up.

I scrunch my face as I try to discern what this sign actually means. The message is finally clear when Aone pulls me to get our drinks. That's right, you're still holding his hand, my voice mutters. I go red in the face but don't dare pull my hand away. It feels so nice to be with him. After giving me the cookie to put in my bag, Aone hands me my drink in the paper cup and then grabs his. We exit the shop and head down the street that has lost some people. As I take a sip of my tea, I notice the street lights have turned on and the sky has become dark.

"What do you want to do now?" I ask Aone and the boy stops us on the street. I take another sip of my tea as Aone shrugs one shoulder. His face is excited though, brown eyes wide with excitement. His mouth doesn't move from the frown but I smile large enough for the both of us. I look across the street and find the book store that I always see. I've never gone inside but it looks peaceful from the crowded street.

This time I lead us across the street and into the bookstore. It isn't as crowded as the coffee shop but there are people walking through the aisles of books. We walk slowly to the back of the store and pass a girl with large glasses. She has a nametag that says Brenda and she looks foreign. When she sees that we're looking at her put books on the shelf, she smiles and turns our way.

"Do you need help looking for anything?" she asks and I can identify her accent as American. I smile largely at her and Aone shakes his head. The girl nods and then picks up another book. "Well if you need any help, don't hesitate to ask."

"Thank you," I tell her and she nods once before she goes back to reshelving.

I look around the bookstore to find it old in the wood that is shelves. The wallpaper is a dark green with filigree and the lights are dimmer than you would expect. There are section headers and I look towards the bestsellers in expectation. I haven't read since I got my apartment. In the hospital, it was something to pass the time so I read constantly. I want to pull Aone towards the shelf but hesitate when I find him looking towards the fantasy section of the store.

He wants to see that section but when he looks down at me, he waits for me to make the choice of where to go. It would be possible for him to look at that section and for me to look at mine but that would mean I would have to let him go. My hand fits too perfectly to release his. Therefore I make the decision to widen my reading genres as I pull him towards the section he was eyeing. Aone seems grateful that I considered him and gives me a small smile.

As I find myself in front of books with covers in shades of blue and purple and black, Aone is oozing excitement. He puts his tea on a shelf and then starts fingering some books. He pulls some out to glance at the covers and then takes the ones he likes out to read the synopsis on the back. I quietly read the titles and find myself watching the boy more than looking at the books. I feel excited to see what book he will get and I notice he hesitates to put one book away. After about twenty books that he has checked the summaries and twenty minutes later, Aone looks over at me.

"Which one do you like?" I asks him in curiosity but he shakes his head. He looks away and then frowns.

"I can't buy one," he whispers and I feel my heart sink. Why can't he buy one? He obviously likes them. Is it because they're expensive? Wait, he bought us tea and probably doesn't have enough spending money for a book. I am so stupid. Aone can sense my worry and tries to pull me away from the shelves but I refuse to move.

"Which one did you like?" I ask him but he shakes his head as he peers down at me. I give him a strong look and pull him into me. Our arms are flush against each other as I look at the book case. "Which one did you like? We're not leaving until I get you a book."

The boy opens his mouth to disagree but I bite my lip hard and shake my head. Please let me make you happy. I have to make him happy today. He has to let me buy him a book. Aone can see in my eyes that we aren't going to leave and he sighs heavily. His eyes go back to the books and I can see his gaze hesitate on one book in particular. It was the one he didn't want to put back and has a green cover with a single sunflower that is illuminated by darkness. His hand goes out to the book and I smile.

"You like that one?" I ask and Aone hesitates to answer. As I squeeze his hand, he finally nods his head with a slight blush. I smile even more and then pull him to the counter in the front of the store. Brenda sees us and comes over quickly, smiling at us with a bright face.

"You guys find everything okay?" she asks and Aone nods slightly.

"Yah. We're just going to take this one," I tell her and she holds her hand out. I give her the book and she smiles at the book.

"I like this one. It's the beginning of a really good series," she tells us as she scans the book.

"Really. How many books are there?" I ask as I get my card out.

"About four I think. We might have the rest of the series in the back. Do you want me to check?" she asks and raises a brow. Aone begins to shake his head but I interrupt.

"That would be nice if you could," I tell her and Aone groans slightly. He looks down at me with a chiding look. I roll my eyes and put my card on the counter. "If we get them all then you can start the series and then pass the book down to me. I hate starting a series and then not having the next book."

"Okay, but I might need some help, they're probably on the top shelf," Brenda says sheepishly as she glances at Aone. The boy frowns but I tsk at him. Putting my empty cup of tea into the trash, I grab his out of his hand.

"Go help her. I'll wait here," I tell him and he again sighs. Though when I slip my hand out of his and he tries to look angry at me, he can't seem to find the emotion. Instead, he's giving me a soft look as his eyes light up excitedly.

"Thanks," Brenda tells me and I tilt my head.

The two start to walk away and I look at the book I'm left with. At least if Aone leaves me tonight, he'll have a small reminder of this happy time. I wish I could tell the future him that this is the happiest I've been in a while. I stare at the book and then reach out for it. It's a hard cover and I smile as I anticipate Aone reading it quietly on the train. Opening it up to the last page, I find the author's note thanking his wife. I smile and grab a pen quickly as I turn to the back of the page.

 **Dear Aone,**

 **When you read this it will be long after I've told you the truth. I hope you're still riding the train with me and I pray that you don't hate me for lying to you for so long. The truth is, I'm terrified you will hate me and that's why I waited. It's just that you made me happy. I hope I am continuing to make you happy. But if not, know that I never meant to hurt you. It's just that I could never bear to lose you. You are too important to me. I will never forget you.**

 **With all the happiness I can give,**

 **Katrina**

I close the book after I finish and rub my eyes quickly. Tears begin to well up as I expel my fear into the note. At least this note will tell the boy everything that I might not get to say tonight. As I control my emotions, the two return empty handed. Turns out they had sold the rest of the collection earlier in the day. Aone was a little disappointed but his eyes brightened with being handed the purchased book. He gives it to me so I could hold it in my bag and grabs his tea from me.

"Thank you," I tell the girl and Brenda smiles as we leave the store.

When we get into the street, Aone grabs my hand to not lose me in the crowd. He looks over the people and leads me down the street. For a second I think that he's taking us into the coffee shop but we walk past the store. As we walk down the street hand in hand, I begin to feel the fear set in. What am I going to tell him? How am I going to start? Will he even listen to the entire story?

While thinking all these things I allow Aone to guide me wherever he wants us to go. My brain is filled with useless thoughts and my stomach is starting to feel sick. I look up at the sky and concentrate on the stars. Though my eyes stray to the boy's head which is much higher than me. Aone's hair is starting to get a little long. He's going to have to cut it soon. I smile as I think about touching his hair again. It's so soft and I wonder what shampoo he uses and if it smells good.

Whoa. That's kinda gross Katrina. Don't go around wanting so smell people. That's just weird. I stare forward to keep myself from thinking weird and embarrassing thoughts when I wonder just where we're going. Aone doesn't say anything and I'm a little scared we're going to get lost because he doesn't really know the town. That and if I have to use my phone to get to Kiyoko's house, we're damn well screwed.

Aone starts to squeeze my hand tighter and I know that he's getting scared too. His face is set into a deep scowl and we turn down a street that is mostly houses. I finally see what might be our destination in the distance. It's a playground that is lighted mostly by the moon. Aone leads us straight there and then stands at the small fence before the grass. I'm surprised they actually have a fully grass playground and I step onto the lawn softly.

The grass reminds me of the soccer field at school. It's just like when I first met Hinata and Kageyama as they were passing terribly back and forth. That was almost three months ago. Time has passed and I realize that I have known Aone just as long. When I turn, Aone is watching me carefully and I can see the worry set into his brow. I want to make all the bad feelings go away but the truth is, I don't know if I can.

What if I am just a bad feeling? Will I let him go? Of course I will. But knowing Aone, he's going to feel bad if he leaves. He can't. He shouldn't. I care about him enough to know that if leaving me will make him happy, then so be it. As I pull the boy farther onto the playground, he squeezes my hand tightly. We walk to where there are stairs leading to a bridge that leads to the slide. I walk partly up the steps and turn around to face my companion. For once I am taller than him while I am on three steps.

"Before I tell you anything, you have to promise me something," I tell the boy. His eyes are wide and his lips are down turned. I bite my own lip while I try to contain my fear.

"I promise I won't leave," Aone whispers and I blink several times. He can't say that. I will never let him tell me that and promise to never leave me.

"Don't you ever say that," I whisper harshly. Aone flinches with my anger and his eyes scrunch with confusion. I put a hand to hold his chin and look directly into his eyes with slight rage. "Never promise anyone that ever again. If they really care about you, they would never make you stay if they know you might be unhappy. I don't want you to tell me that because I want you to be happy even without me. Do you understand?"

Aone nods and I feel my face soften a bit. My hand which is holding his chin goes to his forehead. For once I can see the top of his head and I brush back his bangs. He is so innocent. I wonder what he thinks is wrong with me. I wonder just how broken he suspects I am. His eyes are beautiful in the dim light and I wish I had more time to be with him. If tonight really is the last of it, I know that I am going to break so hard that I will never be put back together.

"Promise me that if you want to leave me, you will. Promise me that if I hurt you more than I make you happy, you will find happiness elsewhere. Promise me that you will be happy," I murmur strongly into the night.

They boy raises his free hand as I cup his cheek. He tilts his head and place his large hand to hide mine. He's so handsome in the moment that my heart skips a beat and my breath catches in my throat. For the first time I am happy that I chose to tell him. If I hadn't gotten the courage to tell him, I would have never seen how beautiful this expression can be. Though I do not know what emotion is firing his eyes.

"I promise," he breathes out.

I can feel the tears come to my eyes as I paint my memory with the deep brown of his eyes. For a moment I act on impulse and do what feels right. My body moves on it's own as I lean towards Aone. The boy dares not move and I curl my fingers around the hand on his cheek. I close my eyes as a single tear falls and my lips make contact with his forehead. I hold my soft skin to his warm forehead as I freeze the moment for forever.

But forever doesn't exist for me and I lean back. Before Aone can see the fear hiding behind my eyes, I turn and pull him by the hand I never released when we walked here. The boy seems to be in shock but after a heartbeat, he follows after me. I walk on the bridge and look to the sky to see the moon. I decide that the rock will be the one witness to my broken heart. Softly, I pull Aone as I sit and swing my legs over the bridge. I hang on the bar that is for safety and feel the boy join me.

I close my eyes tightly as I will the tears to stop. My bag slumps next to me and I busy myself with taking the strap off and placing the bag to the side. How are we starting this? Do we start with Switzerland or do we start when we were little? Maybe I can build more courage if we start at the very beginning.

Aone reaches for my hand but I look at him pleadingly. If he holds me while I tell him this, I will never let him go. The boy must see this in my eyes and he puts his hand close to mine but not touching. He's trying to tell me that he's here but I have to be the one to request him. I give a soft smile though I feel my stomach turn within me. I have to spit out words before I just start crying like a baby.

"My parents do a lot of international business," I start out. I turn towards the darkened street and take a deep breath. We must do this. No going back. "I was left at home alone a lot of the times except for the babysitters my parents got for me. They were nice but they were never my parents. As I grew, I started to hate how quiet it was. I hated the silence in that empty house.

But one day, I learned that if I did a sport, I could stay out later and not go home. So I joined a volleyball club when I was seven. It was great. My parents flew home for my first practice; they were there for my first game; they tried to make it home for tournaments. They were still gone a lot, but I had something to do. I started to become really dedicated so, I practiced a lot. It was great really."

I look at the boy for a moment and he's looking out to the street. He's trying to not make me nervous. I smile as my lip trembles. My scars begin to itch and my head begins to hurt. The voices try to rise up but I push them down with every fragment of my sanity. For once, I'm strong enough and I turn to the sky as I continue.

"So I got really good. Soon enough I was getting most valuable players awards and my parents sent me to camps in different countries that were for elite players. I would sometimes get bumped up in the age division because I was too good. It wasn't until the summer before my eighth grade year that I went international. My club went to nationals and soon enough, Katrina Hitz was declared Germany's best libero.

I went to America the following school year to get away for a while. When I came back, I decided that for high school, I would go somewhere I could play internationally. One school was a boarding school in Switzerland with an up and coming coach. He's the crazy one from a couple of months ago. His name is Gilbert Messer. He's not really important now but what happened in Switzerland is the problem."

I have to pause again to jump over this next mental hurdle. The moon is staring at me and I feel as if it's saying I should go on. But when I look at my hands on my lap, they're shaking. I've started to sweat a bit in the warmer air and I swallow hard. I put my arms around me, pushing them into my body hard. There's no stopping now. There can't be any more lies.

"The summer before the school year, we had practices, so of course I went. Most of the girls were local and I was alone in the freshman dormitory wing. I was actually the only freshman on the team. Everyone was happy to have me on their team. I was happy.

And then I started to hear the voices. At first they started out with just minor things. They would tell me weird stuff in yells or they would just whisper incoherently. The voices got worse though. They got worse and I started to not be able to play as well as I should have. Gilbert got mad, he used to hit me and I used to not care because the voices began telling me terrible things."

The tears have finally come up. They roll down my cheeks and blur my vision of the potholed moon. Aone next to me wants to look at me but I don't grab for his hand. I can't yet. The tears start to become fatter as they fall off my chin and onto my jeans. I breathe in sharply and attempt to keep my voice steady. It breaks for a moment before I force myself to start again.

"They told me people were watching me. I became paranoid. They made it hard for me to even do my school work let alone play. I got worse and worse at volleyball. No one knew what happened to me and I didn't tell anyone what was going on. The voices told me not to and I was scared to go home for winter break. I stayed in the dorm and then the voices started to tell me the worst thing.

They yelled at me and I couldn't think. I just wanted silence. In some convoluted night, I found that if I hurt myself, the voices, they stopped. It was the worst thing I could do but they stopped. I could hear myself think. It wasn't for long though. The voices began to tell me to hurt myself more and more and more. I hid my scars from everyone. I bandaged my arms for practice and no one knew for months."

I shake and my body begins to convulse as I hold in the sobs. In a moment of weakness, I grab Aone's hand. In fear I expect him to pull away but he doesn't. Instead he intertwines our fingers and I gasp. He finally looks at me and his face is alarmed. He brings his legs up and sits facing me. He pulls my hand to him and I shake my head softly. Aone with the tears looks like a shadow and I almost could believe he wasn't actually here but my mind made up everything. You have to finish, my voice reminds me and I suck in air through my nose.

"I hurt myself so much. When spring came, we were going to have a tournament. They weren't going to let me go. I was useless to them. But the girl who replaced me got hurt, so I had to play. They put me in and I wasn't half of what I was. My coach got angry at me during a time out. He almost hit me but instead, he took off the bandages. They saw my scars and started to laugh at me. They thought I was a freak, a monster.

I ran back to the dorms. My mind was so filled up and I had to stop everything. The voices wouldn't go down and I was just so, so, I don't even know the word to describe it. It was like I was in a tunnel that I had been running for so long in the dark, hitting myself on walls and hearing nothing but echoes. There was no light at the end. So I decided that if I couldn't get the voices to stop, I would stop thinking all together. I tried to kill myself that day."

The words fall out so quickly that I could believe the moon had said them. Aone's eyes widen as I take my hand back and I bring my legs up. I sit facing him as I cross my legs. He's going to leave me now. He's never coming back. I'm a freak. Voices come up and I cry harder if that was even possible. My shaking hand pulls at my sleeve and I pull it up. Doing the same with the other one, I stare at Aone as he turns to my arms.

"I hate them so much. I'm an ugly monster. Sometimes I wonder if I should have really died. But I didn't and they put me in a psychiatric hospital. They confirmed that I had paranoid schizophrenia. I got on medication and I got better. I was sent home and my parents believed it was their fault. I was in two more hospitals before I came here to participate in a new drug trial. That's why I go to the hospital. I have to see a therapist during my time away from the clinic. That's how I met you."

Aone stares at my arms and I am ready for him to get up and walk away. Never before have I said this many words about myself. I close my eyes and pray that if Aone is going to leave, he'll do it now so I don't have to see his face as he walks away. My body jumps as arms wrap around me. I open my eyes to find Aone hugging me tightly as he leans forward. I put my scarred arms around his back and grab his shirt in an attempt to make sure he's real.

"You're beautiful. You're the most beautiful girl to me," Aone says into my ear and I close my eyes.

How could he say that? Is this even real? He can't be here. This can't be happening. But if all of this is fake, why do I feel so goddamn happy? I pull Aone even more into me and he strokes my head gently. His head comes to the side of mine and he lays his lips on my cheek. I feel hot and I never want to let him go. I cry harder and the boy pulls away. His hands go to my face and he holds my cheeks in his rough palms.

He wipes away the tears with his thumbs and looks at me reassuringly. My hands go to his chest and I feel his heartbeat, strong and steady. It reminds me that he is still here. He hasn't left me. I told him everything and he hasn't let me go. Aone leans in and kisses my forehead gently. His lips leave a scalding reminder that he's real. My heart clenches and his thumbs wipe away the last of the falling tears.

He takes his hands off of me and I want him to hold me again. He does but this time, he grabs my arms in his hands and stares at my ugly scars. His fingers rub along the long scar down my vein. He looks at them with such a sad look and I wish I was not scarred. I wish I didn't make him this sad. The boy surprises me as he brings my right arm up to his face and kisses my death cut.

"You are beautiful," he reminds me and I start to cry again.

"You don't have to stay," I wail and he looks at me worriedly. He shakes his head and brings my other arm up to kiss.

"I want to stay," he proclaims strongly and I bite my lip as I try to stop crying. The boy holds my arms and I need to feel better.

"Can you hold me?" I ask quietly through the break in my voice.

Aone gathers me in his arms and I relish in the feeling of security. I put my arms back around him and don't let go for the life of me. I don't know how long it takes me to stop crying. I don't know how long Aone put up with holding me. I don't know how long it took me to realize just how much I needed this boy. I don't know how to put in words just how happy I was that I wasn't alone. But I knew I was cried out, Aone was still there, I need Aone and I was happy.

It felt like forever until I released the boy. Aone at first didn't want to let me go and I didn't force him to release me. After a moment that I regain my breath from the sobs I had released, Aone slowly retracts his arms. But he doesn't take them all away from me. His hands hold my wrists but I can't bear to look at my own skin. I concentrate on the boy's face and can see the sadness go through his eyes. He stares at them for a while before he looks at my face. His expression is curious as I refuse to look at my arms.

"I can never look at them," I whisper. Aone takes one hand away from my arm and puts it on my cheek. He holds my face too tenderly as he looks at me with a worried frown. "They disgust me. I hide them from everyone including myself."

Aone shakes his head as if to tell me that my arms aren't disgusting. I shake my head against his hand, his rough fingers dragging across my soft skin. I take his hand off my cheek and bring it down. I look at the palm while I avoid my own flesh. My fingertip trails the creases on his palm. He has a long crease across his large hand. He's warm and the feel of skin against mine is comforting.

"I haven't told anyone these things before. You're the first in three long years to not have a medical degree and know my past. The boys don't know anything and my parents, well, they hate themselves because they think this is their fault. I blame myself for their pain, I blame myself for the sadness in your eyes," I spill my heart out.

Aone grabs my chin in his other hand. He forces me to look at him and I can see the pain in his eyes. If I never told him then he would never feel this way. Maybe this was a mistake. Aone must see the doubt in my eyes. We can read each other like an open book and I don't know whether to be grateful or scared. It makes me vulnerable but his words make me so much stronger than anyone ever could.

"I know. I was scared though and now you're pitying me. Like I said, it was my fault. I blame only myself. You don't have to feel sad. You only have to smile for me. When you smile, I forget I'm this sick. Please don't look at me differently. I'm still Katrina. I'm still just a girl who rides the train with you," I beg the boy and he stiffens.

His brown eyes have tears welling up and I feel scared this will be too much. I quickly fling myself into his body. He catches me while I put my arms around his neck. I whisper sorry into his ear and the boy grabs my waist. He stands us up and holds me off the ground. He breathes in deeply and then places me on the bridge. His eyes stare down at me and I can finally see the realization he's come to. He smiles softly at me and I wipe my face with my bare arm.

"You're not just some girl to me," he tells me happily.

"Well you aren't just some boy to me," I giggle.

In this heartbeat, I realize that the boy is still here. He didn't leave me. My heart beats hard as I blush when the boy smiles largely. He's so handsome when he smiles. I'm making him smile. I smile even more. The boy knows who I am and he's still smiling at me. God this came out great.

We stand in the moonlight grinning like completely helpless teenagers. My stomach has butterflies and that annoying feeling of acting on impulse strikes me once again. Though I don't get to act on the feeling because my phone rings. Oh my god, Kiyoko is freaking out. I told her I would be home by eight. As I dive for my bag and take out my phone, I find its eight fifteen.

"I'm sorry, we're running late," I apologize into the receiver quickly. On the other side of line is a relieved sigh.

"I just got worried. Will you be coming home soon? I can put the futon out for you," she replies in a soft voice.

"That would be nice, if you don't mind. I can pick up ice cream for us from the store," I offer and the girl is quiet.

"Chocolate would be nice," Kiyoko replies in a bell like whisper. I smile largely and nod.

"We'll be there soon. I promise we won't get lost," I reply happily.

The call ends and I turn to Aone to discover him watching me. His face is serious and I smile gently at him. He's still here. It's amazing. Pulling my armor back over my arms, I grab my bag quickly and then grab the boy's hand. I pull him in a run off of the playground and onto the street. The boy intertwines our fingers and I glance up to see him blush. My fingers fit perfectly between his longer ones and my stomach feels light.

What is this feeling? I never want to let go of him. I want to make sure that he's always happy. I have inexplicable urges to do things that I have never done before. I have told him everything and yet he remains—closer to me now than he was even before. Maybe I shouldn't look into it. Or maybe you don't want to accept it, my voice tells me.

I pull the boy back to the street and walk even closer to him. It was like a weight was lifted up off of my chest. The fear which had sunk into me was dispersed with our quiet steps. We head back to the main street and when we get to the corner, I see the convenience store that is three blocks from Kiyoko's house. We enter and the old man watching the counter stares at us. Aone glances at the man and then leads us towards the back. I glare at the man who flinches with my hostility.

"Do you want anything to eat for the ride home?" I ask the tall boy. He shakes his head and stops us in front of the ice cream. I look at the tubs and they're all generic except for a handful in the corner that I immediately zero in one. "Oh my god, they have Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Aone look at it. You have to try some. Have you ever had some?"

I turn excitedly to the boy and find a smile on his face that goes from ear to ear. He starts chuckling as he shakes his head. I open the fridge door and take out three pints of various flavors. One is chocolate therapy which is for Kiyoko. The other is milk and cookies and the last is my favorite, brewed to matter. I drag Aone as he continues to laugh deeply at my excitement. We get to the counter and I drop the items for the old man to ring up. The old man finally cracks a smile as he looks at our items.

"A long night ahead?" he asks with a cheeky grin. My mouth proceeds to answer before I get to clear it for appropriate conduct.

"Yah they're for a sleepover," I spill out and the man becomes shocked.

You just insinuated you were going to sleep with Aone, my voice barks out. I turn completely red and Aone sighs deeply. The man tells us the price with a scandalized face and I quickly hand him my card. He gives it back sooner than I expected and I steal a plastic spoon for the ice cream. Aone grabs the bagged items and I drag us out the store. When I turn back to glance at the man, he's just shaking his head disapprovingly.

Aone snorts and then breaks out into full laughter. I feel my face is hot and I grab the bag from him. Taking out the milk and cookies tub, I hand the bag back to the boy. I open up the ice cream and dig in quickly so my head stops being so hot and has a chance to cool with the frozen dessert. Aone looks at the ice cream as I glance at him. I offer him the ice cream and he nods. Standing the spoon up in the tub, I hold it out to Aone.

With our hands still linked, he takes a spoonful of ice cream in his free hand. I watch as he tastes it and find his non existent eyebrows rise in wonder. He looks at me with a surprised face and takes another spoonful. I move us along the street and the boy makes a noise of pleasure before he squeezes my hand. He nods his head towards me and hands me the spoon. I take another bite with a bit of cookie and thank god for Ben and Jerry's ice cream.

We almost finish the whole pint and we near Kiyoko's house. I put the tub back into the bag and Aone seems a little bit sad. I bump my shoulder into his arm and he looks over at me. He smiles at bit and I again wonder if this all just a dream. Maybe I killed myself years ago and this is actually heaven and everything leading up to this moment was purgatory. Maybe I'm off my medication and strapped to a bed by hand and feet restraints, screaming for the nurses to release me.

Pushing the thoughts away, I find myself in front of Kiyoko's house and can see the address next to the door. Aone looks at the door with me and doesn't release my hand. The boy looks at the small house and then back at me with a slightly sad look. I give him a reassuring gaze as I put my hand into my bag. I produce his new book and his cookie. The boy trades the items in my hand for the bag of ice cream. Our hands finally come apart as he steps off the stoop. I'm still shorter than him but the step makes me a bit taller.

"Thank you," Aone says quickly as his face turns pink. He puts a hand behind his head and smiles sheepishly. I giggle a bit as I reach up to fix his hair.

"I should be saying thank you. You really are some amazing guy, you know that?" I ask the boy.

Aone blushes even more and I feel my face join his shade. My breath catches when the boy puts one arm around my waist, book and cookie pressed against my back. The other goes to my face and puts a loose strand of hair behind my ear. His gaze is unwavering even though I feel too nervous to even meet it. But I dare not look down as Aone leans forward slowly. His face approaches mine and my blood rushes my ears. I close my eyes as his fingers trail down my chin. For a moment there is a hot breath and then the opening of a door.

"Katrina!" a soft voice gasps.

My eyes burst open and I stumble back. Aone's arm grabs at me and he ends up holding my hip tightly with his arm wrapped around me. He sets me straight and we both turn to the girl at the door. Kiyoko is wide eyed and holds the doorframe for support as she stares at us in purple pajamas. The boy and I blush and look down in embarrassment. Kiyoko doesn't say a thing but gently backs into the house and closes the door. For a heartbeat I just feel slight shame at getting caught doing something I wasn't supposed to in front of my friend's home. But after another heartbeat, I feel laughter rise up with the thought of Kiyoko's face. She was so shocked.

"Oh my god," I breathe out and I turn to Aone. He looks at the door with a scared and surprised face. I turn around and pat his arm. He looks down at me and cracks a shadow of a smile. "Do you have money for the train?"

Aone nods and I am amazed the boy got so scared. We weren't going to do anything right? It wasn't like he was going go kiss me, right? I don't want to think about that now. Fear enters me for a moment and I reach out to the boy. He immediately takes me in his strong hands. I bury my face into his chest and inhale. The boy smells like leather from volleyballs and soap and a hint of dryer sheets. I smile against the strong chest and make myself never forget this moment.

"Thank you for listening to me. Text me when you get home so I know you got home safe. I'll see you on Thursday?" I ask the question shakily.

Aone looks at me as I pull away and nods. He leans down and quickly pecks the top of my head. My body radiates heat and I hug him one last time before I have to let him go. Please let me see him on Thursday. Friday is the anniversary and I don't want him to leave. I can't tell him that though. I can't tell him just how much I would die if he decided I wasn't beautiful like he tells me. I can't tell him just how handsome he is or just how he makes me feel when he looks at me a certain way.

"Thank you, again," I tell him and he smiles.

Detaching myself, he pushes me towards the door. I walk to the door and turn the knob. As I enter, I look back at him and he waves a bit at me, only a few feet apart—though it could have been miles and I would have wanted him just the same. I wave back at him with a wide smile as my hands shut the door. When I step back, I just stare at the wood of the door in blank regard. Why do I need him so badly? What is this emotion?

A hand touches my shoulder and I jump as I turn around. Kiyoko looks at me with a devious smile. She grabs my hand and drags me through the white walled house and into the kitchen. The girl sits me down on a kitchen chair with a red cushion. I watch as she goes to a drawer and takes out two spoons. She hands me one and quickly takes out the ice cream from the bag. I sit in silence as she digs into the chocolate heaven.

"So," she starts off as she hands me the pint of coffee ice cream. I take a bite and her eyes twinkle like the stars. My brain spits words out that I had never considered before—or if I had, I internalized them so I wouldn't freak out.

"Kiyoko, what does love feel like?" I spit out. The girl chokes on her ice cream and I get brain freeze when I shove too much ice cream to keep me from talking.

"I don't know. Why? Do you think you love that boy?" she asks quietly. I focus on how good the ice cream is and wonder how this is the end of me telling Aone the truth. I guess even if he did reject me, I would still have Ben and Jerry to keep me company.

"I have no idea."

And for once, I'm happy that someone knows the truth about me. At least the boy didn't run away. Plus he thinks you're beautiful, my voice teases. I shove more ice cream in my mouth before I could say or think even scarier things.

* * *

 **That moment when you should be studying for your english final but here you are writing a story while trying to not kill your own heart. I took the road that I thought I should. I mean, I couldn't picture Aone leaving. It hurt me when I thought about it. Maybe I'll have someone else totally freak out. I have to have someone. This story can't all be peaches and cream. But even I like peaches and cream. I don't know. Next chapter I want to break Katrina yet again, though someone will be there to glue her back together. I don't know. I should be studying. Please comment to get me through this week of hell and work till one in the morning. Just tell me if you guys liked it. I need something good to get me through the day other than coffee.**

 **As always, follow, fave, review, obsess (loves yous guys)**


	21. Dreams

**Chapter Twenty-One: Dreams**

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" **You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."**

― **Dr. Seuss**

" **A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality."**

― **John Lennon**

" **Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake."**

― **Henry David Thoreau**

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Wednesday rolled around and I realized that next week is the tournament. But in two days is also my anniversary and I'm starting to get anxious. The boys have yet to notice but I know come tomorrow, it's going to be hell. The voices will rise up because of the fear and I'm going to start unraveling slowly. If the boys notice, they're going to start to wonder what is wrong with the date, wrong with me. I'm not ready to tell them. I told Aone and he's the only one that I trust with my secrets. He's the only one I want to know.

"Katrina! Did you see that?" Hinata yells as he starts jumping up and down.

I look at the ginger and he has the brightest smile possible. My arms are folded across my chest and I nod even though I'm lying. The boy jumps up and down and Kageyama watches him with a scowl. But there is something in the way his eyes watch the smaller boy that is endearing. I smile as the captain comes to my side. The others go back to their spiking drills, balls flying haphazardly through the air.

"You didn't see it didn't you," Daichi comments softly and I make a guilty smile.

The boy chuckles and I watch his smile and the way his eyes close with the motion. He's been happy this week and I guess it's because we have the tournament. He's starting to realize this is his last chance. I have given him as best as a chance I could. Once next week rolls around though, everything will be over.

"Hinata will want me to see something else. It's not like he won't want me to see something in a few seconds," I tell the third year. He chuckles and I see our other coach across the gym. He's talking with Takeda, no doubt about the tournament.

"So the tournament is next week," Daichi starts and then stops slowly. He wants to know something. What it is, I'm not positive if it's good or bad.

"What are you worried about?" I ask quietly and the boy sighs.

Turning away from the boy, I watch the others fly through the air. We are like crows. They fly so beautifully in that air over the court. Tanaka goes to jump and I can see him hit the ball into the wood. Nishinoya misses it but it was only a fingertip away. I smile largely at the spiker to find his hand pushing against his right thigh as he walks. The leg drags and I feel a pit in my stomach with watching it. That isn't right. I should do something about that.

"That boy you're dating—"

"I'm not dating him," I interrupt, forgetting my own worried thoughts. Daichi grunts in disbelief. I pout and glance at the boy who smiles at me teasingly. "We've gone over this."

"Alright, but this friendship with him," the boy stops and I feel my eye start to twitch with annoyance. Just fucking spit it out. Tell me what you don't like about the boy and let's get this over with Daichi. No need to dance around the subject. We are extremely protective of that boy, my voice grumbles. "Do you know we might play against him?"

"Of course I know that. It doesn't change anything. We won't lose," I say strongly even though I have a sick feeling in my stomach.

Will Aone leave me? After all he told me, I can't imagine him leaving me. But things never go my way. I mean, how beautiful will I be to him when he looks at me and sees the loss that he experienced by my hands. I'm not scared though. It's just the feeling of anger because he had to be in our providence, had to be a volleyball player and not basketball or another. Then again, I wouldn't want him to be anything but what he is right now. He's perfect the way he is.

"I know it's going to be hard on you. I just want to let you know that he shouldn't break your friendship when we win. You are an amazing person and anyone would be lucky to have you by their side."

I turn to Daichi and look at him with a slightly disgusted face. Why is he talking like Aone and I are married or something? Does he think we need couples counseling or something? Talking about standing by my side and all that other relationship speech is making me slightly angry. He isn't my boyfriend. Stupid boys for thinking things no matter how much I argue. Daichi examines my face as he smiles largely and then bursts into laughter. I stick my tongue out as Kiyoko comes up to us.

"You make it sound so weird," I tell Daichi as the girl looks at me expectantly.

Over the weekend, next to eating ice cream and watching movie after movie, the girl and I repainted the old banner. It was black with white paint written to say "Fly". It was badass and she wanted to reveal it today. I leave the captain's side as Kiyoko eagerly leads me to the second floor of the gym. I didn't like it very much. The second floor was too thin and the windows always were blackened. It was plain old dangerous looking.

"Kiyoko-san be careful!" Tanaka yells at us and I roll my eyes.

"See, I'm chopped liver. They only have eyes for Kiyoko-san," I tease.

"Katrina, don't you dare fall!" Yamaguchi snaps at me as he looks up worriedly. Kiyoko smiles at me and looks at me while raising a brow.

"I won't," I yell at the scared boy.

When I look over the edge, the first years are looking at me in fear. Even Kageyama has an animated face. I wave at them and they only hesitate. Kiyoko laughs softly and I give her a small smile as she picks up the banner. Together we put it to railing and the boys stop to look at us. They seem intrigued.

"What are you two doing?" Ukai calls out, not doubt going to stop practice to send us all home. Takeda fixes his glasses as he tries to see what's in our hands. Kiyoko looks at me but I shake my head for a moment.

"Kiyoko wanted to do something special since we've come so far," I tell everyone loudly. Kiyoko looks at me sharply and I know she doesn't want to take credit for doing this but she did and it's amazing. "She worked really hard on this and I think you guys should be extremely proud of her."

I release my side of the banner and Kiyoko drops hers. The black banner unravels and shows the boys it's full glory. There are gasps of wonder and then all the eyes fall to my female companion. I even turn to her and the girl blushes as she clutches the railing. She's so pretty. I swear if a boy or someone breaks her hearts, I will break them in two. She is too nice and perfect to have her heart broken.

"Good luck," she says shakily and puts her hair behind her ear. The boys all shout and blush red. I smile at them and even Ukai is looking at the girl in wonder. Kiyoko gives a cough next to me and I know she wants me to stop them from staring.

"Go do your warm down. We can't have you guys falling apart," I yell at them.

The boys all jump and then scatter. Kiyoko looks at me gratefully and I hurry to get off of this high up. I hate being this close to the windows. Something about them still being a touchy subject. It doesn't help that I look down at the wrong moment and the world spins with vertigo. Voices invade me and I stop on the stairs, holding tightly to the railing.

That's because they watch us through the windows. They are watching right now. You can't escape them. We have to go home. We have to hide. Being here makes us vulnerable and they will find us. Leave. We have to leave right now. The pills, they are fogging our mind. They are tricking you into thinking you're safe. We must leave!

"Katrina," a voice whispers. I am sitting on the first step, curled into a ball. Ignoring the voice, I stand shakily and run down the stairs. My breath hitches as I get to the bottom. My fear about the anniversary is terrible. There is a hand on my shoulder as I take in air with gulps. I turn as I swallow and find my teacher worriedly frowning.

"I'm fine. Heights aren't my thing," I reassure and the man nods shakily.

He doesn't believe me. Takeda takes his hand back and I go to my bag. I take out my pills and quickly swallow two down. It's time and that's why the voices came up so easily. Just as I'm going to walk away from my bag, my phone rings. Who is it? I open the phone and immediately feel something is wrong.

"Katrina! How are you doing?" Suoh yells into the receiver.

I cringe and quickly walk out of the gym. If Suoh is calling me in the middle of the week, I know this can't be good. If it was, he would have come in person. It's only when he can't stand to see my hurt that he calls me. Suoh is only going to tell me something that will cause me to break and we both know it. I struggle to get words out and cough to keep the hoarse sound from creeping into my words.

"I'm me," I reply and the man's voice changes. Suoh hacks a cough out and I know for sure that this isn't right. It becomes deeper and I know this isn't good at all.

"Well I just wanted to call you to change your appointment with Hana. You are going to see her on Saturday," he tells me coldly.

"What?" I whisper.

"Thursday you aren't going to Sendai. You're going to go on Saturday," he replies and the chill in his voice travels throughout my whole body.

I walk across the path and head to the school. I'm quiet as I try to understand why he would do this to me. As I get to the girl's locker room that no one ever uses, I lock the door and slide down the wall. My body makes itself small and I bring my knees into my chest. My world is going to crumble. My arms ache and my head hurts. I tried to kill myself so many years ago. Was I supposed to die? Maybe I'm living on borrowed time.

"Why are you doing this?" I ask Suoh quietly.

The man doesn't answer and I know he's trying to find the strength to hang up. He isn't letting me go to the city on Thursday. I am not going to see Aone. Maybe the boy won't show up and I won't feel the rejection and the pain of his hatred. Or what if he thinks I don't want to be with him and he leaves me forever. I can just tell him what Suoh is doing. It's no guarantee though. I can't do this.

"I know that the date is coming up, but I think it would better to have the appointment the day after. If you don't think you can handle it, you can always come stay the week at the clinic. I can come pick you up tonight," Suoh voices and I know that this is what he wanted from the beginning.

He wants me back at the clinic but he's too much of a coward to actually tell me that to my face. So now he's going to break me to get me back. I am going to break with what he's doing. We can't go back, my voice argues. I know we can't. We have finally gotten a life. We've finally told someone everything and they didn't leave me. This is what i'm supposed to be doing. I can't go back yet. I can't leave the boys. Aone needs me too. I need that boy and train rides and the silence. Oh god, how I need the silence.

"You're a coward," I hiss and I slam the phone shut.

My tears start to burst forward and I thrust my hand into the socket to keep them at bay. Damn Suoh and damn those doctors. They don't want to help me. They just want to make their name infamous and I'm nothing but a means to a green moneyed end. How dare they believe they could act like my friends for a second? My mind is so muddled and I don't know what to do anymore.

"Katrina," a voice calls out as a knock is on the door next to me. The voice is bored and I stay quiet, hoping that they would go away. The doorknob jiggles and there is a second knock. "Are you okay? Coach Ukai is getting worried since you disappeared."

"Go away Tsukki," I yell out and the boy sighs on the other side of the door. He knocks again and I can feel my chest rise and fall with fear. I can't deal with this right now. "Tsukki, I'm not playing. Just leave me alone!"

"Katrina-"

"I don't **need** you Tsukki. Just get out of here!"

The words must come out harsher than I normally am with the boy because the world grows silent. I shouldn't have said that. I can discern a muttered complaint and then steps leaving. Damnit, now Tsukki's going to be pissed. I normally don't push him away like that. If anyone could bother me into not escaping their company it's Tsukki. Today is just a big old mess up. Should I even be here to ruin everyone's lives?

Would everyone be happier without me? If I wasn't here, the boys wouldn't have to deal with my mood swings. I wouldn't have just hurt the fragile little boy named Tsukishima. I would want to believe that I don't need them but I wouldn't be this happy without everyone. This is such a one sided relationship I have with them. They would still be perfect volleyball players if I wasn't here. There is no need for me.

Maybe this is not right. Maybe I'm just thinking they don't need me so if they decide that they really don't, then I wouldn't be hurt. It would still hurt though. If they were to leave me, I don't know how I would put myself back together and learn to trust. It would be impossible if they left me, if Aone left me. I can't think about this. This is just going to drive me over the edge. I have to make it through the week.

But one thing that we need is to talk to Aone. If I don't show up at the station, he's only going to get worried. I would have rather had two psyche appointments than just the one. I could have seen Aone and then Doctor Morinozuka. Suoh doesn't want that though. I inhale sharply as I open my phone and text Aone. The reply doesn't come and I just sit in the dark, waiting for the end to come. The end to my dreams is coming.

* * *

Since I opened my eyes on the anniversary, my stomach has been sick. My hands would shake every now and then. I swear I didn't listen to a word that came out of my teachers' mouths. Nurse Ito was concerned beyond belief but didn't push me to do anything that I couldn't do. Kageyama would look at me worriedly through all of our breaks and rotations and classes. I was breaking hard.

"Katrina," a voice calls. My brain is so foggy with fear.

Someone is calling my name. I turn to my left as I enter the gym and find Suga watching me carefully. The boys are huddled in a circle and their faces are concerned. I look at them blankly as I try to discern why they would be so worried. They probably noticed that I'm quiet. My hand scratches my elbow and I notice my sleeve is pulled up, revealing my stark white bandages.

"You guys need to start practice. We are on borrowed time," I tell them and the last two words ring in an echo through my mind. That's what I'm on: borrowed time.

You aren't supposed to be alive. You should have died back then. But you're nothing but a failure. You couldn't even kill yourself correctly. These boys don't need your failure to remind them that they will only fail. You can't have them win. They aren't strong enough. No one can help you because you are worthless to them. You should have died then.

"What's wrong with your arm?" Someone asks me shakily. I don't answer as my vision skews. I turn away and look at the court. Should I even be here? I don't know anymore.

"Go start your warm up," a voice says and I know somehow it was my own. I didn't feel like I said it, but I know it did.

Steps on wood replace the echo of 'borrowed time' that had yet to cease. Today I'm bad. What am I going to do when I have to go home? It's dangerous there. Maybe I can just sneak out and sleep in the gym. It would be much safer than at home with the voices. At least then, I could be alone with silence but not anywhere near knives or razors or matches. The voices are just going to get worse.

"What's wrong?"

My vision shifts and I turn towards the voice. Nishinoya is looking at me with a frightened expression. The others have listened to me and are running out the gym. The distance between us closes and I put my arm out. My hand misses his shoulder and I take a gulp of air. My fingers finally find his warm body and I squeeze. The action grounds me and Nishinoya who never looks like he can be anything but happy, seems terrified.

"Go do your warm up. It's not your fault," I murmur and try to smile. My face falls back into its blank regard soon after and the boy bites his lips. He trembles as an angry look passes over his eyes.

"Don't treat us like this Katrina. We know something is wrong. Stop lying to us," Noya yells in my face.

I don't even feel the sting of his anger. I only feel cold all of a sudden. Maybe that was the actual reaction to his rage. My hand falls off of his shoulder and I turn away. The boy has a hurt look as I take one last glance. My heart clenches and I hate myself for making them sad. I hate myself for making them hurt when all they are is too concerned for me.

"Warm up."

The boy scoffs and then runs out the gym. They can't know. If I really do break tonight, they should see me as how they did instead of what I really am. If I do break, then I would leave and they would never see me ever again. Might as well let them remember me as the me that I tried to be for them. I don't want them to remember me as the girl that broke in front of them.

I wait silently as my mind rages on. The boys come back and Ukai shows himself along with our faculty director. They watch me as I watch the boys. None of the boys stop their worried glances but I can't stop the voices in my head. Twenty minutes into their scrimmage, I take my pills out and swallow them down. The medication hits fifteen minutes later and I begin to revert to my old self. I watch the boys with a clearer mind and see Tsukki go up late for a block.

"Tsukki, you have jump a little earlier," I tell him across the court and the boys all stiffen with my voice. They don't move and then Tsukki is the one who breaks.

"Look at her," he says sharply. "She's finally manifested."

"What?" I whisper but the boy turns on me. He stomps over and I can see the hurt in his eyes. He never got over me pushing him away. I had never done that and it hurt him to think that I didn't need him.

"You can't just do that," he yells and I can see his eyes darkened behind his glasses. My stomach turns and maybe I shouldn't have swallowed my pills dry. Tsukki now looks at me from above and I feel so small. My mind is too tired. I'm just so tired. "You can't pick and choose."

"Tsukki," I open my mouth but he groans, face growing harder.

"You don't want us, don't want to coach us, and don't want us to know what's wrong. That's fine but then don't act like you care about us then," he spits out. Now he's just being mean. My hands go to my stomach as I feel the punch in my gut. He thinks I don't care about them. That's what they think when they see that I'm not telling them what's wrong with me.

"That's not what is happening," I argue weakly.

Tsukki's hand clenches itself and a fist forms. I don't fear the boy but the voices start to scream. My mind is emptied of everything but the shrieks. Tsukki's mouth opens but I can't hear it as my lip trembles and my ears close to the world outside my mind. My hands grasp my stomach and feel something rise up. My feet turn and I'm out of the gym.

My hands roughly clutch the metal of the trash outside as I keel over in pain. The world seems so different from what it feels like normally. My body hurts and aches as I tremble. My stomach is emptied and I feel my nails dig into the rusted sides of the trash. With spasms I finally can breathe once again. A hand rubs my back but the tears come out of my eyes as I slap the body away.

There is someone yelling and I don't know what the words are exactly. I don't know if I want to know. The sun is orange as it highlights my blurred vision. My body aches and my head pounds as I rise, finished with the trash. I step away from the bin and find Daichi and Suga next to me. My arm gestures them away and I attempt to walk to the gym. I nearly fall and catch myself on the wall of the building.

"Katrina," the name sounds like it was spoken in a swimming pool. I look at Suga and his lips are forming words, the communication lost to me.

"Get my bag. I need to go home," I tell the boys and they just stiffen. I run a hand along my arm as I shake. My voice rises and I know that this will get me where I need to go. "Get me my damn bag. I am going home!"

The boys flinch and then they look at one another. They shake their heads but Ukai has come out to see what is going on. The man doesn't say a thing but looks at me as I huff with anger. He nods, goes back into the building and returns with my satchel. I meet him and tug my bag from his hand. He seems unsure but doesn't hold me back. I turn around and the two third years move to follow me.

I glance back with a deadly glare. Don't follow me, I am going to destroy myself today. I may have lived, but tonight will change everything. Something will end, I just know it. The boys step back with my look and I force my legs to move forward. My hands hold my strap with a white knuckle grip. My brain hazes and I don't know how I even got home.

The fact doesn't change that I lost the minutes between the two destinations and I have my key in my door. What happened? How did I get home? I can't say that I actually remember. My hand opens the door and I walk inside. My bag drops at the door and I kick off my shoes next to it. I need to take precautions.

Quickly going to the kitchen, I take out a large pitcher. I fill the glass with water as I open the drawers. Knives begin to fill my hands and I throw it in the rising water. I should have done this in the morning but I didn't think I would be this bad. I should have expected the worst. The water tops off and I grab a plastic container, filling that with water also. My legs carry me into the bathroom as I take out my razors and bring them to the container.

With all the weapons in the water, I open the freezer and stuff them in. They'll freeze and I won't be able to get to them. My hand shakes as I open another drawer and take out matches. I get a cup and place the handful of matches in the cup except for one. I light the match with the now empty box and drop it into the glass. The flame burns hot and I watch the small fire with interest.

My fingers cross over the heat before I snap out of its curse. I drop water into the glass, expelling the flames. The dirty glass sits in the sink and I just breathe hard for a moment. How many days have gone by that I've been this bad? I pull my hair and unravel it from its braid. How long will I have to stay awake tonight because the voices are going to scream at me?

Go change and stop thinking about this, my voice screams over the garbles. I nod to no one and head to my room. My uniform is stripped and I place it neatly into the hamper. I put on a large shirt and spandex shorts. My body is so hot all of a sudden. I need to do something to distract myself. The sun is setting and the darkness will be here soon. I am only going to get worse.

My eyes settle onto the hamper and I empty it. Making piles, I put the first one into the washer. I'll do laundry. The washer begins to moan as I start a cycle. My shaking hands put soap into the running water. Softener goes in the compartment as I close my eyes. My head hurts so much and my body aches. I'm tired. I close the door and then lower myself to the floor.

With my back to the washer, I lay my head against the moving machine. Silence. That's all I'm asking you for god. God doesn't listen to me and I just continue to be left with voices that are driving me insane. I shouldn't have yelled at Tsukki like the voices are yelling at me. I shouldn't have been so mean days ago. I shouldn't have treated Daichi and Suga like I did when they were only worried.

My mind doesn't allow me to count the time that I'm sitting against the washer on the floor and reminiscing on all the wrongs I have ever done. Instead I only have the sun and the washer to tell me that I have been sitting here for too long. The cycle has already gone through and the sun has set completely, house pitch black. I move to get up but there is a sound somewhere in the house.

My eyes flick back and forth in the hall as I hear my phone ringing. My legs somehow fall under me as I stumble through the apartment. My phone continues to ring as I pry it from my bag. I open it without checking the caller ID and wait for someone to say something on the other line. My head hurts as I attempt to blink away the pain.

"Hello?" I realize. They called me. I have to speak first.

"Are you okay?" a deep voice asks. My brain is slow to comprehend that this is Aone. My mouth flaps open and then closes. I bite my lip as I curl into a ball in the corner of the front room. The darkness hides me and my eyes don't pulse with the tears falling or maybe it's because of the lack of sunlight.

"Do you want the truth?" I ask shakily and the boy on the other side is silent. For a moment I think that he's gone and that this all just a sick joke my mind has played on me. Maybe Aone never existed. No one could ever believe I was beautiful.

"I'm coming over. Tell me your address," he coaxes softly. I inhale sharply and shake my head.

"I'm a mess Aone. You shouldn't see me like this. Today is not a good day. You shouldn't come," I beg but the thought of having him here is soothing.

I won't be afraid I would do something so drastic. I couldn't go over the edge if he were here. The silence from the receiver is deafening. For the moment, the voices don't even speak. I only hear Aone's breathing and my own falling tears. Then there is other voices on the other side. Boys discuss something about leaving and there is a grunt of a reply.

"I'm coming. Address," Aone commands strongly but at the same time so gently. I bite my lip and curl my toes into the rug. My mouth spills out my address before I could really decide. The boy makes a noise of confirmation and doesn't speak up. He also doesn't hang up. I can hear his soft breathing as I close my eyes once again.

"They're so loud," I whisper into the receiver as the voices gain ground. The darkness is now my enemy and my eyes open as the voices begin again.

They are coming for us. That boy will bring them with him. He is evil. We must run. We must escape them. The pills are tainting us. Get up! We have to leave. They are watching. Can't you see them? The people in the shadows. They are going to get us. We must leave now!

The shadows dance and I could swear I saw tendrils of arms creeping to me. My legs kicked at them but the black hands kept creeping closer. I pull myself further into a ball and turn to the wall. This is all a bad dream. There are no monsters out there. There is nothing out there. I just have to make it until Aone gets here. I just have to hold on until then.

The phone buzzes in my hand and I realize I must have hung up on the boy when I got scared. I open the phone secretly, glad that Aone didn't call again. I don't think I would be able to speak or even hear him. My eyes blink and finally comprehend the words on the screen.

 **I'll be there in fifteen minutes. Hold on. I'm coming. Please just hold on.**

The message is so panicked that I can feel the fear in the words. Aone is scared. I'm scared too. I'm so far gone and the voices just keep screaming. I threw up. My pills. I threw up the pills and that's why I'm so vulnerable right now. It's fine though. Aone is almost here. He's almost here. I just have to hold on. My mind is so full and my throat aches. Talk, my own voice whispers, sing and focus on that. My mouth widens and I force syllables and then words and then phrases into the air. I don't even remember what I sing. All I know is that I do for a while.

There is a sound behind me but I believe it to just be my crazy mind. But it isn't my imagination. My mouth still forms the words of the song as a body approaches my corner. Arms reach out from behind me and strong hands take hold of my shoulders. My body stops rocking back and forth. My hands cover my face but the arms pick my small body up. I open my scared eyes to find a strong face shadowed by what little light flows into the room.

My eyes well up with tears and I reach up. Wrapping my arms around Aone's neck, I feel relieved that he's here. The boy crushes me to his body and I silently cry. My head hurts so much. Everything will be find though. Aone is here now. The boy carries me to the couch a small distance away. He places me softly on the cushions and then travels through the darkness. I curl up once again and light illuminates the room.

Aone's face is worried and I watch him as he stands a few feet from me. His hands are on his hips but the strong palms are rubbing against his black shirt. He's unsettled. He still wears his gym pants and I can see that he must have come straight from practice. The most worrisome thing is that he keeps biting his bottom lip. He's scared.

My mind focuses on him and I lift my right arm, hand reaching towards him. The boy comes over quickly and stands within my grasp. I hold his arm and pull him down for me to wrap my arms around him. He lowers himself and I put my left arm over his shoulder as my right goes under his arm at an angle. I rub his back as I stop any more tears from running. I can't scare him too much. He came for me but I can't scare him.

"I'll be okay now. Thank you for coming. I'll be okay now that you're here. Thank you," I chant like a mantra. The boy puts one arm around me and the other pets my hair down. I'll be safe with Aone.

I release the boy a moment later and he straightens his back. His face is still a little worried but there is a light in his eyes. My head pounds as I move to stand. The boy puts his arms out to push me back but I give him a strong look. His arms retract and I know I have to do something to distract myself.

Looking at Aone, I see a bag on the floor by mine. How did he even get in here? I didn't lock the door did I? Just when I feel my mind start to falter, Aone's stomach growls—loudly at that. I glance at his face and see him blush deeply. A smile makes its way onto mine and I slowly shuffle to the kitchen. Aone follows like a part of me and I open the fridge. A large container of stew sits on a shelf and I take it out.

"Do you want some bread or rice with your stew?" I ask the boy. Aone flails slightly and shakes his head. I look up at him and just smile softly. "I have to distract myself and you're hungry. So tell me, bread or rice?"

Aone shakes his head with a frown and I just sigh. My hand clutches the kitchen counter as another wave of thoughts invade my brain. My head pounds and then my vision shows white spots. I have such a bad headache from getting sick and then all of the crying I've done. Maybe I'm actually dehydrated. Aone places a hand on my shoulder as I bring my free hand up to rub my temple.

The boy starts a circle motion on my back and I force myself to take deep breaths. The moment of fear and pain passes with Aone's help. I shake my head and turn to face the boy. He stares at me with concern and I pat his arm gently. He nods and I go about making him dinner. I don't think I can stomach having any food.

"I'll make both then," I proclaim as I open up a cupboard. Aone's hand is in my view as I take out the rice cooker. He points softly to the machine and I smile up at him. "Only rice?"

The boy nods minutely and I go about the kitchen as I get the necessary items. I stop for a moment as I open the drawer and find no knives. You put them in ice you blockhead, my voice screams jovially. I shake my head to get the voices to stop and complete all of my tasks. The stew and rice are now making and I hand Aone a cup of tea I had started.

The boy looks into the cup and then down at me. He seems happy but I can see in his eyes that he's unsure. I smile at him softly. He actually came for me. No one ever does anything just for me. My parents don't and neither do the doctors. The boys try but I'm still their coach. Aone came just for me. I feel my face heat and butterflies in my stomach.

"So," I mutter to try to get myself from embarrassing both of us. "I assume you're going home at some point. Are you staying the night?"

The boy's eyes widen and I swallow hard with my words. It's not like I really need him to stay. I mean, I can handle the voices now that he's here. They'll go down. Him staying isn't like a weird thing that you do when you're friends. Even though I think he's really good looking and totally wouldn't mind kissing him or hugging him or doing anything with him. This is weird. This **isn't** weird.

"Yes," the boy booms a little loudly.

I jump and face him quickly only to find him red up to the ears. He avoids my eyes and I blush hard. I finally can't take this awkwardness and grab his arm, dragging him to the couch. I push him down and then sit next to him as I put on the television. It immediately goes back to the movie I was watching before. The movie is of course _My Best Friend's Wedding_. Aone tilts his head at the movie next to me and I can tell he doesn't know it.

Smiling, I decide not to change the movie, instead making the subtitles for Japanese—not surprisingly a setting since Suoh gave me the movie—and leaving the voices in English. I grab the blanket next to me and wrap myself in it as the movie starts. Aone silently drinks his tea and I attempt to not stare at him. He really did come though and it blows my mind. The movie plays on and I feel the voices rise up with the normal action.

My heart pounds and my shoulders shudder as I exert the force to keep them down. My stomach is so empty today and it hurts as I swallow hard. My hands curl around the blanket harder and I close my eyes. I can feel a light sweat come to my forehead as I become deafened to the English voices from the movie. My toes crunch and I think that the voices are going to break me when I feel something pull me back to earth and the other side of the couch.

I open my eyes to find that Aone is shaking me lightly. His eyes are the size of the moon and I get lost in the color. The boy pulls me into his side and I sigh as the contact helps me. I curl into his side and just concentrate on his strong breathing. His arm goes around my shoulder and he resumes watching the movie as I regain my mind. The voices become the normal low whispers and I sink further into the boy. This is nice. He's so nice.

Time passes and the movie is partly through when I rise shakily to get dinner. Aone pauses the movie—his whole expression saying he was intent on the turn it would take—and follows me to the kitchen. He hands me his now empty cup and I refill it with some tea. The boy looks at me as I take out two bowls for him. I hand him one with the step and then grab a spoon and chopsticks for his rice, all while getting another bowl with his starch. I push him lightly towards the table and the large boy allows me to direct his path.

As he sits, I hand him his food and he stares at me intently. I smile at him as I fold my legs on the chair next to his, watching the steam from the dinner. I finally realize Aone is concerned when he pushes the rice towards me. I push it back towards him and he grimaces. Oh, he must want me to eat. I shake my head with a sad smile. i doubt I can hold anything down right now. But the boy will have none of my refusals, getting up in one swoop and returning quickly with a bowl of rice and another pair of chopsticks. I frown at him but he places the food in front of me and huffs.

He lowers himself back into his spot next to me and I grab the bowl of rice in my hand. For the first time since he got here, I noticed something very different about me. My arms were open and merely covered in the bandages. I normally have them under sleeves even if I have them wrapped. But instead, I forgot that I even had to cover them when I'm with the boy. That is how comfortable I am with him. I am so comfortable, I can forget my largest shame. He makes me feel like the person I want to be and not the person the voices tell me I am.

"Eat," Aone tells me softly.

I stop thinking about things that will only be ruined by my mind and look at my companion. He gives me a strong look and I sigh as I dig into the bowl. I eat slowly and the boy nods as he grows a small accomplished smile. He seems so happy with me. I don't understand how he can be so happy with me. I need him so much more than he needs me, yet he still can smile at me like this. My cheeks hurt as I smile so brightly at Aone. He startles at my look and I blush as I look back into my bowl. The voices try to yell at me that the feelings are all false but I know that they are the only real things I have right now.

He won't stay though. You can't allow him to stay with you. You're a poison to him. once we go to that tournament next week, he will hate us. He will leave us when he loses to those boys you coach. He will see you for what we are. He is only going to lead us to those people following us. We have to elave him now. If he stays, he is only staying because he feels bad for you. You are so pathetic to think that he actually sees you with anything other than pity.

"Aone?" I ask quietly as I bite my lip. The voices bring up a good point and I don't want to think about what would happen if we do play him next week. I wonder if he's thought about it. "What if we play against each other?"

My voice is shaky as I realize that the fact of why I shouldn't have gotten close to him is now upon us. If I beat him, he will only feel regret and anger. If I beat him, then he would feel bad for me. but I know we won't lose. The boys have trained so hard. Can I still look at Aone if we lose? I don't want to think that I would hate him, but what if I do? My eyes make their way to Aone and he sees that I'm scared of what will happen. Will I break if we face each other on the court—even if we're on different places on the wood?

"We play," he tells me blankly and I blink. I nod my head and then look back into my bowl. He can't hold back when we play. I can't have him regret trying to keep our friendship and ruining his chances with his team. I can't have that. I can't.

"Promise me something again," I say angrily. I'm angry about us being on separate sides of this sport. Why couldn't he have been at Karasuno? Why couldn't I have been at Date Tech? Why did I have to get involved with boys volleyball? Why? I just want to be happy. Why is it so hard for me to just be happy?

Aone grunts and I look at him once again. The boy's brown eyes are determined and I feel my heart skip a beat. I don't think he will stay after all. I hope he does. Why do I have doubt his words? Is it because I have been alone for so long? Is it because I was abandoned by the people who should have been the closest to me? Is it because my team made me a spectacle rather than supporting me? Is it because the voices tell me otherwise? But he is here. He hasn't left. He's amazing beyond words for that.

"Promise me that you won't go easy on me. Promise me that you will leave everything on that court when we play," I proclaim. The boy nods and then does something surprising. He puts out his hand and sticks his pinky towards me. I look at the large hand and then back at him. He smiles gently and I take his finger within mine. He squeezes and nods strongly. I smile at him but I'm worried. Aone grabs my hand and holds it as he resumes eating, a little clumsily without his dominant hand. I hold it back and try to finish my rice as a pit forms in my stomach.

Aone doesn't release my hand the rest of the night, whether to reassure me or because he is worried about the same things that flood my mind, I'm not quite sure. Though I do not complain. We leave the dishes for the morning, finish the movie and I nearly fall asleep as the voices continue to plague my mind. Aone might chase them away from the surface, but there is no quick fix cure for me. The boy can't fix me, but he does help me immensely. I am going to have to talk to the boys on Monday. I know I won't be able to make my appointment in the capital and practice. They're going to get worried.

Aone shakes my hand after a long time and I notice the television show we had started has now finished. I look over at the boy and he yawns largely. It was really cute actually. He rubs his eyes with his free hand and I stand up. I should give him fresh blankets for the futon. The boys normally don't take them down since they stay over a lot and the second bedroom is empty. I pull Aone up and take him to the second bedroom. Finally letting go of him, I open the closet and hand him two pillows and three blankets.

"The bathroom is down the hall and you can sleep on any futon you want. If you need anything, I'll be in the next room. Okay?" I ask him sleepily.

I'm tired too. The boy nods as he yawns again and I leave him. Going into my own room, I leave the door slightly open. I can hear Aone go into the bathroom and then come out a couple of minutes later. I close my eyes from my bed but the voices start to get worse. My head pounds and I just want to sleep. I can't and for a while I just stare at the ceiling while I get yelled at constantly. I finally get up and just sit in the bed as my eyes are heavy with fatigue. My legs swing off the bed and I grab a blanket as I wrap it around me. I leave my bedroom quietly and notice that the clock in the hall says two in the morning.

I look towards the other door and don't know what to do. I'm so tired. The voices quiet if I'm with Aone but he's asleep. He was tired. I shouldn't wake him. That would be asking too much. But maybe he's awake. I can check. My legs carry me to the room with the door wide open. Aone is hanging off the futon and isn't covered by the blankets that slid off him.

I smile gently at the boy and step lightly to his sleeping body. Grabbing the blankets, I put them on top of him. He shifts and then turns to me, eyes fluttering open in the darkness. I stiffen and blush at getting caught red-handed in his bedroom. The boy takes a moment to discern that I am not a dream and he tries to get up. I shake my head and wave at him erratically.

"I'm sorry. I just couldn't sleep and the voices were just loud, so I decided to walk around. I'm sorry I woke you up," I apologize quickly.

The boy puts his arm out and I go closer to him, having tried to escape in my rant. His hand grabs the edge of my blanket and he pulls me closer as his other hand grabs another futon set up close to him. He drags the bed next to his and pulls me down onto the empty futon. I fall clumsily and the boy hands me an extra pillow. I take it as I sit on the bed. Aone gestures for me to lay down but when I open my mouth to complain, he groans in frustration. He's tired, just do what he wants, my voice instructs through the haze.

I sigh as I lay down next to him. He lays on his back and pulls the futon closer to him. The beds are inches away from each other and I lay on side staring at him. Aone turns his head and smiles dreamily at me. I feel my damn breath catch and I want him to look at me like that forever. He seems me as so beautiful but nothing could be more perfect than his expression right now.

I put right arm under the pillow as I lay on my right side towards him. Aone turns onto his stomach and he reaches out for me once again. He turns his head towards me and grabs my left arm from the top of the blankets. He intertwines our fingers and bends our arms so that they are between our beds. I feel warm as the boy sighs and then closes his eyes.

It takes me a couple of minutes to calm my beating heart and even longer to convice myself to stop watching Aone's soft breathing. I didn't think that anything could be better than the dreams that Aone instilled in me. Because for once in my life, my life was the dream and sleep wasn't the best thing that could ever happen to me—my life was.

* * *

 **We are going to get to the tournament in the next chapter. I asked for like a week off from work becuase I am so burned out it's not even funny. I swear I did like twenty pages of essays last week and then all of my finals. It was hell. I worked until one and I wanted to write so bad but I had to study. So sorry for the late update! We'll have one once a week now because of the break. Also thank you to everyone who told me good luck in the comments! You guys are so awesome, I really don't know what I would have done. I was so stressed and it helped a lot. Thank you to anyone who ever comments really. It makes my week actually. Thanks for making it this far! I hope you like the story!**

 **As always, follow, fave, review, obsess. (Loves yous guys)**


	22. Murder of Crows

**Chapter Twenty-Two: Murder of Crows**

 **"What are you doing to me?" he asked the crow, tearful.**

 **Teaching you how to fly.**

 **"I can't fly!"**

 **You're flying right now.**

 **"I'm falling!"**

 **Every flight begins with a fall, the crow said.**

 **― George R.R. Martin, _A Game of Thrones_**

* * *

Yesterday I learned many things about Aone.

Number one: Aone took forever to actually wake up. He may have been a light sleeper and would wake up when I almost slipped my hand out of his, but he wasn't fully functioning at all. After I got up to get breakfast ready and to shower, he finally was awakening. He laid under the covers for twenty minutes before he left them and in general during the night was uncovered. I think he threw the blankets from his futon on me three times before sunrise. This brings me to my next point about Aone.

Number two: Aone was probably the most restless sleeper I have ever met. He shifts and kicks the blankets off and pulled me off my futon. Surprisingly he never let go of my hand. It was nice, even if I did wake up with him half in my bed and pinned to the mattress under his weight. When Aone finally woke up and I made him breakfast, I learned he ate a lot. This is number three.

Number three: Aone not only ate a lot of food at breakfast but most of it was non-specific. The only thing he specified was his eggs. My cooking skills surprised Aone and he watched me make food in wonder. The teachings of the nurses came in handy when Aone wanted sunny side up eggs. He literally ate half of my carton of eggs but I didn't mind. I couldn't send him to his Saturday practice hungry. This brings me to the last thing I learned about Aone.

Number four: Aone has a friend who waits for him at the station for Saturday practice. When I rode the train with him towards Sendai, he got off at his usual stop. The boy was a little inclined to skip practice but as a coach, I told him he would do no such thing. So as he got off, I watched him go and saw him meet up with some boy. It was clear from the club jacket he was on the same team and his hair was a darker brown. When he saw Aone and I wave to each other, he had a surprised face. It transformed into a smirk as I rode away and I only hope he didn't get angry at Aone—or that Aone wasn't teased like I am.

That's what I learned about Aone on Saturday. I also found out that Hana wasn't the one who cancelled my appointment with her. It wasn't even her idea to have me go on Saturday. Suoh had put up a fight and as my primary physician, had power to make decisions about my appointments. Hana would have rather seen me twice and she apologized for not pushing harder.

It was fine. Aone took care of me even if Suoh was a total ass and wanted me to break.

Hana said that if I ever got that bad, I could come to the hospital and she would take care of me. She even gave me her cell phone number in case she was off. I felt better having the woman in my corner as I battled the demons. So far, she and Aone were the only ones who knew about what I was fighting.

This leads me to the next in a series of revelations I have to tell the boys. They called four times before I had even woken up. Suga called first and then Yamaguchi and Ennoshita. Tsukki sent me a strain of texts about how I should be at practice. The beanstalk has yet to apologize for blowing up at me but I don't think he's one to say sorry. That is why I'm going to be the one to mend our friendship. Of course I have the ridiculous idea to go to his home and surprise him into talking with me. That's where I'm headed to right now.

The residential street Tsukki lived on was relatively quiet and I wondered how I would start the conversation. Maybe I could just tell him it was the anniversary of when I tried to kill myself. Or maybe I can start by telling him I hear voices in my head. Neither of those sound like favorable options. I read the numbers of the houses from the street and find the one with his address.

The house is pretty. It looks large and is more of a western style with a white picket fence and grass in the front. I can see that they have a large backyard and smile as I imagine a young Tsukki laying in the grass. I wonder if he's always been tall or if he just sprouted like a weed. I stare at the door as if it would open with my gaze and breathe in deeply.

My eyes turn down and I stare at my dirty converse. I have yet to part with them even though I bought new ones. Maybe I'm more sentimental than anyone could expect. My jeans don't have holes in them and my arms are covered in bandages below my white long sleeve shirt. I left my hair loose only because I was too lazy to braid it this morning and couldn't find a hair tie. I swallow as I try to step forward and open the gate.

Tsukki could possibly yell at me and I can go back into hell. Aone would get called and I pray to god I don't have to bother him a second time. Or maybe he will forgive us, my voice offers and I know it might happen. My hand trembles as it reaches out and opens the fence. I bite my lip harder with each step forward but let it go when I find myself on the stoop. Raising a hand to knock—or rather convince myself to knock—the door opens to reveal a boy older than me by a couple of years. He doesn't notice me until he tries to step out the door and almost crushes me.

"Hello?" he asks and I can see his resemblance to my friend.

The first though difference is the chipper personality and the warm smile he gives me. His hair is a bit darker than Tsukki's blonde shag and his body is also a bit stockier. He isn't as tall in his black jeans and red shirt but I know he's going to be at least a cousin. I notice I have my mouth wide open and my hand still posed for a knock. Feeling myself turn red with embarrassment, I flail a bit and then bow slightly.

"Hello. I was wondering if Tsukki was home. I'm a friend of his," I say quickly and the boy just stands there still as stone. It isn't until I look up and find a surprised smile upon his features that I wonder what I said wrong.

"You're my brother's friend?" he asks me as he holds back the shock in his tone. I stand straighter and feel my face form into a half mean look. Why does he think I'm not Tsukki's friend? Tsukki has a lot of friends.

"Yes I am. You're Tsukki's brother?" I ask with a bit of a bite to my words. The taller boy flinches and takes a step back into the home. For a moment I think my offense might have screwed my chances but the boy opens the door wider for me to enter.

"Yes I am. Won't you come in?" he asks with a sad smile. I don't know why the smile is sad but I know I'll find out if I keep talking to the boy.

"Thank you," I reply as I enter the home. I find that the path leading inside is raised and my body wavers in the doorway as the brother closes the door. I take a small breath and whisper what has been taught to me. "Pardon my intrusion."

"I'm Akiteru," the brother elaborates and then leans down to take off his shoes. Was he going out? Shit, am I imposing?

"I don't want to be a bother," I blurt out and Akiteru looks at me with a confused expression. I bite my lip and point to his shoes as he kneels to take the second off. "If you were going out, I can just visit another time. I'll actually see him at practice tomorrow so don't feel obligated. Please."

"Oh no," he says in realization. The boy smiles at me and I don't know how this boy has a sunny personality from living with a prune like Tsukki. "I was just going to get some coffee. I'm home from college and was a bit bored."

"Okay," I breathe out in anxiety.

I nod as Akiteru motions to my shoes. I jump a bit and quickly slip my converse off. They sit next to happy beanstalk's larger ones and I follow him into the living room. The Tsukishima home is decorated in a homey kind of décor. The walls are cream and the furniture shades of tan. A six person dining room is next to the kitchen from the left of the entrance and bedrooms are farther beyond to the right of the house.

"Kei is out right now, I think with Yamaguchi, but he'll be back for lunch," Akiteru announces as we come around into the kitchen. I find a woman at the sink washing a head of lettuce and Akiteru goes closer. The woman's hair is darker blonde just like Tsukki's brother. Her jeans and rolled up blue shirt makes her appear younger than she must be. When Akiteru whispers something in her ear, she turns to me in a flash, a bright smile on her face.

"You're a friend of Kei's?" she asks me joyfully.

I nod and she puts the head of lettuce to dry on a rack. Her hands wipe at her apron and she comes closer to me. I stiffen a bit, wondering what she might do but am surprised when she embraces me. My arms go to her back and for a moment, I don't want to hug her. That is until I breathe in deeply and find she smells like lavender. My mom always smelled like lavender and soon enough I'm hugging the woman back. She lets me go after a nice squeeze and I slip away slightly longing for her presence.

"Mom, don't scare her," Akiteru scolds and I smile at the woman as she beams back at me.

"Nonsense," she tells her son and I curl my toes into the floor a bit. The woman looks back at me after her son and she exchange outstretched tongues. "So what's your name and would you like to stay for lunch?"

"I'm Katrina Hitz," I announce with a smile. Then I bow lowly and he woman jumps back in surprise. "Thank you for allowing me into your home."

"It's no problem dear," the woman says and I rise to find her delighted with my manners. Akiteru is smiling also but more in amusement than shock. The woman points to the counter of the kitchen where a breakfast bar sits along with two chairs. "Sit down and I'll make you guys some lunch."

I nod and go to the tall seat, Akiteru joining me. His mom goes back to making lunch and I watch her with quiet fascination. They're so cheery next to my melancholy Tsukki. I wonder if it's because someone hurt him. When we first met it was something about a brother that bothered him. Maybe I can find out and help him get over it. Or maybe that's a little too prying and his family will kick me out.

"So Hitz-chan, how do you know my brother?" Akiteru asks cheerfully. So damn chipper. I hold back my scowl as his mother places two iced teas in front of us. Immediately holding mine in my hand, I prepare myself for the regular questions.

"I coach the boys' volleyball team," I tell them and Tsukki's mother nods. Then her eyes widen in realization and I smile gently as she beams.

"You're the girl who lets the first years sleep over at her house. Kei is always so excited to go and I'm glad he has a friend."

"He actually is excited to come over?" I ask a little skeptically. I couldn't see Tsukki getting excited about anything. The woman nods with a small laugh. My demeanor changes a bit as I realize how warm this family is. My friend might be like a bitter grapefruit but these people are sweet oranges. My hands curl around the drink and each other as I wish my family was like this. I wish there were people I could go home to, no matter where it might be, or even how their attitudes may be.

"Why aren't you on the girl's team? I know Karasuno had one," Akiteru says and I breathe in sharply. My hand rubs my arm and I smile sadly at these two happy people.

"Between us," I begin softly, the two nodding for confirmation that it doesn't leave this conversation, "I got sick and I can't compete anymore. I haven't told the boys yet and I hope I never do."

"I'm sorry," Akiteru murmurs and I know I've soured the atmosphere. All because of my big mouth. I bite my lip harder and hold back my tears. I've hurt the boys so much and I still want to keep the truth from them.

"Oh sweetheart," a motherly voice coos. I bring my head up and am swiftly wrapped up in her arms. The woman holds me tight and I wrap my arms around her. Her hand rubs my back and I sniffle as I bring her closer. I miss my mom. So many years have gone by that I haven't felt her embrace. My parents don't comfort me and I don't bring them any consolation. But this woman can open her heart to a perfect stranger.

"Thank you," I mutter into the woman's shoulder. My hair is smoothed by her steady hand and I yearn for more. I don't let go of the woman for another moment of reassurance. Finally my arms retract and the woman steps away quickly. I look at her with a large grateful smile. "Thank you so much."

"No need to thank me," she replies as she goes back to making us lunch. Akiteru sits next to me and looks at my hands which have begun to wring on themselves.

"But you like coaching, right?" the boy asks me. His tone suggests regaining our happiness and I finally feel comfortable enough to slouch in my chair. This family is really nice.

"Yah, I love it. The boys are good and we have our tournament on Thursday, so I'm excited as well as them," I tell them with a smile. It's the truth. I love coaching. It is the best thing in the world for me. Akiteru shifts in his seat and then looks forward. I can see the pain in this eyes and wonder where he got it from. "Are you going to come see us?"

"No. I have to get back to school tomorrow and I doubt Kei would want me there," he mutters and I have confirmation that there is something wrong between him and his brother. I look forward to see his mother with a sad look. We should change the subject.

"Hitz-chan, would you like to call your parents that you're at our house? Maybe they would want to come over," she offers. Her eyes say they don't know what my life is really like. I give her a sympathetic smile and she flinches with my loneliness.

"My parents haven't lived with me in a long time Tsukishima-san," I tell her softly. She frowns and I feel even Akiteru seem angry.

"What do your parents do?" she asks in stride.

"They're international lawyers for big corporations. They mostly do the leg work in contracts so they have never really been home," I say softly. The woman's hand clenches around a wooden spoon. She looks at me even softer and I know she is an amazing woman.

"Well if you ever need anything, don't hesitate to come home with Kei. A girl shouldn't be left alone too long and you shouldn't be without parents for your high school experience. If you ever need me, you come to me. You understand?" she says strongly and I nod.

"Yes. Thank you."

As I thank the woman, I can hear the front door open and close. My feet swing off the high chair as I turn to where a person will walk through the dining room. They don't and instead they come through the other side of the kitchen. Tsukki stands flustered as he takes off his sweatshirt. His body language says he's freaking out. He hasn't noticed me and I stand still as to not startle him.

"Mom how long is it before we call the police for a missing person," Tsukki mutters as he looks to his mother. The woman grabs his shoulders and he looks down at her with fear. "I can't get Katrina to open her door. I was really bad with her one day and now I think she disappeared."

"Well," his mother starts as she gives me a quick glance. Tsukki doesn't notice and goes on with his rambling.

"She wasn't there yesterday, not there today. I don't know where she is and I don't know if she's okay. I think she was sick and she had these bandages," he rants.

The boy is worried and his scared expression wants me to take away any fear. My legs run to him and my body smashes into the large boy. Tsukki grunts and I wrap my arms around his body. I'm tiny next to his beanstalk height but I push my face into his stomach. The boy stiffens as I hug him but be gets used to my touch, arms going around me. He has never hugged me before but this is a special occasion.

"I'm sorry," I whisper and the boy squeezes me harder. He was scared for me. He cares for me and was worried about me. For all the hell that I give him, he still worries about me.

"You had me worried," he whispers and I know he was so scared. He is never this expressive but he changes with fear and sadness. I never want him to change from his snarky attitude.

"I'm sorry," I reply slowly. My arms retract and the boy waits a moment before he lets go of me too.

"I know," he says quickly and I snort. The day I hear sorry from Kei Tsukishima will be a cold day in hell. I look at him and he seems relieved. Smiling I turn to his mother to find her with a large smile.

"Well sit down you two and I'll give you some lunch. After all, you two have a tournament to win this week," Tsukki's mom proclaims with a clap of her hands. I nod and my friend ruffles my hair. I bat his hands away and things fall back into what they were.

The boys all forgave me after I apologized for my mood swing. They didn't question why I had the change in personality, but they were worried nonetheless. After a reassuring smile and a promise that I would tell them what happened if it does occur again, they buried the hatchet and we went to the Spring tournament as a team. I was ready. They were ready.

The question was, was the rest of the world ready for this murder of crows?

* * *

"Stay together and Tanaka, stop that with Noya!" I scream as we get off the bus. The boys are as they always are, rowdy boys.

Tanaka was doing something with the libero that spelled trouble. Hinata was sick to his stomach and Yamaguchi was going to join him if he gets too worked up. Asahi was white as a sheet next to his third year companions. My three second years were laughing behind me. Kageyama was next to me with Tsukki flanking my other side, both stoic; one was quiet probably from nerves and the other because I scolded in the bus for working Hinata up—guess which one was scolded (Tsukki).

"Hitz-chan," Takeda calls me as I turn around. The man and Ukai are dressed the exact same: black track suits with our club pattern on the back. His eyes were excited behind his glasses and I realize this is his first tournament too. He is going to be so excited. The man looks at me and hands me a sheet of paper. I take it and find it to be the roster of our team. But what I know is out of place is where it states head coach. They have me under the position.

"Sensei, there's a typo on this sheet. Ukai is supposed to be head and I'm assistant," I tell him with a little annoyance. They don't even put the assistant coach on the roster or the even the manager. They only have my name with the boys.

"There is no typo," Takeda replies strongly and I feel my head jolt up. I stare at the man with an open mouth. The man laughs and Ukai emerges from the bus and joins us.

"I told them that you were head because you are," Ukai announces and I feel my mouth flap open and closed. They made me head coach. I'm not even an adult. I am going to argue with Ukai but he 'tsks' and pats my shoulder. "You deserve it. With all the leg work you put in, you could be on team if you wanted. Just take it and shut up."

"Fine," I pout and the man laughs. His jacket smells like cigarettes but is covered up with air freshener. I smile at him as he passes to scold the second years. He tries as hard as me but I am this team and he's our coach. I look to my faculty director and give a smile bright enough to make him blush. "Thanks Takeda-sensei. You really are a great director too."

"You're, well, it's," the man stumbles in embarrassment, "I try."

I laugh at him and shake my head. My braid has been traded for a simple ponytail. The hair was wet when I had braided it this morning and has taken a slight wave over my black club jacket. As usual my writing stands out in blood red and my jeans are flared and holed in the knees. My feet have my converse and I breathe in deeply. This is really it. This is what we've been training for for months.

"Come on," I yell at the boys who are pushing each other. Tsukki got away from me and is antagonizing Kageyama and Hinata who seems to want to throw up. The boys stop with my voice and turn to me. No one moves and I take a deep breath before I yell out once more. "Huddle up or you're going to be running suicides until I please before we go home!"

"Yes coach!" they scream in fear. I smirk as they circle up. They gather around me and I have my usual Tsukki and Kageyama next to me. All of the boys look at me expectantly and I stick my hand out in the huddle. They follow as usual and we join fingers as I bring us closer. Their eyes hold so many emotions: happiness, excitement, fear, worry. Mine hold the same.

"I would like to tell you that I will know what will happen. But I can guarantee nothing," I announce strongly. The boys stiffen and I give a small smile. "When Daichi asked me to coach you guys, I said that I couldn't give you victory. No, you have to do it for yourselves. What I have given you, what Ukai and Takeda and even Kiyoko has given you, is a chance. A chance to win. And you can feel it in the air, can't you?"

"What?" Kageyama blurts out. I give a deep chuckle and close my eyes.

"Close your eyes," I instruct and know the boys followed me. "The air around us feels like electricity. It lights up your skin and your muscles are hot even without warming up. Your heart is already beating like a drum and you haven't run one lap. Your mouth is dry even though you just drank water. This is the feeling of yearning. This is your hunger, your want for victory. Use this feeling. Bask in this feeling. Let the feeling guide you but remember the most important thing. We all feel it with you. No one is alone in this battle. We are a team. Now tell me, who are we?"

"Karasuno," they start out. I can feel the air become even more excited. I open my eyes and they are looking at me with large grins.

"That was pathetic. Who the hell are we?" I scream.

"Karasuno!" they scream back.

"Then get ready. Ready Karasuno?" I ask snarkily. They nod and Daichi puts our hands lower. We ready ourselves and then we all yell into the air.

"Karasuno fight!"

The boys and I release our hands into the air and they jump around. There are teams around us and they stare at us with dirty looks. I stand taller and the boys become like me. We become totally cocky and our confidence oozes out. We are going to win today. By god are we going to destroy some people. I adjust my satchel strap and then go to the front of the pack. I put my head back as I lead our group, my haughty attitude just starting.

It must be such a sight. Our group of huge boys who are dressed in black like the night, walking with a small girl as the leader and with so much confidence. I give dirty looks to a team that watches from the corner and they flinch with me. I give a ferocious smile and I know my boys are following suit. The team turns away from us, whispers coming up. We approach the door and two boys are looking at the matchups.

"I think it's Karasuno. They were once a powerhouse team but now they're nothing. There's a saying about their team too," one says to the other. They have jackets from 'Ou' and I know they aren't in our block. One boy of the team we're going to face is standing in the doorway listening to them. I know his face to his stats and know he's unimpressive.

"What's the saying?" the other one asks and I tilt my head in curiosity.

"They call them the 'Fallen Powerhouse' the 'Flightless Crows'," the first replies and I snort a bit. My boys are itching for a fight but I glance back with a stern look. They straighten as they read my expression. It says, 'I'll handle this'. I step behind the two boys talking about us and they turn with a jump. I give them a blank look and then small smirk.

"They **used** to call us that," I proclaim darkly. The two boys look down at me with slight fear. I smirk even larger and turn away. "We fixed our wings and you should see how we soar now. We'll go much farther than you and I doubt with your terrible receives you'll get passed the first round."

I walk away and the boys follow. We leave the two strangers gasping for air from my verbal punch. They were a bad team. I know from the videos and now they know that we aren't to be messed with. I walk passed the boy from Tokonami and give him a wink with a slight smile. The boy stiffens and we walk in. Immediately all eyes are on us.

There are whispers of our all black wardrobe. I expected the talk about the King of the Court Kageyama, so I kept him next to me. The boy doesn't react as the whispers continue and turn to whispers about Kiyoko. Tanaka and Nishinoya put a stop to those words. I listen to the rest of grumbles and know no one has done their homework like I have—well maybe Oikawa but he doesn't count.

Then others are talking about Asahi and Nishinoya. They're the two that are more well-known. Asahi is known for being a five-year high school student who deals drugs and is in a gang. Nishinoya is our legendary libero. But somehow there are whispers of Germany and I listen in to one group. I stop the boys for a second and they talk amongst themselves, excited to play.

"She's the head coach. She was Germany's national prodigy," one says to another.

"What is she doing here?"

"It's said that she had a breakdown and she shamed her country. They won't even take her back."

I feel my eye twitch. Kageyama lays a hand on my shoulder and I look up at him. His face says that he's heard it all. Don't let it bother you Katrina. I turn forward and begin to walk us again. We have to go to the gym and I want to have enough time to see how they set it up. Lord knows that I want to get away from the rumors that say my country barred me from entrance. Hinata runs next to me and I know he's going to embarrass himself. But his face is so happy that I can't help but stop the smile that makes my cheeks hurt. Kageyama has that smile that he gets when he doesn't think he's being watched while he's looking at Hinata endearingly. I wonder something but don't get to process it as I see Hinata go straight to a boy with a t-shirt like Nishinoya likes to wear with enthusiastic sayings.

"Hinata Shoyo," I bark out. The ginger freezes and then all eyes are on the girl with the slight accent. I glare at them and they go back to their business as my friend skips to my side. He looks at me happily and I ruffle his hair. "Don't stray from the group. You get lost too easily."

He nods and gives a grunt of affirmation while he goes back to staring around. His first tournament with a formal high school team will no doubt go down in his memory as one of happiness moments. It's going to go down as one of mine too. I look around and we head to the gym. We stand in the doorway and I listen to the sound of volleyballs hitting the wood. It sounds like home.

"It smells like Air Salonpas," Hinata says in wonder. I look at him and then Kageyama opens his mouth to say something critical.

"Everything smells like Air Salonpas to you," I tell Hinata with a laugh. The boy looks at me and his eyes are wide with amazement.

"It's the smell of tournaments," Hinata proclaims and I snort. Nishinoya comes up to us and is excited also.

"I know, right?" he asks as he tries to contain his bundle of energy. I shake my head in a loving manner as I feel people watching us. My body immediately turns into attack mode and in turn to the left of our group. My heart sinks a bit before it gets hot with the boy leading the pack. It's Date Tech's team and they're lead by Aone. For a moment I freeze and don't know what to do. It feels like I'm being pulled in two, one way towards Aone, another holding me back with my boys. I thank Hinata's big mouth for once and I don't have to speak first.

"It's Aone-san!" he yells and then goes towards the team. I stand still as do the rest of the boys. They don't know Aone and the first years that do, aren't going to play nicely—except of course Hinata who is too excited about everything. Aone looks down at Hinata who is bouncing a bit and then looks at me for help. I crack a smile as I discern Aone's slightly flustered frown and walk to grab my middle blocker. Grabbing Hinata by the collar, I drag him back and he groans at me.

"Give people room Hinata. Remember what we've said about personal bubbles," I chide him and he groans again.

"Katrina, I thought you would be happy to see him," he whines and I push him behind me.

"I am," I whisper but know that Aone caught it.

Looking back up at the boy he looks down with a slight tinge of pink in his neck. We're just gazing at each other until the boy to his right steps forward and comes to our side. I know who he is from the videos. He's a second year with an attitude for provoking fights. I know I'm going to fall for whatever he's going to try to bait us with but at the same time, I know that it will be justified.

"So this is your secret friend," Futakuchi says a teasing tone and I feel my blood rush to my neck. My head snaps to him and I give a slight glare. The boy's eyes widen and then he smirks. "She's a little fiery. You chose well, all the more satisfying."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Asahi says as he steps to our other side.

He stares at the brown haired boy with a glare and I look at Aone with an apologetic look. He has the same one on his face and we are caught in between a staring contest. Asahi isn't going to step down and I know that he is overprotective of me. The third year won't back down and for once he's not nervous like I would think he would be.

It could be because this is Date Tech and they were the reason that Asahi wouldn't play. But ever since he saved me from Gilbert, he hasn't let anyone say anything out of line with me. The boys don't move and I'm starting to get worried. For a moment I think I'm going to have to get ruthless but it isn't until the small captain of the other team comes to the rescue.

"Stop that," he stutters as he pulls Futakuchi by the arm. The boy looks at Asahi with a cocky grin and Asahi doesn't back down. "Aone, help me please."

Aone grabs his teammate and pushes him behind him. Asahi looks at me and then puts a hand on my shoulder. I allow the boy to turn me away from Aone but I look back at the boy. He looks after me and the other boys on the team push me towards the gym door. I don't lose the chocolate brown eyes until the very last second and even then, I have the urge to run back towards them. I hope he isn't mad. I hope I don't lose Aone.

"Sawamura," a voice calls out and I see that it's the boy from Tokonami.

Daichi goes to him and then looks at me. I follow him out of the gym—a glare at the rest of the boys to stay put—and see that Date Tech hasn't left completely. Aone is being dragged by the captain but is looking back my way. My heart skips as he pulls against his captain. I watch the third year captain named Moniwa look at me from down the hall. He smiles a bit and then lets go of Aone. I take a step but am held back by a hand around my wrist. Turning I find Daichi is worried and staring at Aone.

"Remember what I told you. It's his choice," he tells me as he glances at the boy. He gives Aone a death glare but the boy starts walking towards us. I look at Daichi and smile gently. He lets go of my hand and I walk away from my captain. My legs hold themselves back from running to Aone and I smile even larger as we get closer. When we finally meet in the middle I have to hold myself back from putting my arms around him.

"Hey," I breathe out and Aone smiles his serious smile.

A heartbeat goes by before worry starts to gnaw my insides. I know that if we both win our first matches that we'll play against each other. I bite my lip and Aone senses my worry. He reaches out for my hand and I quickly grab it as it searches for mine. I hold it tightly and can feel the callouses on this right palm of his. They got on his skin from countless days of practice which will only be ruined when my boys tear them up.

I look at Aone's chest and read the words on his club jacket a million and one times. Why does it have to be in blue? Why does his jacket have to be white? Why do I have to wear black? Why? Why? I can feel my teeth sink into my lip as I bite it hard. Aone brings my hand up and presses it to his cheek. I look at him and his face says that he's scared too. I try to smile reassuringly to take the fear away but can't seem to do it with him. The fact is that I can't lie to this boy anymore because I care about him too much to hurt him with false feelings.

"Remember your promise," I whisper to him. Aone scrunches his eyes as he blinks hard. I know he doesn't like this just as much as me. We don't want to lose each other. My chest feels hot and I can't seem to take in deep breaths. But I wiggle my hand out of and then raise myself to my toes as I rub my thumb over his cheek. My thumb is not as soft as his skin and I yearn for more. But there can be no more. "You don't hold back; you understand? You can't let yourself or me regret us not playing for our teams. We'll figure the rest out, okay?"

Aone grunts as he nods his head. He looks at me with such a sad look that I know I have to leave. If I don't, I'm just going to end up breaking before anything starts and I can't do that to my boys. We both have our missions. We both know what we're supposed to do. So I take my hand away from him and turn, walking away with my face held forward. What I don't expect is when I enter the gym door for my boys to be waiting, listening to our conversation.

They give me sly looks and I feel my worry be replaced by excitement and hidden embarrassment. My face gains a smile and the boys all push me forward to lead them as they tremble with energy. This is where I need to be right now. I have to be leading the pack, not crying how my mate is on the other side. I file away my sadness for another time and begin to walk again. The boys talk excitedly behind me and I'm joined by a certain second year.

"So that was your boyfriend," Ennoshita says quietly and I stomp my foot on the wood floor like a child.

"We've gone over this!" I yell hysterically. A blush comes to my face with the thought that Aone just heard what Ennoshita said. I turn around too quickly to be calm and see that Aone hasn't followed us in. Thank god for that. The last thing I would want to do right now is step on ice to make the crack that will form from what is to come. I begin to walk again but know that I'm not going to be let off the hook that easily.

"He has no eyebrows," Tanaka laughs out. I blush a bit more and then punch his non hitting arm. He whimpers in an attempt to make me feel sorry for him but I just roll my eyes.

"Come on, we have to warm up," I tell them with a sigh. They cheer and I immediately grin again.

The normal routine of game preparation begins. Hinata of course has to go to the bathroom. I send Yamaguchi with him just to be safe. Kiyoko puts the banner up with Takeda, not revealing it just yet. Tanaka and Nishinoya try to get out of running only to be yelled at by yours truly. Daichi comes back from his discussion with his old friend. Suga calms down Asahi who is hyperventilating when a security guard looks at him funny. Ukai has finally made his way to us, having gone to confirm everything about our team and pay some fees we were a little late on. The game is going to start in five minutes and I'm ready.

It isn't until Ukai is called by the official who has glasses too thick to actually see anything and to be overseeing this game, that I get a bit peeved. I have tried to avoid staring across the gym at Aone and his team but this only leads me to have a bit of a sour attitude. It isn't until I hear the annoying voice of some preppy guy from the stands that I crack. Oikawa hangs off the railing and I know that they are going to have a pass this round.

"Oi, Tobio-chan, Chibi-chan, how are the freak duo?" he asks my first years. I huff as I push the two boys back onto the court for receiving warmups and then I turn to the Grand King.

"Don't distract them," I hiss at Oikawa and he merely laughs a bit. He puts his hand to his cheek and smiles a dazzling smile that only makes me roll my eyes.

"And how are you, dear Germany's best?" he asks in a low voice. I glare as I know that my secret is going to get out. There was no way it wouldn't. They made me head coach and because of that, everyone saw my name when they looked at my team. "Everyone is talking about you."

"And they can keep talking as long as it doesn't distract my boys. Now go away," I spew. Oikawa opens his mouth to say something even more vile until his ace hits him in the back of the head.

"Stop flirting," Iwaizumi tells his setter. I look at the ace and bark out a laugh.

"As if I would flirt with someone like him," I proclaim as Oikawa rubs his head.

"Iwa-chan, that hurt," the boy whines and I turn away. Walking back to the bench, I stand next to Kiyoko. She gives me a happy smile and I watch the boys with an equal expression. Ukai comes back to me and has a trademark frown that spells trouble.

"What's wrong?" I ask swiftly. The man looks a bit surprised that I noticed his attitude but sighs as he rubs his eye.

"You should go talk to the official. He has something to tell you," he mutters and I raise an eyebrow.

The man just nods his head towards the glasses man without giving any more information. I shrug my shoulders and then go to him. The official glances at me and then goes back to the paper he's checking, no doubt our starting formation and everyone's places on the court at first whistle. I cough to get his attention and he sighs as he puts the paper down and looks at me.

"I already told your coach, you can only have one girl manager on the bench at one time. Don't come pleading with me to stay," he snips and I make a confused face. Girl manager? He thinks I'm a girl manager? My face turns into an angry scowl and I don't hold my rage back.

"First of all," I start off and the man looks at me with a surprised face, "I am not a manager. I have never been one and won't ever be a manager."

"Excuse me?" he blurts out in shock and then it leads to boiling anger.

"Next I am already aware of the rules of who is allowed on the bench during official matches. It is four total: two coaches—one head and one assistant—one school appointed director, and one manager of the team."

"Then if you already know—"

"Lastly if you already knew or read our roster instead waiting until the last possible moment," I hiss darkly, "you would have read that Katrina Hitz is head coach of this team and that I indeed have a seat on the bench. So if you would excuse me, I am going to coach my team, as is my duty."

I huff and stomp away from the man who is speechless. Everyone within earshot looks at me with wide eyes and opened mouths. They can't believe I just told off an official. My anger simmers quietly and I make my way next to Ukai. The man looks at me and I just wave him off, him turning back to yell at the boys. He knows that I took care of it. There is no need to double check what my actions were because I am sure that he wouldn't like them.

The whistle blows, captains going to meet in the middle of the court and I notice our banner has been let down to view it's full glory. It makes me proud to see all of Kiyoko's hard work add up to something so beautiful. The girl stands next to me and I bump her shoulder with mine. She looks at me and when she finds my large grin, she blushes and then looks back to the court.

I giggle a bit and the boys go to line up. I look across at the court next to us and see Aone looking my way. I smile softly at him and he stands taller than before as he nods. Kiyoko bumps her shoulder into mine while giving me a knowing smile. I roll my eyes at her and the gym becomes quiet. Takeda stands next to Ukai and I look at him to find his excited expression. This is an amazing moment, the start of all things. I love it.

I look out as the gym is so quiet, you can hear a pin drop. My heart beats hard within my chest and I pick my head up a bit to show the world that Katrina Hitz is here. It didn't even bother me to step into this gym. I'm not afraid of the game anymore. I may still be afraid of playing—a fear that I doubt will ever leave me—but here I am, standing when the world seems to stop spinning.

The voices in my head aren't even whispering as I hear the silence. For once, I am who I want to be. Looking at my boys, they are all that I have seen them become. I couldn't have given them a better chance with what I had done, than what they are now. In the silence, I watch their hopes and dreams become reality as they stand on that court to battle.

The whistle blows and I can hear the chant of "let's play fill the air". I don't even remember what Ukai said when the boys come in or that Takeda even gives a speech. I'm still holding onto the silence and praying that what I have done is enough. I can't battle with them on that stage. I can never stand where they stand, but I can stand behind them as I lift them up. A hand holds my shoulder and I come back to reality.

"What are we going to start with?" Daichi asks and I grin ferociously at him.

"My heart is saying to destroy them but my brain is saying to hide our aces," I tell them. The boys wait for their orders and I look at the team across the court. I could break them down so badly that they would be in tears. But they aren't strong enough to withstand that and a loss will be enough to hurt them. I turn back to the boys with my decision. "Run the Star formation and only use Hinata when necessary after you show them the quick. Use it soon to scare them and to let everyone know we are strong."

The boys nod and then bring their hands in. I hold mine next to them and we chant our 'Karasuno fight' once more. The boys head out there and I watch their fleeting backs. Today is the day. They stand on their spots before the ball is handed to the other side. The first game whistle blows and I watch the ball fly across the gym. Kageyama starts our first point with a kill from Tanaka. They cheer and Daichi has to calm them down. I smile and shake my head as I stand at the bench. My legs quiver with anticipation and I can't seem to make myself sit down.

Tanaka goes into back row and serves after that, us winning the point with Asahi driving the ball into the wood after a save by Noya. The third point is the one that is the pivotal moment in the entire tournament. Kageyama looks at me as Tanaka serves and I give a nod. The ball is received and then there is an attempt to spike, Daichi recovering it quickly.

Kageyama has sure hands as he sets for the ginger. The ball is up and Hinata is flying in the air. I watch my boy as the ball hits his hand. I watch him as the echo is heard throughout the loud gym. Everyone turns to us as the echo of the ball hitting the court is even louder than the initial hit. Hinata descends to the ground with invisible wings and his feet are the only sound anyone hears. My hand is in a fist and I bring it up. For a moment I bask in the silence before I make my proclamation.

"Who are we?" I ask the boys in the silence with a boom of my voice. They all look back at me with wide eyes and large smiles.

"Karasuno!" they yell and the gym erupts into cheers. Even those who weren't rooting for us are excited now. The powerhouse team has arisen. The flightless crows are soaring. I feel my eyes are burning with happiness and raw energy, electricity flowing through me.

"We are the murder of crows," I whisper as the gym becomes deafening. "Fear us."

* * *

 **Hey everybody. I hope everyone had a merry Christmas or what ever you may celebrate or not celebrate. Mine was pretty good. I got new video games and am addicted. It's not very helpful for writing though. But I am on vacation from work because I pulled double shifts for a week, so I get a week off, yay. I hope everyone has a happy new year and that 2016 will be full of surprises. I know this chapter was a bit of a surprise. I was writing it and then i was like, let's add this. I hope it isn't weird. The beginning I really wanted to add because I didn't want to kill Tsukki's and Katrina's relationship. I like that she worries about him and even if he doesn't really mean to, he worries about her. Thank you to everyone who comments. You guys rock! Especially you who I get feedback from each week. It really is motivating and I appreciate everything you guys do to make me know how you like the story. Thank you!  
**

 **So as always, follow, fave, review, obsess, (LOVES YOUS GUYS!)**


	23. We Won

**Chapter Twenty-three: We Won  
**

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" **Winning isn't everything-but wanting to win is."**

― **Vince Lombardi Jr.**

" **There is nothing in this life that can destroy you but yourself. Bad things happen to everyone, but when they do, you can't just fall apart and die. You have to fight back. If you don't, you're the one who loses in the end. But if you do keep going and fight back, you win."**

― **Alexandra Monir, Timeless**

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I stood at the sidelines as my team was wrapping up the second set of our first match. So far, the gym had all their eyes on us, watching the fallen titans rise from the ashes. During the match I looked for Seijoh's coaches in the stands. They were watching us intently and I know they are trying to dissect my team and my players. I laughed at their faces when they met my eyes and smile knowingly, as if they knew what my team really was. No one knew their true potential. No one knew just how good they have gotten.

"Katrina," Nishinoya calls me as he comes off the court.

I look to my libero and find a bright smile. He stands by my side and watches the court with me, though when I follow his eyes, he's not looking at our game. He's looking across the gym as Aone pounds a ball into the wood. I swallow as he wipes the sweat from his brow and then the handsome boy turns to me. My breath catches as he gives me a small smile and stands even straighter, proud that I caught his amazing kill.

"You're awestruck," Yamaguchi teases me on my other side. Noya laughs a second time as we get another point, his time to walk back out delayed.

"And it's mutual," Nishinoya bellows and I give him a sharp glare.

Aone doesn't seem to want to turn away from me, his setter grabbing his arm. I can't help suppress the happiness that comes from the boy seeking me out in a crowd and I give him a proud smile. Time stops until we're both jarred to reality by our teammates, me by Yamaguchi and Aone by his captain. I feel happiness that couldn't be measured even if I was cut off from him.

"Katrina," Yamaguchi pulls my arm. I look at him and he has an amused expression. I feel the blush rush to my face and turn to check the score. We just need one point to win. Gaining a devious smile, I wave at the official. He looks at me and I grab Yamaguchi, dragging him to the table.

"Can I have a substitution?" I ask them and they nod. A whistle is blown and I motion for Tsukki to come off the court. He bounces the ball once and then hands it to Daichi. The third year boy gives me a quizzical look and I smile largely. Then I push Yamaguchi onto the court. He stumbles forward and then looks back at me nervously.

"But, but, but—" he blubbers and Tsukki pats his shoulder.

"But what? You're being trained to be a pinch server, so go pinch serve," I laugh. Yamaguchi shakes and the official blows the whistle at me. He looks at me from behind his glasses and frowns. I give a pleading look and don't have to yell at my first year when I turn to him. Instead Tanaka has set Yamaguchi at the serving line and has handed him the ball. The sphere falls out of his trembling hands and I huff.

Yamaguchi looks at me with a frightened expression but I'm trying to be supportive. Behind me I hear Oikawa laughing. I quickly spin around with a vicious look. The brown haired pretty boy jumps back and that ace of his stands to defend his setter. It isn't until I hear the whistle signaling my boy's serve that I release them from my glare. When I turn, Yamaguchi is still breaking down but he's taking his steps to make a jump serve.

And for a moment, I wish that I was out there. I wish that Yamaguchi saw how wonderful it was to stand there and have that power and to have the attention of the world on you. But I take it back a heartbeat after I feel the jealousy. If I was there it would only be a crude reminder that I wasn't the same. And I know when that ball brushes the top of the net, Yamaguchi wants to be anywhere else but there. That is until it barely crosses and falls to the floor. We get the point and I'm so relieved.

The boys erupt into cheers and we bring home our first win of the tournament. I smile largely and can feel the sadness from the other side. It's very different to have orchestrated a win and not actually participate it. Here I don't have the same pride but I feel proud for my boys. They go to shake the other kids' hands and I hear the cheers from the court across from us. Date tech celebrates their win and I don't know what to feel.

I feel happy for Aone. I feel hatred for our situation. I feel scared because he will leave.

Kiyoko grabs my hand and I turn from staring at the ground. She knows what I will have to do and her eyes give me sympathy. I can't brood about my own problems for long. The boys are in front of me and I allow Ukai to tell them all that they did correctly. After he tells them what they need to hear, they turn to me with expectation. I give the boys a small smile and they beam at me.

"Well congratulations! You have won your first game at a tournament," I say excitedly. The boys all cheer and I smirk a bit. "I suggest you guys keep this up if we're going to go to the top. So warm down and make me proud like you just have."

"Yes," they reply overjoyed. They run off to go warm down and I feel my smile slip off my face. Ukai is suddenly next to me and I know from his scowl that he's watching the opponent of our next game. I cross my arms and suddenly feel my chest constricting. It's getting hard to breathe. I have to calm down. I grab Ukai's arm and he looks down at me with a guarded face.

"Watch the boys. I'm going to go get some air," I tell him and he opens his mouth to reject. I let go of his arm and begin to walk away. "I'll be back for warmups."

My mind gets lost with the deafening sounds of competition. My hair swings around and I feel the voices creeping up on me. I run out of the gym and turn to the left, finding steps. I climb three floors before I come up to the service entrance of the roof. The door opens to my surprise and I take in gulps of air. My lungs are suddenly on fire and I look up to the sky for relief. It doesn't come and I feel the tears come to my eyes.

I'm going to lose the only person in the world that knows me. I'm going to lose the only person who I have ever been strong enough to let in. I am going to hurt him and I can't bear to see him hurt. Why do I have to be what I am? He is perfect and I should let him go but I can't stand to be without him. I'm going to lose him. I'm going to lose Aone.

The door that I just came from bursts open and it reveals the last person I want to see, though it makes my heart leap. Aone is out of breath and he crosses the small distance to me. I bite my lip as he stands in front of me, sweat making his hair stick to his forehead. His face has on a frown and I know that he's wondering why he followed me. He is still so handsome and I look at his jersey in anger. Why does it have to be fucking white and teal? I hate this. I hate everything about this.

"I hate this," I spit out and the boy stiffens.

The boy scowls harder and I feel terrible about him finding me. Maybe I shouldn't have been saved by him. My lip trembles with fear as I think about losing the boy and Aone changes. He bends down to have his face looking directly into mine. His eyes are wide and worried and I try to smile even though the adrenaline is leaving me and my legs can't seem to stop shaking.

"I'm right here," Aone whispers and I nod shakily. He doesn't say anything else as I reach out again to him. Am I weak for needing him to hold me? Am I weak because I need him more than he could ever really imagine?

I don't know but the boy wraps me up in his hold nonetheless. My heels rise as the boy straightens and crushes me to his body. Feet leaving the ground completely, I realize Aone was scared too. I know even without him telling me. I know that he's scared of losing me too. Dear god, let me keep him, please don't make him leave me.

"I think I—"

I silence my words before they could be realized. I can't think like that. I can't tell him that. If I tell him that then he wouldn't leave me if he really wanted to. The boy kisses the side of my head and I blush. I hold him harder before we both realize that we have to let each other go. Our arms and hearts are reluctant but our brains know better, untangling us and our emotions. I stand away from the boy a moment after and smile gently at him.

"We should go start warming up," I tell him. Aone tries to smile but we're both unsure of what will happen after we play. I grab his hand out of weakness and lead him off the roof. We walk slowly down the steps, praying that when we meet our teams that everything would just well, not be like it is. But we do get to the ground floor and we have to let go and have to face our fears and have to deal with everything on our own—because no one but each other will understand what is really going on.

And I would like to believe that I told Aone just how much he meant to me or that I spilled my heart and dying fears to him right then and there. But these things didn't happen. I didn't tell him we would be okay. I didn't tell him that I had feelings for him that I couldn't really name or the fact that I was scared by how badly I needed him and how happy he made me feel. No, I just walked away from him without turning back.

My mind was numb with fear after that. I didn't register how long it took for us to get back onto the court to warm up. All I knew was that the boys were running their drills and Aone was on the other side of that flimsy little net with a half scared, half determined look. My boys were so excited and I had the knowledge of just how to take down Date Tech. And when the boys came in for the huddle right before the start of the game, I told them just how.

"What's the plan to beat your boyfriend?" Tsukki snickers and it hits the resounding nerve. I give him a sad smile and the boy flinches with me lying down and not fighting.

"Combinations plays are going to be the trick. So, you're going to have to stay away from the star rotation and start using dumps," I tell Kageyama. The genius boy nods and I look to our middle blockers. Hinata is bouncing with excitement and I grin a bit. "You have to be the decoys. That means you actually have to try Tsukki."

"Can I do quicks?" Hinata asks as he raises a hand. Tsukki only rolls his eyes at my teasing tone. I nod at the boy and then turn to Tanaka and our ace.

"You're not going to have quicks until we get fifteen points. If we start off with just using you guys regularly but with the quicks being decoys they'll learn that quicks are only used for decoys and then it'll throw them off," I tell them. Turning lastly to Daichi and Nishinoya, I smile larger, wishing I could be out there to receive. But you're not out there, my voice tells me. "We're going to be blocked. They read arms like crazy so come in when there's a spiker going up, even if you don't know who's going to hit it."

"Where's the weak places for serves?" Kageyama mutters as he looks at their team. I snap my fingers to have him look at me and he whips his attention back on the group. My heart constricts as I form the words on my lips.

"The taller they are, the worse they are at receiving," I tell the boys with a bite. Anger is coming up because I have to tell my boys these things. They will not lose because of my heart. They will not lose because I am weak. They all nod and I put my hand out. All of the boys join my fingers and theirs and I just breathe in and out. They breathe with me and I smile widely. "Go out there and make me proud. I'll call a timeout if we need to change, but just keep the receives up and be smart."

"Ready?" Daichi asks and the boys all nod. Their excitement penetrates me and I convince myself that if I lose Aone, I will live on. For these boys, I will live on.

"Karasuno fight!" we yell and then the whistle sounds for them to go out there. We let go of one another and the starters go out to fight. I watch their backs with pride and smile even though the pit in my stomach brings up the voices. The boys keep me rooted and I find Kiyoko at my side. She looks over and examines my emotions while I just keep my whole look guarded. She bumps into my side and I turn to her.

"He'll be fine," she mutters encouragingly and I smile at her attempt to reassure me. I bump her shoulder back and then look out as the boys are ready to receive. Daichi looks at me and I look at the server, knowing he's one of their better jump servers. I nod to him and he nods back, getting even lower. And with my secret message exchanged, the ball is hit and the game has started.

The ball goes to Daichi and he receives perfectly, ball up for Kageyama. I watch as the ball is almost to his hands and Hinata flies through the air. Aone is watching my ginger with intensity and they all know the ball is going to him except that it isn't. Instead my genius remembers my words and dumps the ball on the first point. The gym is quiet and Kageyama looks to me. I give him a thumbs up and he smiles.

"That was weird," Suga says behind me. I shrug and Kageyama goes to serve.

"It makes them second guess their blocking. With the plays we're going to run and their read blocking, I want them to overthink things. I want them to think they have us figured out before we mess with their heads," I tell Suga with a merry voice. My boys will win if I lead them correctly. I know they will.

Kageyama serves and he has such a great jump serve but terrible aim, hitting it to the libero. The libero gets it up and Aone spikes the ball at us but my libero isn't shabby either. Noya has it up by the skin of his teeth and Tanaka takes the ball. And here is the play I designed if this should ever happen. No one calls for the ball and Tanaka bumps it to the center, both Daichi and Asahi going for it at the same time, a tunnel like I learned from Nekoma. Asahi takes it and Aone and Futakuchi put up the block only for him to lob it right over their hands. We get a second point.

Date Tech looks at us and they are so confused. They are meant to block spikes and we have yet to actually spike the ball. They're useless when defending against something that we aren't even doing. Asahi pats Noya on the back and all the boys are talking excitedly, a clear difference from the silence moments before. In a moment of weakness, I look at the other side to find the coach staring at me intently. I give him a small wave and then turn to my boys with a grin.

"Katrina," Ukai calls me. I turn to the blonde and he looks at me while pointing to the other side. I can see the coach brought their libero in more and I grin even larger. They're so predictable. Kageyama looks at me as he gets the ball and I put up three fingers. He nods and we start again.

The ball is received by them and Futakuchi goes up for a spike. He attempts to be cute and dump it to our center but our captain is closer in like I told him to be, getting it up to Kageyama. Hinata calls for the ball and is up for the spike on the left side. But as the ball is tossed that way, Tanaka is at the middle hitting the ball before it could be a quick for the first year, free of blockers. It hits the back of the court where there should have been a libero but there isn't. The game is a shutdown with us leading 3-0. And the other coach calls for a timeout early.

"Okay so are we going to stick to the plan?" Daichi asks as the boys come in. I hand our ace some water and he drinks a bit, my boys having better stamina than a lot of teams. I peek at the other coach to find him looking at me. He wants to see if I'm going to speak to change our plans. I smile deviously as I raise an eyebrow. He stiffens but smirks back at me. It's like we're playing a chess match without knowing just where the pieces are being moved.

"I want you to keep up the fakes but switch to only when we're serving. It's time to actually try to spike, so are you ready big guy?" I ask our ace. The boy grabs his arm and blanches a bit.

"Of course I am," he stutters and I pat his arm reassuringly.

Then I send them back out there, heads held high while the cheers from Date Tech's fans raise into the air. They're cheering harder to raise their spirits but it isn't an issue of spirits, no, this is all strategy. Kageyama starts the game off again and Aone drives the ball into the wood. They serve and our receives are second nature. Kageyama finally sets for Tanaka and the boy goes full force with a spike. To get through the block, the libero gets it up and we're trying to receive a ball spiked by Aone.

I watch as the tall boy flies through the air and I know the videos didn't do his talent any justice. His arm swings around and I have been listening to Ukai enough with his vast knowledge of spiking that it's perfect form. And for a moment, it feels like he's the strongest man in the world. I wish he wasn't on the other side but he is. I watch as Hinata goes up with him and my ginger has blocked him faster than ever. We get the point and Hinata turns to me to get approval, my heart clenching to know I am going to be happy for Aone's failure. But I'm not Aone's coach and I give my small giant a proud smile.

So the game goes on much like how it started. For every point Date Tech got, we got two. They were beginning to shut us down when we rounded out the fifteen-point mark but then with my orders, they were left jarred and confused. My eyes avoided my friend and Hinata was blocked every now and then but with my plays, was able to get points. The first set was won with a score that we were leading by seven. My boys came in and Tsukki watched me carefully as I had my back to Aone. The boy's brown eyes were too determined to keep up my resolve.

"They've caught onto our combination plays," Ukai tells the team. The boys nod with understanding and Ukai takes the lead for this second match. "Therefore, we will not have any more combination plays."

"What?" Yamaguchi blurts out. I look at Ukai and know where he's going with our tactics. We don't want the rest of the world to know just how we run our formations. We already have won one set and if we lose this one, we'll go into a third, so we can get by on the skin of our teeth. As it was, Seijoh has been watching us carefully and I hope that they haven't really taken notice of every nuance we do. But there is still an ace that I hold. It might be rusty and falling apart, but the double setter setup was something to be contended with.

"We're going to just play volleyball. No tricks or quicks or anything else. We'll keep the dumps and our formation for a chance ball but, we're going to spike hard. You will get blocked, so be prepared and I want everyone ready for a block receive. Remember, their team likes to make the game fast. They want us to try to keep up with them and they want to fluster us. Play at your speed," Ukai commands and I watch the excitement on the boy's faces.

Even though this is something that we can't lose at, they still find the joy in the game. It makes me happy that they still play just because this is fun for them. Often people get so wrapped up in the game, in winning, that they forget why they started to play in the first place. Tsukki who has been watching me when he gets the chance, makes a frown as I give him questioning look.

"What you want?" I ask him in a teasing tone. The boy scoffs and looks across the net.

"You never told us your boyfriend was this good. He's a force to be reckoned with," the blonde says blandly. I roll my eyes at him and he just drinks some water.

"You didn't need to know and we've gone over what our relationship is before, so please stop saying he's my boyfriend. He doesn't like me and certainly won't after we beat them," I reply with a sad smile. Everyone goes out there but Tsukki stays by my side as Nishinoya is in for him in the back row. The blonde snorts and then snickers evilly.

"Why do you have to be so pessimistic? You don't know why he's even playing and if he really wants to win," he tells me in a voice that suggests he knows all. But there is something from his words that causes me to flinch.

"Of course he wants to win. Why wouldn't you want to win?" I ask the boy with a hiss. Tsukki looks at me from the side of his glasses and then back out to the court. The game starts but I know that Ukai is taking care of the boys. I tell them the game plan and now Ukai can take care of them while I make sure that they aren't catching up to our plans. The blonde next to me, switches his weight on his legs and I feel the brooding atmosphere from him.

"It's only a club," he mutters lowly and I give him a dirty look. My friend gives me a scowl and I hit him in the stomach. He clutches his stomach in slight annoyance and I lick my teeth with anger. What the hell is he saying? He's still with that idea that this is only just a club. I still haven't lit the flames of passion in this damn beanstalk. God, I hope that he won't give up out there when he's blocked. He has no backbone right now and I can't take it.

"You say that again and I'll cut your tongue out. For the rest of us, this is more than just an afternoon past time," I tell him strongly. Tsukki gives me a 'tsk' and I ball my hands up as I put my arms across my chest. "Look at Nishinoya. He is legendary. He is the best libero in the prefecture. He can make a career if he wanted to, you know, go to a university and even the Olympics."

"But—"

"Daichi and Asahi and Suga have been doing this for three years. They don't just see this as something that they do for fun. They want to win out there because they have lost and they're hungry for the victory," I go on.

"I know but—"

"The mere fact that Kageyama is known as a genius in this sport means that there is more to it than just a hobby. People aren't genius knitters or stamp collectors. Hinata has such a natural talent for this sport and that makes him want to perfect his attacks so he can go farther and farther and farther until he reaches the top—under what circumstance, he will go even higher and be lost to the rest of us."

"And what do you think about the sport?" the boy asks quietly. I watch as a ball goes out, our point lost to our opponents. For the moment, we can't pull away and the score stands with an even three points each. I watch as Futakuchi serves and Asahi receives it nicely. Hinata goes up as Kageyama touches it for only a second, godlike quick accomplished with Aone a second too late. He's second guessing himself and that is what is making him slow; Aone might never get flustered but there is a price to pay for that perk, the over-analytical mind questioning every action.

"I think I'll tell you guys," I mutter to Tsukki. The boy looks at me with a surprised face and I smile at him. "I think that I should tell you just who I am."

"Tsukishima, you're in," Noya yells as he comes off the court.

I push the beanstalk onto the court and see Hinata at the serving line. The blonde's face is still a little shocked when Hinata serves the ball too close to the back line to be comfortable. He still sucks at serving and he still can't receive well in the back row. Right now, Noya isn't in and we might lose the point if Aone aims at Hinata. There's nothing to really worry about because they decide to attack with their third year middle blocker. He has a good spike but I have drilled Daichi to be ready for this when Noya isn't in.

Our captain receives and Kageyama gives the ball to Asahi. The third year goes up against two blockers but he shows his worth. He breaks the wall and I can see his pride when he lands again. The large boy examines his hand and Kageyama goes to him—no doubt to check if he liked that set or not. Asahi gestures as he gets nervous and I crack a smile. They still manage to have fun when our opponents are breathing down our neck.

Though they aren't closing the gap between points. I call a timeout to get control of the game before we lose our slow pace. The score sits at 18 to 14 and I check the rotation. Right now, Tanaka is in the back row and I grab Ennoshita. The second year looks at me in slight nervousness but doesn't say a thing as I pull him to the score table. With my movement to the middle of the sidelines, I catch a phrase from the other team.

"You didn't tell us she was this brutal. She must play even more cutthroat than she coaches, though she can't play anymore," a voice mutters and I stiffen. My jaw clenches and I hold back the voices that enter my mind. It takes me too long to notice that I'm just standing in front of the table while I hold the second year's hand. Trying to blink the voices out of my mind, I shake my head and put my other hand to clench into a fist, driving my nails into my palm. The pain is slight but it helps me to perform this slight function.

"I'm going to have a substitution when they go back out. He's going in for number five," I tell them. The official nods and I take the boy back to the team. They look at me expectantly and when the whistle sounds, I hold Tanaka back from walking out. "You're going to rest a bit. You'll go in for front row when the rotation goes around."

"Aww, but I'm not tired!" the boy complains loudly. I smirk at him and then poke his side.

"Yah right. You skip a lap while running and it shows with your stamina. Go get some water in you," I tell him and he groans loudly.

He isn't as angry as I thought he would be and I watch him walk to Kiyoko, only to catch a slight bounce in his step. He's favoring his right leg almost unconsciously but I can tell in the way the left one swings around that it's giving him trouble. God, I knew something was wrong with that damn leg. It doesn't help that he jumps for every ball. I'm going to have to get him a knee brace or something or even wrap his leg in tape. I don't trust injuries.

My attention turns back to the game at hand I know that putting Ennoshita in the back was a good decision. This fact becomes lost as I get tunnel vision as we gain more ground. The voices are just behind the concentration and I know that I have to take my pills. My head rolls and I crack my neck as a hard wave comes over me and I close my eyes. I hear the slap of a ball and catch Aone making a kill, looking to his captain for approval. The small setter says something that is comforting and I try to avert my eyes. It doesn't really work.

With the score 24 to 18, Aone catches my eyes and he frowns a bit. I don't try to give him a smile because this is anything but happy and I can't tell him honestly that I wouldn't make this decision every time. Then I catch the look of utter betrayal that crosses his face for a moment and the voices overtake me completely as I feel the fear. I close my eyes and look down while I try to keep standing. I know I should have sat down after the time out but I always work better when I pace.

Your team is nothing. Just because they win this game doesn't mean anything. You didn't make them strong enough. Besides, you betrayed that boy. You should never have let him in. You're so stupid and worthless. You shouldn't have gotten attached to these boys. They don't need you. They'll be better off without you. You're going to make them fail, just like you made your team fail in Switzerland. You're worthless to them, replaceable, a nuisance, a mistake, a misfit, a freak. You're nothing but freak!

"Katrina!" a voice yells and I mumble words as the voices continue to scream. "Katrina, get up!"

Why are they telling me to get up? Why are they so concerned? I'm fine. I think I tell them that but there are hands on my waist and I finally open my eyes. I'm on the floor in a half kneeling, half balled up position. I swallow hard as the bile comes up. I need my pills. My face turns up and I find Suga trying to get me to stand. All the boys are around me and it occurs to me that we must have won.

I try to get up, arms pushing feebly against the wood, as my mind is a raging hurricane of insults and fear and screams. Yamaguchi comes into my view next and puts his arms out. I take his hand but my legs are like jelly and the boy just slips his arm around my side. Tsukki appears at the other side and together, they raise my small body to a standing position. They are hunched over and I know the whole gym is watching. The two first years are more prepared for my attack than I am and with the rest of the team around me, they walk me quickly out of the gym.

"Are you okay?" a voice whispers with way too much fear for me to be comfortable. It takes me a moment to find that its Kageyama and Hinata who pops in front of me as we walk through the halls. I need my pills. My mouth opens but no words come out. Hinata stops us and looks into my face, peering into my eyes with his own wide scared orbs.

"Pills," I choke out.

My mouth tries to form a complete sentence but Hinata nods his head, disappearing from my view. We begin to walk again and I find that we're in an empty side of the building. We finally find a place where the large window glows with sunlight. I still can't hear and my body trembles a bit as they lower me to the ground. Hinata is at my side, hands wavering as he opens my bottle of pills. He takes two out and places them in my shaking hand. Kageyama gives me a water bottle and I tilt my head back as I swallow the pills. The water makes them go down and I wait for the voices to recede.

"What happened?" Daichi coaxes as he kneels in front of me. Suga joins him and I stare at the two while I clutch the water bottle more tightly. My lip quivers and I am actually going to answer, but don't get the chance to because the circle of boys parts and I find Suoh. When did he get here? Was he always here? The boys stand around anxiously and Suoh looks into my face as his hands grip my cheeks softly.

"What color is the sky?" he asks quickly. I look at him and open my mouth but nothing comes out. Tears start to form as I get hysterical from the lack of noise I make. The voices in my head are too loud. "You can do it. Tell me the color of the sky."

"It's," I breathe out hoarsely, "blue."

"Good. Now what colors are the German flag?" he asks in haste. I close my eyes and a single tear rolls down my cheek. Suoh shakes my head and I hear the boys shout in anger. My hand goes up and waves at them as I open my eyes. The voices become lower and I can feel the color blue in my head. It's weird to say but that's what I focus on.

"Black and red and gold," I reply and Suoh nods again. The man doesn't release my face and my brain is now a striped mess. The voices become covered by colors mixing like the sunset and then black and then blue. I can hear the boys talking amongst themselves and I feel my hand wet from having squeezed the water bottle too tightly.

"Now what's the color of my hair?" he asks and I can see the man's eyes concerned behind the frame of his glasses. I look at his hair and this newest color is a dark green. I smile as it reminds me of grass.

"It's green," I reply and the man frowns even more.

"No it's not," he argues and then shakes my face. "What color is my hair?"

"Suoh, it's green like grass," I say as my voice finally sounds like my own. The man is starting to get hysterical and he is going to shake my head again. I put my hands over his and he bites his lip. "You're so stupid. You dyed it green."

"No, Katrina, you," the man trails off as he grabs a strand of his hair and sees that it is indeed a green shade. My lips crack into a smile and Suoh steps back from me. The boys around me are waiting for an answer but Suoh chimes in before I can give the team a response. "She had a panic attack."

"Why?" Asahi asks in haste and I try to stand up. Tsukki and Yamaguchi are pushing me down before I can say anything.

"Sit back down," Tanaka scolds me. I give him an exasperated look and attempt to get up again.

"You aren't getting up," Noya tells me as he puts his hands on his hips. I pout and sit back down on the floor. Suoh glances at me and I don't tell him to inform them about why I'm sick. He nods a bit and then sits next to me. I finally take in his appearance to find him with jeans and black converse and a black hoodie. His hair is green and sticks up haphazardly while the roll of his jeans is pristine. Ukai is suddenly in front of us, breathing hard and joined by Takeda.

"Are you okay?" the man asks and I nod.

"I'll be fine. I just, well," I look at my hands and they curl around each other. There's a small puncture in my palm from where I dug my nail into my skin. I lick my lips and decide to not avoid the problem any longer. "I had a panic attack because last week was the anniversary of my last tournament. I got too caught up with the memories and then I knew Aone would be angry at me and well, I just got hysterical."

"Can you still go out there?" Takeda asks softly, concerned with my own health. I look up and smile softly at them. They're taken aback because of my ability to return to my normal cheery state. I roll my lips as I nod strongly. The boys all sigh in relief and Suoh pats my knee like a doting brother. I look at him and roll my eyes at his raising of eyebrows—he's glad that I'm going to go out there again.

"I take it we won," I half state, half ask. The boys look at me and then most begin to break out in laughter. I feel the blush come to my neck and I smile even wider. "Come on guys, I was freaking out. Did we win?"

"Of course we won," Tanaka shouts and I laugh this time. Noya jumps up and down, excitement overflowing. The rest of the boys begin to sit around me and we're going to rest until we have to go out there again. I know we're playing Seijoh and they're going to be a hassle.

"You should have caught the last save, I was all like, rolling thunder," Noya announces as he nearly rolls on the floor. I laugh at him and then Hinata is bouncing up and down while next to Kageyama.

"Then I was all like, gwah and the ball was whoosh," he gestures wildly and Suoh laughs this. The boys start talking about our latest match until I hear the sound of footsteps in the rather empty room. My attention turns towards the hall that we came from and Ukai goes to whoever is coming. Daichi and Suga get up to join him while I try to push myself to check what is going on. I swiftly get reprimanded and try to look around my boys. It doesn't really work until I hear Daichi telling someone that they can't see me. I get up and give a death glare to anyone who tries to push me down.

My eyes widen as I stand and find the person that contributed to my attack. Aone is pushing against Ukai and Daichi while Futakuchi and Suga try to calm both sides and the rest of the Date Tech team looking on worriedly. My legs are shaky but I walk towards the boys, Aone noticing me and pushing even harder against my coach and captain. Suga puts his hand on Daichi's arm and the boy hesitates, looking back at me. His eyes turn wide as he sees me trying to keep myself steady. Aone takes this opportunity and breaks the guard, rushing to me. I don't focus on my feet and focus too much on the boy.

And as usual, I am descending into the ground with a confused face—as if I could ever wonder how I was so clumsy as a world renown libero. Aone is wide eyed and jumps as he slides under me in time. How he can always save me, is amazing. I fall into his lap and he clutches me carefully, the rest of the boys watching with interest and concern. Aone quickly sits me up and puts me next to him as he checks me for injuries. I hate him looking so scared. I hate how I worry him this much. I grab his hand quickly and the boy looks up from his examination.

"I'm fine," I whisper. The boy takes a deep breath and I smile softly at him. His large hand squeezes mine and I know that he's still worried. I smile even larger and move my hand to intertwine our fingers. "I'm fine."

Aone finally nods and we sit there as we try to form words and say all the things that we need to. Though when I look at him and his eyes are relieved but scared, I know that there isn't anything that I have to say. The boy is right in front of me and can hold my hand without being angry. We both did what we had to and we have come right back to where we were days before. There is no blame or hurt or damage that has been done to us. I smile at him and know that the silence is enough for us—our thoughts already known by the other.

"Well, I have to say, you guys are pretty good," Futakuchi says haughtily as he comes next to Aone. My boys are still where I left them but all come closer to me, unsure of what is really going to transgress. Aone's team comes to his side and look at my boys carefully, the hurt of their loss still fresh. Aone and I sit still in between the two and I wait for the moment that I throw myself between the two forces.

"You guys aren't too shabby yourselves," Nishinoya replies with an angry look. I snap my fingers at the libero and he looks at me, reprimanded with a stern gaze. Futakuchi opens his mouth to say something mean no doubt but Aone grunts, stopping whatever retort was on the tip of his tongue. Both sides are waiting in awkward silence before I hear the two captains come up from behind us.

"Behave yourselves," Daichi threatens and motions for the boys to make a half circle. They listen and I watch Moniwa gesture at his own team.

"Sit down and play nice," he orders and the other team slowly lowers themselves. Aone is joined by his brown-haired friend and Tsukki is at my side, scowl adorning his face. The air is tense and it takes Kiyoko to finally break up the silence.

"Does anyone want a rice ball? Katrina and I made extra," she remarks as she opens up a cooler. My team is soon cheering and I look at Date Tech to find them confused if it was for them too.

"Do you guys want some? We made extra and we'll have enough for everyone," I tell them and they have wide eyes. The boys nod and Kiyoko smiles as she starts to hand out individually wrapped balls. The boys pass them down and soon enough, small talk erupts from both sides. Tsukki scoots over as Kiyoko finishes and sits next to me. Aone has a rice ball and eats it as I hear Tanaka boasting about our lady manager. Futakuchi looks around Aone to me and smiles a mischievous smile.

"So how long have you been his girlfriend?" he asks me and I stiffen. What do I say? Do I deny him while I hold his hand? But I'm not his girlfriend? Right? Of course, right. Aone stiffens with his comment and looks down at me with an apologetic face. I want to change the subject but can't seem to open my mouth. Thank god for Kiyoko who looks around me and to the team's ace.

"As long as he has been her boyfriend," she replies smartly.

The boy's eyes widen and he smiles even larger at Kiyoko. My pretty friend blushes a bit before she goes back to eating her snack. Aone urges me to have one and I humor him only because it would make him worried. Futakuchi is quiet as the rest of the group grows louder, laughs and some compliments being crossed between teams. I catch the second year stealing glances at our manager and Aone pulls my hand a bit and eyes flick to Kiyoko, who I catch stealing glances back. Great, my voice airs sarcastically.

I smile as I realize that even though I can see the sadness in their eyes, the Date Tech team is having fun with us. Even the coaches are behind us along with Suoh, talking while they discuss things I could really care less about right now. Looking around the circle, I find the two teams meeting with the captains across from us, but Aone and I are the real connectors here. Smiling widely, I squeeze Aone's hand back as I know that there is hope for us. As it stands, we brought two teams together just because we don't want to let go of each other.

And I know that I won't ever let go as easily as I would believe I would because Aone isn't going to let me go that easily either.

And today, we somehow both won.

* * *

 **Hey everybody. So I had this update take a little longer and it isn't really that long but I hope you enjoy. I'm really looking forward to the Seijoh match in the next chapter. I don't even know if this is good. I am too tired to write a large rant here, but I hope everyone enjoys their weekend and good luck to everyone starting school again. I'm starting on monday (boo).**

 **Loves yous guys and as always, follow, fave, review, obsess.**


	24. Stay

**Chapter Twenty-Four: Stay**

" **You can run away from yourself so often, and so much, just because the broken pieces of you cut your feet too deeply if you stay around for too long. But then what if someone were to come along and pick up those pieces for you? Then you wouldn't have to run away from yourself anymore. You could stop running. If someone sees you as something worth staying with— maybe you'll stay with yourself, too."**

― **C. JoyBell C.**

* * *

I couldn't look to the stands and have peace of mind. Every time I turned around, Suoh would be in the crowd, smiling like he won the lottery. I don't even know why he's that happy, whether because his favorite specimen didn't break like he wanted and is standing where she once ruled or because his favorite specimen couldn't look at a certain boy without blushing. Regardless of the reason the man was overjoyed. It didn't help when he would meet my eyes, his wide orbs void of white as he cheered, actually making his teeth somehow shine in my face.

So I distracted myself with watching the boys both on my side of the net and the other. My own boys were fired up but the nervousness was evident, especially in the younger kids. Kageyama was slowly unraveling as he was stared at by his former senpai. Oikawa was starting to become totally engrossed with breaking my genius down. His eyes were haunting and I had to put up the fight against him if I wanted Kageyama to at least be able to set half as good.

I turn my eyes for battle and Oikawa shudders before he meets my eyes. They hold rage from a thousand battles. The hazel color borders amber as I glare harder than ever before, harder than when I fought my own battles. The pretty boy spins and his brown hair flops as he looks away and then glances back at me. The world doesn't stand still like it used to when I fought with the wood under my feet and hands grasping at a net.

No, the world goes into hyperdrive around us. My lungs take in twice the air they normally do, blood racing in my veins. He tilts his head and my skin tingles with anticipation. I want him to know that this isn't just a game for me. This is my life, the force driving me to keep on when I would rather do nothing but disappear completely. Blurs of bodies move faster and faster, lights and lines of where they once were painting paths of movement.

And just when I know he thinks he's going to get the upper hand, I turn from him and am thrust into life.

My breath catches with the sudden whiplash from fierce rage to tender adoration. My boys are so excited and they are coming in for a meeting. I examine each boy's face to find the same want, the longing, the hope for the win. My eyes meet those of the captain and I keep waiting for him to say something. His lips have yet to move, though I can hear what he's saying clearly: thank you. My own heart somehow clenches as I wring my hands nervously.

I have given him what he had wanted. All Daichi had wanted was a chance. That's all he ever asked me for. I could have denied his request, told him that it was too much to ask of me, knowing very well that maybe this would have never turned out as well as it has. But I did accept it and I have fulfilled my promise.

"Alright, so what do we know about this team?" Ukai asks as the boys surround us. The blonde man looks at me and I nod as I take the lead.

"So we know that Oikawa is going to be killing us with serves," I start off and Tanaka grabs Nishinoya and messes up his hair.

"But we have this guy now," the bald boy proclaims. I smile largely and Nishinoya has a silent fire in his eyes, body language showing that his pent up energy is being contained like a bomb.

"Yes we do. You guys have also been training with stamina and your receives, so be ready for a long game. Watch it for all of their wing spikers. They're surprisingly good when they're paired with the pretty boy. they're a smart team. We can't use the star formation for long. But we've already shown our hand," I tell them and then grab Suga from the crowd. "That's why for the second set we're going to have this guy in along with Kageyama. Win the first match and we'll throw them off so badly that we won't get to a third set."

"Watch out for their ace, he's surprisingly adept," Ukai butts in softly. The boys turn to him and he gives them that calming smile he somehow possesses. My own hands which were twitching, restless with the energy pent up, are now still and sure of their coming actions. "Though, remember that Oikawa isn't just a regular setter. Their team is based around him. He's the middle piece of a puzzle."

"We understand," Kageyama whispers though I am sure that he didn't mean to even say the words. His blue eyes are looking down and I know that he's overthinking everything. Suga who I still somehow hold, pulls my hand over to him and I glance up at the third year. His face shows the worry blatantly and sometimes I wish he had a better poker face. Blood roars in my ears as I calm myself down and put on a calm expression, looking back around the circle at each excited face.

"I promised that I would give you a chance. You guys have given yourself as best as a setup as any team could ever hope for. But right now isn't the time to think that you can't accomplish something that is right in front of you. You guys have proven yourselves to others and now it is time for you to prove to yourself that you guys are worth my chance."

The boys are silent. I take the hands of those next to me and look down at the scuffed wood floor which has so many blemishes. They have to go out there and win. The hands in mine are clammy and the sweat is sticky, feelings which I have experienced with them but my hand is too clean for comfort. Nevertheless, my hand has become tainted and this is as close as I can get to making them whole without me playing. I have given them the chance. They have to prove themselves. God I wish they will prove themselves, my voice whispers inside me, afraid of itself.

"We won't let you down," Hinata says strongly. When I raise my head I find the amber eyes piercing my own soul, as if they could identify every fear that my mind contains. His lips are set nto such a harsh line that I remember that they want this just as much as me.

"Make me proud," I yell, hands squeezing my own ever tighter. It feels inexplicable, the happiness which rushes like a poison that will soon kill me if they somehow don't accomplish what they want.

"Karasuno," Daichi yells for us.

"Fight!"

Then just like that, they're out on the court and we're already receiving the first ball. My breath catches as I watch Nishinoya move to get under it like I would, it not even being a thought process but innate second nature. A perfect receive and Kageyama is under the ball as he readies a set. Of course he starts it off with giving the ball to Asahi. Our ace is flying through the air, in time with the decoy, and then a slap and a pound.

We get the first point and Oikawa is immediately talking to Kageyama from the other side of the net. I would like to say that I could save the frowning boy but the truth was that I couldn't. there might be only a net between them but there is still some barrier that keeps them from each other. I could never have been more grateful to stringed rope in my entire life—and that's including the time that I caught a butterfly with a net I made from the nets we were throwing out.

"Nice serve Tanaka," Suga yells next to me. The silver haired boy has yet to actually disappear like he normally would when the game starts. I think it's partly because he knows that Kageyama is trailing down the path of over concentration with no real destination.

Tanaka has the ball in his hands and he serves, straight and true and swift, the ball received by their libero. I clench my jaw as Oikawa is under the ball and immediately know what is happening. Oikawa's legs bend too much for this to just be a set and I can't help myself as I watch the boy barely lift off the ground.

"Dump!"

Noya is surprisingly quick with my warning and Oikawa also flinches a bit while in the air, slowing the process of tossing the ball over. The setter tries to reposition his arms for a hit but it's gone with only a lob to our side. Our libero gets it up with no problem, quickly getting out of the way for whomever Kageyama chooses. Kageyama chooses to actually give it to Hinata, godlike quick accomplished while Aoba Johsai is still railing from our miraculous save. Now we're leading 2-0 and the gym roars with our teamwork.

I can catch an exuberant cheer and then can hear faint muffles of 'that's my Katrina' from a certain doctor. Rolling my eyes, Kageyama catches my attention with a secret wave which really isn't so secret because the boy can't ever do discreet. I nod to him and he waits for my approval of his choices. I give him a smile and then shrug a bit with a thumbs up, telling him that I really don't care where he chooses the ball to go as long as it gets a point. He gives a short glare but then nods as Tanaka is handed the ball.

The points trickle in after that, Oikawa noticing that we won't be fooled as much but somehow seeing the gaps that lay in our defense. It doesn't help that his ace is in the front row or that the third year middle blocker has the experience to confuse Hinata with fake spikes. My beanstalk goes back in as the rotation goes halfway around and we lose a point every time our libero switches out.

Oikawa gets back their ground when he's up to serve. Thank god my blonde beanstalk is in the front line and I had moved him to the front from the receiving line. Nishinoya is avoided by the pretty setter and as planned, my captain takes up the slack. We only lose two points to the monster serve, the boys getting more comfortable with the game as we get double digits. As Hinata goes back in and we are back to our strongest formation, the Aoba Johsai coach calls a time out, score 15-12 us.

"This isn't a good enough lead," Daichi says between sips of water. I can feel his anxiety with having them this close to us but I shake my head. This is what we can manage when they know all of our cards. We have to get over it.

"But it's a lead. You hold what we have and don't you dare let it slip through your fingers," I tell him bluntly. Daichi, wide eyes and eyelids that are running sweat into eyelashes, understands as he gives me a short grunt. "Win this first match and then worry what will come. Concentrate on each point. Don't let them run this game. You play with your speed, slow and steady will win the race."

"Do you want me to come more in when I'm in the back row?" Asahi asks shakily, nervous that I won't approve of what I know he's been doing. The boy noticed that Iwaizumi has a certain spot on the line that he likes to spike at, so he came in to get the ball each time, not taking the chance that it's in when it looks out.

"You do what you're doing. Trust your gut," I reassure the big baby. He nods as he sighs with relief, glad that I didn't yell at him. I can feel the muscles of my face pull into a great smile. My cheeks hurt with how much they try to convey the rushing of my blood with longing. They might think that this is only a job for me but this is as much of a game for them as for me, regardless of how I am not with them.

"Watch when that Oikawa tries to spike," Ukai mutters and the boys are too soon gone from my side.

They sweat too much for it to be an easy game and I know that they're fatigued from playing the two games before this. Just because they had a rest between this game and Date Tech doesn't mean that it isn't tiring. The sad part is that you don't even know you're tired until you get down from your adrenaline high, take a deep breath, and feel that your legs are really grape jam. Hinata is one of the only ones next to Nishinoya who seems impervious to the gray hand of fatigue.

With the thoughts of the previous game come the thoughts of Aone and I gulp before I look over my shoulder. My eyes seek him out in the crowd too much for it to be normal friendship, the need to see him too great to contain. It doesn't take me long because he's the only person who is looking directly at me and I feel the back of my neck prickle with embarrassment. He seems so concentrated on me and I wonder how long he's been looking at me.

There is the slightest bit of color in his cheeks as he Futakuchi elbows him and then points to me, as if trying to tell him that I was looking at him. Aone brushes off his friend with the slightest of glares and just like that, I turn away from him. I didn't want him to see the blush which had moved into my face and made my cheeks burn with something stronger than embarrassment because I'm scared of my own feelings.

Kiyoko is next to me and I finally notice that she is looking where I had been staring moments ago. When the girl turns around with a blush similar to mine, I open my mouth to question what is wrong, and then think better of it. She'll ask me the same question and I don't want that to happen. I don't want to explain the butterflies in my stomach.

My blush goes down as my own boys get red in the face with exertion. Nishinoya wipes his face with his shirt because it's dripping to the floor. Tanaka rubs his shoes while making them squeak to dissipate the liquid that has been dropped. Turning to our opponents, I find that they're worse for wear also. They play too hard for them to have stamina for a third match, though my boys won't be able to play one either.

The last couple of points are taken when Daichi is serving and Nishinoya receives balls from the first year Kunimi. The young boy can't seem to find the holes in the defense as easily as his senpais. It's something that comes with experience and even though he has the strength to get past one last attempt, he isn't blocked. The boy is good but we are better when Kageyama finally sets for Tanaka, who is pounding the ball into the wood with a lip captured between his teeth. We win the first set with too close of a call for comfort but we win nonetheless, the score 25-23.

"You want me to start in the front or the back?" Suga asks me as the other boys come in.

Everyone is panting hard and I know that we have to finish this in the second set. I have tried with the stamina training but it takes time to form the muscles and the endurance that I want them to have-that they need. When I look to the other side, Oikawa is speaking to his team with a smile on his face. He knows that we aren't going to have the stamina. He knows that his teammates have found the holes. He knows that they'll start with a different rotation so that my middle blockers will both be in at the same time. He knows that if he gets the first point, the tide of this entire game will be changed.

"I want you in the front. Be the starting setter and dump the ball," I tell Suga as I turn back to my own men. Oikawa doesn't know that we have an ace, my voice chuckles darkly. My face turns with smirk and I shift my feet so that the cramps from the pacing will disintegrate. Kageyama catches my movements and knows that we're going to do our most risky choice yet.

I have to admit that this might not be the best decision. We haven't perfected this at all. Hell, we haven't even played in a match with this setup. It could backfire in our face and we could lose this set. I'm banking on the fact that this will change the holes and their spikers will have trouble with getting readjusted with our new tactics. The genius setter is more nervous than before and has to hold himself back before he chews the water bottle between his lips. Ukai starts to speak and I grab my friend, taking him to the side and then wiping the hand which touched his wet arm on his shirt.

"Katrina, that is so nasty," he blanches as he slaps me away. The frown on his face seems to grow even harsher and I slap his arm. He rubs it with a slight growl and I know I've got my Kageyama back. His face settles into its normal scowl and I can't help but feel the relief overflow my body.

"What are you thinking?" I ask him and the boy squeezes the bottle in his hands. I snap my fingers at his hesitation and he jolts, spitting out his thoughts before he could actually decide if he wanted to lie to me or maybe tell me the truth.

"I don't know if this will work," he sputters and I give him an exasperated look. He puts his hands up a bit and I know he's going to explain but I don't want to hear it. Crossing my arms, I pucker my lips and the boy immediately shuts his flapping jaw.

"Okay, so you don't know but you won't until we try. Like I said, focus on each point. Remember when we first met and I corrected your receives?"

"You were so annoying," he complains.

"What did I tell you when I said you should plant your feet more?"

"You said I thought about the set too much. I was supposed to focus on getting the ball up because nothing else mattered," he grumbles. I nod at him and take the bottle from his hands. He frowns down at me and I give him a soft smile. He doesn't actually know how to communicate to people with things that aren't volleyball. This is what he's good at and he's doubting himself. He's unsure of himself because this is all he thinks he has. It's like when I wondered just who I was without volleyball. I couldn't answer who I was and I don't even think if I could answer who I am without the sport now.

"Kageyama!" Hinata yells as he comes to us. The sunshine somehow changes Kageyama's stance and he opens himself to him. I watch as Hinata doesn't see the change in him and notice a change from how Hinata interacts with everyone else. The ginger somehow stands taller and is more sure of himself with his setter and I allow my eyes to flick between the two with curiosity. I don't know exactly what I'm seeing and I don't even think they know either, but they're different with each other, somehow more at ease.

"What dumbass?" Kageyama asks grumpily and the happy portrait is tossed out the car window. Hinata gets angry and they start to bicker, myself making the escape to the rest of the team.

They go out there when the whistle sounds and I watch Suga as he walks tall onto the court. My heart swells and I swear that with the way it clenches, I'm having a heart attack I'm so proud. I can feel the surprise from the other team when they see both Suga and Kageyama in the lineup. My hubris coaxes me to look at the other coaches. They are confused, faces with open mouths and when they catch me looking, I give them that haunting smile that they hate. It scares them with a flinch and I turn back to my boys.

The game starts and just as I thought, the other team is confused beyond belief. Suga does as I asked and on the first point dumps, making them concrete sure that we will be able to dump whenever we want. That one point scares them but it scares them even further when Kageyama goes for a back row hit, something that I discovered he could do when teaching Hinata how to do a straight hit. Of course my genius doesn't have a kill but it's enough for them to question their every move. The score soon hits 15-12 and I can't shake the feeling of uncertainty; we aren't as far ahead as I had thought.

Then when Kageyama is in the front, they get even more worried because that means that my amazing duo will be in the front. But when that comes up, Tanaka is back in the front, having been taken out because Daichi was back row. Because Suga is in, I have to put Daichi in the back row for one spot and Tanaka in the front row after him. Asahi is serving and I watch the ball fly in the air as that third year Hanamaki receives excellently. He is trouble when in the back row and it pisses me off.

Oikawa has his hands on the ball and I can see him try to decide who deserves it. Surprisingly it goes to that first year that used to be Kageyama's teammate, who also has a turnip haircut just like Hinata proclaims every time he sees him. The boy spikes and Suga has it up but his receives aren't as good as I would have wanted, the ball a little wanton. That was a downfall with this but Kageyama can set the ball still. He runs and I know he'll give it to Tanaka.

I watch as my setter barely makes it in time for a set and he doesn't bump like I know he should. The ball is too close to the net and Tanaka has to readjust his jump in the last second, something that is hard to do without any warning. He jumps up off his left leg unusually and the moment that his shoes squeak ominously, I know there's something wrong. Tanaka never jumps off his left leg.

My heart is in my throat as the boy's leg gives out before he can finish his take off and he's falling down too quickly with pain. Nevertheless, he tries to hit the ball and the action only causes him to miss and fall into the net, grabbing desperately to brace his descent. His body is at an angle and he tries to twist his legs to land on his chest only to under rotate. My own legs start movement when he crashes to the ground, shoulder missing the first impact and head hitting the floor with only the slight cushioning of his outstretched arm.

The gym is quiet as we hear the sound of Tanaka hitting the ground. The fear makes my blood turn cold and I wish the sweat on my body was from playing rather than the anxiety of this situation. My lip trembles as I take a step towards my second year and the world is so quiet, the void of emotions trying to swallow me up. I think what scares me the most was that Tanaka wasn't moving.

"Tanaka. Tanaka."

My worry overtakes me and I'm running onto the court. The official whistles once and I know he's angry that I'm not where I'm supposed to be. Or maybe he can see how scared I am and how the other boys are coming to where their teammate lies on the floor and is stopping the game. It feels like I run forever to get to Tanaka. It's like one of those dreams where you keep running but never get any farther.

My breath releases as I finally get to him though and I kneel down before I can touch him. My knees ache with my own fall and I swallow even harder, sore throat suddenly creeping up. I put my hand lightly on Tanaka and lean further down to check if he's awake. The panic heightens when I notice that his eyes are closed and his face is somehow so innocent and calm. This isn't Tanaka. There is something really wrong.

"Tanaka," Nishinoya yells as he joins me on the floor. The libero is going to move him but I grab his wrist before he can touch the boy.

"Don't move him just yet," I hiss and know that my fear made me snap. Noya's eyes are wide and the frightened expression doesn't suit his face. I look back at the boy on the ground and find something on the gym floor right below his head. My hand goes out and touches the liquid with shuddering fingers. They come back tinged red and I have the urge to start crying. We can't break down in front of the boys. I'll scare them. I have to stay calm. Stay calm.

"Is he unconscious?" Ukai asks as he is behind me. I hide my fingers from the rest of the boys and Ukai catches the color with a sharp intake of breath. Ukai goes off to tell the officials and the other boys are crowding us. My clean hand motions for a view of the stands and I search for a head of green.

"Suoh! Suoh, I need you," I scream out to the man. Suddenly movement in the quiet gym is hastened and there are quick steps running to me. The doctor is in front of me before I can let out the shaky breath and when he kneels next to me and sees the small amount of blood, he grabs his phone. He dials a number and the other boys have finally caught why I'm so damn scared. My vision turns with red and I close my eyes and listen to the silence as I take deep breaths.

"I need an ambulance at Sendai city gymnasium. I am going to need a stretcher and when we get there have a medical team ready for CT scans. Then get me the neurological doctor on duty. Hana, don't argue, just do it," the young man commands darkly into the receiver.

I look back at Tanaka and find him still unconscious.

"Is he going to be okay?" Noya asks quietly, the fear making him the polar opposite of how he is normally. I look into his eyes with a certainty that should only be reserved for the truth, but right now I have to reassure him.

"Don't worry," I tell him as I reach out for him over his friend.

He grabs my hand, squeezing it harder than I can even handle, but I put up with it. Takeda comes up from behind us and he lays a hand on Suoh's shoulder. The doctor pulls him away from us and I know he's going to tell him what they're going to have to do, what to tell Tanaka's parents.

I finally take in the expressions of those around us and I find the same expression of fear. Hinata stands right behind Kageyama, close enough to touch, the setter needing the reassurance of the smaller boy's hand clutching the end of his shirt. The third years stand almost solemnly as they each have a hand on one of the other second years. Tsukki and Yamaguchi are near Kiyoko who has tears in her eyes. The gym is too quiet as it engulfs us all and time passes slower than tar drowning my lungs while I try to keep myself together.

"Katrina, you stay here and I'll go with Tanaka," Suoh tells me softly as he comes back to my side. I shake my head and Suoh frowns at me, unhappy that I won't leave the boy. "Takeda will ride with the ambulance. I'll go with the car."

"No."

Just like that, with one word of absolute certainty, Tanaka moves slightly. First it's his finger that twitches near my knee. Then it's his eyelids which flutter open. Lastly it's his eyes themselves which dart in confusion and panic of his own vision that alert me he's awake. The boy tries to move even more but I don't want him to move before we know what's wrong with his head. So I grab his hand in mine and lay down with my head on the floor looking at him.

"Katrina?" the boy chokes out and I nod a bit.

"Don't move. You fell and you can't move just yet," I tell him but the boy doesn't listen. He wiggles a bit but I pinch his fingers and he stops again. "Ryuu, please for god's sake, stay still."

"What happened?" he asks shakily and I catch the tears springing up. The orbs look to where the blood lays but I pull his hand before he can see how bad he really is.

"Look at me Ryuu. You fell when your leg gave out. We have to take you to the hospital," I coo and the boy's tongue tries to lick his trembling lips.

"I, I don't know if I can feel my legs," he whispers and I try to hide the expression of surprise. I nod and then sit up a bit, still holding his hand. I reach out to his leg and pinch extremely hard.

"You feel that?" I ask as I increase the pressure. Tanaka yelps and squeezes my hand.

"Yes, you can stop."

"See. You're fine," I tell him as I lay back down. He seems a little relieved and I smile gently at him, trying to be as soothing as possible. Noise enters the gym and I can tell it's the paramedics. Tanaka grabs my hand tighter with the unfamiliar sound in the dead gym. "Shh. It's just the paramedics. I'm going to let go of your hand while they put you on. Okay?"

"Okay," he replies as he tries to look to where he can't. I pull his hand a bit and he looks back to me. "Are you coming with me? You should stay."

The fear makes his voice tremble with the question. He doesn't want me to leave him and he's trying to act like the courageous senpai that he always wants me to see him as. I smile gently at him as the men are coming to my side, clearing the boys away from me. Tanaka's dark eyes look to the man who appears next to me and widen with the realization that this isn't just a bad dream.

"Takeda and I are going with you. I'm going to let go, okay?"

"Alright."

Everything happens in a blur after that, from when we get Tanaka off the ground to when we wheel him out, from the ambulance ride to meeting the doctors who are waiting at the actual hospital. Tanaka reaches out for my hand as the doctors explain to Takeda what they are going to do to the boy. I follow holding Tanaka's hand all the way until those damn double doors that always say 'hospital personnel only'. When I finally let go of him, I feel empty, void of emotions.

They were raging so much that now I just feel the shock of what just happened. My body doesn't move and I just stare at the double doors while a pit forms in my stomach. No one comes to collect me for a long while and no one tries to tell me that I can't stand in the middle of the hallway. No, it is only when Takeda is finally too scared to put up the front of being the adult and having called Tanaka's parents that I end up seeing people. They must have lost me, Takeda and Suoh rushing to my waiting place.

"Katrina, come on. We have to wait in the waiting room," Suoh tells me as he grabs my shoulder and steers me away from my place as sentry. I shake my head and Suoh keeps walking. We enter an empty waiting room which is really just like a bunch of hospital chairs in their normal positioning and a sitcom on the television without sound and filled with half the screen full of subtitles.

"Hitz-chan, thank you for coming," Takeda breathes out as he takes off his glasses and wipes his eyes. The poor man is sick with worry, complexion whiter than a ghost. He sits with carelessness that he can't afford to manage with anyone else but himself. "Thank you Suoh-san for calling and getting the doctors too."

"It's not a big deal," Suoh replies steadily. He's used to things like this, more crazy things that happen at the clinic being a daily occurrence. I breathe out as I try to not fall apart myself so that I don't have to go back to that place in the mountains. My mind is dark and I know I need someone. I hope the boys get here soon—the idea of winning the match somewhere in the back of my mind.

So settling into the chairs, we do the only thing that we can do. We wait.

* * *

"Do you think she'll be angry?"

"I don't know but I'm not telling her."

"Maybe we should draw straws."

"I say that the Captain should be the one to do it."

"No I think it should be those who are her own year."

"Will you shut up?" I mumble angrily. My eyes are weighted down with all the fatigue in the world. My body is heavy and for a moment, I don't think that I'll actually stay awake for much longer. That is until I feel something pushing into my knee and am forced to crack one eye open.

The waiting room is surprisingly lighted with those annoying energy saving bulbs that never seem like actually sunlight. As my eyes burn a bit with sudden change in light, they notice the group of boys around me, pushing one another towards me and my seated position. My body is twisted up on a hospital chair, the dense uncomfortable thing adding a crook to my back. Then my legs which are the only things which don't feel cramped are stretched out but are wrapped around one another.

I take a deep breath as the boys all waver in front of me nervously. For a moment, my mouth yawns and I can feel the irritability that always comes with me not getting enough sleep. So I debate whether I can actually fall back asleep when something moves my body—something which I was just leaning on. This thing is warm and slightly soft, though it still possesses an undertone of strength and stability. The boys must see my reaction to me not knowing what exactly I was sleeping on and their eyes turn and look beside me.

This is when I finally get the good sense to look over. This is also when I wanted to kinda crawl into the hospital floor and melt into nonexistence. Aone is sitting next to me quietly, his eyes half-closed with exhaustion. Why was he here? Why am I laying on him? Why were the boys being such asses and not letting the boy sleep when clearly he was dead tired from the games which he had just played?

"He was here when we got here," Daichi elaborates and Aone's eyes widen a bit before his large palm goes to rub them. All of the boys are in their track suits and my brain finally catches up with the whole situation. This forces my body to jump up and my legs are shaky as they support me.

"How's Tanaka? Did you guys win? Where's Ukai and Takeda? Has Tanaka's parents come yet?" I ask in rapid fire succession. Suga takes the lead and smiles softly at me, my body relaxing slightly with the comforting gaze.

"Tanaka is doing okay. He does have a concussion and he did pass out again but they have it under control. They said we can see him when he wakes up but we can't strain him too much. Then Ukai and Takeda went to get something to eat for us from the store down the street. Tanaka's parents are out of town and his sister is in his room right now."

I nod with new information and sigh deeply, releasing all the worry that might have accumulated from the boy getting hurt. I sit back down next to Aone and lean slightly towards him. His large hand goes to wooden arm of the chair and I rest mine against his for comfort. The boys watch with interest as I don't make eye contact with the giant but can still know where he is next to me. Then the boys look down a moment later in what I can identify as shame. They didn't answer if they won.

"You guys didn't win did you?" I ask softly. It is surprisingly Hinata who answers first, shaking his head as he gives me a sympathetic look. Kageyama is next to the ginger as he clenches his fists together angrily. All of the boys try to hold themselves together and I can tell that Nishinoya is one of the worst of the bunch. He probably figured that he couldn't even win and he let Tanaka down even more.

For a moment I want to tell them that everything will be okay and that it doesn't matter but the fact is that it does matter. We've been training for months now and this was our only shot. I had given them a chance. A chance which was then ripped out from their hands by cruel fate. Fate has never been nice to me and I know that I should have caught Tanaka's leg earlier. I didn't though and now here we are, in a hospital, losers that didn't have a fair chance.

"Excuse me," a nurse says beyond the group, breaking our tense silence.

I stand and Aone rises next to me as the woman pushes her way into our circle. She has those annoying pink scrubs that are too pepto bismol color to be soothing and her hair is gathering into a ponytail set high on her head. The most alarming thing would be that her face is set into a scowl. She must be starting her shift or is maybe in the middle of working double time.

"Can I help you?" I ask her, taking the lead because I'm the most comfortable one with hospital personnel. The woman looks at me and her lips pucker in distaste.

"Is there an adult with you?" she bites out as she looks around the group. I look around for Suoh but he isn't anywhere to be found.

"Suoh left," Kageyama whispers to me as he comes closer. When none of us answer the woman's question, she tsks and then grabs her pager angrily.

"You can't be here without a guardian or supervising adult," she complains and I can see her reach for her cellphone. "I'm going to have to ask you guys to leave."

"We're waiting for our friend. Our coach and faculty supervisor will be back right now," Ennoshita tells the woman. She wheels around on the second year angrily, hands going to her hips with defiance.

"I know that but they aren't here with you now. I'm going to have to ask you to wait for them outside," she hisses as she gets even angrier with us. She must be low on caffeine judging by the bags under her eyes.

"I'm sorry but they're going to be back right now. The doctor said we could wait here," Daichi tells her and she begins to dial a number on her phone. I can feel the rage build up inside me and I tilt my head as the woman glares at Daichi.

"I'm going to have to call security if you don't leave. We have rules set her by the doctors and unless I hear from a department head that you can stay here, you have to leave."

"Then we'll get permission from a department head," I tell the woman with a fiery tone. She turns her eyes on me and raises a brow in doubt.

"I highly doubt that," she challenges. I shake my head and walk towards her. Everyone stiffens while the woman flinches as I push past her. When she doesn't follow I turn back and motion for everyone to come with me, Aone the first to understand the motions.

They finally follow me and I start to lead us down the halls from the waiting room. If this woman wants some doctor to tell her that we can stay here, then we'll get the doctor that I know very well. Hana is head of the psyche department and the woman will lay off of us. I would hate to leave Tanaka now and besides that, the woman was giving the boys such dirty looks that I don't doubt her threat to call the security.

The boys' shoes ring out in the cold halls and Aone is next to me as he shields me from the woman. I think he really didn't want me to strangle her when she wasn't looking. The woman was walking behind me and giving the back of my head the coldest looks that I doubt my skull would be intact if her eyes could shoot laser beams. The looks only intensified when we found ourselves in a dark wing of the hospital and the atmosphere around the rooms changed.

The halls were somehow much quieter than the rest of the hospital, being filled with patients of mental illness. I don't think that they dealt much with unruly patients but there were nurses stations at every corner leading up to offices of the psychiatrists. The office windows showed no lights and I wondered just what time it was that everyone went home. It was to my relief that Hana's light was still on, illuminating my face and Aone's, the boys staring at the plaque next to the door proclaiming the office's owner.

"Is this some kind of joke?" the woman asks venomously before I raise my hand to the doorknob. I look back at her and glare daggers. Her mouth closes from an insult she probably had on her lips, and then I open the door to find Hana as usual at her desk, filling out paperwork. The woman glances up and her bangs are a little disheveled from the long day's work while her eyes are bright from the curiosity of seeing me in her office.

"Hana can you please tell this lady that we can stay in the hospital," I tell my therapist. Hana looks to the nurse and the nurse wants to believe that Hana will throw us all out. My therapist does the opposite. She sighs as she puts her pen down and stands up. The robot of a woman has yet to change her bored expression but I can tell from her eyes and having read her emotions for so long that she's scheming.

"Why? What has she told you Katrina?" she replies to me and with my name, the nurse somehow becomes smaller, stance changing with embarrassment.

"She said that we needed a department head to let us stay here. The adults with us went to get some food and she's threatened to call security," I tell the doctor with a blank face. The nurse wants to crawl into the floor like I had earlier but she can't escape the woman who is coming closer to us. Hana looks at the woman in the eyes and the nurse clears her throat.

"I didn't know she knew you so personally Doctor Morinozuka," the nurse backpedals quickly. Hana quirks her head without a change in her lips and then looks to me.

"I'm very acquainted with Katrina. Now, if you could please allow them to stay here, I believe that would be best for everyone," Doctor Morinozuka says frankly. The nurse nods and then bows lowly to my therapist. Then like the cretin the woman is, she scurries off more quickly than a roach. I turn to my doctor who is awaiting me to say something but I just nod and then turn around.

"Thanks Doctor Morinozuka. I owe you one," I tell her as I push all the boys out of the office. They all seem confused and Suga is the only one who puts up a fight to leave. I can see that he wants to ask the woman so many things but he won't ever get the chance. As I close the office door, the boys stand there crowding me and the door like we would both try to run away. And as I begin to walk away, Asahi is the one to grab my arm.

"How do you know that woman?" he asks shakily and swallows hard. Panic rises up like a raging river, frigid and moving quickly through my senses. This was a mistake. To keep us in this hospital, I just revealed the last thing that I would want them to know. I don't want them to ask about this. I can't tell them. We should tell them, my voice tells me quietly. I know it's right but I don't want to admit it right now.

Even though this is the prime opportunity to tell them. If I get an attack, I could just stay here. Then Aone is here just in case I get really bad in the split moment. The boys don't need me to coach them so I won't have to see them if they do reject me. I should tell them. They should know. But my throat closes with the fear of it all and I have to bite my lip to keep it from trembling while I hug my free arm into myself to get the scars to stop burning.

"Let's go see Tanaka," I tell him as I pull away.

I can't stop my fleeing and the boys are startled into moving as Aone grabs my hand in his. I don't want to look at him either. He's just going to give me a look that says that I should tell them. Aone squeezes my hand tighter before intertwining our fingers and my face finally ventures a glance. He's looking down at me as I bite my lip with anxiety. His brown eyes are wide and I know he's saying that he's right here next to me. He wants me to tell them, thinking they'll stay with me.

My body shifts closer to him and we walk with our sides touching. My brain has already made up its mind to tell the boys everything but my heart is clenching with sadness because I'm unsure about the choice. The trip back to the waiting room is too quick and we already find our adult supervisors there talking with a girl. Her blonde hair is a bob with bangs and she bears a striking resemblance to Tanaka. Noya runs to the woman and she looks at the boy with a smile and then back to the team. She eyes me for longer than necessary and Takeda steps in.

"You guys can go see him. Don't be too loud though. When he's tired, come out here and we'll eat some dinner before we decide what to do next," the teacher tells us and we all nod solemnly.

Noya leads us towards a room and I know that they've checked on Tanaka while I fell asleep. It was the only thing that could keep me from the voices though, so I can hardly blame my slumber; that and I feel so weak right now. As we enter a room that could barely hold us all, Tanaka is laying on a hospital bed while attempting to eat some jello. Kiyoko is already in the room and I realize that she must have been keeping Tanaka's sister some company. The girl gives me a relieved smile and I place Aone and I near the girl on the side of room next to the darkened window.

"This really tastes horrible," Tanaka complains as he spoons more green semi-formed liquid into his mouth. He smiles and I can't help but feel worried as I look at the pad bandage on his left temple. He must have cut himself somehow. Ennoshita gives Tanaka a napkin as the boy drops jello onto the blue blanket, heaving a sigh while cracking a smile.

"You're so messy," Tsukki teases softly but his voice is its regular coarse self. The blonde snickers as Tanaka groans and points the spoon at him.

"You always drop food too," the bald boy argues and Yamaguchi snickers at this.

"Shut up Yamaguchi," Tsukki glares slightly but the brunette laughs a bit more.

"Sorry Tsukki," he whispers after a while and Hinata goes to Tanaka. The ginger looks at his bandage, hand reaching out. Kageyama yanks it back before it could make contact and then Daichi clears his throat, telling them to quit acting like toddlers. Kinnoshita and Narita have served themselves water and I shake my head at them. They look down reprimanded that they're drinking a sick person's water.

"So did you guys win?" Tanaka asks happily, killing the light mood in the room. The bald boy notices Daichi's sad face and frowns deeply. Tanaka looks like he wants to cry but Suga steps in.

"It's okay Tanaka. You have next year," Suga coos but the boy starts to cry.

"But you guys don't," he murmurs.

I look at the third years and feel my heart pang. The three oldest boys are trying to keep it together but I can tell they're falling apart. They're disappointed. I could hardly blame the loss on them or on Tanaka. It was true that if Tanaka hadn't taken such a hard hit, we would have won. But they must have lost the second set because of shock and then they didn't have the stamina for the third. Aone's hand trembles in mine as he feels the pain of his own loss and the regret that he didn't beat us so that none of this would have ever happened.

"We have the spring tournament," Kiyoko whispers quietly. I look at the girl next to me and she has a composed face, knowing that she has to be strong for all of us.

"What's the spring tournament?" I ask her and she gives me a smirk.

"It's a tournament that we can go to after summer. We haven't gone to one since my first year but everyone competes again if they stay on the team," she tells us and I feel my face contort.

"Stay? You mean the third years. You guys have to look at colleges and stuff so you wouldn't' actually do sports," I tell her and then look towards the third year boys. They look determined and have their jaws set into harsh lines.

"We'll go. We should have enough time for other stuff," Daichi tells me lightly but I shake my head.

"You guys have to think about this. You have to be looking at the future," I argue. Suga steps in again before this can turn into a full blown out argument.

"We'll talk about this later," he airs, eyes darting to Tanaka worriedly. He doesn't want to worry the boy in the bed. Everyone's on edge for a moment before Aone breathes out heavily. The boy looks at me and I know he wants me to tell them now. I shake my head and he just continues to stare down with deep brown eyes.

"How did you know that doctor?" Tsukki asks me, picking up where Asahi left off earlier. I give the blond a sharp look and he meets it, scowl adorning his pale face.

"What doctor?" Tanaka asks as he looks from me to the others.

"We went to see a doctor about staying here and Katrina took us to the head of the psychiatric department," Asahi fills him and Kiyoko in. I run my tongue along my teeth, mouth feeling dry all of a sudden.

You should tell them so they can leave you. They won't leave me. They will leave you. No, they're my friends. You're a monster, no one is really friends with a monster. They see past all of that, I shouldn't be afraid anymore. But you can't change the fact that they'll leave just like your old team, that they'll learn to hate you just the same. The boys wouldn't do that. If you tell them, you worthless freak, they will leave you. I don't think they will.

"Katrina, you can tell us," Nishinoya breaks the inner debate. My eyes close harder than before and I open them to see that I'm already crying. Aone pulls me closer into him and I wish that he didn't see how scared I was or how my hand trembles within his.

"You guys will leave me though," I break. The boys around me become concerned, faces showing uncertainty and their lips making frowns. Kiyoko puts her hand on my other arm and I lean into her palm. She's warm just like Aone and I know they're real. How can I even start to tell them what's wrong with me?

"We won't leave you," Hinata whispers to me and I can see his amber eyes tell me the truth, though they don't know everything about me. I shake my head as the tears start to fall faster. They're going to leave me. I failed them today. It's a miracle they're still here with me.

"You can't be sure. Once you hear, you guys won't stay."

"Tell us so we can decide. Don't decide for us and keep us in the dark," Tsukki hisses angrily. His eyes show all the anger that he's been holding. Just because I apologized about freaking out doesn't mean that he wasn't still angry at me for disappearing. This must not be good for Tanaka's stress levels.

"If I tell you, you guys have to promise to not think of me differently," I urge them and they all nod quickly.

They're more worried about what's wrong with me than making me silly promises. My final defense is gone and I pull away from my support system, Aone knowing that I want to do this on my own again. I always have to tell people on my own. I don't want anyone else to have the burden of holding me up when I'm falling apart. No one should have that kind of responsibility.

"It's okay Katrina," Tanaka tells me as I walk to the corner of the room. He reaches out to me and I shake my head as I hold myself. Leaning into the wall, I begin my story full of tears and a choking feeling in my throat.

"I have always played volleyball. My parents weren't home and so I started really young. Everyone thought that I was the genius and I was nationally ranked as the best libero Germany ever had," I tell them with a level voice. My hands come off my body as they wipe at the tears. I have to stop feeling so sorry for myself. I have to let the boys leave me if they want to and not guilt them into staying. "For high school I wanted to go to a boarding school in Switzerland. That's where everything started to go wrong."

"What happened?" Hinata interrupts and Kageyama hits him for silence. My lips quirk even though my lungs contract and my side gains a sharp pain. I'm going to miss this. Might as well give them the sparknotes version and be done with this more quickly.

"I started hearing voices," I proclaim, the boys somehow swallowing up any sounds possible. I bite my lip and look at Suga who has some form of realization in his eyes. Looking down, I start again. "At first they were just jumbles of mess. Then they got louder and louder and louder. Soon enough, they were so loud that I couldn't hear myself think, couldn't play like I could. The voices changed my entire life.

"So I did what I could, my coach was always angry at me. I didn't tell anyone because I was scared that they would think I was crazy. I really should have told someone," I confess, the last statement so quiet and broken. Aone comes a bit closer to me, knowing this next part is going to be the hardest hurdle. I close my eyes while I take a deep breath to tell them the worst message of their lives. "I began to hurt myself. Pain was and is the only way to stop them without medication. I wore bandages but I really wasn't good enough to play, so I didn't. The team needed me though for one last tournament where I had to play.

"Gilbert got angry at me when we were playing our first game. I wasn't a good libero anymore. I wasn't anything anymore. Everyone saw the scars after he pulled my bandages off, claiming I wasn't playing well with the cloth."

I feel nothing again. The emotions have been so uncontrollable since my attack after Aone's game and they just come on and off, no in between of sanity. Maybe this is all for the best. Maybe if I can't feel anything, nothing will really hurt me. I move closer to Aone as my hands go to my sleeves. My eyes avoid the boys, scared I'll see the disgust that my team had in their eyes when they saw before. I can do this. I have to tell them.

"I, well, I couldn't take the voices after they laughed at me. The girls on the team called me terrible names and the voices just joined in with them," I whisper as tears start to form again. I try to not feel anything but Tsukki breaks that.

"That's why you don't want to be called freak. They told you that," the boy realizes and I glance up to see pity. He slumps with sadness and I know he wishes he never started this. He wishes he never hurt me this badly.

"Yah they did. I went home and it hurt so badly what they said," I tell him, not breaking my gaze with him. The boy flinches with next words and I can see the tears form in his eyes. "I tried to kill myself later that day."

"Katrina," Suga whispers in shock.

My eyes flick to find him actually crying, hand to his mouth as he tries to hold in the sounds of sadness. Daichi has a hand on his shoulder and as my eyes take him in, he looks at me even more shakily, as if he wonders just how I could have ever been so sad. My hands pull the sleeves up and my tears fall to the floor along with Kiyoko's who has started to cry harder than me. Gasps go out as they find the long lines tracing my veins. I can feel the voices try to rise up and Aone can't take seeing me try to do this on my own. The boy has a hand on shoulder and he wraps his arm around me. I squeeze my eyes tightly as the boys come closer to me. They're going to start yelling and I start talking to get them to stay back.

"Hana is my psychiatrist. I have paranoid schizophrenia. I know that you guys don't want to stay and it's okay to leave—"

"You shouldn't say that," Yamaguchi threatens. He and Hinata rush to me and then wrap me up in their arms. The shock of it all makes my body stiffen and my breath catches in my throat. "You're our friend. We won't leave."

"None of us are going anywhere," Asahi wails as he cries harder. My eyes hurt with the tears and the boys crush me as they all hug me. Kiyoko and Aone are the two closest after the first years and I can feel my legs go weak. They're hugging me. They haven't left me. I smile as my heart pounds in my ears and I attempt to wrap all of them up in the same hug. My head spins and I try to smile even though my body aches with sadness.

"We won't ever leave you."

My head feels light and I pass out from exhaustion and dehydration while being the happiest person on earth.

* * *

 **Hey everybody. I'm so sorry that I haven't updated in forever. I'm trying to get used to my schedule and I kept flip flopping about how I wanted to write this chapter. It was really weird and I tried to write a bit differently. I don't know. I'm tired and I don't know if this is crap or not. I hope you guys don't hate this and thank you to everyone who ever reviews. You guys are awesome. I really appreciate all of the feedback you guys give me and I am really working on making my writing style good. (I hate that I only kinda said good but I'm too tired to find a word)**

 **As always, follow, fave, review, obsess. Loves yous guys!**

 **I'll have the next chapter up sooner, I promise.**


	25. Rabbit Holes and Wonderlands

**Chapter Twenty-Five: Rabbit Holes and Wonderlands**

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" **I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then."**

― **Lewis Carroll,** _ **Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass**_

" **If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?"**

― **Lewis Carroll,** _ **Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass**_

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I think that waking up in a hospital should make me nervous but to be completely honest, it makes me feel a bit comforted. The first time that it had happened was after I tried to kill myself, so what a surprise it was to wake up alive. I think I was relieved that I wasn't dead, but I don't like to think about that.

Though maybe it's a bit like Alice from Wonderland. She falls down a rabbit hole and you would expect yourself to really die after that but she does quite the opposite. She finds a magical place of her own choosing and I think as a kid I hoped she would have liked it. I don't really remember. I never actually read the book—that was the year that I was practicing forty hours a week and didn't have time for homework.

So as I wake up I find I have the normal side effects of your throat being so fuzzy and your body being weighted down. There was a prick in my arm and I know that there must be a needle in my vein. Taking deep breaths, I find it's easy to take in the oxygen to my lungs. This is oddly drastic for me to have oxygen to breathe. Normally they say I don't need and avoid making my lungs weak.

What happened to me? Who will I find when I open my eyes? Will I be alone? God, I don't know what the hell is going to happen. I think it would be best if I just keep sleeping and ignore the world. It seems like a good prospect if my hand wasn't falling asleep painfully. The fingers on my right hand felt like they were being attacked with pins and needles.

I open my eyes to find the white ceiling and the lights are dimmer than I would have thought. Shifting in the warm bed, I move my arm to find it under my leg. I must have rolled on top of it. I finger the blankets, finding more of them than necessary in the cold hospital. Hospitals are always that uncomfortable kind of cold.

My hand still stings as I take the oxygen tube from my nose. I scratch my nose for good measure as I wonder what just happened. The boys weren't here. Takeda, Ukai and Kiyoko weren't here. Aone wasn't here. I could only suppose they cut out when they had a chance. I can't blame them. Some machine next to me starts beeping and I check my arm as I notice the IV is mainly clear. They must be liquids.

The beeping continues but I merely shuffle to the foot of my bed and grab my medical chart. The damn file was huge but the most recent packet was thin. Opening it up, I have no idea what I am going to find. When I find the words 'seizure' and 'overdose' I feel my heart stop. As I read on, I think they might have to add heart attack to my list of problems because I can't believe what happened.

I read the notes as they proclaim I had a seizure due to a combination of exhaustion, dehydration and an overdose of my medication. I must have taken too many. I took some medication when I got to the hospital with Tanaka and I took some after Aone's game. It was too close together and I hadn't eaten anything substantial to balance it out as it broke down; the only thing that I actually ate was the rice ball Aone forced me to have, which might have actually saved my life. Goddamnit, the trial medication is volatile and if it was any other antipsychotics I could have gotten away with it.

"I can see you're awake," a monotone voice breaks my thoughts. My head bounces up to find Hana in her white coat.

"Did you have to pump my stomach?" I ask as I go back to the chart. It doesn't say they emptied my body of its contents.

"No. We just flushed you with liquids since you already broke down the medication. It was mostly your stress level that caused the seizure," she replies. My head begins to pound and my stomach growls. God am I hungry.

"How long has it been?" I ask as I clear my throat. Hana holds her hand out to grab the file from me. I hand it over and catch a crack of a smile, the doctor amused that I'm not freaking out because I am in the hospital.

"You were only asleep for half a day. Those boys are still here. They refused to leave last night and I put them up in one of my unused rooms," she murmurs softly. I bite my lip as the woman pushes me to sit back so she can check me. The boys didn't leave me. What the hell am I going to say to them? What do people say to friends who have decided to stay through the worst of yourself? Hana drops a thick robe on my lap after taking my pulse and checking my lungs.

"Can't I go home?" I ask the woman. She shakes her head even though her hand is at my inner elbow, removing the needle in my vein.

"I wouldn't advise it because you do live alone. I would like an adult watch you if you are out of my care," she says strictly. I am not leaving. I will not ask a parent to take me in and she won't let me be alone. At least my mind is hazy so I don't have to worry about the voices coming up right now.

"How long am I going to be off the trial?"

"Two weeks."

"That's an awful long time Hana."

"I know Katrina but you have to put up with it," she teases in a dull voice which you couldn't tell if she was really joking. When the woman gestures for me to get up, hands softly pulling me, then I can see the happiness in her eyes. I must have scared her.

"I'm sorry," I apologize. Hana shakes her head as the woman tenderly puts the robe on me. She pulls my hair out of the collar and then puts it in a messy bun. I must look like such a mess. There is a pit forming in my stomach, a rock sitting uncomfortably weighed down with worry. The boys must have been so scared and now they must be disgusted with me.

My fingers shake as I fix the sleeves of the robe to be lower, covering skin that I have run out of on my appendage. I can't believe I showed them the scars. I can't even look at the scars. Suga was crying he was so sad. For god's sake, I don't know why I told them. I wanted to tell them but I didn't want them to know. I wanted them to not worry but I could never convince them nothing was wrong.

"Whatever you're thinking is wrong. They won't think you're flawed or a freak or a monster. Just go out there and I'll be right behind you if you need me," Hana whispers as she pushes me to the door.

Bare feet pad across the hospital floor and my skin couldn't feel so foreign if I was a different person. The balls of my feet waver as I force myself to take the plunge out of the room. My hand turns the knob and I notice how cold my skin is at the moment. I'm always cold, just like the hospital. I push the door open and the other side holds the boys who wait around, some pacing and some sitting and some leaning against the wall. Their faces all turn to me as the door gives an annoying creak.

"Katrina," Hinata screams as he runs to me. I open my arms just in time for the boy to round his arms around my neck. I can feel his body shake against me and he rubs his running eyes on my white collar. "I'm glad you're okay. Please don't do this again. You really scared me."

"It's okay Hinata. I'm fine now," I coo as I begin to smooth his hair. Yamaguchi is suddenly hugging my back as he weeps on top of my head. "It's okay guys. I'm going to be alright."

"You better be," Tsukki deadpans as his large hand grabs my side. He grasps the terry cloth material between his fingers, not really being the kind to hug but I can see in his eyes that he's terrified. The warmth of fear thaws his cold eyes that he tries to mask so the tears won't fall. A body is next to Hinata and Kageyama hesitates before he puts his arms around me and then around Hinata. The ginger cries harder as the brunette squeezes his body.

"She's fine you idiot. Right?" Kageyama asks shakily. He's trying to be strong for Hinata but doesn't know what is going to happen to me. I smile at the taller boy and he nods. "She'll be fine. Stop being such a crybaby."

"You're so mean Bakeyama. I hate you," Hinata says without much force. I hold the boy's face to my neck and let him cry himself out.

"Katrina, why didn't you tell us about everything earlier?" Daichi asks beyond my hugging circle and Tsukki's version of physical contact. I can feel Hinata and Yamaguchi stop weeping even though Yamaguchi has moved his arms around my waist as he presses me into him. When I meet the eyes of my captain, his dark orbs are concerned and his face is grave.

"I didn't want to bother you guys. You didn't need the burden," I tell him as I feel my heart beat faster. My mouth has turned moist since I woke up while my hands sweat a bit.

"You will never be a burden," Suga proclaims strongly. Asahi nods next to him, bold as well as sure of himself. The silver haired boy gives me an almost dirty look as he comes closer to me. Tsukki and Kageyama ready to protect me but Suga merely touches my face gently. The boy trails a thumb on my cheek as his face softens, warm comforting smile coming to his lips.

"I'm sorry," I tell the third year. "I won't do it again. I'll tell you, I promise."

"Good. Now let's see if we can eat. Everyone is starving," he replies and Hinata sniffles.

"Can I get rice and a raw egg?" he blubbers and I laugh, the noise strong and pure.

All of my first years detach themselves from me. Suga puts his arm around my shoulder and he leads me to the others. Hana taps me on the back as she hands me my black slip on shoes I had in my satchel. Smiling, I put them on while holding onto our team mother of sorts. Daichi nods at me before Tanaka and Nishinoya take off down the hall.

"Why is he up?" I whisper to the group around me as I point to the bald boy jumping around. Hana comes to my side and stares at Tanaka as he gains distance from us.

"I discharged him when you were asleep but told him he had to stay close. His concussion will fade slowly and there's no use in me confining him," she responds. I nod slowly and then begin to follow them to the cafeteria. I need to keep an eye on Tanaka just in case.

"I am so hungry," Tanaka cheers as Nishinoya jumps in the air.

"Me too. I'm glad Katrina got up earlier than expected," the libero adds enthusiastically. The rest of us walk slowly and in content silence, the boys not going to push me to speak about something that is still too fresh. But they will ask. They will have questions and I suspect I'm going to have to answer them when we have this meal.

What should I do? They deserve answers and the worst of it is now over. I already told them the scariest things about myself. I gather the strength as my lungs take in more air. I breathe in deeply as I feel the warmth from Suga next to me. He's warm and the boys are calm. I need to gather my courage but I know something is not here. It isn't until my hands wring about each other for warmth that I notice someone is missing.

"Where's— "

"He had to go home to watch his sister. He didn't want to leave but we told him we'd call when you got up," Daichi interrupts my question. Aone must have been so tired. God, I can't believe he was even here with me for Tanaka. He is so considerate but I feel like he's too nice to me sometimes. Though I would never want him to change how he cares for me or how I care for him.

"I'll call him—"

"I already text him," Ennoshita interrupts just like the captain. I look in front at the second year as he holds a guilty expression. What did he tell Aone? The boy turns back around and no one is going to talk about what they told the boy who they think I am dating. I am not dating him though.

There is somewhere in the back of my head and at the center of my heart that made me wish Aone was here. My brain argued that he had to take care of his sister and that I wasn't someone he immediately had to be with. I'm just the crazy girl that he's stuck with. Right? I expect for my voice to chime in and tell me that this is completely wrong and I am being ridiculous, but I get no answer because of the medication, so I just sulk.

"He-"

"I don't want to talk about it," I say curtly to Suga's reassuring voice. I don't want to think about him because it only makes me yearn for him more. Suga rubs my shoulder and I lean into the boy as I steal his warmth and strength. I can't expect Aone to always be here for me. I can't expect him to stay for me.

"What do you want to eat?" Yamaguchi asks me as my eyes take in a cafeteria. I must have retreated into my head and missed our actually journey through the halls.

"I'll take some rice," I murmur as my legs shake slightly.

I've walked too much on the limbs and now they're starting to hurt. Kageyama notices my legs and Hinata grabs my arm at the same time, both of them dragging me off to sit at a table. They push me down into the chair and then march off to get me some food. Meanwhile, Suga sits next to me while Daichi takes his order like the good captain he is.

"Katrina," Suga calls to get my attention. I glance at the third year to find him studying me carefully. My body doesn't know whether it should be blushing or whether to grow cold under his inspection. I settle on a grumpy look and Suga gives me a bright smile.

"What are you smiling at?" I groan a bit before breaking eye contact.

"Are you worried that your friend doesn't like you?" I open my mouth to disagree but Suga scoffs as he pulls his chair closer to me. "He likes you, you know."

"He can't like me," I reply childishly, arms folded across my chest. Suga giggles and I look at him to find the boy with a soft look.

"You like him too. Everyone can see it. Why not just admit your feelings?" Suga offers with a tilt of his head. He's trying to trap me in a corner. He wants me to admit something. I know precisely what he wants me to say but I will avoid it at all costs.

"Why not just admit your feelings?" I mimic snidely. The setter rolls his eyes and I pick at a string on my robe.

"We had to literally threaten him to leave. He really didn't want to leave you, so don't worry about it. He'll be back," Suga replies.

I don't know how the boy's mood can have changed in such a short amount of time. He was angry at me for not telling him something so important and now he's lecturing about boys. He reminds me of my mother with how quickly they can forgive you. Even though my mother has yet to forgive herself for something that was never actually her fault to begin with.

"Katrina I got you a toast," Hinata informs me as he places food in front of my face. He smiles brightly and I cringe a bit as Kageyama smacks him in the back of the head. The brunette places silverware for me and glares at the ginger.

"You said you got me one too," he mutters disappointedly and I know Kageyama loves his food. Before the two boys can get into a fight, I cut my toast in half while handing a piece to Kageyama.

"I'm not going to be able to eat it all," I tell him. Kageyama smiles a creepy smile that I know it's him just trying to smile. Hinata turns white but when I smile at the boy, he understands Kageyama isn't trying to be scary.

The boys all settle at the long table as the quiet munching starts. Everyone has several different items in front of them and I can see the sadness still in their eyes. They wear their gym shorts and their jackets seem dull—probably from dirt and sweat because we haven't gone home in two days—and they hang lifeless on their stiff bodies. I begin to spoon some rice into my mouth when I find that Yamaguchi and Nishinoya are watching me carefully. They try not to stare but I know it's impossible.

They don't understand what really happened to me. I doubt Hana told them why I had a seizure or explained what schizophrenia was to begin with. Narita avoids my eyes when I look towards him and then I catch Asahi with his face almost in his bowl of miso soup. They don't want to look at me but at the same time, they are curious as all hell. My hand stops its path for the spoon to enter my mouth and I drop it in the bowl.

"Katrina?" Daichi asks from across the table. He seems concerned with my action and has these frightened eyes on his soft face. I sigh deeply while I run a hand through my hair, taking it out of whatever excuse for a bun Hana made. I untangle it while I breathe in deeply, life coming to me with the small meal and my comfort returning because the boys are mostly the same.

"I know that I always say I don't want to talk about it, but I think you guys should understand everything," I tell them carefully. I poke at the end of my hair and I start to braid it while looking down. Suga shifts next to me and I know he's unsure of what to say. They're all unsure. That is except for the two who are completely oblivious, Kageyama by stupidity and Tsukishima by a curt nature.

"You were diagnosed three years ago?" Tsukki begins the conversation after a heartbeat. All the others tense and I look up to find his eyes wide with curiosity behind his glasses. Though there is a hint of uncertainty in the orbs, he's mostly perturbed that I didn't tell them sooner.

"Yah. The anniversary was last week, that's why I was freaking out," I tell them and Tsukki's eyes get even wider with surprise. Daichi takes over next.

"What does your condition mean? Like what happens to you if you're not on medication?" he says swiftly. Then he thinks better and puts his hands up to take back his words. "Not that I don't think you shouldn't take your medication but just so we know if something does happen. I just want to make sure we can help you."

"It's fine Daichi," I reassure him with a small smile. He hyperventilates a bit more and then looks at Suga who sits next to me. The silver haired boy is sitting stone faced as I conquer my biggest fears. But somehow, I'm not afraid. They're still here. I don't think they're going to leave me.

"What was it again?" Tanaka butts in. I look at the bald second year to find him giving me a sympathetic expression. His eyes are droopy still from the concussion and I know he hasn't recovered as much as he would have wanted to.

"I have paranoid schizophrenia," I tell them slowly. The boys all nod with understanding and I can't help but smile because they're actually listening to everything. I finally have friends who want to know what's wrong with me because they want to help me. "It does a lot of what its name suggests. It makes me paranoid. My brain gets these weird ideas and I hear, like, voices telling me things."

"What do they tell you?" Asahi blurts out. He immediately turns red while he covers his mouth with his hands. The large boy is glared at but my laughter at how me can be so big but so scared causes the boys to whip back to me. They seem surprised, mouths open and glances at each other to see if the situation is actually real. They don't expect me to be myself.

"Guys, I'm fine, I swear. You guys haven't left yet so I'm fine," I say through a large smile.

"We won't leave you!" Nishinoya shouts in the cafeteria. We're promptly shushed and the boys all give stern nods, agreeing that they won't leave me.

"I know, I know. It's just that a lot of people left me so, well, I get scared. I was scared that you guys would think I was crazy," I confess softly, the volume at our table going down several notches.

"You're not crazy though," Hinata breaks the silence that had built up. I turn to gaze down the table to find the ginger with hauntingly clear eyes. You can see through them to his pure little soul. He smiles a bit and goes on. "You might do weird things, like when you always squeak your shoes twice before you go in the gym or when you make coffee even though you don't drink any or when you have to wait for everyone to get meat buns before you get your seafood one."

"Or how you can't work technology to save your life," Yamaguchi snickers.

"Or when you yell at us because you know we skipped a lap in running," Tanaka moans.

"You do weird things but you're not crazy Katrina," Hinata ends with a large smile.

He bounces in his seat and I can feel the heat rise to my cheeks. They have already memorized all my weird habits. That is actually really embarrassing. But the thing is that they don't see me as crazy. They think I'm normal. They see me as Katrina. As my eyes scan them all, I know that they see me no differently now than yesterday. To them, I'm their coach, their friend, their small girl whom they protect.

I gulp before I can start crying and I pick up with their questions.

"Thanks guys," I begin as I twiddle my thumbs. "The voices, well, they make me paranoid. They tell me people are watching me. I get nervous, start to not trust anyone. If you guys find me where I'm acting extremely strange, chances are my medication wore off."

"Is that why you have panic attacks?" Daichi asks softly, the care in his eyes showing he just wants to know for my safety.

"That would be correct," I tell him with a reassuring but shameful smile. "The trial medication is less heavy than the antipsychotics but that means I'm not shielded completely. The antipsychotics though make it hard to think. That's why I didn't play for a while. I couldn't think fast enough to play. With the new medication, I have to be off of it sometimes but it works so much better for me."

"What does the normal medication feel like?" Ennoshita prods a bit. I bite my lip as I try to think how to describe what I actually feel. The boys all wait patiently for me to come up with an answer.

"It feels like, well, maybe it would be easier to tell you what's missing. When I'm on the antipsychotics I don't have that little voice in your head that tells you things. It's like my conscience or the really loud voice that pops into your head isn't there. It feels foggy, almost like you try to think but it takes too much effort."

"That sounds terrible," Nishinoya blurts out. Everyone gives him glares but I just shrug because it's the truth.

"Yah pretty much. That's why I like the trial. Suoh can't have me on it forever though. Not when we're still testing it," I tell them.

For a moment they seem like they want to ask something more. My head pounds from holding in tears for so long and the fogginess gets the fear to be a monster under my bed—worried it might be there but too tired to actually check. I sigh and then grab the spoon to finish the rice. The boys don't pry anymore and the world is quiet, our breakfast carrying on with a sort of comradery that makes my heart swell with joy.

Suga soon pushes a bowl of miso soup in front of me and I don't deny the food. My stomach was barely beginning to feel full and I liked the taste of the soup. Normally I stayed away from hospital food but right now it tasted like the food of the gods. Around us doctors ate along with the families of the patients they treat. Some people look like they are dead on the inside, awaiting news of life when they expect someone to die; others look like they have saved lives, the weight of playing god making them tired mentally. I just seem comfortable here with both my boys and the white walls of the hospital cafeteria.

"My lovely Katrina," a voice calls, far too loud and far too joyful to actually be welcoming. I turn and look around the boys to find a head of green along with one of light hair. Suoh smiles larger than I have ever seen, mischievous look in his eyes as he waves to me. When I see Aone, the only thing that I could have hoped for was that I didn't look like a mess. Immediately my hands fix my robe and I realize I probably look like death.

"This isn't good," I whisper as I have the harsh thought that Aone shouldn't have come. I want to see him but I don't want him to see me like this. So I quickly get away from the table and walk even more quickly to the two newcomers. Suoh grabs me before I can chide him for being loud and he giggles in my ear. I push him away with a very, very uncomfortable feeling that he's going to do something melodramatic.

"I found your boyfriend at the nurses' station. I can't believe you didn't call him," Suoh says in a teasing tone.

My ears heat up a shade of red and my heart beats faster when I look at Aone. The boy is examining me to see if I'm unharmed and when he finally catches what Suoh said about him being in a relationship with me, he turns red. I can't help but smile with his embarrassed look, the boy coughing a bit with surprise. He wears a black t-shirt and jeans, his hair slightly messed up because it must still be early in the morning.

For a moment I realize that I don't even know what time it is but this train of thought is broken when Aone comes closer to me and looks down into my face. I look back up into his brown eyes to find them worried, the orbs shifting quickly to take in every detail of my face. Suoh makes his exit while I find a smile making its way to my face. Aone wants to smile too but can only manage his serious look as his large hand comes to my face. He touches my cheek gently and I lean into the callous fingers.

"I'm fine. I just took too many doses of my medication but I'm fine now," I reassure him and Aone breathes in deeply with relief.

I grab his hand before it can pull away from my cheek, my thumb rubbing his fingers gently. The boy smiles and my breath catches as my heart beats faster. He's so handsome when he gives me that small smile of his that lights up his eyes. I don't ever want to be without this look. I make him happy and I want to continue making him happy.

Aone slowly moves his other hand to my waist as he brings me closer for a hug. He's such a physical person, needing the reassurance of my hand in his and even showing this sort of thing in public. I don't complain as my neck burns red hot because the boys are starting to cheer and give comments in the background. And it isn't until the hand I hold on my cheek moves to hold my chin that I think something else might be happening.

Aone leans down further to me and I watch as his face approaches mine slowly, as if to not scare me away. The boy towers over me and I breathe hard. Shit, he's going to kiss me. But I'm a mess. Maybe I shouldn't think about this. But I don't want my first kiss to be in a fucking hospital. I clench my eyes shut as I try to deliberate what to do. I panic, only to find lips on my face, gently kissing my forehead.

"I'm glad you're alright," Aone whispers to me.

I open my eyes to find him wrapping his arms around me as he crushes my body into his. My arms go around him in response and I bury my face in his warm chest. I can feel his heart beat rapidly and know that he was nervous too. Though as he holds me ever tighter, I know that he was scared that I wouldn't be okay. I breathe in deeply to find the boy smelling like how I remember my father used to—softener from the laundry and something like an old spice body wash.

"I'm glad you came back," I whisper to him. Aone moves a bit and manages to kiss my temple, lighting my whole body on fire while I crave more. There is a sort of disconnect from wanting him to pick me up and kiss me senseless and not wanting him to let me go because this is the safest place in the world.

"Always," he confesses.

I rub my forehead into his body more while I hear doctors around us telling the boys to stop yelling. They're so ridiculous sometimes. It is then that I realize that I have everything that I thought I would have lost when they found out who I was. I have the boy that won't ever let me go and a team that sees me as myself. They didn't leave. They say they will never do that. They will always be with me.

And the only words that I can put to the emotion making my heart clench is joy, though there is something else stronger than that. I think it's love but I blame the medication for anything crazy I think. Like how I'm blaming the medication on the invasive thoughts that I am falling in love with Aone or that I'm really in a coma because none of this would ever happen or that I really did fall down a rabbit hole somewhere along the line because this is just crazy.

* * *

I get released from the hospital three days later and after so much arguing for the boys to go home. They tried to sleep in my room but I forced them to go home. Takeda and Ukai also showed up and dragged them away, so they really didn't have a choice. Hana let me go on Saturday and I had also forced the boys to start practicing again that day. That meant there was no one at the hospital when I got out. I made sure that they wouldn't be here. I made sure there would be no one. Though that was a lie.

When I exited the double doors of the hospital I found a group of boys. Except they weren't exactly my boys. No, these were Aone's boys. The group of boys from Date Tech were dressed in their practice clothes, t-shirts with their track suits. Aone waves to me and the group of boys walk to me.

"Hey," I mutter to Aone. The boy stands closest to me and I look around him to his team. When I look back at him, he's raising an invisible brow. "You have practice today?"

Aone nods his head in agreement and I bite my lip. I still wear my black Karasuno club jacket, a black speck in a sea of white and teal. The small captain comes to me and is smiling cheerily. He reminds me of Suga with the way he smiles—comforting but his is much more stressed. I bow to him as I am about to introduce myself but the boy starts flailing.

"Please, no, there's no need for formalities," he stutters. I get up to find Aone surprised and a blush at his neck. I don't know why he's so nervous but I think it has to do with the teasing smile of his teammates.

"She's so polite," the third year spiker says. He has light blonde hair and a large grin on his face while he walks around me. I turn with him, my braid swinging around with the action. The boy finally stops in front of me and puts his hand out. "Yasushi Kamasaki at your service."

"Stop freaking her out," Futakuchi tells his senpai. The older boy turns on the second year with a glare, me not even getting the chance to shake his hand.

"I am not freaking her out. She's fine. Girls like me," he proclaims. Futakuchi bursts out in laughter and I can't help but crack a smile. The rest of the team snickers and Kamasaki only scoffs at us. "Like you're one to talk Futakuchi."

"I do better than you," Futakuchi tells me to the side, extending his own hand.

I take it in mine and the boy shifts closer to me, looking like he wants to whisper in my ear. This just causes Aone to shift closer because his friend gives me a large smile that denotes mischief. When I look at Aone, he is giving his friend a jealous look, lips pursed and eyebrows scrunched. I smile at him while butterflies enter my stomach. He actually cares about who I talk to and touch. In that moment the bouncing libero appears in front of me.

"Hi, I'm Kosuke Sakunami but you can call me Saku," he says joyfully. He has energy of a libero, always having to be moving. The captain comes in front of me again and then gestures to the rest of his team.

"Here is Takehito Sasaya and Yutaka Obara. I'm Kaname Moniwa. It is a pleasure to meet you," Moniwa tells me happily. The boy looks at Aone and gives a proud smile, chest swelling with approval. "Aone has told us a lot about you."

"Has he?" I ask them with a raised brow. Aone turns away from my gaze, guilty as charged for talking about me to his teammates. When I look back at his team they're smiling from ear to ear. For a moment, I wonder if I can tease the boy who stands closer to me with each passing moment. I settle against it and look at his team with a curious look. "Are you guys going to head to practice? I assume you're riding the train with us."

"We're actually coming with you," Moniwa confesses. I know I have a confused face because why would they be coming with us? Well, with me really. I have to go back home and they stop before me.

"Your captain suggested we have a scrimmage with you guys," Kamasaki tells me with a devious look.

I can't tell if I should be happy that they're spending more time with my boys or if I should be scared. They're probably going to gang up and tease Aone and I for something that isn't actually true. When I look at Aone I can tell he's thinking the same thing, his serious face even scarier as he tries to think about how we can get out of this. The truth is we can't.

"Besides, your team wanted to pick you up but you told them they couldn't," Futakuchi says with a blunt tone. "So they sent us instead."

"So now we get to go with you," the libero exclaims happily. I smile at them because in a lot of ways they're like my own team. Except for the fact that I have a lot more kids to worry about.

I stand for a moment looking around the circle of boys, them staring back at me with curious faces and Aone with cheeky looks. Aone can sense my hesitation at what to do, so he reaches out towards me. He always need to hold my hand and I will always reach out for him in a heartbeat. The boy blushes a bit while our fingers merely brush one another. My stomach does a roll while I quickly link our pinkies and then unlink them again, starting to walk towards the bus.

Aone and I don't reach out for one another again but we sit on the bus and train while our sides touch. It was sort of a comfort for me that he can still stand to be with me, while I think it was a sort of comfort for him because he was nervous. All of the boys were a little quiet when we rode the train. They lost to my boys and here they were, a couple of days later, having to play against them again. When we were thirty minutes from our stop, Aone grabbed the long sleeve of my jacket to get my attention.

"Hmm," I breathe out as my slow train of thought ceases. As I look to Aone, he has a sort of scared look, lips crushed together but eyes wide with slight fear. I search his face to find the start of these emotions as he's swallowing down whatever he was going to say. Futakuchi who sits next to Aone on his other side, catches the look and gives me a confused expression. I look back to Aone to find him looking across the train, as if to say that it was nothing.

"You can tell me," I whisper to Aone. The large boy stiffens as he shakes his head. What is going on? Normally Aone would be able to tell me anything. Now he's hiding something I can clearly see is a problem. Aone still hasn't let go of my sleeve and I pat the hand with my free one to reassure him that I'm still here. Aone was restless for the remainder of the ride, not meeting my eyes for some odd reason.

When we all stand to get off the train, Aone remains sitting, like he isn't ready to get off or is denial that this is our stop. Futakuchi looks at his friend and then looks back at me with confused eyes. Aone doesn't normally do this and the team doesn't understand what is going on. I don't understand what is really happening but I stand in front of Aone to find out. The boy looks at our feet and I grab his face in my hands.

"Aone, whatever it is," I begin to tell him but I choke on my words. He finally looks at me and his brown eyes show fear. I feel my heart sink with worry. Why is he scared? I don't want him to be scared. My face is already leaning in and I kiss his forehead gently. I don't want to tell him that everything will be fine because I don't understand what everything is. What I can do is be right there for him when he needs me.

Aone grabs my hand as he stands quickly, our exit of the train making my brain spin with how fast it occurs. As we get to the front, the large boy releases my hand but stands close and I wonder why he lets go of me so often. When we're alone, he doesn't mind holding my hand for long. I look around at his friends and the thought occurs to me he might be well, ashamed of me. My heart squeezes and my breath gets caught in my throat in an uncomfortable way.

"Katrina," someone yells to me and soon my vision is flooded with boys running to me. For a moment I wonder how often they use my name but it ends when Tanaka barrels into me. Next thing I know he's picking me up.

"Whoa, too high," I squeal as the boy lifts me over his shoulder. I'm grabbed like a rag doll by Asahi who holds me away from his body.

"You can't pick her up funny," Asahi reprimands lightly—there being a problem with how I'm picked up instead of the fact I'm being picked up in general. For a moment I think I'm going to be put down but instead Asahi crushes me into his body. "You're okay."

"Of course I'm okay," I say into his chest, words muffled by his club jacket. Asahi squeezes tighter before releasing me, feet touching the ground. I'm soon engulfed again by Hinata and Nishinoya, the two shortest boys rocking us back and forth with excitement.

"You're back!" Hinata screams in my ear. I make a face of pain before Daichi pulls them both back.

"You guys need to calm down," the captain chides. The two boys nod their heads rapidly, us knowing they physically can't calm down even if they wanted to.

"You guys are supposed to be practicing," I tell the captain with a dissatisfied look. Daichi rubs the back of his head as he tries to make up some lie. "It's fine I guess. But you guys have to start stamina training again."

Daichi sighs in relief and I can't help but crack a smile. Suga comes to me and quickly inspects me, as if I could get hurt with a team of boys named the iron wall. The silver haired boy finds nothing out of the ordinary and eventually looks to my escorts. He smiles and it's a thankful turn of the lips, the Date Tech boys stiffening with the beauty of the expression.

"Thank you for taking care of Katrina. We don't want to take any chances that she'll get hurt," Suga tells them. They nod and Aone's face is tense, expression borderline scary—actually scaring those who aren't used to him.

"We're happy to help. When we heard Aone mention he was going to go with her, I wanted to make sure they would both be fine," Moniwa professes.

Aone and I blush a bit because both our teams are overly protective of us. Suga nods while he wraps his arm around my shoulder. Moniwa stands next to Aone with a blinding smile and I realize that the small captain is really motherly. In a lot of ways, he is totally Suga. I smile, a bit embarrassed, as I look at Aone who is still nervous. The teams start to mix again and I untangle myself from Suga. We start walking to our gym while the air is filled with laughter. Aone and I on the other hand are silent as we drift to the back, out of everyone's ears.

"What is it?" I whisper to the boy. He keeps looking forward, not meeting my eyes. I grab his arm, unhappy that the boy doesn't tell me what's bothering him. I tell him everything and weigh him down with my problems, the least I can do is listen to him. "Please tell me."

Aone stops as I squeeze his arm tighter. The boy glances at me before shaking his head lightly. Why is he being so secretive? What is going on? Aone looks at me again and his eyes widen with surprise. He turns to me and grabs my face in his hands as I realize I'm on the brink of tears. I have this annoying pain in my chest that makes me feel like I'm just taking advantage of the boy.

"I'm sorry," he gasps as I take his hands off my face. Why should he even tell me? I'm just some girl. I'm nothing more than an out of town friend. It's not like I'm someone important to him. I'm a burden. I shouldn't weigh him down. Aone flinches as I bring his hands down. His face evolves into a pained expression while I try to smile reassuringly. I know my smile isn't very honest but I don't want to burden him.

"It's okay. You don't have to tell me," I reply shakily. My hands have a tremor and I push the boy away so we can begin walking. I push my emotions beyond the veil of medical haze while hoping I'm strong enough to let Aone go if needed. Walking swiftly, the boy tries to catch up, looking at my face worriedly. The others can sense something amiss but no one comments on it until we get to the gym.

"Katrina come here," Daichi calls as he gives Aone a dirty look. The second year stiffens while he looks back at my captain warily. My legs carry me to my own teammate whose face turns worried. "Is everything alright?"

"Yah," I say too quickly. Suga comes to us and the pair of boys dote over me. They look back at Aone and I wave nonchalantly. "Nothing's wrong. I'm just being weird."

"Medication weird?" Suga blurts out. I smile at him and shake my head. He gets which kind of weird it is and elbows Daichi who is kinda oblivious as he opens his mouth to question. I turn to leave but run straight into Moniwa who is looking at me strongly, his hand holding a reluctant Aone. Daichi notices that the others have started to gather around, giving them a sharp glare.

"Go start warming up. I want four laps today," he yells out.

The Karasuno boys go into high gear before Daichi changes his mind and makes it five laps. Date Tech looks to their soft captain who nods, Kamasaki getting them to follow my own boys. In moments they're running out of the gym, yells and laughter disappearing slowly. But in the gym, it's way too quiet. I'm sure that I'm not even breathing when Suga pulls me closer to him and Daichi, both boys flanking my sides.

"I know this is a little odd but seeing as how Hitz-chan doesn't have her parents here, I thought it best for us to handle this situation," Moniwa says softly. Suga puts his hand on my shoulder while rubbing me reassuringly.

"What does this have to with my parents?" I ask with a questioning face. Moniwa looks at me with some sympathetic smile while Daichi is giving Aone the third degree. The tall boy looks like he wants to crawl in a hole but manages to give me a smile. Raising my brow, I can feel my lips make a smirk to which Aone smiles even wider, the two boys to my side swaying a bit.

"As you know, Katrina is very dear to us and I would rather not have any problems. If something should happen to her," Suga trails off in a dark voice. I have literally no idea what is going on right now. Moniwa gives a strong look while looking at me, my blood turning to molasses as I develop sweaty hands. Why is he looking at me like I'm bad?

"Well it goes both ways. As Aone's senpai, I will not have him hurt," the captain threatens. I gulp while I look to Aone. What is going on, I mouth to him. It's his turn to swallow hard and Daichi gives a nod to Aone. This must be some sign because Aone steps toward me. Suga, Daichi and Moniwa move to stand to the side and I just turn around the group.

"Guys, this is getting really freaky. I don't know why but it feels like some sacrificial ritual," I grumble as Aone starts to bow to me.

The boy is red to the ears and I can see his hands shake he's so nervous. I step back as butterflies enter my stomach and Aone clears his throat for strength. My face is warm as I try to understand why this is making my heart beat rapidly with happiness. I know my smile goes from ear to ear and the three onlookers have teasing smiles.

"Katrina will you please," Aone rises with another clearing of his throat, "please go out with me?"

All that for this? He was nervous about asking me out? What did he think? That I would say to go fuck yourself? Of course not. He's amazing Aone and I'm crazy Katrina. Why would he even want to go out with someone like me? I mean, I guess I'm sort of pretty in that foreigner with different hair color type of thing. I play volleyball so I guess that's a plus. But I'm crazy.

"Why?" I blurt out before I could actually prepare myself.

Aone stares at me with some deep look that makes my heart pound in my ears. His eyes are so deep and I swear that I have never seen anyone more determined. But why me? I just begin to panic. My arms flail and I can hear the three third years begin to chuckle at my whole situation. They think it's funny but this is really serious. He's asking me out, like to go into public with him.

When was the last time I was asked out? Uh, the answer is never. What do I do? I'm not a good person. Well, I try to be a good person but sometimes I'm weird. Sometimes in the morning I'm chipper but when I get tired I get moody. Or sometimes I can think while on my medication and other times I just don't know anything ever. And this boy who is so damn special, who is so damn kind, so damn handsome, is asking me to go out with him. Why?

"Because I like you," Aone replies when I'm staring at the gym floor and trying to make sense of this whole situation. My head bobs up exactly three seconds later and I'm subjected to a smirk. Aone didn't think I would react like this and he thinks it's amusing. I have to admit that this must be quite entertaining for him but for me, I'm just, well, I'm not good.

"No, you don't," I argue with the boy. He can't like me. I'm unlikable. I'm messed up and I come with way too much baggage for anyone to ever shoulder the burden. What does he even see in me? I cry way too much. I'm extraordinarily clumsy outside of the gym. I don't have good looks and I'm only averagely smart. What is it that makes me stand out? Is it because I'm foreign? I bet it's because I'm foreign.

"I do. I really like you," Aone whispers as he comes closer to me.

My face is burning hot and the boy reaches out to put a hair behind my ear. The action is way too affectionate to be friends and I realize, he does like me. We do this stuff constantly. He's always holding my hand and I stare at him way too long while thinking that his smile is what I need for a bad day or that his eyes are so deep and full of expression that I can get lost in them. He likes me and I most definitely like him.

"Aone?" I whisper as I grab the boy's hand still lingering on my cheek.

His fingers are so much longer than mine and my small hand holds his gently. We're really different. I'm not someone that he should like because of so many reasons, but the fact remains that I do like him. I like him a lot. Somehow, I never want him to leave my side. He understands me and I understand him. We're the two pieces of the puzzle that you jam together to find it makes a mini masterpiece even though they weren't made for each other in the beginning. I want to be his puzzle piece.

I look up and brace myself for some kind of rejection because this is way too amazing to be real. Instead I get a whole different spectrum of emotions. God, I promise to make this boy happy. I promise to never leave him if he needs me or wants me. I promise to be the best person I can ever be so I stand by his side and go through life together. I promise to love him forever.

My breath catches when I find Aone smiling like he's the happiest person in the world. He must be over the moon. The girl that he likes hasn't run away screaming from him and he has gotten permission from her proxy parents. I understand that he didn't want to just ask me because I'm here by myself. He wanted me to have someone in my corner if I didn't want to be with him. He is sometimes old fashioned and I feel my face hurt with how much I'm grinning.

Aone nods his head a bit while I trace circles on his hand unconsciously. He's still waiting for an answer and the fear is back in his eyes. His eyes are so brown and I love them so much. Is it possible to love a person in so many different ways? I love his eyes and I love how considerate he is and I love how determined and passionate he is about things he loves. He's determined about me but his smile is waring off as he grows nervous once again.

"Promise me something?" I ask him and he nods rapidly, serious face coming back to his features. I swallow hard as my heart jumps in my chest. "Promise to never let go of my hand unless I let go of you first, because I plan on never letting go."

The boy just stares down at me blankly for a moment. His eyes are wide and I search his expression for some indication that my cheesy line won't make him go running for the hills. And there is real fear when Aone takes his hand back from me and I think I just ruined everything. I bite the inside of my cheek so the pain of the body will outweigh the pain I will feel when he leaves. I only succeed in biting my cheek way too hard when Aone swoops me off my feet.

For the second time today I was picked up but I think that I like Aone's way much better because I have the utmost faith in him. He holds me bridal style while he starts to laugh, the rumble in his chest causing me to start giggling with happiness. The boy places his forehead against mine and the laughter continues until I hear Daichi cough loudly. He wants us to stop but neither one of us seems to care all that much.

Because for the first time in my life I told someone that I wasn't going to let them go and I feel selfish for asking the boy to promise so much. Though just when we stop laughing and I look into his eyes, the silence tells me that it won't be a problem—Aone tells me that he wouldn't have it any other way with just a single look. So I just rub my forehead against his as I bask in the honest silence yelling that I shouldn't be afraid anymore.

And the moment ends—the silence coming to an abrupt stop even if it was enough to satisfy my needs. The boys are yelling into the gym as I realize I have everything that I have ever wanted in this wonderland. Maybe I really did fall down a rabbit hole.

* * *

 **Okay, so I am sooooo sorry that this is so late. I haven't been able to get used to my classes yet and it's already midterms so I doubt that I'll be used to them ever. I've also just been really bad mentally and it was just really hard to do anything. I know this semester I'm going to have a lower gpa than normal and that makes me sad but I can't stop working and I have to keep with all my classes. So, plan on the next chapter being up in a couple of weeks-no more than a month though. I have spring break and I'm taking off work so I'll probably have time to write.  
**

 **As for the actual story, the last chapter was really weirdly paced but that was because I wanted to see if I could make it awkward because Katrina was too heavily medicated and her point of view was starting to get messed up. I hope this chapter is back to normal with the pacing because I normally write everything in two or three times but this took forever and it wasn't even that hard, it was just that I had literally no motivation to do anything. But I hope you like it.**

 **Please comment if you have any suggestions or problems with the writing. I really do appreciate what you all do by being here and I would just like to say thank you again. It does help me with my writing and I'm going to have to start my portfolio to submit for the advanced class at school. I also just love it when you guys comment because you guys actually took the time out of your day to help me out.**

 **So as always, follow, fave, review, obsess. I loves yous guys and thank you for making it twenty five chapters in!**


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